Category: Craziness

Craziness · RANDOM · Sarcasm

Thoughts…Ramblings…and Other Who Cares Stuff

Tracy9 Comments

So we had our debut of ‘The Padded Room- unlocked and unplugged’ and we actually made it through. We do need to work on the sound for us, as we have gotten feedback that we are a bit hard to hear. Ruby is soft spoken, so why she is hard to hear. She is the soothing voice behind the padded room. I’m, well, not so soft spoken but even I came across low at times. I cannot hold my phone for too long as my hands go numb and get weak, so I need to find a good quality telephone headset. Add one more item on my list of things to do! lol But, all in all, we are proud of the job we did and cannot wait for our next show…April 8, 2010 on the Real Life Radio Network at 1 pm Texas time!

The Ladies of the Padded Room

*************************

After getting some things done for the show, and skyping with Ruby, I started feeling a bit out of sorts. It was like a light bulb going off in my head…I had forgotten to take my anti-d for 2 maybe even 3 nights. Soooooo not good. And nutty me, we just discussed this on our debut show about depression and medications. It was one of those ‘slap me upside the head’ moments. So duh me!! Now I am back on track and hope to not forget again. I even bought a morning/evening pill box for my meds. I’m thinking the key is to actually add the meds in it and take them on time. Ya think! rolfmfao

Then, the coolest thing…my Sybil doll came.

The Padded Room Mascot

It’s kind of hard to tell as it was a quick pic, but she is wearing a straight jacket. So awesome. She is one of MANY dolls from the Living Dead Dolls line. I now have 5 and am hoping for one more.

My girls....

Click to enlarge the pics. They are dead and needed someone to care for them. Who better but me!

hehe

My newest Pic for The Real Life Network

Urban billboard baby!

Talk about ramblings…

Maybe my meds are kicking in and it is time for me to fly!! Love that REO Speedwagon song, don’t you?

Blessings and hope!!!

Craziness · Family · Health · HELL · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Strength

Making it Through the Rain…

Tracy17 Comments

This blog is my blog. It is for me to share my life with my friends and my family and anyone who has an interest. It is to tell the stories of a crazy lady living with MS…moi!

When all the crap happened to me at the hospital I used it, MY blog, to reach out to my readers for support through a time that encompassed my world in a not so good way. I never wanted nor asked for your sympathy or pity. That’s not what I want. I needed…NEEDED support and friendship. That is why I shared my experience with you all.

This past year I have progressed more than any year previous, but still found the humor and tried to always add something in my blogs for a giggle. Even in my Hell Hospital blogs I tried to add humor.

During my stay in the big house, I was informed that I have acquired 3 new active lesions on my spine. With all the hospital terror and the issues of late, I put that aside and put it to the back of my mind. I am terrified of what these lesions could mean. No one can really give me a definitive answer. Is this the reason I can no longer use my walker and rely on my wheel-chariot now more than ever? Am I on my way to total paralysis? Again, no one knows. But either way I will deal with it as it comes. My inner spirit is strong.

There may be days I will be down, happens when you have a chronic illness that takes from you every day. But, as I have said before, NEVER confuse my tears or sadness for weakness as you will be wrong. I am strong in mind, heart, and soul. I do make it through the rain EVERY day of my life. I  do this with the help of my family and my friends that accept me for who I am and not what they want me to be.

I was told I look for sympathy and feel sorry for me cards [whatever the fuck that meant]. In this case this was one of the ‘the pot totally calling the kettle black’ things. Sympathy and the feel sorry me BS is something I have no time for.

This is a blog about a woman who lives with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. Of course there will be blogs that might be a tad depressing. DUH!!! But, you will always find HOPE in my writings. I end every blog with ‘Blessings and Hope’! Why, because there always is Hope!!

I am only me, and will no longer apologize for that! No one should ever apologize for being who they are.

So, here it is, take me as I am and I will do the same for you. If you feel I have wronged you, talk to me, come to me and I will show you the same courtesy. I am not a liar as I have no reason to lie.  I am not a manipulative person, but have found that many have tried to manipulate me. Do not do it again!!

I will now be back to my former sarcastic, a bit crazy, mentoring blogging in hopes that maybe I can help someone in a similar situation. Maybe we can help each other. And btw, I do still make some wicked tasty lemonade from the lemons life has given me.

Thank you for being here and reading me. As new details arise regarding the hell hospital situation, I will update. [if you do not want to read em, then move the fuck on] 🙂

And, as always…

Blessings and Hope!!

