Powerful
Tag: Sadness
Ain’t it nifty Tracy’s 50!
On March 12th, I turned 50. I told myself that on this day I would be able to stand up again or at least be able transfer to my wheelchair. Well, didn’t happen.
I’m sitting here, on my bed, listening to my baby Gatsby cry. When everyone left the house, they left him in the from of the house. I can’t do anything to get him in here. It’s killing me that I am not able to get out of my bed. I’m so pissed off right now!!!! Frustration Central here!!!
This was’t supposed to be my life! And for those who might say that life’s not fair… Fuck You! I know this first hand. The funny thing is that the people who usually say that, have no health issues or anything else for that matter! I think I’m allowed to be be pissed!! Since my fall five months ago, I’ve been bed-ridden, unable to get get up w/o using the 900.00 lift I had to buy, and utterly alone.
I do put on a ‘happy’ face most days, or at least I try to. This is why I have not blogged for some time. Even when I’m angry and depressed I usually add a dash of humor or attempt to be funny. I make fun of my illness to get through… but ya know, it’s NOT funny, there is no humor in this. I’ve been fighting since 1986 according to the MS specialists at UCLA. I’m fucking tired. I’m trapped in a body I hate, ummm, scratch that… I’m trapped in a prison that is my body. Try spending 24/7 in bed, relying on, begging people around you for help. No privacy, no independence, feeling like a burden, in constant pain. [knees, back, chest, shoulders, neck, etc.] Thankfully not usually at the same time.
Next month I go back to an MS specialist to get on a new poison err medication to try and help me get a lil something back. Those who know about this wonder why I’m not excited. Why? Well the last 4 MS meds actually helped and I got excited… but the excitement faded when the side effects were killing my liver so I had to stop. The more excited I get, the bigger the fall. So, excuse me for erring on the side of caution. I’m tired…
I truly wish I had something funny to end with, but it’s just not in me right now. Think I’ll take something to help me feel no pain so I can get through the shit that is my life. Call me the pity party Queen if you will. Frankly I don’t give a shit. Hmmm maybe I’ll go buy some shoes I won’t wear anytime soon…
BTW… being 50 sucks!!!
Depression and money!
I’m finding out that depression for me causes over-spending. Now this would be okay if I had an endless supply of funds. Some turn to food, I turn to online shopping… okay food sometimes! 😉
I’m sure many know the feeling. Being homebound with the internet shopping world at my fingertips makes it so hard to ‘just say no!’ Now, I rarely pay for shipping and always get discounts, but it all adds up. I love jewelry and that’s the one thing I can wear all the time, in bed or not. Candles and perfumes are my downfall as well. Clothes for the kids and fun stuff for hubby… the list goes on and on and on.
Depression is a bitch and it comes with many ‘costs’.
I know where my depression comes from, but it’s something i cannot find help for. I get depressed for the obvious reason, my MS, but there is an even bigger depressant I won’t go in to. I’m searching for help with it as I feel my doctors have dropped the ball.
I’m one of the poster children for the saying, “Life sucks and then you die”!
Peace out
Tired…
I’m tired of the pain, tired of not being able to walk, tired of the fatigue, tired of the shakes, tired of the incontinence, tired of living…
‘We reap what we sow’. That is such a bullshit statement. If this were true, I would not be crippled. My girls Ruby and Tina would not be ill. If this were true, rapists, murderers, child molesters, animal abusers would actually be punished for their crimes. They would not be out on parole picking their next victims…
I constantly wonder what I EVER did to deserve this disease. If you believe in ‘The Secret’, I intended it. Well I’ve got a secret for you, ‘The Secret’ is bullshit! I think I’ll write a book on some ‘new’ form of religion. It seems anyone can and people actually follow it… like sheep!
I know this blog is quite random, but my mind is quite random right now. I cannot concentrate on any one thing or keep a thought going for too long. My hands keep shaking and I keep having to go back and fix my typing.
I keep hearing about quality of life. It’s the quality that matters. I have no quality of life. I am imprisoned in my home. Trapped like a caged animal. In my mind I am still able-bodied, able to walk and live my life. In reality, I’m crippled and trapped.
I do not like leaving my home. I feel safest here. My depression is paralyzing on it’s own. I feel lost and I’m terrified. I go to bed each night wondering if tomorrow is the day I wake up and nothing moves. My hands and feet have been numb for days. I can barely transfer on my own to my chair from my bed right now. Where is the quality? I don’t want the quantity…
Why am I here? And, NO, there is NOT a reason for everything!! There is no reason for my MS or the ways it has affected my family! Hope is fading…
Priceless
Accessible Van – 31,000.00
Power Chair – 4600.00
Bed Table – 79.99
Feeling ‘like a burden’…..Priceless
Randomosity!!
