Category: Sarcasm

Craziness · Family · Health · HELL · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Strength

Making it Through the Rain…

Tracy17 Comments

This blog is my blog. It is for me to share my life with my friends and my family and anyone who has an interest. It is to tell the stories of a crazy lady living with MS…moi!

When all the crap happened to me at the hospital I used it, MY blog, to reach out to my readers for support through a time that encompassed my world in a not so good way. I never wanted nor asked for your sympathy or pity. That’s not what I want. I needed…NEEDED support and friendship. That is why I shared my experience with you all.

This past year I have progressed more than any year previous, but still found the humor and tried to always add something in my blogs for a giggle. Even in my Hell Hospital blogs I tried to add humor.

During my stay in the big house, I was informed that I have acquired 3 new active lesions on my spine. With all the hospital terror and the issues of late, I put that aside and put it to the back of my mind. I am terrified of what these lesions could mean. No one can really give me a definitive answer. Is this the reason I can no longer use my walker and rely on my wheel-chariot now more than ever? Am I on my way to total paralysis? Again, no one knows. But either way I will deal with it as it comes. My inner spirit is strong.

There may be days I will be down, happens when you have a chronic illness that takes from you every day. But, as I have said before, NEVER confuse my tears or sadness for weakness as you will be wrong. I am strong in mind, heart, and soul. I do make it through the rain EVERY day of my life. I  do this with the help of my family and my friends that accept me for who I am and not what they want me to be.

I was told I look for sympathy and feel sorry for me cards [whatever the fuck that meant]. In this case this was one of the ‘the pot totally calling the kettle black’ things. Sympathy and the feel sorry me BS is something I have no time for.

This is a blog about a woman who lives with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. Of course there will be blogs that might be a tad depressing. DUH!!! But, you will always find HOPE in my writings. I end every blog with ‘Blessings and Hope’! Why, because there always is Hope!!

I am only me, and will no longer apologize for that! No one should ever apologize for being who they are.

So, here it is, take me as I am and I will do the same for you. If you feel I have wronged you, talk to me, come to me and I will show you the same courtesy. I am not a liar as I have no reason to lie.  I am not a manipulative person, but have found that many have tried to manipulate me. Do not do it again!!

I will now be back to my former sarcastic, a bit crazy, mentoring blogging in hopes that maybe I can help someone in a similar situation. Maybe we can help each other. And btw, I do still make some wicked tasty lemonade from the lemons life has given me.

Thank you for being here and reading me. As new details arise regarding the hell hospital situation, I will update. [if you do not want to read em, then move the fuck on] 🙂

And, as always…

Blessings and Hope!!

Health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Talking Positive…

Tracy21 Comments

Now, while I know a positive attitude is ‘healthy’ that does not mean I have to be positive all the time. My friend Vicki pointed me to fabulous blog;
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/02/cancer-positive-thinking-barbara-ehrenreich

Lines like ‘enough of all this positive shit – let us just adjust and rage and kick ass if we want’, had me peeing myself…literally!

I am so happy for people that can be honestly positive and happy. I think it’s awesome. I was there once. But, sometimes in life, shit happens and sometimes it’s not positive. I’m positive I have primary progressive MS. I’m positive it helped to cause my degenerative disc dis-order, fatigue, incontinence, tremors, spiders [feeling like something is crawling all over me], migraines, depression, eye problems, constant  numbness, oh and the little issue of no longer being able to walk. So I’m positively pissed off and angry. Is that really so very terrible?

Just because I am not always positive does not mean I’m not happy. Does not mean good things don’t happen to me. I am happy, most days, and good things do happen to me.

But when well meaning [idiots] tell me maybe if I was more positive I could heal my body. Really??

HA!

Don’t get me wrong, most people do mean well. But some are just psycho, new age, get stung by bees, snake oil sales people. And those people can be ‘deadly’ to someone with a true illness. People told my friend Vicki to drink her own urine for her cancer! WTF is that about. My sister had stage 3 breast cancer, if she had listened to these morons, she would not be here right now. We all know and hear that many hardcore medications are poison, but it saved my sister. She is in her 6th year of remission. Drinking urine would have killed her. She is an R.N. and knew what she had to do to survive, like Vicki. I’m very glad they did, and they are still here!

Others told my friend Carol maybe her cancer came because her faith was not right/good. WOW!! I was told the same things. Or like the moronic book, The Secret, I intended it. Really??! And people believe this shite? I’m thinking they must not be the brightest stars in the sky! I’m POSITIVE they have mental illness! There, some positivity for you! 😛

I’ll get off my positive soap box, for now.

Blessings and Hope!

