Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings

This is my unapologetic truth and fuck you Independence Blue Cross

I’m trying really hard to find my way back from my depression. But right now my demons are circling around me and they’re not letting go. When Jason told me that I am not covered under my insurance to get to my doctors appointments, I think that was the straw that broke this camels back. First they deny me the only thing that will save me, Acute rehabilitation, and now they’re literally keeping me from my doctors. How do people that are bedridden afford to get to the doctors? I cannot pay $400 to $500 every time I need to see my doctor. The following picture is something that I never really wanted to share but these are my legs. I cannot bend my ankles so my feet are what I call, ballerina feet. I cannot straighten my knees. And as you can tell my legs flop to the sides and I cannot turn them so that they sit properly. This is what six years of being trapped does to you when you have doctors that don’t help you and insurance companies that keep you from getting the care you need.

Let me explain how painful it is when my legs decide to tense up. My feet get even straighter and my toes start to curl and there’s nothing I can do to stop it because I cannot sit up to grab my leg or to rub the area that’s hurt. Because I can’t sit up on my own. As I’m talk texting this it’s hard to see because I haven’t been able to stop crying since I was told by Jason basically, fuck you bitch. I mean basically we’re not gonna help you get your legs back in order. Without rehab nothing is ever going to change for me. I’ve had people ask me how come I didn’t realize this was happening to me. I’m not a fucking doctor dickhead. It wasn’t just one thing that led to this. The following pictures happened soon after I became bedridden. The surgeries for my colostomy and urostomy fucked up. I’m still pissed off that they saved me because I was really hoping they just would’ve let me die when it went bad.



I had the surgery June 10, 2014. it took about four days I guess for a nurse to realize something was wrong so they opened me back up and I had to have a wound VAC to close the hole in my stomach. So for 11 months after the depression was completely and utterly consuming. Because of the problems they had with the colostomy they ended up giving me an ileostomy. That was probably the worst thing that could ever have been done to me. I told them that if they did not fix it when my first wound heals up, that I was leaving earth because there was no way I was going to live with an ileostomy. Now if I were able to move and do things I might not of felt so drastic about it but when you’re trapped and everyone else has to fix it for you, maybe you’d understand. 11 months after they redid the surgery, and it worked but that surgery also needed a smaller wound VAC and the depression again was fucking terrible! So let’s recap… I fell on October 10, 2013 (became bedridden) the following year June 2014, I had the surgery which I wish had killed me, then in 2015 I had the surgery to fix the fuck up. So for the next two years I thought I had to come to terms with having a colostomy and urostomy. Unless you’ve been there you have no fucking idea what it makes you feel like. I still to this day do not like to look at my stomach. You really have no idea how badly I wish I had died in that original surgery.  for the more graphic and full story you can check out my post here.

I know that some of this makes no sense at all because it still doesn’t make any sense to me. I now have no fucking idea how I’m supposed to get to my doctors. They canceled my bladder stone surgery until April 29. Of course I knew that was going to happen, but now I have no way to get to the pre-op appointments for the bloodwork, x-rays, urine samples, everything they need before surgery. I really believe that this is independence blue cross’ way of telling me fuck you bitch we don’t give a shit whether you live or die. Basically we’re not going to help you. We’re not gonna help you get the care you need, we’re not going to help you get to your doctors appointments, and even if you do get to your doctors appointments we’re not going to give you the care that your doctors want you to have. I know that was a huge run-on sentence, but I talk text so it’s as if you and I are sitting there talking with each other. 

I’m really trying to hold on here. I’m really trying to find my way back to the light, but my demons have their closet me right now and they are not letting up. Unfortunately for my demons they don’t realize that it’s when I’m pushed to my limit, when I am shoved headfirst into the ground, that I will rise again like a phoenix. It may take me a minute but I’ll get there and God or the universe or whatever you believe in, help anyone that has tried to keep me down. Because when I come back, I will come back with a vengeance.

 

Anger · Fear · Health · HELL · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

My soul is tired but my will is strong…

Yesterday was an eye-opening experience for me being out of bed really for the first time since August 18, 2019. I am in so much pain today and sleep did not come easily last night. I now understand fully and completely that in-home therapy is not gonna help me at all. I need to be in a place where they re-train my body to move again and help me deal with the pain in my hips. It’s going to be a process and it has to be hard-core. I was up all night thinking about the night I fell on October 10, 2013 and how everything led up to where I am now. I need neurological physical therapy in a facility, NOT at home. I’m going to need the proper medications for the pain and I need to learn how to move again. When I say I’m like a newborn baby, I’m not being sarcastic. I know it’s hard to believe. 😊 I am now going to make an appointment with the neurologist so he gets on board with my pain management doctor about hard-core rehab. The ambulance service comes early Friday morning to take me to my pain management doctors appointment. I’m scared to death. I was only in my chair for a couple of hours and the edema was so bad yesterday it really freaked me out. I’ve never had it that bad. I know that I’m going to be in a lying down position, but that’s how my legs were yesterday I think it was more about the upper half of my body. I don’t even know how to explain it. What I have realized is if something doesn’t happen quickly I’m seriously screwed. I don’t think it’ll ever come back. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move right again unless something happens now. They’re hoping that I am too ill and too tired to fight. We all know it’s about money not about anybody’s health or well-being. I am tired. I am fed up. I am so close to breaking. But unfortunately for them, that’s when my strength shows up! This IS life or death for me. That’s not an overstatement! If something doesn’t change quickly I will not be here much longer. My body is breaking more and more every minute I’m trapped in this bed. Somethings got to give!! I know I know this is really in your face. But I will never back down from this because it is my life! I’ll say that again, this is my life! so now it’s time to get all my ducks in their proverbial row, get to all my doctors appointments via stretcher, and bring it! I’m seriously tired just thinking about it. Please universe give me strength!

