That simple word is so powerful. Broken, how do you fix it? I’m not sure, but my body is broken. The depression of late is paralyzing along with my MS. Just typing is hard as my hands just want to curl up and go to sleep. My legs have failed me just as my mind is going. My thoughts are scrambled and I cannot find the focus. I’m tried of depending on people, I’m tired of needing help. Dressing myself causes anxiety and pain. I’m so tired of being… tired of being.
Broken like shattered glass on the floor that crunches under your shoes.
Broken...
I do not know how to fix all the breaks. I’m tired, so tired. I’m not strong and I cannot fake it any longer.
As I watch the videos Charlie is making on line I wonder what his friends are really thinking. The ‘Goddesses’ and the people at the round table at his home. Then I realize, they are thinking what he wants them to. Well maybe on the outside, but on the inside what are they thinking. Like Lindsay Lohan, maybe if their friends actually told them what they look like to others and how their craziness is making them look like ‘Trolls’, maybe they would listen. But YES friends will not do that for fear of losing their ‘celebrity’ friendships.
When Lindsay was doing her ‘thing’, I was waiting to hear friends say, “STOP!” But it seems no one had the balls to do so. Now with Charlie and his YES friends, it is the same sad story. They make comments like, “I’m behind him in whatever he needs to do”, “He’s right.”, etc. I read comments on his videos of all the people saying he is a genius, and Shakespeare had nothing on him!! WTF, are you kidding me. This is brown nosing at its finest.
Hey, what are you doing back there?
Shitty, shitty, suck, suck… one of his new lines. And some say Shakespeare has nothing on him! Really. We’ve got, “Duh!”, we’ve got, “Winning!”, and then we have nonsensical words coming out of his mouth. If anything, Shakespeare is rolling over in his grave. This a side show in a circus and people are just waiting for the next police call of domestic violence.
I’m waiting for him to come right and say… “Duh. I’m God!” Far fetched, I think not. He is spiraling downward.
Then I keep going back to, he is an actor and a damn good one. Is this all an act? Charlie if you want your own reality show, then do it. You say you need no one and you do it all on your own, well then do it and stop making such an ass out of yourself.
I sit and wonder why this bothers me so. I think it’s because [as stated in a previous blog] that he has it all. There are people out there that would love to be in his shoes and would have been ecstatic to get 2 million an episode. What a talent he has… Charlie, use your ‘tigers blood’ powers for good, not evil!
As for your YES friends Charlie Sheen, dude if you were broke these people would be no where near you. Get a clue and take your life back. Talk to people with the backbone to tell you no and follow through with that no.
In all honesty, I feel sad for him. As I sit here in a wheelchair, with a disease that is slowly progressing, I realize how blessed I truly am. What a lonely man he must be.
Here is a man with the World at his fingertips. Here is a man with an amazing talent and intelligence. So, why is he using it as a circus side-show. WINNING! Really, are you Charlie? Most people are getting a huge laugh out of his condemnation of others, out of his egotistical rants, out of his crazy rhetoric. But really, is it funny? Or is it a sad tale of someone losing his mind one day a time? Or, riddle me this, is it a man acting and using his abilities to draw a crowd. Let’s face it, his show was good, but did anyone really care about him anymore? Is this his way of getting back in to the spotlight?
He is an actor people. Is this an act? Part of me hopes that it is an act. I would hate to watch another human being, or rock star from Mars, as he calls himself, spiral out of control for the World to watch.
He is acting like a spoiled baby. He has it all… a nice home, health, children, a nice bank account and here is his acting out. I’m embarrassed for him. What I would give to have his talent and his physical health, shit his money. I could live a much more comfortable life with my Disease having all he has.He acts as though his life is so tough. Get over yourself Charlie!!
I listen to him trashing other addict/alcoholics. My husband is one of them. He is clean and sober 13 years thanks to AA. And if you are going to rag on any organization, have the facts Charlie. Only 5% of AA members are helped. Give me a break. If that was the case AA would have been gone years ago. It’s all about, take what you like and leave the rest. In his videos he is ancy and jittery. What is he on? ‘Drug tests don’t lie’… depends on what you were tested on Charlie.