Craziness · HELL · Hope · Ramblings

The Voices in My Head

Tracy5 Comments

My PR buddy, Ruby, was saying how she wants the voices in her head to quiet down. So, I replied to have her voices tell my voices to shut the Hell up!!

blah blah blah
hmmmm

My insomnia is bad enough, and then add the voices and sleep is so hard to come by. I think about what to blog, my website over haul, my Hell hospital visit, and the list goes on. Not even my good meds can shut them up. What good are they then. 😛

Today is overcast and a tad dreary…just how I like it. lol Hoping for some rain. It’s a tad cold, but my comfy bed is warm so that is where I am.

———————–

On a good note:

Since I got home from Hell hospital I have had to use my wheel-chariot 100% of the time. Usually I can get to my bathroom using my walker. [18.2 feet] Well the other day I made it one way, but needed my chair to get back. Last night I realized my chariot was almost out of juice, so I had to try to use my walker again. Woot Woot, I made it back and forth from my tinkletorium!! Go me, go me!! So, now I will be trying to use my walker for the short walk again. Hopefully my legs will keep working for a while longer to be able to do this. It may not be a far walk, but it’s still a walk!! 🙂

As for Hell hospital, no one has returned my calls since last week. Guess they figure I’ll let it go…rofl!! Me, let something go!! OMG, they do not know who they are dealing with!! lol Bastards! So, now I will call them back again and again until they take care of the issue at hand. If ‘S’ told them she did not treat me that way, I will go to that hell hole and face her. I so do not ever want to go back there, but I will for this.

Now I am going to try to get caught up on a few things, and then rest for a bit.

Join me at 10am PST today here, for a gr8 show!!

Blessings and Hope!!

Craziness · Ramblings · Stupid Stuff

Blankety, blank ,blank, blank…

Tracy4 Comments

For the past two nights my mind has been blank. I’ve been reading the Twilight books. Finished Eclipse in 6 hours and am half way through Breaking Dawn. Loving me some Vampires!! lol

The kids are finally back in school after a 3 week vacation. It figures their first day back, and my first day alone in 3 weeks, I was not feeling well. My kindle has been keeping me company. I was all ready to get out to my jewelry table and create some new things, and BAM could barely move. I so know that when ‘Aunt Flow’ visits, it affects my MS in a yuck way. And what do you know, the bitch came to visit yesterday. I know… TMI!!  😛 So, reading and sleeping was my day.

Today will end up the same, it seems. Other than a conference call meeting at 10am, I’m off for the day for more Kindle time and sleep. I hope this [aunt flow and the tireds] ends soon. I have been designing things in my head for days now and so need some ‘jewelry’ time. It clears my head and makes me feel like I have some purpose. I finally purchased my domain name, so stop by and check it out. A Fabulous Flair It is still a work in progress. Still deciding on backgrounds etc.

Well before I start rambling about more stupid stuff, I’m out!

Blessings and Hope!

Craziness · Fear · Ramblings

In Dreams…

Tracy8 Comments

She was in a daze, looking around, everyone she knew was there, parents, children, friends, in a large chair, people touching her face, fixing her hair, makeup, this is a gift to you they say. People she did not know, brushing, coloring, cutting her hair. Don’t touch my hands, I just did my nails. No, stop, do not touch my feet, they hurt. Darkness.

Her eyes open slowly, she sits up and sees the mirror. She looks into the mirror not sure how she got across the room. She is crippled, yet she is young and beautiful again. Thin. A wig? A long curly wig sits atop her head. Take it off. Her hair is red again, and long. But they were cutting it. Extensions? She shes her young body in the mirror, thin, sexy, she wants to hide.

The people come in the room. ‘Ah, you are awake now!’ She glides across the floor to them, looking down at her feet skimming atop the wooden floor. How did I get up here? Who put me in these clothes? Laughter fills the room, whispers. Come out and see all who love you.

People are everywhere. Where is my husband? In the fields. The fields? Kittens everywhere… not to worry I know who to call to save them all. Blink…

Back in the room, alone. She looks in the chipped black framed mirror and smiles. Awaken!

_____________________

Blessings and hope…

© 01/08/2010

Craziness · Fear · Health · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Yup, you guessed it…

Tracy6 Comments

Another ‘no sleep in sight night’ for me. But I wonder…is it because I cannot sleep or because I do not want to sleep? I had mentioned a while back that the night is my haven. It is dark and quiet. [the way I like it] My kids call me momma Vampyre. I am normal. No need to get up and go. No need to do anything at all. The house is ‘asleep’ and I can be whole, if only for a short time. Hubby is buzz sawing in sofa city again. The kids [off school] are quietly playing video games. And, again the big dogs are sound to sleep in here with me. Life, for me, can not get any better than this. As I read this, I realize it  may sound kind of  pathetic to those who do not know me. In all actuality, it is quite awesome. I can hear the occasional loud ‘snort’ from sofa city, and the kids pop in from time to time to get a hug and tell me they love me. That’s wicked cool if you ask me.

