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Too Disabled…

Well those are not the words that were used, but that’s exactly what was meant. I’m too disabled for the DMD’s. That unfortunately in my current situation I am more susceptible to the side effects. Because of my bedridden status my body is at higher-risk of infection. With my constant bladder infections it could easily lead to sepsis. Because of the cancer that runs in my family I’m more apt to the cancer side effect of Ocrevus. And, in a nutshell, it’s not really meant for the primary progressive form of multiple sclerosis. I hate being right. I knew that the big hype that this was the first medication for the progressive forms would not mean primary progressive. If I want to be on the medication they will classify me as secondary progressive… and that’s not happening. I’m numb right now and I’m trying to come to terms with this. I’m angry too. There are people out there going med free thinking that they’re beating the monster that is MS. In the background MS is still progressing and doing its MS thing. I’m scared for them because when the relapse hits, and it will hit, it will be too late for them. They are blessed to be able to be on one of the many medications out there now, and they’re not doing it. I understand it’s a personal choice, I get that. But MS is not stopping because they’re eating right and exercising. That’s not going to slow or stop the progression. That’s not opinion, that is fact! I’m angry because I want to be on one of the medications and I am not able to take one. And for me the side effects aren’t nearly as awful as the MS. I’ve had to be med free, I’ve done the good healthy eating, I do the exercise as much as I can, and I still progressed to being bedridden. I’ll trade anyone of you people to be on those medications. Do you want to trade your MS for mine? Yeah I didn’t think so.

Before anyone says get a second opinion, this is the second neurologist opinion. He did say to keep doing what I’m doing regarding exercise and eating properly. But he also explained that I shouldn’t get my hopes up because I probably will not get back the use of my legs to transfer etc.. The good thing is with exercising I’m getting what’s called muscle memory. That’s pretty awesome because it’s much better than atrophy. But it really is kind of a second gut punch to me. I know in my intelligent brain that I can’t really get back everything I’ve lost, but in my hopeful mind I wanted to believe I could. So I will keep exercising the best I can and continue on. I have to, there is no other option. I will not fall back into my negative mind. I will keep my new positive outlook going and fight through this as I have fought through everything for the last two decades.

The main thing I have to do now is to let go of the what ifs. What if I had gotten into a physical therapy straightaway when I fell November 2013?  What if my doctors had been more proactive with me? I can’t go back and change any of it and I need to let it go. I need to move on from here and continue doing what I’m doing.

On in a bit of a positive note I did finally get my x-rays done. That fiasco is for another blog. LOL I’m hopeful this will give them some more information in combating my pain. Right now that’s my focus. If we can figure out what’s causing my pain and get it under control I may be able to be in my wheelchair more. So that will be my next journey, the journey for pain relief.

If you’re able, go out and seize the day, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Have courage and be kind…

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Must re-charge…

Yesterday I went to see my neurologist. I finally got to use my new wheelchair.

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When the doctor came in the room he looked at me and said, “You look so good!! No one would know you have primary progressive MS.“ I’m never really sure what to say when I hear something like that, so I just smile. We discussed the infusion, the newest DMD (disease modifying drugs), Ocrevus.  He said he would get an appointment for me and the drug rep as soon as possible. He is very worried about the ‘serious‘ side effects. We all know that the medications for MS do come with very serious side effects. The problem for me, is my urostomy. I am prone to kidney and bladder infections as well as kidney and bladder stones. Because my immune system is overactive, it’s fights off some of the infection. If I am put on a medication that suppresses my immune system, I could very easily become septic. So I’m kind of screwed. At least he is giving me the option and I will be talking to the drug rep about it. Hell, I haven’t had a cold or a flu for so many years thanks to my overactive immune system. The only time I have gotten sick was when I was on a couple of the DMD‘S many years ago.

Then I did my normal, “I need prescriptions“. The main medication I need is the daily antibiotic I have to take, twice a day, for my issues. Rapture! LOL  and we definitely cannot forget my antidepressants. Without those no one wants to be around me. 😈

After that we went to Walgreens to pick up my new prescriptions and then we went and got some dinner. I was only up for about three hours, but it totally kicked my ass. Today I am running on empty.

