Monday…

Posted: August 16, 2010 in Depression, lonliness, Ramblings, RANDOM
Tags: ,

So, it’s Monday. Here I sit wondering what to do. Hubby at work, kids at school, mommy home.

blah, blah, blah...

Sometimes the hubby will call from work and ask me what I am doing. My response, me being me, is always something a tad sarcastic. Something along the lines of, “Oh, just got back from running a marathon and I’m spent!” I will admit, sometimes it bothers me. I mean really, I can’t drive anywhere or do much, so what does he think I’m doing. 😛 I know he means well, but…

Then there’s the fact I have a great hubby and children. I know this, but when they act like martyrs, it gets to pissing me off. I know they all help me, I know I’m crippled, please do not rub it in my face. I know how much they do with working, school, coming home, shopping, etc., but don’t throw that in my face when you get a stick up your ass’. That’s when I feel crippled. I know you all work hard and sometimes it gets to be too much and you all feel like you cannot get it all done. Let me tell you, it’s the same way I feel about my job, mommy/wife. How do you think I feel that I cannot get much of anything done? Just struggling with the dishes make me exhausted. I HATE not being able to the best mom and wife ever. If I had not gotten sick I would be the best!! My heart breaks every day. When you all make comments under your breath [chicken shit] you make me feel that much more crippled.

I guess I should be glad it’s not a daily occurrence, yet! Hopefully the sticks can be surgically removed and all can get back to normal. My body may be broken, but my mind is not. I’ll only take so much! Trust me, I know I can be hard to handle. I know I have my moments too. But I do not deserve the silent treatment or the petty games.

—————————-

Ah, that felt good to get that out. It’s been burning a hole in my brain for a while now. Hmmmmm, think I’ll go run that marathon now!! 😉

Tracy...

Comments
  1. Tina Sickinger says:

    Run Tracy, run! lol
    I can so relate. I know they have their days, too….but I also know how it is mentally to deal with. I hope this doesn’t sound bad, but at least your disease shows (ie. being in the wheelchair, etc.). Mine doesn’t and they forget so easily and expect more than I can give most times. It’s lose, lose either way, huh?
    Love you girl. xoxo

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      No, it doesn’t sound bad at all. It’s that between a rock and a hard place thing. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I could go on , but you get the idea!! lol

      Love you back!! xoxo

      Like

  2. Vicki Day says:

    When I was laid up and people called and asked what I was up to ……. I used to say I had just got back from robbing the local bank or done a small amount of shoplifting …….or I was busy looking at Fort Knox’s plans as I was working on a big hoist and looking for the team would they be interested in learning how to do back flips to evade some alarms ………..

    I think it’s just sometimes everyone says “what are you doing” and never actually think before they open their mouth

    Like

  3. Kathy says:

    I’ve always told myself (over and over, since I’ve been sick) that flexibility is key. Beating myself up because I can’t do something gets me no where. But I can’t help it, I still beat myself up because I just can’t keep up and I constantly feel guilty.

    The flip side of that is that I feel like I have no purpose…because I’ve been so “flexible” that I don’t even try any more to go volunteer, to go for a walk, to find a part-time job so I can contribute to the family.

    There are people like Katie at http://overflowingbrain.com/ who is in grad school and pushing herself so incredibly hard in spite of a never-ending headache (it’s not just a headache it has something with not having enough pressure in her spinal fluid? but it sounds really painful) and sometimes she can barely keep going…but she has this goal and she is totally committed and when I read her posts I wonder why she is pushing herself so hard? And…I’m jealous. Because I can’t/don’t have that drive and desire. And I still feel guilty, so it’s a no-win situation for me…

    I guess that is just my long-winded way of saying I feel you…and I’m thrilled (I guess in a warped way?) that you are trying your best. Does that sound bad? I mean it in the best way. I look at all the things that you do, like making jewelry and doing The Padded Room and I wish I’d get off my ass and just DO something! You’re stuck in the chariot and I can still walk but you push yourself to do far more…

    Ummm…who are you talking to when you say “When you all make comments under your breath [chicken shit] you make me feel that much more crippled.” who are you saying that to? That makes me hurt for you even more….

    I wish there was something that would help. Do you ever feel the way I do about the flexibility? Or is that just me being warped?

    {{{big gentle hugs!}}}

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      I used to have that drive, but then i would end up in the hospital from over-doing it and have to do the solumedrol. It sicks, but I had/have to learn to deal with my non-purpose. Damn that sounds pathetic!

      I don’t want this to sound bad…but I’m glad you feel me. Not that I’m glad that you are ill, but that someone can relate. 😀

      I’m talking to my hubby when I say that. I know it’s bad, and I know he had no time for himself anymore, but I did not want to get sick. I know he does not mean it when he says some things, he just gets so frustrated. But, then I think, I’m frustrated too.

      The damn illness’ ruin us all…
      xoxoxo

      Like

      • Kathy says:

        Having somebody that “gets it” is huge. My daughter, the one who is having my first grandkid really soon, has been really tired and really sore…she says her “want to is bigger than her can do”. Yes, it just feels good not being the only one. At least for a little while.

        Like

  4. Shady says:

    So much more to being the “best mom and wife” then the chores and errands…but it is easy to lose sight of in the slog of sh*t that needs to be done each day. Hang in there.

    Melissa

    Like

  5. Hey Tracey-face,
    I can’t imagine how you must feel, i have no idea what it’s like. But i know that your family loves you and you love them, and we all get sticks up our asses, i had a trunk up mine last week, and my mom was planning on adding her foot, but at the end of the day, or sometimes week we realize how much we love each other and how this is just the way it is sometimes. you may feel crippled, but for the past month or so you and Ruby have been around more for me then anyone, so you can’t physically do stuff, emotionally you’re Mohamed Ali, you work your funny like hell, and you stay pretty positive, that is a lot.
    love ya!

    Like

  6. Marya1961 says:

    Yes, I agree with you about that stuff, and believe it or not, Bob has had the nerve to say to me every once in a while…”What exactly did YOU do all day?” and not in a very nice tone..after I cleaned the house, did laundry, did outside work, made dinner and about to collapse from the pain…so I finish up my kitchen work and head to my room and ignore everything…then he comes back to earth and realizes how crappy he was….so sometimes it just doesn’t matter how much a wife and mom can do, the real question is how we are treated as a woman..the respect and admiration we deserve for whatever we can contribute…sorry to run my mouth off, the last couple of days has been tough.

    Where is that island retreat that we all can escape to?

    xoxoxo

    Like

  7. R. G. Maines says:

    As ‘wonderful’ as my husband is, he can be incredibly insensitive too… He’ll come home and ask me if I got this or that done and if I didn’t he will tell me “it would be nice if you could get around to that before I get home tonight.”

    He also remembers, better than anything else we talk about, when I say “I’m going to try to get ____ done today” (whatever task needs doing), because he’ll come home and say “I thought you were going to do that?” He doesn’t even realize he’s just reminding me how difficult things are for me, how much I’ve lost in the way of ability to be independent.

    I take numerous guilt trips daily… I really don’t need someone ‘packing my bags’, so to speak.

    ((Hugs)) oxox

    Like

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