If I was well, life would be sooooo much more different. But, I wonder, would it be better? Would I be happier? The initial answer is HELL to the YES!! But, really, would it be? My husband would have a better wife, my kids a better mommy.  So for them, yes, I feel it would be better. Sadly, we will never know. Would I give my right arm for my legs to work again, fatigue to stop, MS to go the fuck away…YUP!! Cut it off, no anesthetic, whatever, just give me back my legs and take the MS back!! Hmmmm, ok maybe use anesthetic. lol I mean, I’m left handed…

I have been watching a buttload of movies and get so depressed sometimes. I hate people that can walk!! Ok, not the people so much, but their ability to walk. I get very jealous. Yup, I said it, I get jealous and yes anger plays a part as well. I’m human, it happens. I’m also honest. When I used to pick up the kids from school, I would sit in the van and cry watching all the moms standing around and getting their kids. Some holding babies or their toddlers. I barely got to do that with my girls because by the time they were born the weakness got very bad. I was much too afraid to carry them for fear of falling and/or dropping them. Even with the boy, I was afraid to fall and/or drop him. By then he was 2yrs 4mos. It really sucked! What they did get, was a mommy home with them all the time. Helping with homework, reading to them, being there for them 24/7. So, sometimes I feel they got more from me than from the ‘healthy’ moms. My time was for them. If anything, hubby got the worst of it having to do all the things I could no longer do. Aw hell, it builds character! lol

I used to get mad as for years I knew something was wrong. I was dx’ed with CFS in 1986. I guess they figured a 6′ tall, thin, healthy woman, did not need an MRI or anything then.  I was working and going to college. No wonder why I was tired. Then I wonder if I had know, would I have had children? Would I have married? My answer, most likely NOT! It’s now a tad late for the what ifs. So, I just keep on keeping on and wear whatever mask is needed for the day. My masks are my protection from the world. Those close to me know when my masks are on [sometimes]. Those not close to me do not need to know. It is better for them they do not see the real pain behind the mask. My way of protecting others I guess.

As 2009 comes closer to the end, I wonder…will 2010 look brighter? I guess the real question is, will I look to 2010 as brighter? Just like ‘how many licks to get to the center of a lollipop’… the world may never know! HA

Blessings and Hope …

Craziness · Fear · Ramblings

Hey Mr. Sandman……

Tracy13 Comments

So, another ‘Sleepless in California’ night going on here. At least no snoring issue! Poor hubby is in sofa city tonight. Thankfully, for him, it is a nice pullout bed with a nice mattress pad thingie. He can snore until the cows come home without fear of waking up with a headache! I actually have my room and my bed all to myself too. Usually when dad is in sofa city one of the girls come on in and bunk with the mom. They worry about mommy being all alone. [not knowing mommy loves to be alone…sometimes] I’m watching “Bride Wars’, playing in FB and blogging. Does it get any better than this, I think not! I was going to watch ‘Silence of the Lambs’, but figured maybe not when I am all alone! lol That movie freaks me out.

Chance [Border Collie] is sleeping on the bed right next to me and Sadie is on her bed on the floor. Dexter is in with the girls, so all is quiet on the western front.  Every now and then I hear Austin yell at his computer game. This is how I know he is here and alive. 😛

As I watch the movie [Bride Wars], I feel sad. I see such an amazing friendship and cry for one like that. I know it’s a movie, but I have heard others talk about their BFF’s and I feel detached  from it. I mean, I feel very close to a select few of my friends, but wish we all were closer to create the bonds of those who have grown up together and live near one another. I am probably not making much sense here. Shoot, I do not even know what I mean. Here I go, rambling yet again.

I mentioned in a blog before that I tend to write what I’m thinking and how I am thinking it. So, many times my thoughts are out-of-order and all over the place. If you can understand me, then you might be a bit nutty like me. lol Or like the song says; ‘I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell’. I have all these ideas and thoughts that pop in my head, but most of the time they make no sense whatsoever. They must be medication induced or something. I know some of my dreams [when I actually sleep] are. lol I just cannot pinpoint why I am all over the place lately. Usually I can focus on things. Now, not so much.