Ramblings · Sarcasm

I have a food confession…

Tracy4 Comments

I try so hard to live by my paleo lifestyle. It helped me to lose 20 pounds and feel better. It did not allow me to walk or ‘cure’ my MS. [MS CANNOT be cured, but it can be controlled for some] What the paleo lifestyle did was help my fatigue, my dizziness, my IBS/colon issues, and an array of other little issues. As stated before, it even helped me to lose weight with minimal exercise.

So, what is my confession you ask?  [I know u r asking] I have fallen off the wagon for a bit as of late. For the last 3 nights we have McD’s. The most evil food in the world. I am so mad at myself for eating it and for allowing my kids to eat that crap!! The breads alone will make you sick.

I know better, which is why I am so pissed off at me. I know I feel better when I eat the right way. So WTF is my problem??  I eat this crap and then hate myself for it. HELLO…wake up Tracy!

I quit smoking 3.5 years ago.

That was [so far] the hardest thing I have ever given up. Do i feel better for it, YES. Do I miss it every day…YES. But, I do not pick one up and start again. So, why can’t I quit the shitty foods?! And yes, they are shitty for EVERYONE!! Why do we think The USA is the ‘fattest’ Country. We are made to believe that it is ok to eat fast food. They have nutrition guides and use better oils!!  Ya, and I fell off the turnip truck yesterday!!

Ok, ok I’ll get off my soapbox… for now! We will be discussing this at a later date in my ‘Living with MS’ blog series anyways. Bet ya cannot wait!!

Anywho, I needed to come clean and confess my food splurge!! Even though it is all I ate on those days, it is still the worst things I could have put in my body. I will be paying for it for the next few days. It is already starting. Time to water up!

Blessings and Hope…

ps…if you need to find me, I’ll be in my bathroom!

Craziness · Fear · Health · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Yup, you guessed it…

Tracy6 Comments

Another ‘no sleep in sight night’ for me. But I wonder…is it because I cannot sleep or because I do not want to sleep? I had mentioned a while back that the night is my haven. It is dark and quiet. [the way I like it] My kids call me momma Vampyre. I am normal. No need to get up and go. No need to do anything at all. The house is ‘asleep’ and I can be whole, if only for a short time. Hubby is buzz sawing in sofa city again. The kids [off school] are quietly playing video games. And, again the big dogs are sound to sleep in here with me. Life, for me, can not get any better than this. As I read this, I realize it  may sound kind of  pathetic to those who do not know me. In all actuality, it is quite awesome. I can hear the occasional loud ‘snort’ from sofa city, and the kids pop in from time to time to get a hug and tell me they love me. That’s wicked cool if you ask me.

If I was well, life would be sooooo much more different. But, I wonder, would it be better? Would I be happier? The initial answer is HELL to the YES!! But, really, would it be? My husband would have a better wife, my kids a better mommy.  So for them, yes, I feel it would be better. Sadly, we will never know. Would I give my right arm for my legs to work again, fatigue to stop, MS to go the fuck away…YUP!! Cut it off, no anesthetic, whatever, just give me back my legs and take the MS back!! Hmmmm, ok maybe use anesthetic. lol I mean, I’m left handed…

I have been watching a buttload of movies and get so depressed sometimes. I hate people that can walk!! Ok, not the people so much, but their ability to walk. I get very jealous. Yup, I said it, I get jealous and yes anger plays a part as well. I’m human, it happens. I’m also honest. When I used to pick up the kids from school, I would sit in the van and cry watching all the moms standing around and getting their kids. Some holding babies or their toddlers. I barely got to do that with my girls because by the time they were born the weakness got very bad. I was much too afraid to carry them for fear of falling and/or dropping them. Even with the boy, I was afraid to fall and/or drop him. By then he was 2yrs 4mos. It really sucked! What they did get, was a mommy home with them all the time. Helping with homework, reading to them, being there for them 24/7. So, sometimes I feel they got more from me than from the ‘healthy’ moms. My time was for them. If anything, hubby got the worst of it having to do all the things I could no longer do. Aw hell, it builds character! lol

I used to get mad as for years I knew something was wrong. I was dx’ed with CFS in 1986. I guess they figured a 6′ tall, thin, healthy woman, did not need an MRI or anything then.  I was working and going to college. No wonder why I was tired. Then I wonder if I had know, would I have had children? Would I have married? My answer, most likely NOT! It’s now a tad late for the what ifs. So, I just keep on keeping on and wear whatever mask is needed for the day. My masks are my protection from the world. Those close to me know when my masks are on [sometimes]. Those not close to me do not need to know. It is better for them they do not see the real pain behind the mask. My way of protecting others I guess.

