Ramblings

I’m the great pretender

Even when it’s not OK… It’s just easier. Either way I don’t like telling how I’m feeling because it’s just too depressing.

Right now not much is OK. We think that I may have a possible fracture in my right hip from when we were doing my leg exercises. Our doctor appointment with the pain management doctor was today and I couldn’t go because the moment I’m rolled over to get in my Hoyer lift the pain is just too much. So I was hoping that the pain management doctor would possibly help me by getting an ambulance to pick me up get me to the hospital for x-rays. I guess they don’t do that. He really wants me to get to the hospital but there’s no way he can help me do it. Unfortunately we cannot afford an ambulance bill because our insurance thinks they’re out of network. AMR charges about $2000 a trip for a 4 mile drive. Now eventually my insurance pays for it after I appeal it one or more times. I’m tired of having to do that every time so it’s just easier not to get the ambulance. Then if I go to emergency the  emergency room doctors are always out of network, so I have to fight the insurance company again. And usually for a two minute interaction with the doctor it’s anywhere from $1600-$2400. I am so fucking tired of having to fight every time.

So now I don’t know what I should do. I’ve been let down time and time again by these doctors out here say that want to help me and then just passing the buck or don’t go out of their way at all to help me. All my pain management doctor had to do was make a phone call but I guess that’s not his job.  Who knows maybe things are different now… the way our country is going right now everything is fucked up.

So now I am going to try and find an ambulance that takes my insurance because I know AMR does not.  But then I run into that catch 22 of having to deal with the out of network doctor at the emergency room. I just can’t fucking win. 😳

There was an article about another celebrity and her anxiety due to her multiple sclerosis. Now while I feel horribly bad for anyone being stuck with this disease celebrities will never know the real struggle. They will never know what it’s like to not have money for help. They will never know what it’s like having doctors drop the ball on them because they can afford the good doctors. So yes I feel very bad for anyone with this disease, but please if you’re a celebrity don’t act like you know the struggles and how hard it is. You have the luxury of being able to get help. I know I sound like an asshole and bitter, but if I were a celebrity I wouldn’t have these issues.

As always you lovely people… Have courage and be kind! 🖤

anger · broken · Darkness · Depression · Fear · FUCK · FUNNY · health · healthcare · HELL · hope · joy · lonliness · love · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · nightmares · Pain · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM

Broken

So this post might be a little long. And you don’t have to read I’m just trying to get out what I’m feeling. We are going to attempt a shower today and I’m already having anxiety. But I have to do it because PTA bed baths are not doing it for me. 😋
I just don’t want to roll over or get in that fucking Hoyer sling. It hurts so much even when I have a nice supply of cannabis on board. 😉
Some of you know I have another fracture in my back at L3 and I was supposed to see a spinal surgeon like last month, but I can’t. I don’t want to go because I don’t want to get up. And the worst part about that is, I really want to get up! I know that does not make any sense. LOL

Without help I don’t know how I’m going to ever be able to get out of this bed. But, I will keep doing what I’m doing like wiggling in the bed LOL I have some serious dance moves for someone who is in bed. 💃🏻 I just want out of it. But when I’m lying down or even when my legs are up and I’m elevated I don’t have any pain. So thankful for my adjustable bed. 🙏🏻 The minute someone moves my legs I literally want to die. It feels like my hip is going to snap and my leg is going to fall right off. Sounds like something out of a criminal minds episode. Childbirth wasn’t as painful. I will take a contraction over this any day. 😳


We rolled a couple of pillows and taped them and put a cover on to jam them on the outside of each leg to roll my hip as I’m lying down. Oh holy man! The first day I could only tolerate about five minutes because the pain was intense. But yesterday I actually kept them there for a few hours. I’m hoping that eventually I will be able to get my legs moving without pain. I don’t care what the doctors say and what my MS is going to do with me because I know if I can get rid of this pain I will be up again. I may never walk again but I will be able to transfer if I can just combat the pain. And thanks to my colostomy and urostomy I won’t have to worry about running to the bathroom every five minutes anymore. 😂 Statistically the odds are against me but I’ve never been a fan of statistics. LOL Do not tell my daughter that because that is what she graduated with honors in. 😜

I’m putting on my little arm weights more because I totally slacked off on doing my arm exercises because depression hit it once again. But my little inner child showed up and beat the crap out of depression. Hopefully it’ll stay away a little longer this time. 🤞
When things got really bad after my surgery in 2014 and I completely fell into a very dark place. The surgery almost took my life and at that time I wished it had. I think a lot of people thought that it was getting to the point where I was nearing the end. I felt it, I even had a doctor tell me my outlook was grim. It wasn’t until February 2018 that I woke up. That anniversary is coming up and it scares me. But it also reminds me that I can fight and can get better. I just want people to know don’t give up on yourself no matter how bad it might be! I have been to the depths of hell and I’ve tried to leave a couple times. For some reason they didn’t want me. LOL

