Month: August 2010

Health · Multiple Sclerosis

Another day…

Tracy12 Comments

The waiting for ‘the better day’ is taking too long. This lingering headache is sofa king annoying and cause me so much stress. The pain in my arms and legs is beginning to really bother me too. I learned last night that my Norco for pain is no longer for me. It helps with the pain in my body, but then cause me chest pains. [esophagus issues] Normally I can take them with no problems as long as I sit up for 30 minutes or so. Now, not so much. Was on the phone with my Ruby girl and had to get off quickly as I thought I was going to be sick. I shut my Mac and put my head down for a bit and the yuck feeling finally went away. Is it too much to ask for just one day of feeling good?

Now, too change the depressing subject… my bathroom is coming along. They finished floating the floor into a ramp for me. I did get a nice laugh this morning as my lil boy Dexter left tiny puppy paw prints in the concrete. 😛 I hope it does not hurt the tile laying! OOPS! lol

click for larger pic!

As for me, today, it’s going to be a movie day. Need to re-generate. As I type that, I laugh. All I do is movie days and lie down and rest. Such is life right?

Tracy...
Health · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM

Life…

Tracy28 Comments

This is NOT my life… where is my real life? If you find it, please reply here with the location.

I realized that I have not been out of my home for over 3 weeks. I just have no desire, no oomph to do anything. I know it’s not about the Ampyra as I’ve only been on that 2.5 weeks. It’s been so hot here and heat is no longer my friend. When I say out of my home, I mean that literally. I look outside, but have not even gone outside. I have no desire, or care much right now to do anything.

All my kids are back in school, hubby working, so I’m alone all day. I do not drive, can’t work, and sometimes I really feel like what’s the point. I have no energy, my fatigue is off the charts. [even with the anti-fatigue meds]

And please, please do NOT say, “It could be worse.” or “You’re only given what you can handle!” BULLSHIT! This is my ‘worse’. I need help to get dressed, to shower, sometimes to eat when I can barely hold the utensils. I wear my pj’s most days all day as by the time I get up everyone is gone, and it takes too much energy to get pants on by myself. Luckily, I love my pj’s and have many sets. I guess unless you ‘roll a mile in my chair’ you’ll never understand. The helplessness, the loneliness, the depression that sets in. Maybe it’s a ‘healthy’ thing. Usually it’s the healthy ones that makes the above statements. Their biggest issue is what to wear, having a busy day, what to cook for dinner, ‘oh damn’ have to drive the kids around, etc. etc. etc!! PLEASE!! I know this to be true as I was once there and took soooo much for granted. Like ….. walking for instance.

my legs...

I’m tired of always feeling like I have to be shiny happy all the time. My life SUCKS!!! I know, I know, I have a gr8 husband and kids and family and friends…I get that. But, I have no purpose. Without a purpose what’s left. Feeling useless is the most depressing feeling of all. I have not felt like nor have had the energy to make anything for my shop in weeks. My hands cannot hold the tools very well right now. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!! Who really cares anyways.

EXACTLY!

Blessings and Hope! [still waiting]

Family · Health · Love · PAIN

Out of sorts!

Tracy8 Comments

Do you ever have those days when you know you have something to do or need to do something but just can’t find the oomph? I’m there. The past few days had been not the best MS days and kind of overly fatigued. I know it will pass, but I want it to pass like yesterday.

My bff aka sister form another mister contacted me to let me know her mama [who I think of as a mom] is not doing well and her Cancer has returned with a vengeance. I’m so numb and cannot imagine what my bff is going through.  Mama Jo is one one the finest ladies I have ever known. My mom lived far away and she was like my surrogate mom. She took me in as one of her own. I want to be able to be there for my girl and mama Jo, but this damn MS keeps me immobile. I should be in the car driving out there to be with Liz and flying back with her if needed. I can’t and I feel helpless. No matter what went on in her life she always had a smile for others and a kind word. Please keep them all in your thoughts, prayers, blessings, whatever it is you do. If there ever needed to be a miracle, it should be for her.

it could happen!!

I just hope they can control her pain so she doesn’t suffer at all. She is one the strongest women you will ever meet, a fighter. I love you mama Jo!!

So, ya, it’s been one of those days. Can’t seem to function. Please keep Liz, Will, and Ted in your thoughts, prayers and/or blessings as well. Her children love her so!

Blessings and Hope!

Health · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings

Mercury and MS!!

