To literally and figuratively be trapped in your own body is tantamount to living in a horror movie. Horror movies are my genre and most days I feel like I’m staring in my very own movie. I wonder when I’ll get my star in Hollywood? 😜 That feeling of claustrophobia that feeling of been unable to move is a feeling no person should ever have to endure. Unfortunately many of us have to live this way every day of our lives. The Normies ( people without any type of illness ) go about their day in a bubble. I know, I was there once. While I was always a person to help others, by opening doors for someone in a wheelchair, by reaching things for people who couldn’t, or just to have a kind word for someone, the truth is I never really saw the person. I could feel for them and wish I could help them in other ways but I never quite understood just how it was living that way. Now that I am that person that needs help I realize just how much our country needs to wake up and give love instead of hate. I’ve had people push me aside in my manual wheelchair because they needed to get something and they couldn’t reach reach something with me in front of them. It didn’t matter that I was looking at something to purchase, all that mattered was I was in their way. I was a third class citizen that didn’t even need to be asked if I could please move for a second. Trust me that person never did that to anyone else ever again once I was through with them, but what if I had been someone that didn’t have a voice.
That’s the question in my mind every single day. How will I break free, or will I ever be able to. If I’m truly honest with myself I know that I will not get back what I have lost. I’m not saying that in a sad or depressing way, I’m saying it in a medically proven way. If only one doctor had said this to me I probably would’ve laughed at him, but it’s been several doctors have said this to me. I know they’re not trying to discourage me or hurt me they’re trying to give me reality. They don’t want me to get my hopes up so they’re giving me statistics regarding people with my severity of the disease. With primary progressive multiple sclerosis you constantly progress. There is no remission there is no 10 minute break. 😉 There is no relapse that you will come out of and be OK. You just continue to get worse. So now I’m trying to resign myself to the fact that my future, at this moment, isn’t very bright. As you noticed, I said at this moment. While I am a realist, I am also a dreamer. So I will continue to do my exercises, I will continue to fight this MonSter. But I’m scared. Even those with MS will, I pray, never have to be trapped like this. The disease itself is horrific but the thought of spending the rest of my life trapped in this bed is completely and utterly paralyzing. And I can say, with the upmost truth and honesty… I want to live, not just exist.
Have courage and be kind
Seriously, some days I wonder why the hell I even bother waking up. No, I don’t mean the alternative. It just gets harder and harder it seems, to be trapped in this bed. Three months ago I was at the point where I didn’t care anymore. I kept my self medicated so I didn’t have to think about being in this prison. But then, I got help. My mind set changed and I saw that there was some hope left. In a perfect world I would’ve been able to remain there until I could actually get up on my own. And no, I don’t mean up being a dancing fool, just able to transfer myself from my bed to my wheelchair. In this world, insurance would have none of that. 😳
Making it Through the Rain 