Well now that I’ve written a book and I probably lost most of you after the first paragraph I am going to get myself pumped so I can take my shower and not be afraid. 💪👊

I’ll be back… Said in my best terminator voice. LOL
Have courage and be kind!

anger · confession · Craziness · Darkness · Depression · Fear · FUCK · health · HELL · hope · joy · lonliness · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · sarcasm · silly · strength

Holy elephants Batman, which way is up

Right now it is 2:45 PM on Thursday. I just woke the hell up. I guess it’s better than yesterday when I woke up at 3:30 PM. I went to bed at reasonable hours both nights but my body just does not want to wake up. Maybe it’s because I know what it’s waking up to.  Maybe after all this time I’m just sick and tired of dealing with it. I’m just not quite sure why it all is hitting me so hard right now, but it’s  it’s as if the light at the end of my tunnel is a locomotive coming right at me. I’ve been searching my mind as to why everything is hitting me so badly and I cannot figure it out. Nothing has really changed in the last 4.8 years of being completely bedbound, fuck it the last 5 years ( yes I am rounding up ) to make me feel so lost right now. Or maybe that is the problem, that nothing has changed. I am a grown ass woman who has never been afraid to speak my mind, tell it like it is,  or go toe to toe with someone who is a complete dickwad. 😈 But, this piece of shit MonSter that is MS is a different kind of enemy.  It is very sneaky and it takes away from your soul not just your body. It not only affects the recipient it affects everyone around them that loves them.

 I really am trying to find that blessing. It just seems so out of reach. I know everyone says that I’m lucky because I have the gift of life. And believe me I completely understand that. But is living in a bed every day, every night, every week, every month, really living?  I don’t think that people understand that this part of my journey is not going to change.  I can’t do any of the treatments so I’m as will continue doing what it does and it will continue to progress. So what does somebody do with that? How do you find that blessing knowing that the help that is out there now for your disease, you are not allowed to do. So I think I just have to say fuck it  and be like cookie monster and when it’s unpleasant just eat the fucking cookie. A medicated cookie but you get the idea. 😉
 Tomorrow is my pain management appointment with Dr. Nasser. Once a month like clockwork. I have a list of things to ask and the way I’m feeling I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up being a little forceful when I ask. By forceful I mean I will probably be in tears begging for someone to help me. 😭  Yes, ugly tears. I’m already scared to death to go because I know how bad the pain is going to be when I’m lifted in that Hoyer lift and put in my wheelchair. Hell, just rolling me over to fix my clothes and get me in the lift sling is Is making me sick to my stomach. Fuck fuck fuck you multiple sclerosis!

A little bit of advice before I go… If you yourself have MS and are still able bodied, make a list of everything you want to do and do it now! Don’t put anything off because people with our illness we have no idea what the next day will bring. And if you’re Normie, a person with no afflictions, the same goes for you. Make a list and do the things you want to do now, because even though you don’t have an illness, shit can happen  in the blink of an eye. So do what you want to do now. Please  I beg of you, don’t put it off for another second.

 Have courage and be kind
Craziness · Darkness · Death · dehumanization · FUCK · health insurance · healthcare · HORROR · Hospital · Ramblings

Life, it is what it is

After a bad fall about a month ago, I’ve been in and out of hospital emergency rooms and spent a little bit under a week in hospital. Lotta good it did, as I’m worse now than I was before I went in. I need in-home care I need help but the doctors keep blowing me off. And my doctor’s nurses, forget about it incompetence galore!

They keep telling me they’ll call me back once they get information about in-home care. Has not happened at all. They don’t even call my prescriptions when they expire anymore. I have to call and remind them. Yeah that helps with my stress level! I’ve been with the same doctor for 17 years!

I can’t even get into what happened in my last hospital visit a couple of weeks ago as it just brings back too many awful memories. Not as bad as back in 2009-2010 but almost.

At this point I’m completely bed ridden, my legs do not work at all I can only move them if somebody moves them for me hard to transfer to my chair I won’t even get into going to the bathroom. LOL that’s way too much information… TMI!!

Bottom line I need home health care, and my doctors are ignoring me and not helping me. So me, being the bitch that I am, I have an appointment with a new neurologist on January 28 and an appointment on the 18th of this month with the new internist. I’m done, and I’m taking charge and taking back my power!

For those who know me, know I’m pissed and when I get pissed I get shit done. They know not who they are dealing with! LOL I’m done believing that this is it for me and I’ll never move again that I’m going to be stuck in a bed the rest of my life.

I Even got my new wheelchair and it’s the bomb, but I can’t even transfer to it. So what’s the fucking point right now!

Fear-Pain-Anger-Depression

I really do wonder sometimes… What’s the fucking point!

[sorry for spelling and or grammar mistakes talk text doesn’t always work exactly as it should]

need sleep...