Studio FM is not your ordinary shop. The items are funky, eclectic, one-of-a-kind, retro, antique, and the list goes on. Check our her site for the best in up-cycled designs!
Here are some pictures of my beautiful one-of-a-kind pendant necklace.
Thanks Heather, love it and will be back. BTW, get some paper beads for sale for supplies.
click on images to enlarge
Only neck shots as no makeup and bad hair day! lol
Blessings and Hope!
Posted in jewelry, shopping | Tagged jewelry, shop, shopping, studio fm, upcycles | 6 Comments »
This blog is my blog. It is for me to share my life with my friends and my family and anyone who has an interest. It is to tell the stories of a crazy lady living with MS…moi!
When all the crap happened to me at the hospital I used it, MY blog, to reach out to my readers for support through a time that encompassed my world in a not so good way. I never wanted nor asked for your sympathy or pity. That’s not what I want. I needed…NEEDED support and friendship. That is why I shared my experience with you all.
This past year I have progressed more than any year previous, but still found the humor and tried to always add something in my blogs for a giggle. Even in my Hell Hospital blogs I tried to add humor.
During my stay in the big house, I was informed that I have acquired 3 new active lesions on my spine. With all the hospital terror and the issues of late, I put that aside and put it to the back of my mind. I am terrified of what these lesions could mean. No one can really give me a definitive answer. Is this the reason I can no longer use my walker and rely on my wheel-chariot now more than ever? Am I on my way to total paralysis? Again, no one knows. But either way I will deal with it as it comes. My inner spirit is strong.
There may be days I will be down, happens when you have a chronic illness that takes from you every day. But, as I have said before, NEVER confuse my tears or sadness for weakness as you will be wrong. I am strong in mind, heart, and soul. I do make it through the rain EVERY day of my life. I do this with the help of my family and my friends that accept me for who I am and not what they want me to be.
I was told I look for sympathy and feel sorry for me cards [whatever the fuck that meant]. In this case this was one of the ‘the pot totally calling the kettle black’ things. Sympathy and the feel sorry me BS is something I have no time for.
This is a blog about a woman who lives with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. Of course there will be blogs that might be a tad depressing. DUH!!! But, you will always find HOPE in my writings. I end every blog with ‘Blessings and Hope’! Why, because there always is Hope!!
I am only me, and will no longer apologize for that! No one should ever apologize for being who they are.
So, here it is, take me as I am and I will do the same for you. If you feel I have wronged you, talk to me, come to me and I will show you the same courtesy. I am not a liar as I have no reason to lie. I am not a manipulative person, but have found that many have tried to manipulate me. Do not do it again!!
I will now be back to my former sarcastic, a bit crazy, mentoring blogging in hopes that maybe I can help someone in a similar situation. Maybe we can help each other. And btw, I do still make some wicked tasty lemonade from the lemons life has given me.
Thank you for being here and reading me. As new details arise regarding the hell hospital situation, I will update. [if you do not want to read em, then move the fuck on] 
And, as always…
Blessings and Hope!!
Posted in Craziness, HELL, Hospital, RANDOM, Ramblings, family, friendship, health, hope, mindless-thoughts, multiple sclerosis, sarcasm, strength | Tagged courage, inner spirit, lemonade from lemons | 17 Comments »
WARNING!!!! “F” bomb alert!!
So for many years I hid my pain in jokes, sarcasm and laughter. It was easier for me and less upsetting for those around me. So many people told me, “Be Real” “Tell the truth about your pain” “Ask for help”…
So, in the past year or so I tried this route only to have it thrown back in my face. Now, when I show my pain, being real, I’m told it’s for sympathy, poor me shit. REALLY! Fuck off please. I have never asked for anyone’s pity, sympathy or the poor me pour me a drink bullshit! Yet for years I listened to others pain and tried to help in any way I could. Now I’m the bad person. Again I say Fuck off please.
Then I got the, I’ll show people the real you, I’ll copy and paste emails. Really, go ahead doctor up your emails. you are the only one that will look like a childish buffoon. As for the ‘people’ who talk the shit and tell the lies…come forward, say it to me. But no, you just block me as you know damn well I will say it to your face, no need to lie or go behind any ones back. That’s all of your jobs. And for those who talked all the shit to this person, de-friend me, block, stay the fuck away from me. You are liars and pathetic. So, you all deserve one another. And if it’s who I think it all is, stop emailing me as well with your BS about this said person. Just leave me the fuck alone. Get rid of my email, my phone numbers etc., oh and grow the FUCK up! You all know who you are and you all know the ‘real’ truth.
I truly hate being this person, this angry person. And after this, hopefully these 2 faced ignorant assholes will back the fuck off and move on. I have not changed and am the same person I have always been. Love me or leave me. Ask me a question and I will tell you the truth.
