Just another little poll. I’m kind of a horror fan myself, but really watch anything and everything.
ย Did I forget drama? ๐ฎ I guess I did. LOL if dramas are your thing, just write it in the comments. Have a fabulous morning, day, night wherever you may be.
Peace out! ๐ค
I know, two blogs – one day.
Just a mellow check in. lol Mellow, as in me… mellow. Listening to an amazing mix my daughter Ashley made for me. Playing games on FB. I found some I forgot I had. Bubble Witch Saga for one. It’s fun. I’ve been playing it for over and hour. It has me mesmerized.
It’s 1:30 am and, as usual, no sleep in sight. To medicate, or not to medicate? That is the question. At this point, I’m not even sure of the question. Are you? Doubt it.
I really need my room painted something other than white. Some fun colors to match my personality. And no, not black. lmao Although…
My daughter Shelby is itching to paint the interior. I explained the concept of money to her, and explained that we have none. ๐ Yet, it would be a nice change for me. Believe me, I need some change. Feel free to donate to, the help me paint house fund. [donate button on the left] ๐ I actually want my room in pale grays/blue colors. Muted and simple. The rest of the house in light mochas. The girls painted their own rooms in the colors they wanted. Turned out wonderfully. The boy hasn’t painted his room yet. I’m thinking black. Just kidding… or am I.
I’m kinda thinking being up most of the night is okay for me. Not sleeping may be the way my mind is protecting me. Let me explain; during the day people are bustling. I hear cars going by and read about fun things people do. I feel I’m missing out on life. At night, my house is quiet, the road is quiet. Most are in bed, like me. So, by sleeping in the afternoon, I sleep through the sadness of dreaming of lives I will not lead. Being awake at night, the house is quiet, the road is still. I can take it all in and not feel broken. I know, it sounds quite mad. It’s just hard to put to words. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. go.figure.
Do you ever hear a song that takes you back to a time and place forever in your heart? Does your heart ache? I literally either cry for a loss, laugh at fun time, or get ‘oh Hell no’ angry. lol Listening to music is one of the things that keep me sane.
2:15 am and all is Unwell. Love that song.
Back to my games! Peace!
So, my friend Steph wants me to do an ‘Ask Tracy’ sort of thing. For some reason she finds me funny and refreshingly errrr, brutally honest.
Right now I’m pretty much bed-ridden, a prisoner in my own body. The boredom is making me a bit nutty… Even more so than normal. lol So I thought this could be fun.
So, if anyone has any kind of question, ask me in the comment section of this post. Remember, I am brutally honest, so if you do not want to hear/read what I think, then do not comment. ๐
Funny stuff!! ๐
Love and Light!
Sorry, you know it’s funny! And I said please. ๐
Hi my name is Tracy, and I’m aย Candy Crush-aholic!
This game is highly addictive. Thanks to one of my favorite people, my stepmom, I’m addicted. I actually play a lot of games. They keep my mind occupied. When you’re stuck in bed most of the time, ย it’s good to have an outlet. And games are my thing. My neurologist says it’s good to play them as they keep your mind active. Well if that’s true, then my mind is active all the time.
I play this and a few others on my MAC, my iPad, and my iPhone. I know, I need to get a life! lol But, this is my life. I’ve had to learn to let go of many things and find new things to replace them. Thanks to the internet, I found games!! Woot Woot!
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At this time, I’m getting ready to watch, Alfred Hitchcock Presents. He was a twisted little man. Probably why I like his shows. The Birdsย [1963] is a favorite of mine. Years ago I was in Bodega Bay and they still have the ‘fake’ crows on the school fences and around the town. Totally creepy, but wickedly cool. Psycho [1960] is another favorite. There are so many of his works I love. Wicked is as wicked does! ๐
Off for now and back to Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Kids are all out with friends, hubby getting ready for bed, so quiet time with TV for me. Ahhhhh silence!
love and light
Another sleepless night here at Casa Radford! When this happens my mind cannot quiet down. After watching some eye candy on The Vampire Diaries, namely Damon, Klaus, and Stefan, crazy thoughts went flying through my head. Get your mind outta the gutter!! lmao
Things that irritate me:
Chewing with your mouth open
People who can’t put down their cell phones when visiting. RUDE much. Stop freaking texting.
Those who answer a question WITH a question.
People who complain about getting fat, when the only thing ‘fat’ is their head!
Dealing with idiot nurses at my neuro’s office.
Angelina Jolie’s lips. Get that woman some Chapstick for fucks sake!!
Dark thoughts:
Anxiety strikes when I can’t sleep and depression sets in, then anger, then craziness. I go from crying, to wanting to just punch someone in the face, to giggling. Time for the huggy jacket! [in black please with silver studs]
Psycho Babble:
The next thing I know is I’m singing songs in my head. I find myself rockin’ out as I’m lying down. Hmmm, this is exercise for me. ๐ Then I ‘write’ down, in my mind, what my next blog will be. It always sounds better in my head then when I actually start typing it out. Although they don’t make much sense either way. I think sometimes I might be a tad A.D.D… Oh look, a shiny penny.