As 2009 comes closer to the end, I wonder…will 2010 look brighter? I guess the real question is, will I look to 2010 as brighter? Just like ‘how many licks to get to the center of a lollipop’… the world may never know! HA

Blessings and Hope …

Quotes · Ramblings · Sarcasm

My quote, my new motto…

Tracy6 Comments

So last night while creating my [medication induced] blog my mind went blank. As I was trying to find a ‘witty’ way of ending, I put down that I lost my train of thought. I looked at it a few times and and BAM… a thought hit and fit me perfectly. Hence the birth of:

Yes, yes I had to make a mini banner!! lol

Now, I am not sure if it has been said before or not, but for now, it is mine…all mine! 😛 I had friends telling me that it gave them a laugh and they loved it. It makes me very happy when I can turn a [sometimes] bleak blog into something that makes people smile. That’s how I roll! I try to always leave readers with a smile even when my blogs may get a tad depressing. My favorite emotion is laughter through tears, and joy from sadness, why I find a way of ending on a ‘happy’, even sarcastic note.

Out for now [at least a couple of hours]. As always:

Blessings and Hope…

Family · Health · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Sleepless in California…

Tracy14 Comments

The hubby is ‘softly’ snoring, kids talking as quiet as kids can, and I cannot sleep. So I am here to ramble…

Do you ever feel like something is missing, or you forgot to do something important?  I HATE that feeling! I am not one to forget things, and yet lately I forget everything. My MS is messing with my cognitive  skills, and that pisses me off more than losing the use of my legs. Shit, even more than incontinence issues. I actually forgot to pay two bills in the past months. That is so not me. Thankfully we are never late and I got out of late fess. Get this, I even have reminders…and i still forgot. It’s the damn ‘some-timers’; sometimes I remember, sometimes I don’t! 😛 So, if anyone out there knows what I am forgetting to do, please let me know. rofl

This blog may be out of sorts, as I have no clue about anything. My girl Ruby made it through her 11 hour back surgery with flying colors, so no more worries there. Christmas is over and it was good, but YAY it’s over, so all good there. A woman needing help, got help thanks to Laurie and her call to arms at Facebook. So that is really good.

I am feeling sad about my good friend Lu’s father, passing away. I so wish there was something I could do to help her through this time. Lu. if you are reading, know you are in my thoughts and blessings and if you need me, I’m here! I cannot imagine her pain. That is the problem with having friends so far away, I cannot get over to her home and give her a hug. Love ya Lu!

—————————————-

I have so many thoughts going on in my lil head and cannot sort them out. ARRGGHH I get so frustrated when this happens. There is no sleep in sight and  deciphering my crazy thoughts. I start thinking about new designs for a bracelet, then POOF my mind goes to how can I get out and start doing some photography, then POOF thinking about a blog I want to write on finding my center. I try to concentrate on one, but then something catches my eye and I’m off to another dimension of space and time! lol

I have lil chicken scratches of things I think of and want to accomplish someday. I want a concert ukulele, but then I would like to try a zither or harp. I have heard the vibrations of musical instruments on the body help to center some, find a sense of peace, if you will. I re-tried to play guitar, but my hands were not strong enough to hold down the strings. We have a piano, which I mess around with, but it’s a lil big to have in my bed on bad days! So, I am looking for something small enough to keep with me. I need music in my life…

I figured by now I would be getting tired…NOPE. Just more goofy. Maybe it’s my meds. Ya that’s it, it’s my meds.

Hubby is no longer ‘softly’ snoring. Now he is buzz sawing it. It’s like razor blades being slid through my brain.

me...

I just ordered a snoring mouthpiece thingy for him. I so hope it works or he will be back in sofa city soon. I see visions of me, a wrought iron skillet in hand, and his head. I am thinking ear plugs before that vision becomes reality!! I can still hear him even when he is in sofa city, even when I have my ipod on. The house shakes. I’m thinking it’s it the big one [cali, earthquakes], but no it’s just him…snoring! I have some earplugs from when I had my last MRI. They kind of rock. Better than the ones in the store. But they suck to sleep in. So, pray for the hubby that the mouthpiece works, or no more cal king bed for him!! mwaaaahhhhhhhh

OMG, so hubby is snoring. Not too loud now as the plugs are in, but now one of the 3 dogs just popped a HUGE bean and it stinks!! Holy man…where is the spray? rofl This is so life in my world. I love it! Loud and smelly and I would not change a thing. [maybe get some nose plugs too]

I need Mr. Sandman please. Hope he’s cute, maybe Gerard Butler cute. Maybe not, as no sleep would happen if he was my sandman!! YUMMY man!

Ok, so now going to go surf the net a bit more, maybe play a game or two and hope for sleep. For those who made it through my ramblings, bless you. You are brave! Now I bid you good-night!

