A quick quip:
Never mistake my tears for weakness!
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Blessings and Hope!
Category: Ramblings
Hell Hospital pt.4 the Colonoscopy [1st time]
January 29 – February 4 – Antelope Valley Hospital, Lancaster California. Second Floor East.
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This is where the TMI term may come in. We are talking Colonoscopy here. I will be as discreet as possible as this person is me and my dignity is still shot. So read with this caution. God Bless anyone going through this. The procedure itself is not the bad part, it is the preparation for it…
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Aside from a few embarrASSing 😛 moments, she made it through the Cystoscopy procedure. Hindsight being 20/20 she wishes she had been more ‘with’ it for this night. Her Colonoscopy was set for tomorrow, so they told her that tonight she would do yet another cleansing. Then why did they bring her food in the evening?? [Can we turn back time?]
The nurse brought her the ‘DRINK’ Go Lightly. Well, you will go, but not lightly!! The taste was somewhere between sour milk and paint thinner she decided. They expected her to drink a gallon of this. If she had not been sitting so securely on her friendly bedside commode she would have fallen off of it laughing.
They had flavors for the drink, which to her only made it worse. So the nurse got a 7up type soda and mixed it. It helped for about 6 of the glasses. By now she had been through about 8 glasses and 8 glasses had been through her instantaneously.
You’d think since they had cleansed her the night before and now 8 glasses of this, she would be flowing clear. Nope, not so much. She let the nurse know, no more drink thank you very much!! The nurse explained she would have to do a tap water enema then in the morning. Hallelujah, anything was better than drinking that. She knew more was coming, so she opted to stay on the commode for a bit and the nurse left. After a bit she was getting very tired and was in some pain, so she cleaned herself, got on her pull-up and got into the bed, only calling for a pain shot. [this was the same night as the iv f*#* up when her arm finally swelled and the new iv was not put into a vein, hence pain meds not working]
It felt as if she had gotten no sleep when they were back in her room ready for her enema. Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!! They first had to clean the commode as no one had emptied it from the night before. 😦 [this was a frequent occurrence for her and her one neighbor] Bleck!!!!
Explaining to the nurse, yet again, of her MS and inability to move fast or stand easily she tried to have them let her sit at the farthest edge of the commode so no messes would occur. They had her stand over the commode…you can guess what happened from there. One word mess. [remember, this is a 4 person room] So for the next few times they allowed her to sit on the edge of the commode!! Imagine that…
In her heart she was mortified and humiliated to her core. They cleaned the floor and commode, but she ended up cleaning herself. [not by choice, maybe they didn’t see it on her]
Remember this was the second cleansing. One the night of the Cystoscopy, and then this [drink and enema] pretty much all night cleansing. She was still not running clear. WTF!! Were there squatters living up there?!! [ty Ruby, lol]
One of the nurse techs, K, told a few people that the procedure would not work as she was still not running clear, they sent her up anyways. Being out of gurneys she was sent up in her bed and the procedure done in her bed.
She told the GI people what the nurse tech had said about her not running clear, but they had their orders. As the GI nurse was getting her ready for the procedure, she started to add fluids to the IV line. This is when it was found out that the IV was NOT in a vein!! The nurse removed it quickly and soothed Tracy as she was shaking, cold and crying from the pain. They got a line in after trying both feet. Pain! She now had a line in her right foot. Once the Oxygen was started and the meds flowed all she remembers is waking in the surgical room with the amazing GI nurse there.
Unfortunately, the news was not good. It did not work and she would have to go through this again at 8am the next morning. She would have to drink more of the cleansing drink and eat nothing.The nurse tech, K, from her floor had said this would happen, why didn’t anyone listen. Tracy’s psyche was breaking down and breaking down fast.
With tears quietly running down her face they took her back to her room for what was yet to come.
**To be continued**
Blessings and Hope!
Taking a break…
Feeling a bit overwhelemed, so going to take a break for today away from the ‘hospital’ blogs. I need to sort my thoughts for the blogs to come, so today I will be resting. Sleeping and watching movies are what is needed for me right now. The hospital conclusion[s] will be done within in the next week, so stay tuned if interested. These blogs are to help me face it, deal with it, and find my way back to me.