I am sorry for those reading this and seeing me being this angry person, but I am so tired of being certain people’s punching bag. I have enough of my own problems, health and otherwise, so it is time this was said. I will not allow any of you to hurt me and cause me to become ill due to all the stress. And if you feel the need to comment here again, it won’t come through. If any of ya feel the need to email me, it won’t be read. So don’t waste your time or energy. Just FUCK off please.
I know the person I am and the friend I am, maybe you should look in the mirror and figure out who you are. Remember each time you point your little finger at me there are 3 pointing back at you.
I pray for you and hope that one day you will find the happiness and peace you need. I have my peace and my happiness in my family and my real friends. So really there is no need for you or room for you anymore.
When it all falls apart…I won’t be here next time. Once bitten, twice shy!!
And now I am done and will be back to my REAL self free from the toxic people that have no place in my world!
****************
Blessings and Hope!!
Damn it feels good to purge!!!
Posted in HELL, Pain, SoapBox, anger, sadness | Tagged friendship, anger, ignorance, assholes, fuck off, grow up | 28 Comments »
Random post of my Lucy collection:
I Love Lucy Mattel Dolls [new one arriving soon], lap tray, wall tins, coffee mug, and a checkers game [behind the dolls]
I have all the Mattel Dolls minus the Ethel Santa!!! Someday…lol
Blessings and Hope!
Posted in RANDOM, Ramblings, shopping | Tagged coffee mug, I love Lucy, lap tray, mattel dolls | 10 Comments »
So, last weekend I went to Wally World. Got all ready, put on clothes, took a Valium and we went shopping. After a bit, the fear set in. I felt like everyone was looking at me, I was getting warm, heart beating fast, not so much fun. So, it was, “We have to go and go now!!!” Didn’t get all I had gone for, but got most of the necessities. Then my guilt set in as we still needed to go to Sam’s Club. Once we got back into the van I told Rog to get me a coffee, and I’d take another Valium and veg in the van so he could shop in Sam’s. I did not feel right making him take me all the way home and then have to go back again in the pouring rain. We got my coffee, I took my pill, and sat back in my recliner wheel-chariot listening and watching the rain. I got a lil agitated so called my Laurie girl. She has a very calming affect on me. I think it’s her cute Texas twang! lol
Today though, not feeling like leaving my home. I was going to go get all ready, but then an not so good twinge came over me. So, Rog just went to Sam’s and here I am being a huge baby. I feel so weak right now, and I am not weak at all. So it’s a strange feeling/emotion for me.
My birthday, yesterday, was nice and quiet. Just he way I like it. I am now 45/1. lol All the birthday wishes I received really made my day. I have some amazing people in my life, and am very blessed by that.
It makes you reflect on friends present, past, and lost. I lost a friend due to lies, manipulation, whatever you want to call it this past week. I miss her and will always miss her, but once bitten, twice shy. [second time being thrown away by her from listening to others lies] The last time my heart broke for days, I cried all the time. This time I will not do that again. I reached out to her by email, but no reply. She will always be in my heart and I hope she never has to feel the pain she has caused me. But, knowing those I think she is listening to, she will. Ce la Vie! I wish her all the happiness in the world and the love she deserves!
losing friends is hard
As for me…I am going to set my mind on getting some new things on my site. There will be a new section for ‘recycles’. Things I find and no longer need or use that others might. Prices will be good, so I am hoping someone can use these items.
I also would like to plug my friend Heather’s site, Studio FM , if you are looking for amazing one-of-a-kind jewelry, look no further. You will glad you stopped in. I’m not only a fan, but a buyer as well!!
Hoping you all have a fabulous weekend!!
Blessings and Hope!
Posted in Pain, RANDOM, SHE SPEAKS TO INSPIRE, friendship, hope, mindless-thoughts, sadness, shopping | Tagged hodge-podge, jewelry, liars, plug, sadness, studio fm, throw away friends | 8 Comments »
It’s my 46th Birthday! Da da da da da da…you say it’s your birthday! Just another day. I’m actually 45 with 1 year experience and so on. Woo friggen hoo!
Woo hoo
So, I had called the lady who wrote the letter and she had a different person call me on Monday. She said as soon as I get all the bills I am supposed to pay to contact her and she will get me with the people who can take care of that. hmmmmm We shall see. Attorneys are still in the mix for me.
As for my birthday, it’s just another day. A cake would be nice, like a red velvet one, but hubby has so much to do I will not add that to his full plate. Shelby made me eggs, toast and bacon for breakfast before she left for school. She is an amazing cook at 13. That was a nice birthday morning. My other 2, Austin and Ashley, gave me wonderful birthday wishes. So it was very nice.
I’m getting birthday wishes all over the place and I appreciate them more than anyone knows. So thanks to all. [you know who you are]
Hoping you all have a fabulous day!
Blessings and Hope!
