Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings

This is my unapologetic truth and fuck you Independence Blue Cross

I’m trying really hard to find my way back from my depression. But right now my demons are circling around me and they’re not letting go. When Jason told me that I am not covered under my insurance to get to my doctors appointments, I think that was the straw that broke this camels back. First they deny me the only thing that will save me, Acute rehabilitation, and now they’re literally keeping me from my doctors. How do people that are bedridden afford to get to the doctors? I cannot pay $400 to $500 every time I need to see my doctor. The following picture is something that I never really wanted to share but these are my legs. I cannot bend my ankles so my feet are what I call, ballerina feet. I cannot straighten my knees. And as you can tell my legs flop to the sides and I cannot turn them so that they sit properly. This is what six years of being trapped does to you when you have doctors that don’t help you and insurance companies that keep you from getting the care you need.

Let me explain how painful it is when my legs decide to tense up. My feet get even straighter and my toes start to curl and there’s nothing I can do to stop it because I cannot sit up to grab my leg or to rub the area that’s hurt. Because I can’t sit up on my own. As I’m talk texting this it’s hard to see because I haven’t been able to stop crying since I was told by Jason basically, fuck you bitch. I mean basically we’re not gonna help you get your legs back in order. Without rehab nothing is ever going to change for me. I’ve had people ask me how come I didn’t realize this was happening to me. I’m not a fucking doctor dickhead. It wasn’t just one thing that led to this. The following pictures happened soon after I became bedridden. The surgeries for my colostomy and urostomy fucked up. I’m still pissed off that they saved me because I was really hoping they just would’ve let me die when it went bad.

I had the surgery June 10, 2014. it took about four days I guess for a nurse to realize something was wrong so they opened me back up and I had to have a wound VAC to close the hole in my stomach. So for 11 months after the depression was completely and utterly consuming. Because of the problems they had with the colostomy they ended up giving me an ileostomy. That was probably the worst thing that could ever have been done to me. I told them that if they did not fix it when my first wound heals up, that I was leaving earth because there was no way I was going to live with an ileostomy. Now if I were able to move and do things I might not of felt so drastic about it but when you’re trapped and everyone else has to fix it for you, maybe you’d understand. 11 months after they redid the surgery, and it worked but that surgery also needed a smaller wound VAC and the depression again was fucking terrible! So let’s recap… I fell on October 10, 2013 (became bedridden) the following year June 2014, I had the surgery which I wish had killed me, then in 2015 I had the surgery to fix the fuck up. So for the next two years I thought I had to come to terms with having a colostomy and urostomy. Unless you’ve been there you have no fucking idea what it makes you feel like. I still to this day do not like to look at my stomach. You really have no idea how badly I wish I had died in that original surgery.  for the more graphic and full story you can check out my post here.

I know that some of this makes no sense at all because it still doesn’t make any sense to me. I now have no fucking idea how I’m supposed to get to my doctors. They canceled my bladder stone surgery until April 29. Of course I knew that was going to happen, but now I have no way to get to the pre-op appointments for the bloodwork, x-rays, urine samples, everything they need before surgery. I really believe that this is independence blue cross’ way of telling me fuck you bitch we don’t give a shit whether you live or die. Basically we’re not going to help you. We’re not gonna help you get the care you need, we’re not going to help you get to your doctors appointments, and even if you do get to your doctors appointments we’re not going to give you the care that your doctors want you to have. I know that was a huge run-on sentence, but I talk text so it’s as if you and I are sitting there talking with each other. 

I’m really trying to hold on here. I’m really trying to find my way back to the light, but my demons have their closet me right now and they are not letting up. Unfortunately for my demons they don’t realize that it’s when I’m pushed to my limit, when I am shoved headfirst into the ground, that I will rise again like a phoenix. It may take me a minute but I’ll get there and God or the universe or whatever you believe in, help anyone that has tried to keep me down. Because when I come back, I will come back with a vengeance.


6 thoughts on “This is my unapologetic truth and fuck you Independence Blue Cross

  1. Tracy, I am acutely aware of your words and your desperation. It is palpable. Can you ask for the transcripts of your last few conversations with BC? Maybe you have them. I don’t know how it works to file a grievance or a lawsuit, but I know you need documentation of refusal to grant care. Do you have a copy of your plan with the stated benefits? I found a copy of ours on the website after logging in. I have found that every time I call, I get a different person, and usually a different answer. Rhetorical question…., but has anything come of the attorney? You should not be the person dealing with all of this, but I know there isn’t currently anyone else. I’m sorry to ask questions of you. You don’t need to be questioned. You need an advocate that is no cost.

    Sent from my iPhone


    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m getting everything together and making copies of all my denials etc. And I’m going to highlight all of the errors because there are many. I spoke with the attorney so now I’m just getting all the things they may need together.
      I wonder if our conversations were taped because if so I would like those as well. Thank you for giving me some things to think about. And thank you for always being so supportive! Love you my friend.


  2. Agree completely with Elizabeth Chalfont..this has become a vicious circle for you, and you need someone on your side to speak for you, I know easier said than done. BC has to be held responsible for denying you the care you need..are there possibly lawyers that will help a disabled person go after an insurance company and payment will be made to them after the case settles. I don’t know how it works in the state of California. I still believe you should contact someone who is affiliated with the MS Society, explain your situation and see if they can recommend someone..sure wish I lived near you, it would be easier to help. Just know I am always here to listen. ♥️♥️♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There are lawyers that deal with this called Erisa attorneys. I think I’ll call the MS foundation and the MS Society maybe they have some thoughts on this.
      I thank you for always being supportive to me and listening. I really appreciate you! ♥️😘


  3. Tracy, I’m so sorry. I understand the depression, how it feels when your body becomes your own worst enemy and when it feels like you hit nothing but road blocks to better health. I’ve really learned to hate the people who work within the insurance industry, medical profession. I wish we lived closer, we could get together and be a force to be reckoned with.
    Have you ever contacted your local Independent Living Center? They have different names in different places, but they are disability rights advocates and might be able to help you manage all of this, or at the very least refer you to someone who might be able to assist you.
    Love you, girlfriend

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No I have it. Thank you very much I am going to check this out. I need someone on my side that can help when I’m tired. I know you understand that.
      Love you! 🖤😘

      Liked by 1 person

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