Hey Mr. Sandman……

Posted: December 29, 2009 in Craziness, Depression, Fear, friendship, mindless-thoughts, Ramblings
Tags: , ,

So, another ‘Sleepless in California’ night going on here. At least no snoring issue! Poor hubby is in sofa city tonight. Thankfully, for him, it is a nice pullout bed with a nice mattress pad thingie. He can snore until the cows come home without fear of waking up with a headache! I actually have my room and my bed all to myself too. Usually when dad is in sofa city one of the girls come on in and bunk with the mom. They worry about mommy being all alone. [not knowing mommy loves to be alone…sometimes] I’m watching “Bride Wars’, playing in FB and blogging. Does it get any better than this, I think not! I was going to watch ‘Silence of the Lambs’, but figured maybe not when I am all alone! lol That movie freaks me out.

Chance [Border Collie] is sleeping on the bed right next to me and Sadie is on her bed on the floor. Dexter is in with the girls, so all is quiet on the western front.  Every now and then I hear Austin yell at his computer game. This is how I know he is here and alive. 😛

As I watch the movie [Bride Wars], I feel sad. I see such an amazing friendship and cry for one like that. I know it’s a movie, but I have heard others talk about their BFF’s and I feel detached  from it. I mean, I feel very close to a select few of my friends, but wish we all were closer to create the bonds of those who have grown up together and live near one another. I am probably not making much sense here. Shoot, I do not even know what I mean. Here I go, rambling yet again.

I mentioned in a blog before that I tend to write what I’m thinking and how I am thinking it. So, many times my thoughts are out-of-order and all over the place. If you can understand me, then you might be a bit nutty like me. lol Or like the song says; ‘I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell’. I have all these ideas and thoughts that pop in my head, but most of the time they make no sense whatsoever. They must be medication induced or something. I know some of my dreams [when I actually sleep] are. lol I just cannot pinpoint why I am all over the place lately. Usually I can focus on things. Now, not so much.

I truly hate leaving my home. Kind of scares me as at home I am safe and in control. When I go out, I am at the mercy of others and my wheel-chariot.  Others for help in reaching items on high shelves, my WC if the power dies. Others drive my van with me in it, as even though I am still able to drive, I prefer not to. I have this nagging fear in the back of my head that all of a sudden my right leg will go, like me left, and I will not be able to brake or accelerate. That has not really ever happened before, but the fear is there. And it is terrifying.

I keep having one dream that is the same. Maybe why I am having a hard time sleeping. I dream that I wake up and am completely paralyzed. Like the woman with MS that Dr. Kevorkian helped. So, ya, that might why I am having trouble sleeping. Hmmmm, think I’m on to something. I know that progression is in my future. The rate of progression is not known, and I am praying it is a slow(er) progression. Oh shit blah blah blah.

So, my train of thought has left the station.  Peace out!

Blessings and Hope…

Comments
  1. Vicki Day says:

    Honey I would be scared seeing you on full rampage with your war chariot …… busting down those aisle or the mall!
    Love Bride Wars …..reminds me of my two cousins who married the same month – we all needed a honeymoon after their weddings.

    Like

  2. Tammy says:

    Just like you I wish I had what most say that they have and that is BFF’s. I have a few close friends, and a few acquaitances, but I wish we all lived closer to one another so that a stronger bond could be implemented. Being so far away from each other the only way I can reach out sadly because of finances is either facebook, blogs, or email. My cell phone died on me, and I am waiting ever so patiently to save the $$ to purchase a new one. Momma doesn’t have long distance service so that’s out of the ?, and I don’t have the money to travel either. Feel screwed either way I look! LOL .. One day I hope to be able to travel and meet each one that I consider to be very close to me and my family.

    As far as you driving I think I’d feel the same way. I’d be scared of putting myself and other innocent people at risk. I just started driving, and parts of me are still not at a comfort zone yet, but I know in time that will change, just have to believe in myself. What scares me the most isn’t necessarily me getting/causing at accident, it’s those idiot drivers out there that pay no attention to their surroundings!

    Keep your chin and smile hun it looks good on ya 😉 muah xx

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  3. Ruby Cantu says:

    MzT I may be a bit unwell as I was clearly able to follow your rambling thoughts and it all makes perfect sense to me. I consider you a BFF among a few others, sadly all my BFF’s are online and miles away….I know too the feeling of being at someone else’s mercy, I have to have Morgan Freeman drive my Daisy a$$ wherever I go, and I love Morgan Freeman but wish I could just get up and go on my own.

    I went to bed early last night, then at midnight I was wide awake, then I fell asllep again and then I woke up an hour later, after that it was every 30 minutes…..sucks.

    Anyhoo I am done rambling here….love ya and lots of hugs.

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  4. Kathy says:

    Pretty sure I got it because I felt like I could relate to most of what you said with the exception of your chariot and van. But I don’t go out by myself either. It’s just too scary and takes too much energy. That’s why me and Amazon Prime are bffs. (we don’t talk much but they keep me highly entertained!)

    I certainly get the thing about not having friends from childhood. We moved a lot when I was a kid and now this crazy fibro thing drives people away in droves. That’s why it’s wonderful to have online friends. Been an absolute lifesaver and I mean that most sincerely 🙂

    The dreams you’re having…have you tried anything to work with them? I’m not sure what, but it really seems like another quality of life issue.

    Hypnosis? Xyrem? I don’t know what else would help but being able to sleep without something hijacking it might help with all the scattered thoughts that are bothering you. Just a thought.

    But even when you’re down you have such a way with words. You make me laugh…and you make me feel like I’m part of a conversation with a friend. And that is totally cool. Take care!

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  5. Tracy says:

    My dreams are all about my fears of what ‘might’ happen one day. I’m a tad stubborn and a fighter, so it [MS] better be prepared for a wicked fight! 😛

    TY for letting me know I make you laugh, that is what I hope I do for those who read me!
    hugzz

    Like

  6. R. G. Maines says:

    I’m with you Tracy,

    I don’t like to go out either. I feel safe at home. In public I feel really vulnerable and compromised. Kodi hasn’t been trained enough yet to be able to accompany me in public beyond the couple of places that have welcomed us as places where we can train.

    I always understand what you have to share, you help me to be able to laugh at myself and to look for inspiration where I can find it.

    Much Love & Hugs ox

    Like

  7. Amy says:

    Well, heck, I know I’m a lil unwell, but I can completely follow you, I will just blame it on my adhd mind…it’s always all over the place, the train rarely even comes into the station in my mind…*LOL*
    I can understand your fears. It’s scary and vulnerable to have to rely on others to help you, especially in a world that isn’t always so kind anymore. I have the fear, mainly cos all mine is tummy, I don’t want to throw up on the cashier’s shoes as she checks me out…what would I say “uhhhh, sorry?!!” so I don’t go out much either. BF, I don’t know what those are anymore. The closest I’ve been to others, one was over a decade have really let me down. One day a gal on my face book page wrote a status that said “Do others really let us down and disappoint us or do we as humans put to much faith into them” I haven’t stopped thinking about that status since! It’s so true, I think its 50/50.
    And one more thing, my sweet friend, do not allow tomorrow’s worries to steal your joy or your sleep today. Live in the present!♥

    Like

  8. What you said…

    “And one more thing, my sweet friend, do not allow tomorrow’s worries to steal your joy or your sleep today.
    Live in the present!♥”

    Sage advice. Uh-huh.

    Like

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