Thanks for all of the support thus far. I am blessed with amazing friends and family!!! xoxo
Blessings and Hope!
Hell Hospital pt.3 the Cystoscopy
January 29 – February 4 – Antelope Valley Hospital, Lancaster California. Second Floor East.
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This is the hardest part to write for me. It will be in 3 parts. There will be no pictures, and words will be chosen wisely as to not add to my humiliation or anyone else’s that may have gone through something of this nature. This is the part of my hospital stay that humiliated me to my core. This is the part that took something from me. I’m not a ‘weak’ minded person. I’m not someone who embarrasses easily or feels fear. So this whole experience was an awakening of sorts for me. An awakening I did not need, want, nor ask for.
Again, my words will be chosen wisely and carefully. This was the most dehumanizing experience I, personally, have ever experienced in my almost 46 [March 12] years of life. Some may ask the why tell it? My answer; For those without a voice, for those afraid to speak up on wrongdoings, for those who may feel alone.
This is my story. I will be telling it in the third person. I feel it will be easier this way.
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The yelling, whining patients [due to the fact no one came when they needed help], the constant IV issues, this was not starting out well. Things seemed to settle for the first few days. MRIs and Xrays, basic procedures. The only real issues were the call button and getting help in a timely manner. She would call for her room mates as they would call for her to get notice. Does not seem right, but what could they do?
She has Progressive MS which makes it hard to move her legs. Sometimes getting in the bed she needed help getting her legs up. Her first negative encounter with ‘S’ was small. [first night] Some comment about, she [S] could lift her legs up on the bed. hmmmm, then get someone to help, right? All Tracy needed was her legs slid up and back on the mattress. At home her 13 year old daughter does this with ease. Fine, whatever, she got her legs up herself.
Tuesday was the first ‘not so fun’ procedure, Cystoscopy. Her MS has caused incontinence issues and her bladder needed looking in to. Literally! 😛
The preparation for this was to cleanse the colon, or as her hubby says, do a Colon Blow! She’s gotta love him!
The previous night she had to drink a very citrusy type drink for the cleansing process. Not being able to move quickly, a bedside commode was brought in for her to use. Basically she sat on this literally falling asleep on it with her head on the bed for over 2 hours. [she kept time ck on her cell before and after procedures] Surprised a nurse did not awaken her and her get her back into bed at some point, [supposed hourly checks] she asked her ‘neighbor’ to hit the call button as she could not reach hers. By now her legs were almost purple, asleep, and a sense a fear set into her being. She cleaned herself with wipes brought in for her by her husband. She got her adult pull-ups on by herself and waited for someone to empty the commode and help get her legs into the bed.
By this time, sitting for so long in a humped position, her back was on fire. She was finally helped into the bed and got a pain ‘shot’ and slept for about 2 hours.
The Cystoscopy went off without a hitch. She was relieved and felt a bit better about her night of commode pain.
Little did she know the other shoe was waiting to be dropped, or in this case kicked!!
***to be continued***
Blessings and Hope!
Appropriate Horoscope
PISCES
Sometimes you need to take a stand. Today brings a golden opportunity to show that you’re different from the rest and are capable of making difficult decisions when the stakes are high.
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hmmmmmmm
Ah Life!
So, the 4 day pain in my head has quieted…now just an agonizing throbbing. My neuro called in a script to Rite Aid for me and they said they would not take it over the phone!! WTF! By the time they let us know it was too late for Rog to drive and pick up the prescription from the neuro. All this went on I was sleeping, or I would have said to call CVS or Walgreen’s. I have been a customer at this Rite Aid for 7 years. They now have lost a customer, and I will be calling to let them know it!! rofl
Not much sleep last night, serious back pain. I’m thinking it is from lying down for the past 4 days or it may be an infection. UTI, Kidney, Bladder…one of those. Sadly can not go to the doctor as right now can not afford it. We have to pay 2000.00 oop before the 80/20 kicks in, then 3500.00 before full coverage. Thanks to an illness, that I did not ask for, and the greedy people behind Blue Cross. My doctor uses lab corp but they [ins] do not cover lab corp [Quest], so I need a new doctor now too. NICE!!