I truly hate leaving my home. Kind of scares me as at home I am safe and in control. When I go out, I am at the mercy of others and my wheel-chariot.  Others for help in reaching items on high shelves, my WC if the power dies. Others drive my van with me in it, as even though I am still able to drive, I prefer not to. I have this nagging fear in the back of my head that all of a sudden my right leg will go, like me left, and I will not be able to brake or accelerate. That has not really ever happened before, but the fear is there. And it is terrifying.

I keep having one dream that is the same. Maybe why I am having a hard time sleeping. I dream that I wake up and am completely paralyzed. Like the woman with MS that Dr. Kevorkian helped. So, ya, that might why I am having trouble sleeping. Hmmmm, think I’m on to something. I know that progression is in my future. The rate of progression is not known, and I am praying it is a slow(er) progression. Oh shit blah blah blah.

So, my train of thought has left the station.  Peace out!

Blessings and Hope…

Craziness · Ramblings

Blank

Tracy5 Comments

We see at all the networking sites ‘What’s your status’ etc. Have you ever felt like putting ‘blank’?

I have had all kinds of things going on in my mind and all ready to blog them, then BAM nothing. I log in here get ready to blog and wooosh the thought go flying out like a birdie from it’s nest. Just flutters away.

Last night I could not sleep. So many things rattling around in my head. I felt like a bingo ball roller. I had all kinds of ideas to blog about today. Then sleep came and thoughts all gone. Usually, I will get up and write down the ideas on paper and then decipher them in the morning. But, last night it was so late and I was afraid I would wake someone up. I can remember bits and pieces of my thoughts, but they come out like a horror movie all over the place. My dreams can be very creepy due to some of the medications I have to take. I try to remember them so I can write them down, but somehow they are gone.

So, I wonder, if above all of our heads when we sleep is a ‘thought’ taker. A lil cloud that consumes your thoughts and dreams and teases you like a an older sibling. Putting it close to you, then snatching it away with an evil grin taunting you. You keep reaching for it an it gets pulled further and further from you. You strain to grasp it, but it always just out of reach.

So, one day, I purchased a voice recorder to ‘save’ my thoughts when I get them, but then realized, “Like that’s not gonna wake up the house?” For the daytime it’s great, but most of my thoughts and ideas come to me at night when the house is still and dark. The only lights are from my Mac screen and lit keyboard. It is then I can close my eyes and really hear myself. The occasional car passes outside with a hum of the tires on the road. Every now and then one of my furbabies makes a lil groan. Letting momma know they are there. Peaceful at last…

Maybe, in not having a thought and feeling blank, I found a thought and am no longer blank. Satisfaction!

Blessings and hope!

Craziness

My Vegas Video

Tracy15 Comments

This is my first video using my iMovie on my Mac. So cool.

The video is of the trip, the drive home and the makings of the scrapbook.

The fabulous ladies you will see are: Laurie, Lu. Cynthia, Yana, Kelly, Esther, Stephanie, Daisy and my hubby [not a lady] Roger.. oh and moi! lol

I love clouds, so you will those. lol The coolest part of the drive home was what I like to call, Atomic city. It is a grouping of home directly across from the Federal Penitentiary that look as though a bomb went off. Hundreds of homes condemned and broken. I would love to go there at night and get some pics, but being across the street from the Pen, probably not a good idea! lol

The song is by Nelson – Everywhere I Go.

Craziness · Ramblings

Hello Friends

Tracy5 Comments

I will be getting to Vegas day 2 and my shower ideas soon.

Yesterday I was doing gr8, then BAM started feeling really bad. My legs had that ‘swelling’ feeling almost like the falling asleep feeling. As did my arms. Had a tough night as my legs kept ‘twitching’. My left ankle still hurts from crushing it the other day between my chair and the counter. So that is not helping. Walking right now, even just standing up to grab my walker, is taking all my spoons. You should see me trying to make it to the bathroom!! rofl That, in and of itself is freakin’ hilarious! My head feels like it is ready to explode and the fatigue is unbearable.

But, you wanna hear the worst part of all……………

THERE IS NOTHING ON TV OR CABLE OR ON DEMAND!! WTH!! The days I feel good all the good shows, movies, dvr are on. I watched Law and Order: SVU on dvr this morning. But now there is nothing on! I mean really. You would think the cable would know to have the good shit on when I am sick! I mean, for the money we pay them, the should be here changing the channels for me!!

Guess I will just lie back down with all my puppies who hog the bed and try and rest some more. BORING!! Maybe I will count the speckle shit on the ceiling, that’ll put my ass to sleep!

As always… blessings and peace!