So, last weekend I went to Wally World. Got all ready, put on clothes, took a Valium and we went shopping. After a bit, the fear set in. I felt like everyone was looking at me, I was getting warm, heart beating fast, not so much fun. So, it was, “We have to go and go now!!!” Didn’t get all I had gone for, but got most of the necessities. Then my guilt set in as we still needed to go to Sam’s Club. Once we got back into the van I told Rog to get me a coffee, and I’d take another Valium and veg in the van so he could shop in Sam’s. I did not feel right making him take me all the way home and then have to go back again in the pouring rain. We got my coffee, I took my pill, and sat back in my recliner wheel-chariot listening and watching the rain. I got a lil agitated so called my Laurie girl. She has a very calming affect on me. I think it’s her cute Texas twang! lol
Today though, not feeling like leaving my home. I was going to go get all ready, but then an not so good twinge came over me. So, Rog just went to Sam’s and here I am being a huge baby. I feel so weak right now, and I am not weak at all. So it’s a strange feeling/emotion for me.
My birthday, yesterday, was nice and quiet. Just he way I like it. I am now 45/1. lol All the birthday wishes I received really made my day. I have some amazing people in my life, and am very blessed by that.
It makes you reflect on friends present, past, and lost. I lost a friend due to lies, manipulation, whatever you want to call it this past week. I miss her and will always miss her, but once bitten, twice shy. [second time being thrown away by her from listening to others lies] The last time my heart broke for days, I cried all the time. This time I will not do that again. I reached out to her by email, but no reply. She will always be in my heart and I hope she never has to feel the pain she has caused me. But, knowing those I think she is listening to, she will. Ce la Vie! I wish her all the happiness in the world and the love she deserves!
As for me…I am going to set my mind on getting some new things on my site. There will be a new section for ‘recycles’. Things I find and no longer need or use that others might. Prices will be good, so I am hoping someone can use these items.
I also would like to plug my friend Heather’s site, Studio FM , if you are looking for amazing one-of-a-kind jewelry, look no further. You will glad you stopped in. I’m not only a fan, but a buyer as well!!
Hoping you all have a fabulous weekend!!
Blessings and Hope!
Beaten not broken…
A quick quip:
Never mistake my tears for weakness!
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Blessings and Hope!
My quote, my new motto…
So last night while creating my [medication induced] blog my mind went blank. As I was trying to find a ‘witty’ way of ending, I put down that I lost my train of thought. I looked at it a few times and and BAM… a thought hit and fit me perfectly. Hence the birth of:
Yes, yes I had to make a mini banner!! lol
Now, I am not sure if it has been said before or not, but for now, it is mine…all mine! 😛 I had friends telling me that it gave them a laugh and they loved it. It makes me very happy when I can turn a [sometimes] bleak blog into something that makes people smile. That’s how I roll! I try to always leave readers with a smile even when my blogs may get a tad depressing. My favorite emotion is laughter through tears, and joy from sadness, why I find a way of ending on a ‘happy’, even sarcastic note.
Out for now [at least a couple of hours]. As always:
Blessings and Hope…
Sleepless in California…
The hubby is ‘softly’ snoring, kids talking as quiet as kids can, and I cannot sleep. So I am here to ramble…
Do you ever feel like something is missing, or you forgot to do something important? I HATE that feeling! I am not one to forget things, and yet lately I forget everything. My MS is messing with my cognitive skills, and that pisses me off more than losing the use of my legs. Shit, even more than incontinence issues. I actually forgot to pay two bills in the past months. That is so not me. Thankfully we are never late and I got out of late fess. Get this, I even have reminders…and i still forgot. It’s the damn ‘some-timers’; sometimes I remember, sometimes I don’t! 😛 So, if anyone out there knows what I am forgetting to do, please let me know. rofl
This blog may be out of sorts, as I have no clue about anything. My girl Ruby made it through her 11 hour back surgery with flying colors, so no more worries there. Christmas is over and it was good, but YAY it’s over, so all good there. A woman needing help, got help thanks to Laurie and her call to arms at Facebook. So that is really good.
I am feeling sad about my good friend Lu’s father, passing away. I so wish there was something I could do to help her through this time. Lu. if you are reading, know you are in my thoughts and blessings and if you need me, I’m here! I cannot imagine her pain. That is the problem with having friends so far away, I cannot get over to her home and give her a hug. Love ya Lu!
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I have so many thoughts going on in my lil head and cannot sort them out. ARRGGHH I get so frustrated when this happens. There is no sleep in sight and deciphering my crazy thoughts. I start thinking about new designs for a bracelet, then POOF my mind goes to how can I get out and start doing some photography, then POOF thinking about a blog I want to write on finding my center. I try to concentrate on one, but then something catches my eye and I’m off to another dimension of space and time! lol
I have lil chicken scratches of things I think of and want to accomplish someday. I want a concert ukulele, but then I would like to try a zither or harp. I have heard the vibrations of musical instruments on the body help to center some, find a sense of peace, if you will. I re-tried to play guitar, but my hands were not strong enough to hold down the strings. We have a piano, which I mess around with, but it’s a lil big to have in my bed on bad days! So, I am looking for something small enough to keep with me. I need music in my life…
I figured by now I would be getting tired…NOPE. Just more goofy. Maybe it’s my meds. Ya that’s it, it’s my meds.
