Saw this on FB and it is how I feel most days. In my dreams I am able bodied and walking friendly. Then, I wake up. This past Friday showed me how crippled I am really am. I HATE my wheelchair but realized it is my life now. On Friday I was getting the laundry ready, turned on my WC, and nothing but blinking lights. I kept turning it off and on like a mad woman, and the same thing happened over and over again. I was completely screwed! Stuck in my room with no way to move. As the tears slowly slid down my face I looked up at whatever higher power is up there and quietly asked, WHY!? At that moment I realized how dependent I am on my WC and it is my only independence, if you can call it that. Then the anger hit and the quiet why turned to an angry why. I had no way to move myself and get from where I was. My son was in his room with his ear buds in and could not hear me cry for help. My girls were not home from school registration yet and I had no phone to call anyone. After 10 minutes or so the girls got home and unlocked my wheels so they could roll me out of where I had been trapped. This is my life, my nightmare!
fear...
So I ask… If I squeeze my eyes shut and open them again, will I finally wake up from this nightmare?
Lucky is an awesome doggie. I had the pleasure of meeting him personally when we went to the lake. If you are able, please help Erik and Caroline with the high cost of making him all better. Either way Lucky will get what he needs done, but I just want to help them with the costs.
Please click the link above if you can help!
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Lucky’s Journey
I have personally met Lucky. He found his forever home with my nephew Erik Bol and his wife Caroline. They are true dog whisperers and now he is home with them and their 5 other furbabies.
Lucky’s diabetes is under control, but he now needs surgery to restore his sight. They have taken on all his costs up to now and will continue to do so. I wanted to start this page to help get them some donations for his eye surgery. I hope you can help this amazing couple! ~ Tracy – A Dog Named Patrick — Below is their story! ?
Background: Lucky was abandoned on the side of Consumnes River on Hywy 49 between El Dorado and Amador County in January of 2010. My brother William Fallscher discovered Lucky on the river’s edge, he was blind, emaciated, ravaged with open cuts and scrapes, and clinging to life. Lucky was rescued later that night by William and my husband Erik Bol. Erik and I (Caroline Bol) gave him refuge in our home so he could have the best chance at survival. Initially, Lucky laid in our garage on a dog bed for close to 3 weeks, unable to crawl more than three feet as not to soil where he rested. He finally was able to officially stand to do normal things, like go to the bathroom and eat food, it was so exciting. During those first weeks a veterinarian visited our home multiple times, her initial estimation was that he had been on the rivers edge for weeks and that it was especially troubling because he appeared to be diabetic and should have died due to lack of treatment, which is more than likely the reason he went blind. We sought to determine the status of Lucky’s health, the vet said she would see what she could do, because of her love for animals she was determined to help Lucky as best she could. Blood work was ran and it was conclusive that he was in fact a diabetic and needed to be treated ASAP. We began treating him immediately for his diabetes, helping him through his recovery.
Then
When we took Lucky into our home he weighed approximately 30 lbs., currently he is at his ideal weight of about 70 lbs. He has completely integrated into our household, plays with our other dogs, and sleeps on a dog bed right next to my side of the bed on the floor. His diabetes is now completely controlled by my husband and I, but he is still blind. Our mission is to give Lucky a second chance at life, ultimately enabling him to see once again. He is the sweetest dog and my husband and I would not have changed anything, we are so happy to have Lucky in our lives. Every time I see Lucky warm and safe in our home, protected from the elements and any wildlife predators that he certainly had to fight to protect his life, I am overcome with joy. He is the ultimate fighter. Unfortunately though, he will remain blind until we can find him some help getting his eyes fixed. Currently he does not see anything and runs into everything. It would be the greatest thing if he could see again.
Vet information: Bronwyn Szignaroitz, DVM- she is a mobile vet, Phone # 916-673-8890
The week started on June 18th. We began our week long vacation to 20 Oaks Cottages and RV Park. We met my parental units in Fresno to break up the long drive. Hung out at the hotel Saturday night and left for Clearlake early Sunday morning. We arrived at Steve’s and my sister Kim’s park around 2 pm. This vacation was also a bit of a family reunion. I had not seen my sister Kim for 6 years or my cousins for 18 years. [since my wedding] We all did the hugs and introductions and all that mushy stuff then went to see the lake.
purdy
It turned out to be unusually hot for this time of year. [figures] The first two days I went outside and hung by the dock to watch my kids go tubing and swim. It sucked that I was not able to get to the boat or even get in the water, but watching my kids have a blast made it okay. The heat finally got to me and my legs swelled up something fierce. By Wednesday I could not go outside during the day anymore. So pretty much slept that day away. This trip was definitely kicking my ass… but it was a good ass kicking and completely worth it! lol
The Familyhaving a blast!my boy tubingSisters!
There are over 200 photos from our trip. It gave me something to do with my cool camera! lol
We left Thursday and headed back to Fresno for the Hotel stay. It was hard leaving the paradise that is is Clearlake, but we had to head home. We left the hotel early Friday for home. It was good to be home, but I missed my family.
