Tag: illness

Fear · HELL · Loss · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Sadness · Strength

Hope can be paralyzing…

TracyLeave a comment

My favorite quote was once:

When do we finally say enough?

I’ve been trying for six years to get out of this bed. I thought I had a chance in 2018 and as you’ve heard, Independence Blue Cross took that away from me. I have to let go of hope because it has broken me. It has, paralyzed me. I was taken right up to the edge of hope and slowly watched it all fade away time and time again. How much longer do I lie in this bed? How many more nights do I cry because of the pain in my legs? It’s a torment I can’t break away from. It’s a nightmare that I can’t awaken from. I just really want to get off this ride because I don’t really like it anymore.

Then I see these quotes ^^ and think, I get it but for some of us our present situation is our whole life. There is no best yet to come without help, and I can’t get that help. I get it, I have breath, but breath is not life. It’s an existence that I’m tired of living. I am a literal, head in a bed. I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m so so very tired…

Have courage and be kind.

Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Politics · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

Independence Blue Cross, I haven’t forgotten…

TracyLeave a comment

With everything going on right now I think they feel like I might’ve forgotten all about them… But nope!! If anything I’m thinking about it more. I’m still waiting to find out if they’re going to pay for the medical transport that they told me I was covered for. But wait a minute, then they told me I’m not covered for it. 🤔 I just hope they understand that they better get my money back to me at the “In”network rate. I’m still waiting for my check. The last I was told is he was going to check into it for me on march 20th. Now all I’m getting are crickets. I get it you’re probably denying a bunch of people for coronavirus testing and respiratory help. Seriously, you know you are! Just get on it, and give me back my fucking money! And be prepared, because at some point you will be giving me my rehab! I have not forgotten. 😏

Sharing this picture again so that more people start to really understand what’s happening in our country with our healthcare system.

Please everyone, stay indoors and be safe! 🖤

Have courage and be kind. 

Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Strength

MS Awareness Month day 29

Tracy2 Comments

I know that living in the past or thinking about the past is something that we should not resign ourselves to do, but I really do miss who I was before. I was someone who loved working. Grocery shopping, in my book, was one of the best things to do. I know, I’ve never said I wasn’t a little strange. But, laundry is what I really miss doing. And no, I’m totally serious about this. I think it’s all about the fresh smells, the warm clothes right out of the dryer, and even the act of folding things was fun for me. The weird thing is before I never thought about any of these things. I never realized why I did not mind doing these things. So I guess MS has taught me to look at things in a different light, a different perspective. Out of all these things I miss, driving is definitely the one that kicked me down the hardest. Driving was an escape, freedom, something I loved doing. When I lost that privilege, I was broken for quite some time. I could say that I will never drive again because at this point it’s probably true. Instead though, I can keep wishing and hoping that one day I may drive again. Yes, again I’m pretty sure I’ll never drive again, but it’s always so lovely to dream. 🖤

So as I wrote the above I kept thinking to myself, what I really miss is being able to do ‘anything’. We’ve been trying daily for a shower and it still has not worked. I did have a really good bed bath though, so I do get clean. 😇 We are starting slowly with my husband rolling me over on my side for 20 minutes to a half hour. It really fucking hurts, but each time it seems to be getting a little easier so maybe one day it won’t hurt at all. When I talk about what we’re doing my mind starts taking me to that bad place inside that discourages me. The feeling that it’s never gonna happen no matter how slowly we go. I’m thankful that I’m feeling it and acknowledging it straight away, but it’s still scary for me. You see, in my mind, when I see myself I’m not trapped in this bed. I see myself rolling over and sitting up and walking. It’s almost like a dream, but that’s what I see in my mind, my heart. I’m going to keep dreaming and maybe one day it won’t just be a dream.

Have courage and be kind.