Hubby is no longer ‘softly’ snoring. Now he is buzz sawing it. It’s like razor blades being slid through my brain.
I just ordered a snoring mouthpiece thingy for him. I so hope it works or he will be back in sofa city soon. I see visions of me, a wrought iron skillet in hand, and his head. I am thinking ear plugs before that vision becomes reality!! I can still hear him even when he is in sofa city, even when I have my ipod on. The house shakes. I’m thinking it’s it the big one [cali, earthquakes], but no it’s just him…snoring! I have some earplugs from when I had my last MRI. They kind of rock. Better than the ones in the store. But they suck to sleep in. So, pray for the hubby that the mouthpiece works, or no more cal king bed for him!! mwaaaahhhhhhhh
OMG, so hubby is snoring. Not too loud now as the plugs are in, but now one of the 3 dogs just popped a HUGE bean and it stinks!! Holy man…where is the spray? rofl This is so life in my world. I love it! Loud and smelly and I would not change a thing. [maybe get some nose plugs too]
I need Mr. Sandman please. Hope he’s cute, maybe Gerard Butler cute. Maybe not, as no sleep would happen if he was my sandman!! YUMMY man!
Ok, so now going to go surf the net a bit more, maybe play a game or two and hope for sleep. For those who made it through my ramblings, bless you. You are brave! Now I bid you good-night!
Blessings and Hope…
Lost…
I cannot seem to find myself anymore. I feel so lost lately. People think I am all together most days, and most days I try to be. It gets so hard keeping that mask on but most do not want the ‘real’ me. I am sooooo friggen angry and pissed off at this fucking disease. I’m primary progressive and the realization of it just hit me. I am going to get worse. So please do not tell me anymore it could be worse!! It is! I hate feeling like this. I’m not a quitter, not a poor me pour me drink kind of girl. But lately I cannot pull those damn bootstraps back up!
I cannot seem to ‘wake’ up. I am so tired all the time. I get up, get the kids off to school and then lie back down. I want to get up, make jewelry, anything, but I have no energy for it. Just getting in my chair, bringing my computer and my things out to my table is so tiring for me. Man, call me a whaaambulance please! I get so mad when I feel this way. I hate when others whine and hate even more when I do. And here I am doing what I hate. I guess it’s better to write it out here than whine to my family. They have to deal with enough already.
I see all these ‘self help’ articles, books, BS!! They make me crazy. They all say the same damn thing. Be good to yourself, love others, love yourself, blah blah blah… No shit, common sense maybe. Look at your life, change the things that are wrong and work on yourself and your relationships. Find the root of the problem and deal with it head on. What were your dreams? Find them, go do them. WTF!! Not everyone CAN do what they intended. Sometimes life throws youobstacles. That’s when you need to change the dreams you once had. I had dreams, hopes. Now all those dreams and hopes had to change. I look all around for something else to fill those voids. But, being unable to move much hinders those as well. I WANT to work. I hate not being able to. Trying to find a legitimate work-at-home job is almost comical. If I had money up front to pay these jokers, I would not need their stoopid job. Maybe I should write a ‘self help’ book. All it takes is a bunch of BS and a cool cover to sell.
So how does one ‘deal’ and or ‘get over it’? I have heard those lame ass comments more than i can say. “Well you just have to deal with it.” or “You need to learn to get over it”. REALLY!? You get MS or any other chronic condition and you deal with it or get over it. Or, better yet, SHUT UP and do not speak! Easy peasy. Actually I do deal with it, hence my different mask for different occasions. Getting over it is a different story as daily I am reminded by the fact I cannot walk and am so fatigued I cannot get out to my front room in my own home. I am reminded daily when I try to sit up and the pain hits me like a locomotive.
I sit here in a fog, getting hard to even know what to write anymore. I lose my train of thought in a split second. I get a thought but then cannot seem to get it out on ‘paper’ in the same way I am thinking it. My cognitive issues seem to be getting worse, and that is the hardest part for me right now. I am a smart woman and the thought of losing my cognitive abilities scares the shite out of me, even more than incontinence at 45.
So, I just read over this and am shaking my head. Do I publish or do I delete? Do I edit or do i leave as is? Well, I publish and leave as is. These are my feelings right now and this is a way for me to vent them out. So, you ask, how I’m feeling. I’ll tell you, I am not feeling anything…
Blessings and hope!
Making it Through the Rain 