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Holy elephants Batman, which way is up

Right now it is 2:45 PM on Thursday. I just woke the hell up. I guess it’s better than yesterday when I woke up at 3:30 PM. I went to bed at reasonable hours both nights but my body just does not want to wake up. Maybe it’s because I know what it’s waking up to.  Maybe after all this time I’m just sick and tired of dealing with it. I’m just not quite sure why it all is hitting me so hard right now, but it’s  it’s as if the light at the end of my tunnel is a locomotive coming right at me. I’ve been searching my mind as to why everything is hitting me so badly and I cannot figure it out. Nothing has really changed in the last 4.8 years of being completely bedbound, fuck it the last 5 years ( yes I am rounding up ) to make me feel so lost right now. Or maybe that is the problem, that nothing has changed. I am a grown ass woman who has never been afraid to speak my mind, tell it like it is,  or go toe to toe with someone who is a complete dickwad. 😈 But, this piece of shit MonSter that is MS is a different kind of enemy.  It is very sneaky and it takes away from your soul not just your body. It not only affects the recipient it affects everyone around them that loves them.

 I really am trying to find that blessing. It just seems so out of reach. I know everyone says that I’m lucky because I have the gift of life. And believe me I completely understand that. But is living in a bed every day, every night, every week, every month, really living?  I don’t think that people understand that this part of my journey is not going to change.  I can’t do any of the treatments so I’m as will continue doing what it does and it will continue to progress. So what does somebody do with that? How do you find that blessing knowing that the help that is out there now for your disease, you are not allowed to do. So I think I just have to say fuck it  and be like cookie monster and when it’s unpleasant just eat the fucking cookie. A medicated cookie but you get the idea. 😉
 Tomorrow is my pain management appointment with Dr. Nasser. Once a month like clockwork. I have a list of things to ask and the way I’m feeling I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up being a little forceful when I ask. By forceful I mean I will probably be in tears begging for someone to help me. 😭  Yes, ugly tears. I’m already scared to death to go because I know how bad the pain is going to be when I’m lifted in that Hoyer lift and put in my wheelchair. Hell, just rolling me over to fix my clothes and get me in the lift sling is Is making me sick to my stomach. Fuck fuck fuck you multiple sclerosis!

A little bit of advice before I go… If you yourself have MS and are still able bodied, make a list of everything you want to do and do it now! Don’t put anything off because people with our illness we have no idea what the next day will bring. And if you’re Normie, a person with no afflictions, the same goes for you. Make a list and do the things you want to do now, because even though you don’t have an illness, shit can happen  in the blink of an eye. So do what you want to do now. Please  I beg of you, don’t put it off for another second.

 Have courage and be kind

4 thoughts on “Holy elephants Batman, which way is up

  1. My sister who has RRMS has a fur baby who is her heart and soul, an 85 lb. Bull Mastiff/Staffordshire mix who is a sweetheart. Pets can brighten a person’s life so much and I know your fur kids do just that.

    It sometimes is a good thing in life to take a chance and not be afraid, to make a list and try to be adventurous, to fulfill even one dream you have. Do you realize all the wonderful ways you have helped God’s beautiful creatures from your bed? Your involvement and persistence has made a difference for them when they had no one to help.

    You are a fighter, and will continue despite the pain and despair..and you have love all around you.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much! They truly are wonderful creatures. They always know when we’re feeling down and they’re always there to comfort. Thank you again for your comment and give your sister all my best! 🧡


  2. Tracy, I can’t imagine trying to find blessings when that B%#ch MS has taken so much from you.
    I love that you share with us and by sharing, I hope it helps you to get some of it out of your head. Also, I love that you are a true fighter/warrior and even though most would’ve already already thrown in the towel, you continue to kick ass every single day!
    I can only hope that I am half the woman you are. I’m proud to call you my friend💜 Continue doing what you do to get thru the day, but remember to rest your mind and body when needed.
    I love you sweet friend💜
    PS….eat more “cookies”😉😉😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Lisa. Some days it’s much harder than other to find those blessings. I have to change my mindset and pull up my big girl panties. LOL I think for me there is no throwing in the towel because of my children, and my children with fur. 😉
      I love you girl and I will definitely eat more cookies. ♥️😘


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