Blessings and Hope…

Health · Ramblings · Sarcasm

When you fall, remember to get back up…

Tracy6 Comments

So, yesterday took a bit of a fall. Luckily it was on the way back from the potty or it might have been really bad. [if you get my meaning] 😛 I just kind of tilted a bit with my walker. Knew i was going down so prepared for it. As I landed on my bum I fell back and brushed my head down the entertainment center in our room. Didn’t hit it hard, just kind of slid down it. Did it hurt? Not so much, but my bum is sore! lol And when I fell I kind of tightened my body so a bit sore today. No real tears, but a bit of a giggle thinking I need video of these falls. I would so win America’s funniest home video shows! lol My neck got the worst of it from snapping back. Thank God for muscle relaxants!

The hardest art is getting up. Took me around 15 minutes. I had to crawl to a low spot to get my bum on something to be able to get up and grab my walker. So, here I am crawling while pushing my walker ahead of me. Then, slide on to the bathtub side and find the strength to get up and grab my walker. I am very ‘talkative’ while doing this. Cussing, telling the MS it will not break me. Telling it that I will get up and when I do to look out. My 3 dogs didn’t help the matter as they were worried and all over me as I was doing this. I was thinking I could wait for the kids to get home, then realized it would be about a 4 hour wait. So not sitting on the floor for 4 hours! lol

I finally got back to my bed and promptly fell asleep. The kids got home, made me something to eat and then fell asleep again. Logged on to blog talk radio for She Speaks to Inspire and fell asleep. I could not stay awake for anything. I get a bit scared when I feel like this. Afraid one day I may fall and not be able to get back up. It gets me thinking I should only use my wheel-chariot. But, I cannot do that. I will walk, even if it is only a few feet with a walker until I am no longer able to. Stubborn, yes I am and that is what keeps me going when I want to give up and throw in the towel.

I will never give in, nor will I give up.

Blessings and hope!

Health · PAIN · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Lost…

Tracy3 Comments

I cannot seem to find myself anymore. I feel so lost lately. People think I am all together most days, and most days I try to be. It gets so hard keeping that mask on but most do not want the ‘real’ me. I am sooooo friggen angry and pissed off at this fucking disease. I’m primary progressive and the realization of it just hit me. I am going to get worse. So please do not tell me anymore it could be worse!! It is! I hate feeling like this. I’m not a quitter, not a poor me pour me drink kind of girl. But lately I cannot pull those damn bootstraps back up!

I cannot seem to ‘wake’ up. I am so tired all the time. I get up, get the kids off to school and then lie back down. I want to get up, make jewelry, anything, but I have no energy for it. Just getting in my chair, bringing my computer and my things out to my table is so tiring for me. Man, call me a whaaambulance please! I get so mad when I feel this way. I hate when others whine and hate even more when I do. And here I am doing what I hate. I guess it’s better to write it out here than whine to my family. They have to deal with enough already.

I see all these ‘self help’ articles, books, BS!! They make me crazy. They all say the same damn thing. Be good to yourself, love others, love yourself, blah blah blah… No shit, common sense maybe. Look at your life, change the things that are wrong and work on yourself and your relationships. Find the root of the problem and deal with it head on. What were your dreams? Find them, go do them. WTF!! Not everyone CAN do what they intended. Sometimes life throws youobstacles. That’s when you need to change the dreams you once had. I had dreams, hopes. Now all those dreams and hopes had to change. I look all around for something else to fill those voids. But, being unable to move much hinders those as well. I WANT to work. I hate not being able to. Trying to find a legitimate work-at-home job is almost comical. If I had money up front to pay these jokers, I would not need their stoopid job. Maybe I should write a ‘self help’ book. All it takes is a bunch of BS and a cool cover to sell.

So how does one ‘deal’ and or ‘get over it’? I have heard those lame ass comments more than i can say. “Well you just have to deal with it.” or “You need to learn to get over it”. REALLY!? You get MS or any other chronic condition and you deal with it or get over it. Or, better yet, SHUT UP and do not speak! Easy peasy. Actually I do deal with it, hence my different mask for different occasions. Getting over it is a different story as daily I am reminded by the fact I cannot walk and am so fatigued I cannot get out to my front room in my own home. I am reminded daily when I try to sit up and the pain hits me like a locomotive.

I sit here in a fog, getting hard to even know what to write anymore. I lose my train of thought in a split second. I get a thought but then cannot seem to get it out on ‘paper’ in the same way I am thinking it. My cognitive issues seem to be getting worse, and that is the hardest part for me right now. I am a smart woman and the thought of losing my cognitive abilities scares the shite out of me, even more than incontinence at 45.

So, I just read over this and am shaking my head. Do I publish or do I delete? Do I edit or do i leave as is? Well, I publish and leave as is. These are my feelings right now and this is a way for me to vent them out. So, you ask, how I’m feeling. I’ll tell you, I am not feeling anything…

Blessings and hope!