Reality sets in

Posted: August 5, 2010 in anger, Depression, Fear, multiple sclerosis, Ramblings
Tags: , ,

When life sets in and slaps ya, it sucks!! My kids go back to school this coming Monday. My son is now going into the 11th grade and my girls are starting HS, 9th grade. Every year we have to get all the paperwork in, proof of residence, registration, pick up books, bus passes, etc. Not being able to drive my poor hubby has to take of work to get all these things done. When the girls registered, they did not have their books in yet, so they had to go back a second time. Then Ashley, being in band camp has a bbq this Friday where parents need to go for all the pricing info for marching band and concert band. Hubbies work is at it’s busiest and it makes it very hard for him to keep taking time off. All of this just lets me know more and more that I am useless and crippled. If I was not ill, I could be doing what the mom is supposed to do. Hubby already has enough on his plate thanks to my illness. As it is, he got Shelby to get her books, but Ashley is just shit-out-of-luck. The band camp bbq is at 5:30 pm. Don’t they know people work? Out where we live people work over an hour away. Commuting baby. I know, it is not their problem, but what about single parents as well? How can they expect parents to be there at these times? 7pm would be much more appropriate for parents.

I know my kids do not mean to make me feel sad, but they get upset when we miss things or have to cancel things. I fully understand. I remember being so jazzed about being the mom of all moms. Sports mom, carpools, etc. My MS has taken all that away from me, worse it has taken me from my family that needs me most. We cannot afford to hire someone to help with these things, so we are on our own. It gets so frustrating for me not being able to do these things for my kids. I HATE being immobile and feeling useless. I’m a worker, not a sitter!!

It is so hard to express how I am feeling right now. Anger, depression, sadness, fear, pain… I try so hard to keep positive, make jokes, be the crazy me. But, this is getting to be too much lately. Sometimes I so wish my hubby would leave me and find someone who can be the wife he deserves and the mom my kids deserve. My heart is breaking right now.

Then to top all of that off, we had to pay 400.00 for bus passes [public school buses]. I figured our taxes should pay for that. Gotta love California and the Terminator. He’s terminating Schools!! Then it is going to cost another 400.00 + for marching and concert band!! WOW!! Just add more salt to my crippled wounds.

Ok, enough depression…I’m off!!

Blessings and Hope!!

Comments
  1. Frannie says:

    I had tears in my eyes when I read your blog =(
    That must be awful to feel that way, and I don’t know what to really say. I really don’t know your hubby but I am sure he loves you with all his heart and believes in the vows he took when he married you. <3<3

    I can give you cyber hugz (((Hugz))) wish it could be more.
    Keep taking your new med and think positive that it will work better each day.. My fingers are still crossed and hoping all the time.

    Like

  2. Courtney says:

    I’ve never seen a man love his wife more than Rog loves you….you two were meant to be together. Truly blessed in that department…
    And I know how badly you want to be able to go and do for your kids….but in the absence of that, you know you can call me. If I’m available–I’m there!

    Like

  3. Tina Sickinger says:

    Oh sweetie, Roger and the kids know and understand! I know all too well how you feel, though. It’s so hard to be limited and not be able to be there and do the way you would like. If it’s any concellation, they’ll make it one way or another….they always do just as Rich and Maisie do. I love you….NOW CHEER UP!!!! xoxo

    Like

  4. awww, hey i just read this. i can’t imagine how you feel, not being able to be the person you want to be for your kids. it just doesn’t seem fair does it? i don’t have any special or magical words, i wish i could say something that could make you feel better. But i know it won’t work, or help. So what i can say is that i’m sure you are a wonderful mother, MS and all, and yes people are so inconsiderate when it comes to thinking about parents that work and single parents, etc..

    i love you very much and i’m sorry you are feeling so handicap.

    Like

  5. R. G. Maines says:

    Tracy,
    Being married means being partners, through thick and thin, in ‘sickness’ and in ‘health’… it’s what we sign up for when we get married… you need to lighten up on yourself. Your husband is there because he wants to be, just like mine is. I stopped asking him ‘why are you still here?’ a long time ago, the fact that he is, after all the changes, emotionally and physically that I’ve gone through is testament enough, of his love, to keep challenging it was silly of me.

    Now, the school issues and Roger’s schedule…. as a disability rights advocate I know that there are ways you can try to reduce the stress on him and his schedule…

    Could you contact one of your kids’ friends’ parents? Someone you know will be attending the meeting for Band and ask them to bring you information, or to deliver your payment for expenses in your stead? Is there a member of the PTO you could contact and explain your situation to and see if they could make arrangements for you to receive the information you need via ’email’ or by ‘mailing in’ your payment? Can you talk to a Guidance Counselor at school and see if they can help you facilitate a way for you to be able to support your children in their activities, without having to be there?

    Perhaps a discussion with the Principal, letting them know your children wish to participate in extracurricular activities, but due to your husband’s work schedule and your health situation, you will require some ‘reasonable accommodations’ that will allow your children to participate.

    There are avenues you can explore, rather than collapsing under the weight of thinking you’re somehow hurting your kids or putting too much on your husband.

    Too often, we don’t let people know we need a little cooperation, we try to take things on ourselves and muddle through, when in reality, if people knew the circumstances, they may have been more than willing to accommodate us and our needs. In fact, I’ve had folks get angry with me, telling me “if I only knew what you were dealing with I could have been of some help to you.”

    Chin Up! Get that lovely brain working and think of some possible ways to circumvent the ‘norm’ and make things work for you!!!

    That’s all I got… Love & Hugs oxoxox

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      We do have friends that help with driving etc. But some things they want us to be at. The kids I mean. They like to have us there with them.

      That’s the hardest part.
      xoxo

      Like

  6. Kathy says:

    Kinda been there. Only my daughter, at 12 years old, decided she wanted to go live with her dad because not only couldn’t I take her to horse riding lessons (and everything else) but I couldn’t afford it because I lost my job.

    It was, and is, really rough. Even though I’m more mobile now (most days) it still sucks because her dad has taught her that I’m “lazy” and should just go get a job so I can pay more child support.

    Not trying to one-up you sweetie…it’s just I can empathize with feeling useless. Even though you know you are not and you know there would be a huge hole in everyone’s hearts if you weren’t there for them.

    We’ve learned to make do. My bed is now the living room and the girls (I have an older daughter too) just pile in and we hang out. Just being there for them is pretty much all I can do most days. It is what it is.

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      I’m so sorry Kathy. That has to be so hard!
      Most times my kids hang out with mom in my room, playing on computers, watching movies.

      I agree, it is what is…. but it suck doesn’t it!! 😛
      xoxo

      Like

  7. neicy says:

    MzT, I know it gets hard especially in your current state, but chalk it all up my dear, at least you had the funds to pay the 400.00 for the passes, it may be a strain but you did it! Your kids are blessed to have you and you are blessed to have them as well I know it is difficult to not be able to be mobile to do as you have in past times but this too shall pass my friend, just take each day step by step you’re going to make it, there is a rainbow after the storm we just have to wait for the storm to pass and it shall pass, keep your chin up my friend I’m in it with you in spirit. Love ya!

    Like

  8. Deb Darby says:

    T, they’re going to get busier and busier and yes, they’ll be sad, but they’ll also make new friends this year, and the time in High School will FLY by! In the meantime, with the band stuff…I HAVE been there, and there will be plenty of times, you might have to try and choose the most important one to her, games, performances you can go to . Be NICE to yourself and remember that they ARE teenagers, it’s their “job” to be selfish sometimes. Please try not to stress, friend.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s