Craziness · FUCK · Health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Stupid Stuff

The word FuCk…

I made this last night and posted on Facebook because that was the type of day/night I was having. Sometimes I will literally put my pillow over my face and scream at the top of my lungs. It really does help. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The word fuck has so many different meanings. It can be used for pleasure, anger, sarcasm, jokes. I will admit, it’s my favorite word. I’ve heard that people who are sarcastic and/or use profanity are more intelligent than those that don’t. I mean hey, I fully believe that. 😜 No, I really do believe it.

I’m pretty sure I did a blog about this sometime ago, but I’m too damn lazy to check. And I don’t care. LOL I feel if I wanna do the same blog post every fucking day, I can. 😂

I’ve been told to act my age, grow up, etc.… Fuck that. I’m 55, soon to be 56 in March, I can do what I fucking want. I tell people that I’m level 55 or 30 with 25 years experience. I mean, I’ve never been this age before, so I’m not really sure who I need to look to for age experience. My body feels like it’s 1 million years old, my mind is that of a teenager. I never want to lose that part of me. That’s the part of me that gets me through the nights that I don’t want to get through. 

I’m learning that I can no longer care what people think of me. I’ve done that my whole life and I haven’t been happy. I’ve been judged by so many people and when I look at the people who are doing it, glass houses… I’m done conforming to what people want me to be. Like I’ve said, I’m going to be unapologetically me. Those that do not like the new me, can fuck off. My real family my real friends will embrace this me. The other people don’t matter. I am still a work in progress regarding this. But I’ll get there.To anyone reading this, be unapologetically you as well. You’re the only one that lives your life! ♥️

Have courage and be kind! 

Craziness · Fear

Losing my mind

Since my last surgery in May this year, Im actually becoming “Tracy” again. I’m gaining back some strength and actually getting out of my ‘prison’ occasionally. I know I’ll never walk again, but if I can transfer on my own I’ll be happy.

this makes me happy!
this makes me happy!

Now here’s the kicker…when I start feeling even a tad bit good, I tend to over-do-it. Badly… I want so bad to be ‘me’ again I push it too far.

Some say the face of MS is invisible. For the majority of people with MS it is considered the invisible disease. But, for 5-7% of MS’ers I’m also the face of MS. The face no one wants to see or think about. Bedridden, wheel-chariot user, pain most can’t comprehend, and my MS list goes on. I’m the dreaded [badly] progressive form. So when I feel ‘good’ I want to do all the things that get put off. Then I crash and burn. And alas, I’m crashing.

I will get the rest that I need for a few days. I pray it’s only a few days. My last crash landed me in Hospital and then a 3 month depression. People, even some MS’ers, can’t comprehend the terrible pain and loss I have had. I hope with all my might they never have to.

Today I knew a ‘crash’ was coming, but I will no let it kill my spirit as I have in the past. Shit, my friend Stephanie won’t let me. Right this minute though I feel like I’m losing my mind. And, yes it’s spelled losing, NOT loosing! A huge pet peeve of mine. Sorry, I went off track a smidgen. 😉 My sleep is back to noooo sleep tonight. Muscles spasms and shakes are taking over my being. I think Aliens are coming for me to do some probing. Although, that may be fun…hey, it could happen. Now I really am losing it. Lack of sleep will make you insane. Trust me I’m there.

it’s all I have…

Now I will sit here in the dark with the light of my MAC illuminating my room. Will I ever find my peace, my center? I do not know. But, I will always be searching for it.


HELL · Love · Ramblings · RANDOM

Life is good – Randomosity

It’s all in how you look at it really.

As many of you have read, I spilled wax on my favorite pair of UGG slippers that were given to me as a gift from an ‘inspiring’ woman. No one can remove the wax. It was too much and too deep in the sheepskin. So, my heart was broken. Today, a Zappos box came. Inside were a new pair of UGG slippers. The only difference is the color. My husband ordered them for me when he realized the others could not be saved. I was so socked as my hubby is awesome, but never thought he would do this. He thinks my shoes fetish is nutzzz. lol I was also a tad sad as my other pair are from someone I so adore. I will not throw them out. I packed them back in their box and am hoping that at some point there will be something to clean them.


Last week I actually got new pieces on my site A Fabulous Flair . Since my Hospital stay I have hibernated in my room. So, I pulled up my bootstraps and created! It felt so good to get something done and finished.

Brownie Blues

One of my new pieces. I just love the brown and blue together! If you find something you like, mention my blog and get 10% off.


I also have gone through the break-up of a friendship. I have come to the realization that her ‘throwing’ me away was the best thing ever! I feel so much more positive and that old adage, ‘a weight was taken off my shoulders’. It is true, once toxic is gone, you feel so much better. The negativity is gone, the back stabbing and back talking is gone. I always felt so drained after speaking with her. Now, I am full! So, I guess I should say thanks. I wish her the best of everything and hope she can truly find her peace.



I would like to ask you all for prayers today. A good friend, BFF Kat, needs some good thoughts, blessings, prayers whatever you do. She had to put her doggy down last week which was so hard for her. Then she had to have some tests done. Something in the test was found and she has to go back for additional testing. Please keep her in your heart for a good outcome. She is an amazing friend, mommy, and wife. I feel in my heart it will be ok, but extra blessings can never hurt!! I loves ya my mini-me!!


Blessings and Hope!


Finding the light at the end of the tunnel…

No matter how hard life can get, and it can get hard, I always try to find the light at the end of the tunnel. There really is that light if you look for it. We can wallow in our pain and self pity, or we can look for the good. And, I know there is good somewhere.

MS sucks, big time, but I have it and only I can choose how to ‘live’ with it. I hear people complain how a remodel is going bad or how their kids are back home with them after college. Well, be thankful you have a home and the money to remodel. Be thankful your kids are safe and finished college. I would love to remodel my bathroom and doorways so I could actually shower alone and get through doors without leaving scratches or all out dents in the walls. Sometimes, I hate my home as it is not handicapped accessible for me. I spend most of time in my bedroom as getting through the doors is a pain in the butt in my chair. When I turn my chair on the carpet it lifts and moves, would love to redo that as well. Sadly for us, we do not have the funds to do this right now. BUT, I am thankful to have a home and have a roof over my head.

Again, as I have said in previous blogs, it’s all in how you choose too look at your life. Is your glass half full or half empty? I like to think of mine as half full.

I spend most of my days stuck in my four walls of my home as I no longer feel comfortable driving. We are going to get hand controls one day for my van [when and if we can afford it], but until then I am a ‘prisoner’ in my home. BUT, again, at least I have a home and a handicapped accessible vehicle for my wheel-chariot!

Do not get me wrong, there are days I get pissed off and curse this fucking disease. Ask why the hell me? What did I do to deserve this? I look at people able to walk and want to scream, “Do you know how lucky you are to be able to walk?” I get angry, depressed, and downright mad at God. Then, eventually, when I calm down I see the light. I see a husband who would do anything in this world for me and truly meant his vows, in sickness and in health. I see children who love me no matter if I can walk, be in the sun, run with them, or not. I see parents and siblings who would stop everything [and have] to help me if I ever needed help.

So you see, there is always a light at the end of that tunnel. I guess it is how you choose to look at it!

Blessings and peace!