Category: Ramblings

Ramblings · RANDOM

Monday…

Tracy18 Comments

So, it’s Monday. Here I sit wondering what to do. Hubby at work, kids at school, mommy home.

blah, blah, blah...

Sometimes the hubby will call from work and ask me what I am doing. My response, me being me, is always something a tad sarcastic. Something along the lines of, “Oh, just got back from running a marathon and I’m spent!” I will admit, sometimes it bothers me. I mean really, I can’t drive anywhere or do much, so what does he think I’m doing. 😛 I know he means well, but…

Then there’s the fact I have a great hubby and children. I know this, but when they act like martyrs, it gets to pissing me off. I know they all help me, I know I’m crippled, please do not rub it in my face. I know how much they do with working, school, coming home, shopping, etc., but don’t throw that in my face when you get a stick up your ass’. That’s when I feel crippled. I know you all work hard and sometimes it gets to be too much and you all feel like you cannot get it all done. Let me tell you, it’s the same way I feel about my job, mommy/wife. How do you think I feel that I cannot get much of anything done? Just struggling with the dishes make me exhausted. I HATE not being able to the best mom and wife ever. If I had not gotten sick I would be the best!! My heart breaks every day. When you all make comments under your breath [chicken shit] you make me feel that much more crippled.

I guess I should be glad it’s not a daily occurrence, yet! Hopefully the sticks can be surgically removed and all can get back to normal. My body may be broken, but my mind is not. I’ll only take so much! Trust me, I know I can be hard to handle. I know I have my moments too. But I do not deserve the silent treatment or the petty games.

—————————-

Ah, that felt good to get that out. It’s been burning a hole in my brain for a while now. Hmmmmm, think I’ll go run that marathon now!! 😉

Tracy...
Health · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM

Life…

Tracy28 Comments

This is NOT my life… where is my real life? If you find it, please reply here with the location.

I realized that I have not been out of my home for over 3 weeks. I just have no desire, no oomph to do anything. I know it’s not about the Ampyra as I’ve only been on that 2.5 weeks. It’s been so hot here and heat is no longer my friend. When I say out of my home, I mean that literally. I look outside, but have not even gone outside. I have no desire, or care much right now to do anything.

All my kids are back in school, hubby working, so I’m alone all day. I do not drive, can’t work, and sometimes I really feel like what’s the point. I have no energy, my fatigue is off the charts. [even with the anti-fatigue meds]

And please, please do NOT say, “It could be worse.” or “You’re only given what you can handle!” BULLSHIT! This is my ‘worse’. I need help to get dressed, to shower, sometimes to eat when I can barely hold the utensils. I wear my pj’s most days all day as by the time I get up everyone is gone, and it takes too much energy to get pants on by myself. Luckily, I love my pj’s and have many sets. I guess unless you ‘roll a mile in my chair’ you’ll never understand. The helplessness, the loneliness, the depression that sets in. Maybe it’s a ‘healthy’ thing. Usually it’s the healthy ones that makes the above statements. Their biggest issue is what to wear, having a busy day, what to cook for dinner, ‘oh damn’ have to drive the kids around, etc. etc. etc!! PLEASE!! I know this to be true as I was once there and took soooo much for granted. Like ….. walking for instance.

my legs...

I’m tired of always feeling like I have to be shiny happy all the time. My life SUCKS!!! I know, I know, I have a gr8 husband and kids and family and friends…I get that. But, I have no purpose. Without a purpose what’s left. Feeling useless is the most depressing feeling of all. I have not felt like nor have had the energy to make anything for my shop in weeks. My hands cannot hold the tools very well right now. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!! Who really cares anyways.

EXACTLY!

Blessings and Hope! [still waiting]

Health · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings

Mercury and MS!!

Tracy6 Comments

There is a theory that those of us with MS who have the old mercury fillings in our teeth, should have them removed. But, you do not want to have the mercury fillings taken out and porcelain put in. The reason is that the mercury is encased and if they break it to remove it, then it will get into your system. You need to have the whole tooth/teeth removed and replaced.

not my teeth!! lol

I get this and it kind of makes sense, kind of. I have looked into this and it’s about 50/50. Some notice a difference in how they feel, others have noticed nothing. If I had the thousands of dollars to have this done, sure I’d do it. Even 50/50 is better than nothing. But, again, unless the mercury fillings break, they are doing no harm. I asked a highly respected dentist in Del Mar about this and I trust his word.

Again, I do get it and if I had the dinero, I would do it as we know mercury is NOT good for us!

hmmmm, maybe I’ll change my donate button to “help my teeth!”

xx, Tracy
Anger · Fear · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings

Reality sets in

Tracy14 Comments

When life sets in and slaps ya, it sucks!! My kids go back to school this coming Monday. My son is now going into the 11th grade and my girls are starting HS, 9th grade. Every year we have to get all the paperwork in, proof of residence, registration, pick up books, bus passes, etc. Not being able to drive my poor hubby has to take of work to get all these things done. When the girls registered, they did not have their books in yet, so they had to go back a second time. Then Ashley, being in band camp has a bbq this Friday where parents need to go for all the pricing info for marching band and concert band. Hubbies work is at it’s busiest and it makes it very hard for him to keep taking time off. All of this just lets me know more and more that I am useless and crippled. If I was not ill, I could be doing what the mom is supposed to do. Hubby already has enough on his plate thanks to my illness. As it is, he got Shelby to get her books, but Ashley is just shit-out-of-luck. The band camp bbq is at 5:30 pm. Don’t they know people work? Out where we live people work over an hour away. Commuting baby. I know, it is not their problem, but what about single parents as well? How can they expect parents to be there at these times? 7pm would be much more appropriate for parents.

