You want real…

Posted: November 14, 2009 in Pain, Ramblings
Tags: , , , , ,

I’m pissy, bitchy, and full of negative energy today. Everything and everyone is irritating me in some way. Some, it is all them. Some , it is all me. I have no patience at all today for ignorance or even the tiniest bit of ‘stupidity’! I have so much to do it seems, but can never find the time or the energy to get it all done. I was always a ‘if it can be done then do it now’ kind of girl. So, now not being able to just do it anymore highly irritates me. I look at those around me and wonder why they cannot just get up and get it done. If I was well, I would. So, why the hell don’t they??

I look at my house and cry. It is not my house!! My house would be clean, all the time. Dusted, vacuumed etc. Now, it is not that way. It’s tidy, but not spit spot clean like I always did it. My yard is awful, grass dead and not many flowers or nice landscape. If I was well it would be amazing like it was at my old house before I got sick. My kids do more than most kids and my hubby is always doing something. But, I still get so angry that they cannot just do the things that need to get done. The things that look like crap around my home. I know that it is my issue, my problem if you will. I am pissed off and mad at myself for not being able to do the things myself. Sadly, I project it on to those around me. I know it is wrong to do so, but it hurts too damn much to know it is my fault it is not getting done. The fucking disease that has taken me from me and from my family and is continuing to take. The greedy MonSter that wants my soul.

Every day it steals more of my life from me. DON’T tell me it could be worse!! It is going to get worse. It’s progressive and I am sick to death of people saying such an asinine thing to someone with a chronic [any] chronic disease. Until you walk, err roll a mile in my chair then please just shut up!!! This is ‘my’ worse. When you make such a hurtful statement like that to someone you downplay their pain. If you have a cold, allergies etc then yes, quit whining as it could be worse and your problem is going to go away. Chronic illness’ do not go away. And most times they progress for the person. So, until you have a clue of what you speak…do not speak!!

This has been eating me up for so many years. I had someone tell me once that it was all in my head. [a relative, not on my side] For once, she was right, well sort of. It is actually on the nerves on my brain and spine, but some are in my ‘head’. If I was the type to put my family on egg shells, I probably would have punched her in the mouth. But, you can’t help ignorance I guess. So I just kind of laughed and looked away. It took all my energy not to scream!

Every day I feel bad. Every day I have fatigue. Every day I have anxiety. Every day I get weaker. Every day I cannot walk. Every day I have pain. Every day I cry. Then…I get up, I put on my mask for those around me, I smile through my pain, I laugh at my shakes, I make jokes about my incontinence, I lend an ear to anyone who needs, I am strong for my kids, I tell my husband I’m ok. Then when the night-time comes, I sit in the silence, the only light from my bff, my Mac. I cry in silence for what has been lost, I cry in silence for the wife and mommy that has slowly been taken from my family, I cry for what is yet to come…I cry.

Blessings and Hope

 

Comments
  1. callie says:

    i have been a lurker.. but i am glad u posted this.. its very true that we make ourselves a big victim in many things.. when there are real victims to harder parts of life. you know you have always had my respect tracy many hugs.

    Like

  2. Amy says:

    MzT, I can really appreciate your blog today. I can relate to some parts of it. I appreciate understanding more of what you are going through. I don’t have the right words for this situation, I just want you to know that I love you dearly, and I’m always just a phone call away!!! You are such a brave person, a kind person, a loving person, and you have a purpose here despite “what your not able to do at this moment” Your inspire so many people with your bravery, honesty, love, compassion, kindness, and sense of humor…and beyond that you raise a lot of awareness and girl…you make BEAUTIFUL jewelry!

    Like

  3. Tracy says:

    Amers, you always make me cry ya goober. You are one of my cherished friends. What u deal with daily amazes me and shows me what tremendous strength you have.

    Always know I am so proud of you and proud to call you friend!
    xoxo

    Like

  4. callie says:

    Well you know my wishes for you my friend. I hold those tightly for you. And I feel that at times you may feel lost in the woods so to speak.. But.. you have a path and you have touched so many lives.. Your a hidden angel without awareness of your wings. But I know you for how long? I have seen those wings and I have seen your heart. Your amazing.

    Like

  5. Amy says:

    Ditto, my friend! I heart you!

    Like

  6. So touching, and it made me cry. It makes me think of you, Amy, my mom, and many others going through pain. If I was closer I’d reach out in hopes you’d recieve my hug. Your an amazing person Tracy and I truly look up to you in many ways. I am very happy and blessed to know you, and to know your one of my closets dearest friends.

    Like

  7. Ruby Cantu says:

    MzT….sometimes you take the words right out of my head…

    “I look at my house and cry. It is not my house!! My house would be clean, all the time. Dusted, vacuumed etc. Now, it is not that way. It’s tidy, but not spit spot clean like I always did it. My yard is awful, grass dead and not many flowers or nice landscape. If I was well it would be amazing like it was at my old house before I got sick. My kids do more than most kids and my hubby is always doing something. But, I still get so angry that they cannot just do the things that need to get done. The things that look like crap around my home. I know that it is my issue, my problem if you will”

    ….and you say it so well, last couple of days have been painfully bad, I thought of calling you for a bitch session…lol…but I spared you….I want you to know this, you can call on me and even though I can’t dry your tears I can lend an ear, {{{HUGS}}}

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      Ruby ,I so knew you would feel this. I was thinking about you as I wrote it. [not in a bad way, lol]

      You can call me anytime, skype me whenever to vent! It keeps my mind off of me!!
      xoxo

      Like

  8. Kristi says:

    Thank you for posting that, you put it to words so wonderfully! I share that feeling about the house almost exactly! Through it all, remember you are still an amazing person, your words definately show that!

    Like

  9. R. G. Maines says:

    wow Tracy

    I just had a similar ‘melt down’. I wish I could do something to help you. I wish we could better lift one another up.

    Thank you for sharing this.

    Love & Hugs

    Like

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