What I will say, is that being in my head can be fun. Being a tad off is much more enjoyable than being ‘normal’. I’m also kind of lucky. I may be trapped i a body I hate, but I still have a window to outside world. I have an awesome adjustable king size bed, a cool hospital type table on wheels for my MAC [my link to life], and a huge TV on my wall with wireless capabilities [Netflix, You Tube, etc.]. I’m pretty spoiled by my hubby. He’s all right… for a guy! ๐
Until next time.
Love and Light
This person did an amazing video of them.
I had never watch TVD [The Vampire diaries] before and my dd’s got me watching and catching up on Netflix and on the internet . We watched all 4 seasons in approximately 5 days. I could not turn it off. I am so anxious for season 5. If you love the ‘romance’ and mystery regarding Vampire lore, you will love this series. I’m completely hooked now! Love me some Vampires!
Nights like these are beginning to piss me off. Mr. Sandman must have lost my freakin’ address. My night has been watching movies and trying to sleep.
I realized after reading yesterdays blog, I really haven’t gotten out of bed for a while now. I’ve been thinking about the ‘why’ I haven’t. If I am truly honest with myself, I know the reason… “What’s the point?” I could get up and sit in my wheel-chariot, but then my ankles become kankles, and I really hate that. I’m no longer able to drive, so I can’t just get up and go out. Unless I have help, I can’t even get out of my bed to get in my chair. So, again, “What’s the point?” I feel safe here. I really hate being out in public. I’m in a body I hate, and frankly I don’t like people. I’m not me anymore.
Some might say I’m feeling sorry for myself. Well DUH! I’m fucking human, of course I do at times. Anyone dealing with a progressive illness is lying if they say they never feel sorry for themselves. It’s human nature. I also feel anger, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, and the list goes on. My body is broken and it’s messing with my head. I try so hard to find the ‘positives’ of life, but when you can’t even sit up in bed without someone pulling you up by your arm, positivity is hard to find. Then the fear sets in. Will tomorrow be the day I wake up and my body no longer moves at all? Every night that thought crosses my mind. I’ve lost 2 dear friends, younger than me, to complications of PPMS. It’s fucking scary. And please don’t anyone say it could be worse! This IS my ‘worse’. Death would be easier. I’m so tired of fighting this all the time. But, I’ve never been a quitter, so death is not an option. But, I’m just so fucking tired!!
I know some of my emotions right now stem from the loss of my mom. But honestly, there’s nothing wrong with telling it like it is… the cold hard truth. So many people with with debilitating illnesses keep their inner thoughts to themselves for fear of what others might think. Yes, I think of death, and how much easier it would be. Will I go there? NO! But, the thought is in my head at times. It’s much healthier to talk about it then keep it bottled up inside. People with disabilities unite!! It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to feel sorry for ourselves, it’s okay to be angry as hell. We need to vent it out in order to heal our minds. Honestly, if the ‘healthies’ and/or others don’t like it or want to hear it, fuck them! They’re not worthy of us in the first place. You really do find out who your try friends are when illness [serious illness, not a cold ๐ ] strikes.
People tell me all the time to think of the good things; family and my friends who love me. DUH, I know this, but I’d also like a little quality of life. No one but me lives in my body. No one but me feels my emotional and constant physical pain. My body no longer works, I can’t do anything without someone there to help me. My independence is gone. When my kids are in school and hubby is at work and I’m home alone, it’s terrifying. I can’t get out of bed or do anything for fear of falling and hurting myself. It feels like i’m in jail.
There’s a line from one of my favorite movies, Last Holiday, that sums it up. “I would like to be cremated. I spent my whole life in a box. I don’t want to be buried in one.”
I know kind of depressing, but my feelings in a nutshell.
ย I’m not getting better. I will keep progressing. Scary part is that progression at this point is heading towards total paralysis. Oh joy!
I am looking in to a new neurologist. After 16 years with the same one I feel he’s getting a bit lax. I’m also looking in to a wheel-chariot that has a reclining and raising option. I’ve been looking for clinical trials for PPMS, but most say the patient needs to be able to walk 20 feet to qualify. Are you fucking kidding me. I even looked in to a trial for incontinence, and didn’t qualify. SERIOUSLY!! I’m the incontinent Queen for fucks sake. If they can help me, they can help anyone! ๐ There’s all kinds of new medications for RRMS. Shit, if they could find a medication for the progressive form, that works, they could control RRMS completely. Get on it you researching fools!!
Well peeps, it’s now after 6am. Think I’ll find another movie to watch. Preferably something boring that will put me to sleep. Where’s my ole economics professor when I need him. lmao
A quick note, I’m reading some cool spell books. Who knows i may be able to cure myself. I believe in the power of nature and balance. Damn, I’ve tried everything else, it can’t hurt to give this a go. I’ll keep you posted.
Ta-Ta for now. Love and Light
And I tell you, with MS, even laughing too hard let’s it flow!!! ๐
Making it Through the Rain 