I’m afraid to tell my neuro too much of what’s going on with me as he will put me in the Big House! lol Then he’ll have them hook me up to some IV Solumedrol. He knows how much I love that stuff. I’m actually thinking it may be a good thing, as the pain is becoming too much for me. Thanks to Rite Aid, I ended up having to take more than one of my pain killers which dummied me up enough for the headache to go but brought on serious tummy issues. Ah, the joys of being me! [for bad serious esophageal pain, white bread de-crusted – pain is gone] Seriously!
So now I sit [back pain too much to lie down] wondering what today will bring. Sorry not more positive, bit it’s hard when life hands you all the lemons and your juicer is broken! 😛
Blessings and Hope.
Enjoy the Ride!
Headaches and Spasms and Pain…Oh My!
Three day headaches does not a happy Tracy make!!
It is like water torture; constant pain, split second relief, you smile and bam it comes back. Then due to lying down for the past couple of days, my lower back is on fire, and that makes my legs spasm. Happy, happy, joy, joy!! My whole body feels weak and my parts will not work they way they need to.I’m drained an my body feels ‘floaty’. Rog said, ‘that’s cool'[gotta love him]. hmmmm No babe, not so much. 😦
I called my neuro as I am hoping he will prescribe me something for the pain[s]. My pain med. is not working [figures], all it does is take the edge off. Not acceptable. 😛
So just a quickie! lol Off to lie back down.
Blessings and Hope
Memories of a love lost…
They were apart, it was her doing. Come back she cried. No, he was through. Her insecurities and cruel comments were too much to take. He tried to understand, but it was over…this time. She could not breathe. How could she live without him in her life? How could she show him it would be different? She was so scared, scared he would leave her so she figured she’d be cruel. That it was her making him go. She could not understand why he loved her. She was nothing, he was everything. He would cheat someday, didn’t they all. Now he was gone. Her love, her life.
They were young. She knew from the moment she saw him, she loved him. Tall, dark hair, hazel eyes. Her heart. But it could not last, would not last. She trusted no one. And her fears inevitably would push him away. She had loved before, but never loved to her soul. Her first love. Words spoken. Some can never be taken back. He told her once she made him feel important, loved. And she did love him, with every ounce of her being. But, now he was gone. He was not coming back. How was she supposed to live, to go on?
She’d smile and laugh in public. In private, her tears burned her cheeks every day. They talked, she heard him drive by. Run to the window, please stop. Her heart beating fast, anticipation. She’d watch him drive away. He stopped once, came to the door. She had someone there, no one really, but he just looked and walked away. She wanted to run, to run and tell him she loved him. Without him she could not survive. But, she stood frozen. He had said to leave him alone once, so she did. Letting go she hoped would show him how much she loved him. It was all she had to offer.
Months passed, he found someone new. A child on the way. Her heart broke that day. Would her tears ever end? Would her heart ever mend?
One last time, at a friends. They ran into one another. She tried to be so strong. She saw it in his eyes, he did still love her. But it was too late. As the song says, ‘Letting go, is just another way to say I’ll always love you so.’ She had to let go, she had to find herself again…could she. Has she now?
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She has love now. She loves for the last time. But, sometimes in the night she sees his face. Did he ever really love her? She was told once, she was his first love as well. Then why was it so easy to let her go. Does he ever think of her? Does he ever wonder, what if? Does it matter anymore? A part of her heart disappeared that cold day never to return.
Letting go…
Blessings and Hope
So tired…
of falling…
Does this mean I should use my Wheel-chariot all the time? No, no, no… I can still shuffle 18.2 feet. I will do that until I cannot any longer. But it hurt today. Did not hit my head, but landed hard on my back. Medication, sleep.
Short and sweet today… good night!
Blessings and Hope!
Making it Through the Rain 