Tag: illness

FUCK · Health · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Strength

Be the bad ass you were meant to be!

Tracy6 Comments

I’m telling you today is already on my nerves. I got my bladder surgery scheduled and the pre-surgery doctors appointment. I did what I was told and called to get the pre-certification for the non-emergent transport, and was told my doctor needs to call. Now a week and a half ago the Young lady at Accolade called with me on the phone and took care of this for me. I think something must have happened because today no one will help me do it. Then, this weekend I received a new bill from my August 2019 stay and while getting my papers all together I found one I’d forgotten about. Previously I was told that my responsibility would be $50.90, but these bills together are $3000 and some change. I think someone’s messing with me. Am I on candid camera? Or maybe the TV show Punked came back. I know the wizard is behind the curtain. 😂

Trust me this morning I haven’t been strong. I’ve been crying a lot because it’s so overwhelming right now. This company (Independence Blue Cross) and their people are keeping proper care from me and making everything I need that much harder. it’s been a big eye-opening experience for me. I used to think people were exaggerating when they said their health insurance wasn’t helping them etc. I mean how can your health insurance not help you when you pay for that service?! Right? It has been boldly thrown into my face that it’s all about the money and the greed of these corporations. They have the money to put me in a top-of-the-line acute neurological rehab, but they’re not going to do it because that would take away from their paychecks. I am tired, I am discouraged, I am broken, but I will not be defeated! If they’re doing this to me how many other people have they done this to? And how many of those people did not have the strength or even know what to do to get help. This is what these companies do. They prey on people like me and their rent-a-docs run our healthcare without even seeing us or meeting us. 

So, while I have had a mental breakdown this morning and am feeling myself falling into the depths of healthcare insurance hell, I will not stop! this is my life! And I really hate when my mind goes to that dark place and I pray for karma to hit each and every one of the people that are denying me the life-saving care. I don’t like being that person. I don’t want anyone to feel the depths of despair that I feel every morning I wake up and realize it’s another day trapped in this hell. I wish these people would come to my fucking home. All they would have to do is take one look at my legs and they would see how much I need their help. Oh shit, wait a minute… They DON’T FUCKING CARE! Phew… that was a close one, I almost gave them credit for being human.



I am adjusting my sails right now!! 🖤

Have courage and be kind.

Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

I had so much hope…

Tracy3 Comments

The following is from a Facebook post I wrote exactly 2 years ago today when I was at the rehab Institute at Palmdale regional Medical Center. If Independence Blue Cross had not forced me out after one month I would not be fighting to get the proper care that I need! I found out that if they had asked to put me in a nursing home for rehabilitation they probably would’ve covered it. A nursing home!!! Are they fucking serious! You get maybe 20 to 40 minutes of rehab. In the acute rehab you get 3 to 4 hours. I am so angry because Independence Blue Cross took my life from me when they made me leave. Trust me I’m not naïve. I know it’s all about the money. Or possibly the lotto where they throw your name in a hat and decide who gets care this month. They don’t want us to get well they want us to die. I know I’ve said this before, but how can anyone consciously deny someone life-saving care. I just smile and the fact that, Karma is a bitch and she doesn’t forget. Okay… I got off track. 😜 Again the following is from my Facebook post from two years ago today:

I think I need to say something due to some private messages I am getting. What I’m doing is NOT a cure. There is NO cure for multiple sclerosis at this time. What I am doing is making me feel better mentally which is helping me physically. 💪🏻

I have primary progressive MS. Only 10% of people with MS have my type. I was diagnosed in August 1997 so I know what MS is and what it does to a person. I am not new to this. I was told from the beginning I would get worse it’s progressive and there was nothing I could do about it. So I listened to everyone and believed what everyone said. I basically gave up on me and the person I was and became MS. I feel the need to say it again, I know what MS is and how it affects people. I’m living it.

Some people say it’s hereditary. I’m the first in my family on both sides to have anything like this and I really hope it stops with me. I fully believe when you have MS you have had it your whole life. It just takes something dramatic or life-changing to bring it out. That’s my opinion only but that is how I feel about it.

I basically laid down and let it take me over. I know that my MS is progressive. I know it will always be with me until the cure is found. But I also know that by being in this program I am getting muscles back. I am moving again.

I cannot stress enough how bad I was before this. The last four years I literally never left my bed. The only time I would leave was to go to doctors appointments and that was rare. I was paralyzed from the waist down. My legs did not move for the last four years. When I went to the ER on January 16 my arms had stopped working as well. Only my right arm worked a little bit. On that night I made the choice to not end my life and to get help! It took me losing it in the ER at the doctor for them to finally listen to me. And the doctor did listen and he got me help and now I’m here!

As most of you have seen I am moving my arms now and I’m beginning to get back some of what I lost from my waist down and it’s only getting better. I am done listening to the doctors and to other people that it (physical therapy etc.) won’t change anything. This therapy I’m in IS changing everything! They know I have MS and they are working it around me. Last night I woke up and the MonSter that is MS tried to come through. I told it to get the fuck away from me, that this is my time now. This morning I worked through the feeling and I made it. 👍🏻

MS is different for all of us. But what I’m doing is helpful for all of us. It’s never a bad thing to keep moving. The old adage, move it or lose it, I learned the hard way that it is true.

So, again, I know this is not a cure. But what it’s doing for me mentally is completely amazing. I forgot what it was like to be positive. I have surrounded myself with negative for so long that I thought that’s how life was. It’s not!

If sharing my story helps even person, my journey (even the excruciating pain) will be completely worth it! 🧡

#MSWarrior #NeverGiveUpHave courage and be kind.