I know my kids do not mean to make me feel sad, but they get upset when we miss things or have to cancel things. I fully understand. I remember being so jazzed about being the mom of all moms. Sports mom, carpools, etc. My MS has taken all that away from me, worse it has taken me from my family that needs me most. We cannot afford to hire someone to help with these things, so we are on our own. It gets so frustrating for me not being able to do these things for my kids. I HATE being immobile and feeling useless. I’m a worker, not a sitter!!

It is so hard to express how I am feeling right now. Anger, depression, sadness, fear, pain… I try so hard to keep positive, make jokes, be the crazy me. But, this is getting to be too much lately. Sometimes I so wish my hubby would leave me and find someone who can be the wife he deserves and the mom my kids deserve. My heart is breaking right now.

Then to top all of that off, we had to pay 400.00 for bus passes [public school buses]. I figured our taxes should pay for that. Gotta love California and the Terminator. He’s terminating Schools!! Then it is going to cost another 400.00 + for marching and concert band!! WOW!! Just add more salt to my crippled wounds.

Ok, enough depression…I’m off!!

Blessings and Hope!!

Fear · Hope · Ramblings · RANDOM

The Crown Fire Blazes on

Tracy12 Comments

We were allowed back in our home today. Then the next group of homes were evacuated as the fire moves on down the road. Because the brush is low and we have high winds out here the fire is burning quickly. The main concern is protecting the homes in the area. We have had helicopters, various planes, and a DC10 flying overhead since yesterday dropping water and phoschek on the flames.

Status check:
Crown IC (Agua Dulce):
Fire was reported at Thursday July 29, at 2:32pm and it is now at 13,000 acres. Currently we are at 20% containment.

Resources to this fire are the following: 1700 plus Fire Personnel, 6 Copters, 4 Fixed Wing and 1 DC10, 2 Helitankers, 10 Dozers, 3 Water Tenders.

This was how it looked when we got home this morning:

The Day After
The Day After
The Day After ashes fall

I am so thankful that our family is safe, our home is safe and very glad to be back home. Blessings to all going through this ordeal.

I also want to say we have the best firemen/women in the World. They rock!! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do when risking your lives to protect ours. Ya’ll ROCK!!

Blessings and Hope!

—————————

UPDATES:

Evacuation Information
Friday July 30th, 2010: 5:18 a.m. PDT

Palmdale Station is advising the following fire evacuations:

Soledad Canyon
KOA Campground 7601 Soledad Canyon Rd
Robins Nest campground 8237 Soledad canyon Rd
Shambala Wildlife Reserve 6867 Soledad canyon Rd

Leona Valley / West Palmdale
The Ana Verde Community
South of Elizabeth Lake Rd from 90th Street West to 25th Street West.

Evacuation Shelters have been setup at the following locations:

Marie Kerr Park – 2730 West Rancho Vista Blvd, Palmdale
Acton Community Center at 3748 West Nichols Ave, Acton
Agua Dulce Elementary School at 11311 West Frescati St

Residents needing shelter for large animals are asked to go to the Antelope Valley Fair Grounds at 2551 W Avenue H, Lancaster

Road Closures
Friday July 30th, 2010: 12:08 p.m. PDT
Based on ongoing evaluation of the fire and dangerous conditions, Incident Command is ordering a hard road closure in the area of Elizabeth Lake Road from 25th Street West to Bouquet Canyon Rd. Access to Elizabeth Lake Road via Goddie Hill and Bouquet Canyon Rd is also closed.
Access into the area will be restricted to all, including residents. Those residents who have chosen to stay are encouraged to leave.

Access is limited to residents only in the following areas:
Anaverde Community, Rancho Vista, and Shannon Valley.

Family · Fear · Ramblings

Evacuated…

Tracy18 Comments

The Crown Fire has made us leave our home. We were evacuated around 8:45pm.

during the afternoon
evening
leaving home

I so get why people do not want to leave their homes and want to stay and fight. I always called those people morons, now I am one of them. The feelings of ‘will my home be here when we return’ is devastating. We packed up our 3 dogs plus our neighbors dog, our cat, Stewie the bearded dragon, and the 5 of us. We headed over to Courtney’s house. Now there are 10 humans, 10 dogs, 3 cats and one bearded dragon. Talk about a ‘full house’! We have no idea when we can go back to our home. I feel sick to my stomach. The fear is overwhelming. I’m trying to keep positive thoughts and hoping that our home will be ok when we are allowed to return.

yellow evacuation areas

I’m not sure what to say… I’m scared, lost, and worried. At least my family is safe!!!

Blessings and Hope

Ramblings

Too Early…

Tracy4 Comments

It’s now 5:43 am… WTF am I doing up?? Rog gets up for work around 5 am and today so did I. :-O Sleep does not come easy for me. Last night was no exception. I went to bed at 9:30 … by 11pm … no sleep, I relented and took a happy pill.

little, round, pink

I had taken something earlier that did not help one bit, so tried a different medication. I usually wake up every two hours on a normal night, so the little, round, pink pill must have worked. I got 5 1/2 hours of straight sleep. Hallelujah!!

But… now i cannot go back to sleep. This being up before the birds is, well, for the birds!! Most likely I will crash in a couple of hours. So, no phone calls please! 😛

Have a fabulous day peoples!!

Blessings and Hope!