Tracy6 Comments

There is a theory that those of us with MS who have the old mercury fillings in our teeth, should have them removed. But, you do not want to have the mercury fillings taken out and porcelain put in. The reason is that the mercury is encased and if they break it to remove it, then it will get into your system. You need to have the whole tooth/teeth removed and replaced.

not my teeth!! lol

I get this and it kind of makes sense, kind of. I have looked into this and it’s about 50/50. Some notice a difference in how they feel, others have noticed nothing. If I had the thousands of dollars to have this done, sure I’d do it. Even 50/50 is better than nothing. But, again, unless the mercury fillings break, they are doing no harm. I asked a highly respected dentist in Del Mar about this and I trust his word.

Again, I do get it and if I had the dinero, I would do it as we know mercury is NOT good for us!

hmmmm, maybe I’ll change my donate button to “help my teeth!”

xx, Tracy
Multiple Sclerosis

Ampyra – is it helping?

Tracy12 Comments

It’s hard to know if it truly is working. I think I feel changes but then I wonder if it is real or imaginary. I can still move my toes around better, but then I wonder if it is better. It’s very hard to explain my emotions. I want it to work so bad that sometimes I think I am making it all up in my head. Sometimes it seems that it is easier to transfer, then the next time it’s a struggle. I’m still dealing with the insomnia but not sure it is from the Ampyra or the MS. It has been hard to sleep way before the Ampyra, but it seems worse now. I’m hoping it is a side effect that goes away as I do not want to have rely on sleeping aids.

Blah, blah, blah! 😛

Anger

Please sign!!

Tracy5 Comments
please help!!

We need to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves. It starts with animals…

On March 26, 2010, a dog named Mima was found with all her 4 legs brutally chopped off apparently over an old conflict between neighbors. Currently, animal cruelty is not a crime in Bulgaria. Thousands of their citizens protested and a proposal for a new law was sent to their Parliament to vote on.

As months progress, the current situation in Bulgaria is getting much worse. Animals and their advocates are now the target of more abuse from those who are angry of the attention their cause has received since Mima’s story of unimaginable torture came to light. A “journalist” who used his TV show as a platform for hate speech, even had a guest showing techniques on how to poison strays. Some of the recent atrocities in addition to the daily poisoning are as follows: a kitten’s head was decapitated and displayed on a fence for all to see, more dogs being hung from a bridge or a tree, another mutilation case- this time a very young puppy, an 80 year old woman who was caring for stray cats was assaulted by her neighbors. When animal lovers report these atrocities to the police, they’re either apathetic or are laughed at.

Please help stop this madness and sign the petition. It only takes a minute!

Blessings and Hope!!!

Anger · Fear · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings

Reality sets in

Tracy14 Comments

When life sets in and slaps ya, it sucks!! My kids go back to school this coming Monday. My son is now going into the 11th grade and my girls are starting HS, 9th grade. Every year we have to get all the paperwork in, proof of residence, registration, pick up books, bus passes, etc. Not being able to drive my poor hubby has to take of work to get all these things done. When the girls registered, they did not have their books in yet, so they had to go back a second time. Then Ashley, being in band camp has a bbq this Friday where parents need to go for all the pricing info for marching band and concert band. Hubbies work is at it’s busiest and it makes it very hard for him to keep taking time off. All of this just lets me know more and more that I am useless and crippled. If I was not ill, I could be doing what the mom is supposed to do. Hubby already has enough on his plate thanks to my illness. As it is, he got Shelby to get her books, but Ashley is just shit-out-of-luck. The band camp bbq is at 5:30 pm. Don’t they know people work? Out where we live people work over an hour away. Commuting baby. I know, it is not their problem, but what about single parents as well? How can they expect parents to be there at these times? 7pm would be much more appropriate for parents.

I know my kids do not mean to make me feel sad, but they get upset when we miss things or have to cancel things. I fully understand. I remember being so jazzed about being the mom of all moms. Sports mom, carpools, etc. My MS has taken all that away from me, worse it has taken me from my family that needs me most. We cannot afford to hire someone to help with these things, so we are on our own. It gets so frustrating for me not being able to do these things for my kids. I HATE being immobile and feeling useless. I’m a worker, not a sitter!!

It is so hard to express how I am feeling right now. Anger, depression, sadness, fear, pain… I try so hard to keep positive, make jokes, be the crazy me. But, this is getting to be too much lately. Sometimes I so wish my hubby would leave me and find someone who can be the wife he deserves and the mom my kids deserve. My heart is breaking right now.

Then to top all of that off, we had to pay 400.00 for bus passes [public school buses]. I figured our taxes should pay for that. Gotta love California and the Terminator. He’s terminating Schools!! Then it is going to cost another 400.00 + for marching and concert band!! WOW!! Just add more salt to my crippled wounds.

Ok, enough depression…I’m off!!

Blessings and Hope!!