He has no idea of reality. He lives in another world from the majority and he is complaining about people that he feels have done him wrong. He is taking no responsibility for his own actions. He is a poster child for an addict. Not a recovering one either. DUH!
Bottom line, Charlie if you are Winning… I’ll take losing any day! Get help dude, before it is too late!
I ‘roll’ so someday a cure can be found. Being trapped inside your body is something no one should ever have to face. It is my hope, my dream, that the cure will be found and this MonSter will never strike another person.
If you are able, please donate to my team. I know how hard times are right now, so thoughts and blessings are always welcomed!!
Once a jackass, pretty much always a jackass. I do believe that people can change… some people. But, not everyone can or will change. There are just some people that thrive on being assholes. Come one, you know it’s true. And I’m sure we all know one or two or even three people like this. And please, no bleeding hearts here. You know the , ‘maybe they had a bad childhood, bad day, etc!’ No, maybe they are just assholes!! I will go with maybe they are genetically fucked up. That can happen. But, mostly back to, maybe they are just assholes!
So the next time you try and be a good person and be the “Jackass Whisperer”, STOP… really you are just wasting your time!
broken hearted… lmao!! No, not going there!! This is not a public restroom wall!
Seriously, here I sit at my laptop updating, playing in FB, getting iTunes ready for hubbies new iPhone. I just did the kids breakfast dishes and got some jewelry things cleaned. Now what? I’m staring at my blog screen with nothing. Roger will sometimes ask me what I’m doing. Well, just ran a marathon, went grocery shopping, took the kids here and there, did laundry, etc. Then we just laugh. I used to do all of this, minus the marathon! lol I so miss doing all the boring irritating things.
So, here I sit deciding what wonderful things to do. I can go back to bed and watch tv, or go sit in my cool lift-chair and watch tv. Or, I can sit at my design table and play on my computer. hmmmmmm Decisions, decisions. I think I’ll go medicate and lie in my lift-chair and watch movies or something. Oh the life a cripple!!
I’m not so much into the Ampyra. Tried it for over 5 mos and sometimes it seemed as if my legs were weaker. Now this does not mean it will not work for all, just not so much for me. I had high expectations, but srsly, it is more for the less severe forms then the progressive forms. Might be only my opinion, but whatever. I know my MS and it knows me.
just say no
I really wanted it to help, but oh well whatcha gonna do. Keep waiting for them to finally get a useful medication for the serious progressive forms. I think that finding help for us would really help the less progressive forms.
So I wait, and pray that they find something for PPMS before I get so bad nothing will help.
On that not, off to watch ‘White Girls’ and omg they crack me up. Love the Wayans!!
They say money can’t buy you love, happiness, etc. I beg to differ, but not in the way most would think.
I need, I want...
In my situation money would buy ‘comfort’. Money will not cure me, but it would make my life and my families much easier. You see the stars with MS and other chronic illness’. Montel has his own cook, nutritionist, physical therapist, child-care. Trust me, if I had that it would make life much easier and less stressful. So in this case, money would buy ‘comfort’! Most of he people on these shows with chronic illness depict the success stories. The ones who run the marathons etc. Their MS is the less severe form, and being in remission is a great thing and I am happy for them. But, where are the stories of the those with the severe forms, who have families and live on modest incomes with no extras like a cook, a nutritionist. You get the idea.
There are treatments out there that insurance will not cover, so in those cases money would buy me better health care.
Not sure where this is coming from tonight… maybe because I tried to take a shower in my partly done shower and realized it is not going to make that much of a difference. Roger got the seat and a couple of bars installed, which help. But I have to be careful as it is not all grouted and we have to be sure the water does not get all over the place. The shower itself was fabulous the aftermath, not so much. I am coming to the realization that even bars and a higher chair do not help me get up. My legs are near useless and I sat there and cried, why??? This was not supposed to be my life. Why not strike those who commit heinous crimes and those who do to want to be a giving part of society. WHY? And yes it is my right to ask why. There is no reason for this. I did nothing to deserve this, as many of my friends did nothing to deserve their illness’. So why?