Anger · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Strength

Round and Round We Go

Tracy6 Comments

I’m probably the only bedridden person that can actually jump through hoops. Actually I’m probably not. I got an email, not a phone call, giving me the same information regarding non-emergent transport. Not sure he actually spoke with them regarding accepting Blue Cross as only one of the three actually accept this insurance. I completely understand why the other two don’t, as Blue Cross doesn’t pay! That in itself is disgusting to me. I was told once I found one that could help me that I should call to get pre-certification. Today I did that with the one company that actually takes independence blue cross. But alas, it is not I that calls for the precertification. I called the pre-cert phone number which took me to Accolade, not Blue Cross. Accolade informed me that I need to go through my doctor to show proof that I need an ambulance ride to and from my doctor to be allowed this service. You know being taken by stretcher to and from my doctors. Yeah, because everyone wants to go by stretcher to their doctors appointments. Are they fucking kidding me?! The Accolade rep did help me out by calling and taking care of all of this BS for me. The first person that actually helped and has done what they say they’re going to do. And she isn’t even a Blue Cross employee. As of now, I have an appointment on the 28th and will be picked up at 7:30 AM so I can finally see my doctor again. But, I’m not holding my breath.

I wish I could say that I am no longer stressed regarding this, but this is only the beginning. I need to get to my neurologists office as well as my urologists office. I had to put off surgery to remove all the bladder stones because of my inability to get out of my bed. Yes I will say that again, I had to keep putting off my surgery because I could not get out of my bed and was turned away from Independence Blue Cross for inpatient rehabilitation. I wonder, do I have to go jump through these hoops every fucking time I need to see my doctor(s)? Do I need to prove that I need to go by stretcher again and again? I truly am disgusted by Independence Blue Cross. ^^ Me, every time I have to talk to these people and every time I have to send an email when they cannot return an actual phone call. And I will say it again and again, how the fuck do these people sleep at night knowing that they are withholding care from another human being that needs specific care?! I will get my inpatient rehabilitation! I will get the care that I need! I will not allow this despicable company to be in charge of my health care over my own doctors!  People we need to stand up and say no more! We need to write to our representatives, call them out, acquire an attorney if needs be, we need to say… We are not going to take this any more! Do I seem angry, a little pissed off… You have no idea! 

Have courage to those who try to keep you down, and be kind!! 

FUCK · HELL · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS

Broken

Tracy1 Comment

I am really in the thick of it right now. I have not heard back from Independence Blue Cross, so I’m in limbo. Most likely I’ll have to call Accolade who is the go-between. We pay so much money for health insurance every year, yet we are not ‘allowed’ to speak to the actual insurance company reps!! 🤔 It is absolutely ridiculous. Independence Blue Cross is 💯% withholding care from me. How can that be acceptable? Independence Blue Cross is really a joke. The incompetence over there is astounding.

I’m tired… But I’m not going to stop… I’m broken… But I’m not going to stop…

Have courage and be kind! < The people at Independence Blue Cross should really take heed of that simple sentence. I really do wonder how they sleep at night. 

Ramblings

Sunday Sunday

Tracy7 Comments

I know it got a little dark in here last night. Sometimes when I’m sitting by myself thoughts pop into my head. I decided I’m just going to put them here when that happens. Blogging to me is an outlet. It’s a way to purge myself so I don’t lose it in my real life. Does that make sense? Does it matter if it makes sense to you? I guess as long as it makes sense to me it’s a good thing.This is my love. She stays by my side and makes sure that I’m OK. She is the reason that two years ago, almost to the date, I did not leave this earth. She did have some help from my beautiful friend Carolyn. That story is here and one that has no end yet. At least not the end that I was hoping for. Still a work in progress.

Today is a better day. Starbucks and blueberry muffins are the perfect thing to put you right. I tell people all the time, that it’s just a bad day not a bad life. I sometimes need to take my own advice. Today, I will!Have courage and be kind.

Anger · FUCK · Health · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Sadness

Weird Wednesday

Tracy10 Comments

I was cruising the Internet and this picture popped up. It’s not meant to be sad it’s not meant to scare anyone. But I’m not going to spend another six years and three months in my bed. Without help, proper help, I’m never going to get out of this prison have a bed. My ankles suffer from dropfoot and contractures. My knees haven’t been able to straighten in about three years. And my hips I can’t even get in my Hoyer lift because of the pain. This has been going on for a very long time now and nothing has changed. I really thought my time in rehab in 2018 was going to save me. I fought so hard I did so well, then nothing. How do people that are bedridden see their doctors? I know they can call non-emergent transport, then try to coordinate that with their doctors appointments but first they have to make the calls to make sure it will be approved. Really? Making something hard even harder.

I wish I could be the shiny happy person that people want me to be. But that’s not gonna happen. I’m angry. I’m pissed off. I get it life‘s not fair blah blah blah. You know the people that say that to me… People with no chronic illness. I guarantee they wouldn’t last one day trapped in their bed not able to even get up to go to the bathroom, be able to roll over in their bed, or sit up without help. They would break the first 20 minutes.

Tears! 😂😂😂 No, if you could read my mind you would be screaming at the top of your lungs for help. I am so angry and I know that anger doesn’t help. But when every year it just gets worse, sorry I can’t put on that smile every fucking day for you. I’m angry about people who I see complaining all the time about the tiniest little things. Yes I’m an asshole. I can’t sugarcoat shit every fucking day. I really just want it all to end. I really really want freedom. I’m so tired of being in prison for a crime I never committed.

Have courage and be kind