Tag: Strength

Ramblings

Victim or Survivor

Tracy7 Comments

This is a question I think we all need to ask ourselves. Whether we are disabled or healthy. I know many ‘healthy’ people that act the victim. Life is not fair to them, they got dealt the wrong hand. Why do some get everything they want when they do not?

I prefer to be in the survivor category. Do I get down on myself and feel angry at the cards I have been dealt? Of course I do as my hand is a shitty one. But I refuse to stop playing. One day I my get that royal flush. The only way to know is to survive. I am not always the strong one people think I am. I cry quite easily, I yell at G [God], I get angry watching people who are able to walk. Maybe not so much anger, but sadness at what I have lost. I have always been tall, uber tall. Growing up in my day being 6′ for a girl was not the norm. I hated it so much. I ‘slumped’ when I walked. I remember thinking G finally listened, how much shorter can I be, being in a wheelchair! Crazy thinking, right?

A few weeks back I got so down. Being a ‘shut in’ can be terribly depressing when you were once an active mom and woman. Each time I progress a bit I have a kind of ‘memorial’ for what I have lost. I grieve the loss of strength in my arms, or the weakness in me legs, or the worsening fatigue. It almost as if I am hearing the words, ‘You have Multiple Sclerosis’, all over again. So, it is a process for me. I have my grieving period, cry , scream, and then pull those boot straps up and get on with it.

There have been a couple times, more than I like to admit, where I have held a handful of pills and thought I can end the pain. That is when my inner strength has always found her way to the surface. I see my children’s faces and realize what that kind of action would do to them. That is not a legacy I want to leave them. I see my husband’s face and the pain it would cause him. I see my family and how it would hurt them all to the depths of their souls. She has come through, she has shown me once again that I am  a survivor. This is my strength.

I am no victim! I am an intelligent, beautiful, strong woman living with MS! The day I was diagnosed the internet truly became my friend. I researched every medication, every type of MS, every natural alternative, eating habits, foods, etc. Anything I could find I read. I no longer take medications for my MS as I have not found one that has had enough research done for those with the progressive forms. This is for me only. I am no doctor, so for others they do what they need to do. I only use medications for pain that may become uncomfortable. And not always on a daily basis. This works for me.

I am not a victim of MS, I am a woman surviving and living with MS!

We all have some sort of battle in our lives, it is how we choose to perceive ourselves in that battle. So, who are you? The victim or the survivor?

Blessings and peace!

Ramblings

Adoption…

Tracy9 Comments

In the news: is Elton John and his partner going to adopt a toddler from A Hungarian orphanage? Katherine Heigl and her hubby adopting from Korea. And we know Brangelina adopt from all over the world. And do not forget about Madonna!

How will our own Country ever be strong if our own children are forgotten? We have orphans here in the United States in need of of families as well. Many of them are in awful circumstances and could use a loving home. Many of them are lost in the system and feel unloved and forgotten.

But, if an actor adopts from another Country you are headline news. If an actor adopts from the USA they get a one day small article. EX: Sharon Stone adopted a child from the U.S.A. How many knew that one?

We have babies here whose parents have died from AIDS in our Country as well. Whose parents have died from tragic accidents. What about them? Is it for the bigger headlines? Really, why?

Until we help those in need here in our own Country, we will never be strong again. Why are our babies forgotten? I feel for the babies in the other countries as well, but until ours are taken care of how can we ever be strong again. We too have white babies, black babies, asian babies, and more here in the USA that would love to have a home.

We cannot help any other country’s babies until we save our own and become the strongest Country in the World once more. We have to help our babies, here at home to become strong once again. Why is that so hard to see? I know many of these children come from horrible places, but our orphans do as well. Why is it different?

I am NOT saying these children do not matter. I am saying we cannot help others until we heal our own! Our babies are fostered out, and not always to loving people. They can be thrown around from home to home one day being out on their own. Some run away. Some end up on the streets with no means of taking care of themselves. Some may join gangs, some may turn to the streets and basically end up selling their soul. Just one of these babies may not have ended up this way if someone in their own Country had choose to adopt them and love them.

I’m sorry if some do not agree, but this is my blog and my feelings. If I did not have this MonSter of a disease I would love to adopt a child or two to add to my family. I always wanted to adopt one day. But, now, I am not able.

I know that ALL children are special and important. Maybe if all of our own babies got a good home with love one day they may adopt from another place. In a perfect world I guess…

Blessings and Peace

Ramblings

The heat is not my friend!

Tracy14 Comments

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved the sun, the heat, the beauty of it all. Now, not so much! lol

Today is my dd’s first soccer game. I am unable to go. Why you ask? The heat. It is going to be 96 degrees today. I missed half of her games last year due to the heat, and it broke my heart. Now, here we are again.

We all hear the line…’I have MS, but it doesn’t have me!’ I feel that way, most days. Today…NOPE! It does have me today. It is keeping me from seeing my girl play her second year of soccer. It keeps me from being at her practices. So, there are times it DOES have me. Sometimes we need to be realistic in our situations. Today is that time for me. Yet, in a month or so, I will be able to go to her games as the weather will change and the cooler times will come. In this case, that is the light at the end of this tunnel. This year, I now have my wheel-chariot that can get me on the grass and the dirt tracks. So, there is my other light in the darkness.

I truly think it is in the way we perceive our trials. Do we only see the bad, or can we find the good? I try and the find the good. Does it always work? NO. Are there days when no good can be found? YES. Those are the days that inner strength finds her way in and helps me through. Do I hate having MS, degenerative disc disorder, colitis, migraines, fatigue, incontinence? EVERY DAY! Do I ask, ‘Why me?’ All the time. Do I cry in private so my family does not see my pain? All the time. Do I get angry that my kids have had to know me this way their whole lives and watch me slowly get worse? More than anything!! Did I lose my faith? Yes.

So, I find the humor to get through it all. I laugh when I fall. I laugh when I get the shakes. [hubby says I have the rhythm] I laugh as I try to get back up off the floor with the help of my kids. It is quite comical. Two skinny lil things trying to lift their 6′ tall mommy off the ground. So, in come the 6′ tall 15 year old boy to the rescue. When he realizes he need to push up on mommies bum, he freaks out a bit. “Mom, I don’t wanna touch your butt!” Poor child. lol But he does, and up I go.

I am blessed with a family full of love all around me. I am blessed with friends. Does this make it better? sometimes, yes. But, I’d rather be blessed with all of this and be healthy. This is the hand I was dealt, so I will play my hand and do my best to win. This, is life!

Blessings and Peace!

When the world say, “Give up.” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time!”