Wait till they get a load of me! 😈

Have courage and be kind.

Hope · Quotes · Ramblings · Strength

Don’t give up

I’m trying, every single day I’m trying. I have my courage I just don’t see anything changing. But I will keep trying.

Stephanie was here today and she got me in my wheelchair for an hour or so. It’s going to have to go very slow right now since I haven’t really been out of my bed since August 18, 2019 thanks to Independence Blue Cross. Since being denied rehab my legs my back everything has gotten worse. So now I see it taking even longer because basic rehab in my own house isn’t gonna work. But obviously they don’t care because they’re not the ones that have to live it. Just a short period of time sitting in my wheelchair the edema was so bad in my feet I was mortified. So, thank you Independence Blue Cross for denying me rehab you’re making it so easy on me. And please insert sarcasm wherever you’d like.

Have courage and be kind. 🖤

Craziness · FUCK · Health · HELL · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Strength

It’s the boredom that kills you

As I am lying here trying to find something on TV, everything just hit me at once. My emotions went all over the place. Silently screaming and crying so no one in my house hears me. How long can one lie in the same spot every day? How many books can one person read? How much TV can one person watch? After a while each thing you do becomes boring. You lie the same way at all times as you can no longer roll your body to either side. I’ve actually had people tell me how lucky I am to be able to just lie around all day and have no big responsibilities. Really? 🤔 Maybe for one day or possibly even a week, but 6 years 3 months and counting… You must be fucking ridiculous! Mental torture is 100% accurate! When people tell me they can’t imagine, they have no idea what they would do, they could never cope, etc. They are 100% correct. They can’t imagine the darkness that goes through my mind every day. They have no idea how many nights I pray to whatever entity is out there to take me home. They couldn’t cope with realizing that death would be a beautiful freedom.

Sometimes I wonder which is more crazy, the thoughts that go through my mind or the fact that I stick around for them. My favorite ‘people’ are those that say, “No you’re not going crazy you’re just upset with your situation.” Oh how lovely that would be if it were that simple. I would love just to be ‘upset’ with my situation. That would be much easier to take. 

Have courage and be kind.

*** just a little FYI, I’m just venting and I hate having to add that but some people, the people that don’t know me, take some things I write in the wrong way. 🙄 If I didn’t get my feelings out, then I’d be worried. Thanks everyone… 



Anger · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Strength

Round and Round We Go

I’m probably the only bedridden person that can actually jump through hoops. Actually I’m probably not. I got an email, not a phone call, giving me the same information regarding non-emergent transport. Not sure he actually spoke with them regarding accepting Blue Cross as only one of the three actually accept this insurance. I completely understand why the other two don’t, as Blue Cross doesn’t pay! That in itself is disgusting to me. I was told once I found one that could help me that I should call to get pre-certification. Today I did that with the one company that actually takes independence blue cross. But alas, it is not I that calls for the precertification. I called the pre-cert phone number which took me to Accolade, not Blue Cross. Accolade informed me that I need to go through my doctor to show proof that I need an ambulance ride to and from my doctor to be allowed this service. You know being taken by stretcher to and from my doctors. Yeah, because everyone wants to go by stretcher to their doctors appointments. Are they fucking kidding me?! The Accolade rep did help me out by calling and taking care of all of this BS for me. The first person that actually helped and has done what they say they’re going to do. And she isn’t even a Blue Cross employee. As of now, I have an appointment on the 28th and will be picked up at 7:30 AM so I can finally see my doctor again. But, I’m not holding my breath.

I wish I could say that I am no longer stressed regarding this, but this is only the beginning. I need to get to my neurologists office as well as my urologists office. I had to put off surgery to remove all the bladder stones because of my inability to get out of my bed. Yes I will say that again, I had to keep putting off my surgery because I could not get out of my bed and was turned away from Independence Blue Cross for inpatient rehabilitation. I wonder, do I have to go jump through these hoops every fucking time I need to see my doctor(s)? Do I need to prove that I need to go by stretcher again and again? I truly am disgusted by Independence Blue Cross. ^^ Me, every time I have to talk to these people and every time I have to send an email when they cannot return an actual phone call. And I will say it again and again, how the fuck do these people sleep at night knowing that they are withholding care from another human being that needs specific care?! I will get my inpatient rehabilitation! I will get the care that I need! I will not allow this despicable company to be in charge of my health care over my own doctors!  People we need to stand up and say no more! We need to write to our representatives, call them out, acquire an attorney if needs be, we need to say… We are not going to take this any more! Do I seem angry, a little pissed off… You have no idea! 