Must re-charge

Sadly that is what MS does to us… At least the majority of us. It’s very rare that we can go and do things, and then be able to go and do things the next day. It’s very depressing, especially when you were someone who was always on the go. This disease changes is and takes away everything we once were. That is why we must be stronger than our MS. We must fight it every day, which sucks hairy balls, but that’s what we have to do. And we do it because we are warriors!

                           Have courage and be kind

** I will be back with my positivity journey very soon. So much love to all! ♥️

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To Live, To Exist

Living and existing are two very different issues. I believe most people just exist. I find this quite sad. In my situation I am only able to ‘exist’. How I wish I could truly ‘live’.

My life, ninety-five percent of it, is spent in a bed. I’m a prisoner in my own home/body and I didn’t even commit a crime. Constant back pain and edema make it hard to ‘tool’ around in my wheelchair. We can no longer afford a caregiver, so most days I’m on my own. Thank the Universe for my rescue pups.

If I sound miserable… it’s probably because I am! lol I know, not funny. The old adage, you don’t get it until you get it, is so true. I’m a realist…I have to be. I’m not going to get better or go in to remission. If I am unable to try the new medication, Ocrevus, I’m fucked. I talked to a department of my Blue Cross ins. regarding the medication and if they will cover it. I was told no at my neurons office, but figured i’d go straight to the proverbial horse. It may not even work, but I have to try. But, like my one blog says, I may not even qualify for the medication. That’s on the maker of the medication.

It is all bout the numbers, not our well-being. It’s more important to keep the percentage up then to get the medication to those of us who have severely progressed. The GREED that is America!!

For those of you [healthy peeps] reading this, just existing, get the fuck up and LIVE!!! Go on that trip you keep putting off. Wear that ‘dressy’ outfit to the grocery store. Play hooky with your kids and get to the beach or hit the park. Get out of your ‘safe’ zone and go skydiving… you know what I’m saying. LIVE PEOPLE!!! You do not know what tomorrow may bring. I NEVER thought I would get ill. I wasted so much time. Please, I beg of you, don’t make the same mistakes I did. If you can do it, do it now…

Peace out!

notdead

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Ocrevus – my thoughts

They promote this new medication for MS as the first medication for the progressive forms of the disease. Really? I don’t buy it. I was not able to qualify for any of the trials because,  as they explained, I am too far progressed in my disease. So, I was waiting for it to come out on the “market”. For my last blog, as you know, insurance won’t cover it, for me and many others. But as I did more reading I realized that not everyone will qualify for it either way. If you are too far along in your disease you will not be able to get on the medication. Why, because we will screw up their percentage;  Bring down the numbers. So really this new wonderful medication they are promoting all over the place is nothing more than another medication for basic MS.  It’s not a drug for the progressive forms if we can’t and/or don’t qualify for it while having the progressive form.

For me, being someone that truly needs it, it’s just another big hype of another medication that won’t help me. For those that are able to be on it, I wish you well and hope it really works for you. For the rest of us that are truly progressed, may God help us…

But, don’t hold your breath.

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Ocrevus – hope lost

For over a year I have been waiting and hoping for this medication. The very FIRST medication for those of us with the severe form of MS. We are the 5-10% that have had nothing available to help, if even in a small way, our progressive form.

When i first heard of it tears streamed down my face. Then we got the news it was being fast tracked for January 2017. FDA approved and ready. We know sometimes shit happens, and it did. We were then informed March 29, 2017. Ok, thats doable. I made my neurologist appointment with tears and such hope to get the ball rolling…

What ball, there’s no rolling. My one hope, to literally save my life, is in the hands of insurance who will not cover it. This drug slows and/or stops the constant progression the few of us with MS are burdened with. My hope was it would stop my arms from being taken from me, my hands, my sight, my voice, my sensation to touch, my ability to breathe on my own. To give me a chance…

I see people talking side effects etc, they will keep the MS if they can have the Benz!!! ARE THEY FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I will deal with the side effects, hell I’ll deal with anything if my Primary Progressive MS slows and/or stops progressing.

I’m out of options here. Once my arms go, I’m done. Yes, I said it… I’m done.

So a big FUCK YOU to the 1% who run the pharmaceutical companies. You are disgusting individuals and I pray karma comes knocking at your door… and she will!!

So, thank you, for taking away my only hope to save my life. May you all rot in Hell!

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