I’m not sure I like the person I was before I got sick anyways. I don’t think I’ve ever really liked myself. I just hope part of me can still be found. I see all of the motivational quotes and things where they talk about being brave not bitter blah blah blah I guarantee you the people who make up those quotes are not chronically ill. 😂 Just like the people who say money can’t buy you happiness probably have money. I don’t even know why am blogging right this minute. I saw the quote in the image that I posted and ended up here.
And now trailing off to something completely different, I think there’s a fracture in my right hip. The more I try to move the more things that break. So really you tell me what the point is…
Have courage and be kind
When my alarm goes off at 9 AM to remind me to take my morning medication, I grab my bed remote sit up a little bit, take my meds. Then, normally I will call to my son to bring me a cup of coffee and try and start my day. However, for the past week or so my alarm goes off, I will grab my remote to sit up and take my meds, and then I just lie back to go to sleep. I was in that mode of, why does it matter if I wake up right now, the same thing that happened yesterday it’s going to happen today so who cares. When you’re bedridden, one day rolls right into the next. Every night I go to bed I know that the next morning I will be in the same place doing the same things for the whole day.
Then, finally, at around 1 PM I told myself and to pull up my imaginary bootstraps and wake the hell up. It was really hard to do. I literally saw no reason for me to actually awaken. But, I did, and I made it through this day. Minute by minute is the only thing I can hold onto. Any longer than that and I’m not sure what would happen…
The one thing I do know and I am very sure of… I AM an MS Warrior!
Have courage and be kind!
Right now it is 2:45 PM on Thursday. I just woke the hell up. I guess it’s better than yesterday when I woke up at 3:30 PM. I went to bed at reasonable hours both nights but my body just does not want to wake up. Maybe it’s because I know what it’s waking up to. Maybe after all this time I’m just sick and tired of dealing with it. I’m just not quite sure why it all is hitting me so hard right now, but it’s it’s as if the light at the end of my tunnel is a locomotive coming right at me. I’ve been searching my mind as to why everything is hitting me so badly and I cannot figure it out. Nothing has really changed in the last 4.8 years of being completely bedbound, fuck it the last 5 years ( yes I am rounding up ) to make me feel so lost right now. Or maybe that is the problem, that nothing has changed. I am a grown ass woman who has never been afraid to speak my mind, tell it like it is, or go toe to toe with someone who is a complete dickwad. 😈 But, this piece of shit MonSter that is MS is a different kind of enemy. It is very sneaky and it takes away from your soul not just your body. It not only affects the recipient it affects everyone around them that loves them.
I really am trying to find that blessing. It just seems so out of reach. I know everyone says that I’m lucky because I have the gift of life. And believe me I completely understand that. But is living in a bed every day, every night, every week, every month, really living? I don’t think that people understand that this part of my journey is not going to change. I can’t do any of the treatments so I’m as will continue doing what it does and it will continue to progress. So what does somebody do with that? How do you find that blessing knowing that the help that is out there now for your disease, you are not allowed to do. So I think I just have to say fuck it and be like cookie monster and when it’s unpleasant just eat the fucking cookie. A medicated cookie but you get the idea. 😉
Tomorrow is my pain management appointment with Dr. Nasser. Once a month like clockwork. I have a list of things to ask and the way I’m feeling I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up being a little forceful when I ask. By forceful I mean I will probably be in tears begging for someone to help me. 😭 Yes, ugly tears. I’m already scared to death to go because I know how bad the pain is going to be when I’m lifted in that Hoyer lift and put in my wheelchair. Hell, just rolling me over to fix my clothes and get me in the lift sling is Is making me sick to my stomach. Fuck fuck fuck you multiple sclerosis!
A little bit of advice before I go… If you yourself have MS and are still able bodied, make a list of everything you want to do and do it now! Don’t put anything off because people with our illness we have no idea what the next day will bring. And if you’re Normie, a person with no afflictions, the same goes for you. Make a list and do the things you want to do now, because even though you don’t have an illness, shit can happen in the blink of an eye. So do what you want to do now. Please I beg of you, don’t put it off for another second.
Have courage and be kind