BUT, my fabulous week was not over yet. My baby sister and her BF, Don, were coming to visit Saturday. This would be a perfect ending to a perfect week. I got to see my sisters and my brother at the lake and now my baby sister as well. We bbq’ and had salad and tasty asparagus and cookies and ice cream! YUM! We watched Battle Los Angeles. Basically it’s Independence Day with a few changes. Independence Day is a much better movie, but Battle LA gave us a few giggles. All in all it was a great end to a great week!
kids on a trampoline! lolLaura n me!
This week I am paying for all the fun I had, but it really is soooo worth it. My kids had a blast, hubby caught the only fish [was then released], got to see family, took pictures, and for the first time in a looooong time felt some ‘quality’ in my life! It doesn’t get any better than that!
Well, it’s official, my MS has progressed faster than my neuro would like.
There are no real medications out there yet for primary progressive ms [ppms]. Most of the medications are for relapsing-remitting ms [rrms].
I asked what, if anything, can help me regain any strength or any movement in my legs. Even transferring from my chair to my bed or the tinkletorium is getting quite hard.
I had mentioned a medication last year with some serious side effects, death being one. There have been incidents of patients getting an infection called progressive mutifocal leukoencephalopathy [PML]. They have found that these people may have had PML before starting the medication so that may be the reason why.
It has not been tested on many patients with the more severe form like my ppms. My neuro has patients on it that have ppms and they have regained some to a lot of strength back. It can take 6mos to one year to see any results. It is a 3 hour infusion every four weeks 40 mins from my home.
I have a friend who uses it and he said his life has changed for the better, and he has been on it for over two years.
The referral was called in directly by my neuro so I should find out if I can try it in the next week or so.
I’m scared to death, but not trying something is even scarier. It’s only a matter of time before I lose complete mobility and am bed-ridden, so if this might help me to even be able to go back to using my walker in my home, it will be worth it.
We all know what this means. In a crisis we either fight or we run. Which would you do? Lately I’ve been running or rolling as it would be. And I’m not a ‘roller’! I’ve always been a fighter. And definitely not a quitter, which is also what I have been doing as of late. I know that the fight is inside of me. I was physically attacked many moons ago in front of my apartment building. I fought and the guy ran away. So, I know the fight is there, I just need to find her again. This is not to say there will be many days I want to quit, but I am looking for my little fighter again. I know that if my PPMS were a person I would have kicked the shit of out her a long time ago. Fighting the MS will be tricky as ‘she’ is not a tangible being. But when has that stopped me before?
Look out Bitch!!
The past week has been very rough and it is not over yet. Hands still shaking, legs still weaker than normal, transferring is tough, fatigue is kicking my ass. I’m still quite depressed, as being in this fucking chair is really getting old. The first thing I see when awakening is my chair and it is the last thing I see when I go to sleep. A HUGE reminder that I am crippled. I think it is so hard because I know what it is like to walk, to be able to go when I please, have Independence… ALL of which was ripped out from under me, literally!
I am hoping the ‘fight’ in me comes back. I cannot make any promises as I have no idea what each day is going to bring. I am terrified of going to sleep as I never know when waking if my body will have finally succumbed to the MS. Will I wake up totally paralyzed? What then? I know there will be days and blogs where my pain will come through like a punch in the face, so be prepared.
I only have myself and my inner strength to count on. I know I have family and friends, but this fight is solely up to me. No one can ‘fix’ my emotions but myself. Some have suggested counseling… sorry but talking to someone in high heels and who is healthy is NOT for me. I do not care how many books they have read or how many people they know in a wheelchair, they are not living it so they have no clue! This is FACT not fiction!
Well the hands are getting weak and my head is staring to nod, so I’m out!
But, before I go, good luck with the Rapture! I know I’ll still be here tomorrow as will everyone else. Well, maybe not the quacks that believe this, hopefully they will go! 😛
I’m tired of the pain, tired of not being able to walk, tired of the fatigue, tired of the shakes, tired of the incontinence, tired of living…
‘We reap what we sow’. That is such a bullshit statement. If this were true, I would not be crippled. My girls Ruby and Tina would not be ill. If this were true, rapists, murderers, child molesters, animal abusers would actually be punished for their crimes. They would not be out on parole picking their next victims…
I constantly wonder what I EVER did to deserve this disease. If you believe in ‘The Secret’, I intended it. Well I’ve got a secret for you, ‘The Secret’ is bullshit! I think I’ll write a book on some ‘new’ form of religion. It seems anyone can and people actually follow it… like sheep!
I know this blog is quite random, but my mind is quite random right now. I cannot concentrate on any one thing or keep a thought going for too long. My hands keep shaking and I keep having to go back and fix my typing.
I keep hearing about quality of life. It’s the quality that matters. I have no quality of life. I am imprisoned in my home. Trapped like a caged animal. In my mind I am still able-bodied, able to walk and live my life. In reality, I’m crippled and trapped.
Trapped...
I do not like leaving my home. I feel safest here. My depression is paralyzing on it’s own. I feel lost and I’m terrified. I go to bed each night wondering if tomorrow is the day I wake up and nothing moves. My hands and feet have been numb for days. I can barely transfer on my own to my chair from my bed right now. Where is the quality? I don’t want the quantity…
Why am I here? And, NO, there is NOT a reason for everything!! There is no reason for my MS or the ways it has affected my family! Hope is fading…
Making it Through the Rain 