I’m not naive and I know there is no answer for this question.
I sit here, again, wondering if I will be able to get in to my bed tonight. Will I be able to get up easier in the morning? I know these answers will not be ones I want to hear. I hate feeling this way. I am no quitter nor am I a whiner. But as of late I read people complaining about their colds and allergies and runny noses and want to scream at them, “Your piss ant issue will go away, mine wont!! So shut the fuck up and get over it!!” And that is not me either. I hate being this bitter, this angry. I think from all the times I hold it in, it is finally too much to take.
I’m lost and am slipping away from me more and more and I’m scared…
I know, great title for my blog. Haven’t blogged in a bit and here it is, in your face…fuuuuuuuuuck!!
You may ask yourself, ‘Why?’ I’ll tell you why. It’s now after 11pm and I wanted to go to sleep. You know, lie down, get comfy, sleep. NOT! After 4 minutes of trying to lie down I gave up. I cannot seem to get my legs up on the bed. I get one up the other slides off. I pull on my jammie pants leg and my hand cannot hold on or lift my leg. Now I could scream for someone to help me, but they are all asleep and have to get up early for work and school. Hubby is on the pullout sofa as he snores so bad he wakes me up all night. So, I’m sitting here with tears rolling gently down my face as sleep is not coming yet. Even if I get my legs into the bed it take me forever to get into a position comfortable for sleep. Once I lie down I have to pull each leg up in a bent position or my lower back hurts. As it is, if I do not sit in the right spot before I try all of this, I may end up too high or too low on the bed. I am not able to ‘scooch’ into a comfy position. I get one shot. I guess I’m lucky, as once I do finally get comfortable I’m ready for sleep, as doing this easy task takes all of my spoons. Just getting into bed is a fucking chore and it pisses me off. It’s not fucking fair!!!!!! And don’t tell me it could be worse!! It’s going to get worse so shut your mouth. And don’t tell me it could be worse, it could be cancer… this IS my Cancer!!! It has and will continue to take my life from me. Just in a slower mode.
February 8th, marks the 2007 death of my MS partner in crime, Tina Richardson. Her progressive MS killed her. She got caught between a heavy power chair and bathtub and slowly suffocated to death, alone and I’m sure frightened. She could not move and could not scream. So, do not tell me no one dies from MS. They do every fucking day. If she had not had MS she would not have been in that position. I know others that have passed away due to pneumonia from being immobile and the MS basically killed their lungs. Tina was only 40 years old and my friend and I miss her every day. So fuck you and your,’it could be worse!’
As of this moment, it’s only going to get worse for me and I’m petrified. I am in a wheelchair 24/7. I am tired, fatigued 24/7. I run on fumes every day and try to be funny and crack jokes. I hide behind a smile and most days I wish it would all just end. I have pain 24/7, incontinent at 46 years young. Migraines, weight gain, unable to do the simplest tasks. The next time you feel the need to bitch about running errands, doing the dishes… be glad you can run errands and have the strength to do the dishes. I would trade you in a hot second to be able to do all those annoying tiresome chores. The next time you take a shower, thank your God you can. Even taking a shower is a chore for me and after I usually need to sleep as there goes some more spoons.
I try to keep the pain to myself, me feelings, my MS. This is my blog, and you can read or not. Tonight, all the lil things going on in my life, and then the tip of the iceberg, not being able to just get into bed, hit me all at once and hard. Seven months, still no bathroom finished, haven’t even seen them in over 2 months. Promises to here then no show, no call. Losing more leg movement and the list goes on… depression has hit and it has hit me hard. Will I make it through this one… Hell yes! I always do. I’ll find my inner strength and pull my boot straps back up and move on. But, now and then I need to let go, and let the idiots know to watch what they say. God help them if they ever had to deal with a real illness… my comment to them will be, “Hey asshole, it could be worse, you could have MS!!!”
Making it Through the Rain 