I’ve been trying so hard to get out out of  the ‘whatever’ mood I’m in. I’ve been blogging [duh], updating my jewelry shop[s], tweeting and pinning like a mad woman… but I just can’t seem to shake the blahs. I just wanna crawl under a rock!

Tomorrow is the MSWalk2012 and I’m so not feeling it. My legs have not been cooperating. Even being in a wheel-chariot all the time the legs have issues. I’ve been getting the shakes, and from sitting all the time, serious ankle swelling. Not liking ‘kankles’!! 😛 Kind of sucks when you have to sit and then you get issues from it. **SMH** It hurts when the legs swell and embarrassing when they just start shaking all over the place. Hubby calls it ‘the rhythm’ and always asks if I wanna dance! Dork! lol I’m fighting between dealing with pain and embarrassment, to the guilt feeling of not going. My team, Tracy’sMSkateers are the best. They had a big ole bake sale at NBC/Universal yesterday to raise money for our team. Think they raised over 1000.00!! Woot Woot! I feel like if I don’t go I’m letting them down. I really want to go, but really not a fan of pain. I even bought a cute orange shirt for the walk…

I’m going to confess something I have not really touched on in the past. I hate me! I really do not like going out in to public due to the all the weight I have gained since being in my wheel-chariot. I was once tall [6′] and skinny. Now I’m short [4’4″ in my wheel-chariot] and huge. I have gained almost 60 pounds and I hate the way I look. I try to keep away from mirrors as I get depressed. I will take responsibility that I sometimes eat what I shouldn’t, but most days I eat right. It’s so hard to lose weight when you are immobile. I’m embarrassed by my weight, and prefer hiding out at home. I know the extra weight is not helping my MS either. It truly has nothing to do with what others think… it’s all about what I think. So in a nutshell… I hate what I have become.