Like I said in my previous post, I’m numb. I was just watching a movie, and could not stop crying. Not so much because of the movie, but because of the characters. You know, being able to walk and all. I know, petty right?￼￼￼￼￼￼ I just want to be able to get up and do my make up and go to a restaurant and sit in a booth. (OK I wouldn’t do it right now, you know corona and all) I just want to feel my feet on the ground again. For 2,461 days (give or take doctors appointments etc.)￼￼ I have been in this bed. I know I should accept it and like a couple people have said, get over it, but that’s not an easy thing to do. ￼￼I just feel like everything is crashing down on me.￼ I don’t feel strong. I feel like I just want to fall in a hole and hide away. ￼ I seriously cannot stop crying. And it’s not just a couple little tears, it’s ugly crying.
I know, I know that I will survive this. But seriously, sometimes I wonder what’s to survive?!￼￼ I know logically that it’s taken me 2,461 days to get here, so good things won’t happen overnight. All I need to do is to be able to get into my wheelchair. You would think that would be easy right? It’s not. The pain in my hips I believe is getting better with each PT appointment, but the range of things I need to do I can’t do at my house. So then my mind goes back to Independence Blue Cross denying me rehab in the facility.￼￼￼ I know I should let it go and get over that, but I’m fucking angry. I am so fucking angry. I’m never comfortable anymore. I can never find any relief.￼ Before anyone asks, I am not suicidal. I’m angry! I’m angry at my doctors who dropped the ball 2,461 days ago! I’m angry at an insurance company who values money over human life!￼ ￼I’m fucking angry at rich people who have the money to afford the kind of help I need!￼ I know it’s not their fault they’re rich. 😜 I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog but I just knew that I needed to get it out. ￼￼
Then I read all of￼ these wonderful motivating quotes people do, so, when does it get better? I am moving forward. I am doing all the things I’ve been told I should do. I am trying to learn patience.￼ I am trying to hold it all together. I am just really tired of only existing and not living.￼ I miss being able to wear regular shoes. I miss being able to wear jeans. Oh you have no idea just how badly I miss being able to wear jeans! And oh my God, boots! I miss boots! I miss taking two stairs at a time.￼￼￼￼ I miss being able to see over everyone in the crowd. (6′ tall here) I miss being able to just put on a bathing suit and get into a pool. I really miss going to the beach. ￼￼ The one thing I miss more than anything￼, is to be able to go places with my kids, my family!￼ I miss me.
I can’t take off my warrior mask. I cannot fall apart. I would love to be able to let go of the weight that I’m carrying. You have no idea. As I’m reading what I have written, WOW, do I sound like a little crybaby bitch.￼ I am one of those people that￼ hate people that cry and complain all the time over trivial shit, ie. the common cold and such. ￼I really hope they never get something substantial because they won’t be able to handle it. But alas, then I feel bad for feeling that way because it truly is all relative to the person going through it. So then I feel like a real bitch.￼ Then I get angry at myself for being a bitch, and the self deprecation cycle goes round and round. ￼I just want to know why it has to be so hard.￼
If you’ve made it through my crybaby blog, thank you. I am trying to hold it together. I am just glad that it’s almost time for bed because I’m truly done with this day.
Have courage and be kind…￼￼