Have courage to those who try to keep you down, and be kind!! 

Anger · FUCK · Health · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Strength

Manic Monday – Insurance Saga

My lastest dealings with Independence Blue Cross was all about getting phone numbers from the representative at IBX  for non-emergent transport, PT places etc. Today I made my appointment, far in advance, for my pain management doctor. I called the non-emergent transport companies that were given to me from Independence Blue Cross. I know, redundant, here’s why… The first company I called told me they no longer take Blue Cross insurance. The second company I called said they no longer take Blue Cross insurance because they never get paid from Independence Blue Cross insurance. 😳 The third company said, you have to call the week of your appointment and then there are no guarantees that there will be availability. OK well that’s just fucking fantastic! So let’s recap; the phone numbers that I received from the representative at Independence Blue Cross were ALL dead ends. Now I could pay cash for one of them which would be $283 upfront and then $75 an hour for however long it takes for your appointment. Alrighty then I guess I’ll just pull that cash out of my ass. So tell me what the fuck is the point of having health insurance if it doesn’t help you. We pay thousands of dollars for this insurance and at this point they basically have told me to fuck off and die in my bed. I’m not even going to get into calling the physical therapy places, because talking to those people dropped my IQ many points. I just needed to know if they’ve dealt with people that have contractures things like that. Not one of them could answer the question. It was as if they were reading off a script, “All of our physical therapists are very good. They do their jobs well.” OK good for them, that’s not what I fucking asked you. 🤦🏻‍♀️

My first reaction to all of this this morning was to completely snap. But I held it together. I took deep breath’s and started uncontrollably laughing. I am so angry right now there is no way to even measure the anger that is boiling up inside of me. I know more than anyone, that it’s not good for me blah blah blah. But come the fuck on… Cut me a fucking break… Why can’t one thing work out for me like it’s supposed to. Why??!! I’ll tell you why, INCOMPETENCE!! I’m dealing with people that are reading out of a notebook that the insurance company gets them. I’m dealing with people that have no humanity. I’m dealing with people that would be happy if I just took it and died. Well I have news for you Independence Blue Cross, I’m not going anywhere in fact I’m going to be your worst fucking nightmare! This right here is the end of my rope. Please believe me when I tell you, you really have no idea what you’ve done! 

And as always, have courage and be kind! 

Anger · FUCK · Health · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Strength

Manic Monday – Insurance Saga

My lastest dealings with Independence Blue Cross was all about getting phone numbers from the representative at IBX  for non-emergent transport, PT places etc. Today I made my appointment, far in advance, for my pain management doctor. I called the non-emergent transport companies that were given to me from Independence Blue Cross. I know, redundant, here’s why… The first company I called told me they no longer take Blue Cross insurance. The second company I called said they no longer take Blue Cross insurance because they never get paid from Independence Blue Cross insurance. 😳 The third company said, you have to call the week of your appointment and then there are no guarantees that there will be availability. OK well that’s just fucking fantastic! So let’s recap; the phone numbers that I received from the representative at Independence Blue Cross were ALL dead ends. Now I could pay cash for one of them which would be $283 upfront and then $75 an hour for however long it takes for your appointment. Alrighty then I guess I’ll just pull that cash out of my ass. So tell me what the fuck is the point of having health insurance if it doesn’t help you. We pay thousands of dollars for this insurance and at this point they basically have told me to fuck off and die in my bed. I’m not even going to get into calling the physical therapy places, because talking to those people dropped my IQ many points. I just needed to know if they’ve dealt with people that have contractures things like that. Not one of them could answer the question. It was as if they were reading off a script, “All of our physical therapists are very good. They do their jobs well.” OK good for them, that’s not what I fucking asked you. 🤦🏻‍♀️

My first reaction to all of this this morning was to completely snap. But I held it together. I took deep breath’s and started uncontrollably laughing. I am so angry right now there is no way to even measure the anger that is boiling up inside of me. I know more than anyone, that it’s not good for me blah blah blah. But come the fuck on… Cut me a fucking break… Why can’t one thing work out for me like it’s supposed to. Why??!! I’ll tell you why, INCOMPETENCE!! I’m dealing with people that are reading out of a notebook that the insurance company gets them. I’m dealing with people that have no humanity. I’m dealing with people that would be happy if I just took it and died. Well I have news for you Independence Blue Cross, I’m not going anywhere in fact I’m going to be your worst fucking nightmare! This right here is the end of my rope. Please believe me when I tell you, you really have no idea what you’ve done! 

And as always, have courage and be kind!