Posted in Celebration, hope, love | Tagged attorney, birthday, cake, lawyer | 12 Comments »
I have been hoping that the hell hospital would actually care about how I was treated there. Not so much!! Yesterday I received a letter from their Director of patient and guest relations. A basic, “We are sorry we did not meet your expectations, the nurse has been spoken to, and in the future we hope to meet your expectations.
click on letter to enlarge
I never even spoke to this person and she didn’t seem to feel the need to contact me personally. I have not slept a full night since my time there. I cannot leave my home. I can barely exit my room. I have been living in my pj’s and sleep most days since my nights are full of bad dreams. Here is the new one from last night:
*****************
As she awakens she feels pain, her arms sensitive to the touch. She looks down and sees small blood ’spots’ from all the IV’s that did not work. Please no more. They laugh at her from the end of her bed. Their laughter is deafening and she wants to escape. Her wheelchair is no where to be seen. She drops to the floor and tries to crawl away from them. She feels hands all over her body, pinching, blood, laughter. Their faces are hidden by shadows, she closes her eyes so not to see. Wake up she tells herself, wake up, it’s just a dream, they cannot hurt you anymore. But like monsters under your bed, they will never leave. She opens her eyes, they are gone, she falls into the darkness…
March 5, 2010
*****************
That one woke me up around 2 am. Falling back to sleep was impossible. I feel so lost.
All I asked was that they find a way for people having these types of procedures to be allowed a private area for the cleansing process. To re-train nurses for IV insertions. To take care of my part of the bill for my hellish stay. [which is not going to break their bank] Not to charge my insurance for the 1st colonoscopy that they knew would not take and the IV insertion that was not even in my vein. I was told that someone would get back to me and my concerns would be taken to the proper sources. This was on February 22, 2010. Yesterday, I assume, was my answer. A generic, Sorry.
I have left message for two Attorneys thus far. I did not want to have go here, but they leave me no choice. I guess they figure people will give up as they do not have the time, the energy, or the support. Well, I have the time, energy [maybe not], support, all kinds.
Blessings and Hope!
Posted in Depression, Fear, HELL, Hospital, Nurses, dehumanization, dreams, healthcare, multiple sclerosis, nightmares, strength | Tagged antelope valley hospital, attorney, HELL, IV's, Pain | 8 Comments »
As I read through my Hell hospital blogs I get the chills. For some reason the thoughts, the memories will not leave my mind. I can see it all as if I am still there. Humiliation, fear, and so many more emotions. My mind goes 1000 miles a minute at bedtime and my sleep is not going so well. I know time will help to erase some of it, but how much time?
I actually, for the first time in over 3 weeks, did my hair and dressed in clothes. [real clothes, not pj's] I was going to leave my house and go to the store for the first time since the hospital horrors. Didn’t happen. As the time drew near to go I had a panic attack. The thought of being away from my ’safe haven’, near my tinkletorium, made me physically ill. Xanax didn’t even help. [ya know you're in trouble when Xanax doesn't work!] 
Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy
Still waiting for some kind of call back from the HH. Talked to them on February 22, and still waiting. How long is it going to take for them to let me know what they are going to do about this?
Is it time for the Attorney? Many are telling me, YES! Is that the only way to get them to listen, to provide quality care for their patients? Now I have some thinking to do on the matter. So, now we wait…
Blessings and Hope!
Posted in Depression, Fear, HELL, Hospital, dreams, multiple sclerosis, nightmares | Tagged attorney, care for patients, safe haven, xanax | 13 Comments »
This is an amazing song and is so my life right now!
An amazing group!!
Bring Me To Life lyrics
Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben;
How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can’t wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)
Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can’t wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I’ve become)
Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can’t wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)
Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can’t wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I’ve become)
I’ve been living a lie
There’s nothing inside
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All this time, I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
Wake me up
(Wake me up inside)
I can’t wake up
(Wake me up inside)
Save me
(Call my name and save me from the dark)
Wake me up
(Bid my blood to run)
I can’t wake up
(Before I come undone)
Save me
(Save me from the nothing I’ve become)
I’ve been living a lie
There’s nothing inside
Bring me to life
Posted in music | Tagged evanescence | 2 Comments »
When I got offline today [9am] to watch a movie and rest, I had no idea I would sleep until 10 minutes ago [7:35pm]. And, I am ready to go back to sleep in a few minutes. The World passed me by today…
I guess maybe I need/needed it and will probably do it again tomorrow. My day of the walker use is back to the chariot. Legs will not cooperate. I feel it is the complete and total stress from dealing with and waiting to see what hell hospital is going to do, and not getting much sleep from all the nightmares. I will blog all about it when they let me know!
I look at it this way, I can catch up on movies I’ve missed, cuddle with my fur babies and make-up for the sleep the nightmares have been awaking me from. Good times!!
Nigh nite!
Blessings and Hope!
Posted in HELL, Hospital, Ramblings, dreams, healthcare, mindless-thoughts, nightmares, sleep | Tagged so tired, stress | 5 Comments »
When the world say, “Give up.” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time!”
 | Tracy on Studio FM |
 | Frannie1964 on Studio FM |
| Tracy on Making it Through the Rai… |
| Tracy on Studio FM |
| Tracy on Studio FM |
