Tag: ignorance

Anger · HELL · PAIN

Wanting me to be real…

Tracy28 Comments

WARNING!!!! “F” bomb alert!!

So for many years I hid my pain in jokes, sarcasm and laughter. It was easier for me and less upsetting for those around me. So many people told me, “Be Real” “Tell the truth about your pain” “Ask for help”…

So, in the past year or so I tried this route only to have it thrown back in my face. Now, when I show my pain, being real, I’m told it’s for sympathy, poor me shit. REALLY! Fuck off please. I have never asked for anyone’s pity, sympathy or the poor me pour me a drink bullshit! Yet for years I listened to others pain and tried to help in any way I could. Now I’m the bad person. Again I say Fuck off please.

Then I got the, I’ll show people the real you, I’ll copy and paste emails. Really, go ahead doctor up your emails. you are the only one that will look like a childish buffoon. As for the ‘people’ who talk the shit and tell the lies…come forward, say it to me. But no, you just block me as you know damn well I will say it to your face, no need to lie or go behind any ones back. That’s all of your jobs. And for those who talked all the shit to this person, de-friend me, block, stay the fuck away from me. You are liars and pathetic. So, you all deserve one another. And if it’s who I think it all is, stop emailing me as well with your BS about this said person. Just leave me the fuck alone. Get rid of my email, my phone numbers etc., oh and grow the FUCK up! You all know who you are and you all know the ‘real’ truth.

I truly hate being this person, this angry person. And after this, hopefully these 2 faced ignorant assholes will back the fuck off and move on. I have not changed and am the same person I have always been. Love me or leave me. Ask me a question and I will tell you the truth.

I am sorry for those reading this and seeing me being this angry person, but I am so tired of being certain people’s punching bag. I have enough of my own problems, health and otherwise, so it is time this was said. I will not allow any of you to hurt me and cause me to become ill due to all the stress. And if you feel the need to comment here again, it won’t come through. If any of ya feel the need to email me, it won’t be read. So don’t waste your time or energy. Just FUCK off please.

I know the person I am and the friend I am, maybe you should look in the mirror and figure out who you are. Remember each time you point your little finger at me there are 3 pointing back at you.

I pray for you and hope that one day you will find the happiness and peace you need. I have my peace and my happiness in my family and my real friends. So really there is no need for you or room for you anymore.

When it all falls apart…I won’t be here next time. Once bitten, twice shy!!

And now I am done and will be back to my REAL self free from the toxic people that have no place in my world!

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Blessings and Hope!!

Damn it feels good to purge!!!

PAIN · Ramblings

You want real…

Tracy14 Comments

I’m pissy, bitchy, and full of negative energy today. Everything and everyone is irritating me in some way. Some, it is all them. Some , it is all me. I have no patience at all today for ignorance or even the tiniest bit of ‘stupidity’! I have so much to do it seems, but can never find the time or the energy to get it all done. I was always a ‘if it can be done then do it now’ kind of girl. So, now not being able to just do it anymore highly irritates me. I look at those around me and wonder why they cannot just get up and get it done. If I was well, I would. So, why the hell don’t they??

I look at my house and cry. It is not my house!! My house would be clean, all the time. Dusted, vacuumed etc. Now, it is not that way. It’s tidy, but not spit spot clean like I always did it. My yard is awful, grass dead and not many flowers or nice landscape. If I was well it would be amazing like it was at my old house before I got sick. My kids do more than most kids and my hubby is always doing something. But, I still get so angry that they cannot just do the things that need to get done. The things that look like crap around my home. I know that it is my issue, my problem if you will. I am pissed off and mad at myself for not being able to do the things myself. Sadly, I project it on to those around me. I know it is wrong to do so, but it hurts too damn much to know it is my fault it is not getting done. The fucking disease that has taken me from me and from my family and is continuing to take. The greedy MonSter that wants my soul.

Every day it steals more of my life from me. DON’T tell me it could be worse!! It is going to get worse. It’s progressive and I am sick to death of people saying such an asinine thing to someone with a chronic [any] chronic disease. Until you walk, err roll a mile in my chair then please just shut up!!! This is ‘my’ worse. When you make such a hurtful statement like that to someone you downplay their pain. If you have a cold, allergies etc then yes, quit whining as it could be worse and your problem is going to go away. Chronic illness’ do not go away. And most times they progress for the person. So, until you have a clue of what you speak…do not speak!!

This has been eating me up for so many years. I had someone tell me once that it was all in my head. [a relative, not on my side] For once, she was right, well sort of. It is actually on the nerves on my brain and spine, but some are in my ‘head’. If I was the type to put my family on egg shells, I probably would have punched her in the mouth. But, you can’t help ignorance I guess. So I just kind of laughed and looked away. It took all my energy not to scream!

Every day I feel bad. Every day I have fatigue. Every day I have anxiety. Every day I get weaker. Every day I cannot walk. Every day I have pain. Every day I cry. Then…I get up, I put on my mask for those around me, I smile through my pain, I laugh at my shakes, I make jokes about my incontinence, I lend an ear to anyone who needs, I am strong for my kids, I tell my husband I’m ok. Then when the night-time comes, I sit in the silence, the only light from my bff, my Mac. I cry in silence for what has been lost, I cry in silence for the wife and mommy that has slowly been taken from my family, I cry for what is yet to come…I cry.

Blessings and Hope