anger · broken · Darkness · Depression · Fear · FUCK · FUNNY · health · healthcare · HELL · hope · joy · lonliness · love · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · nightmares · Pain · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM

Broken

So this post might be a little long. And you don’t have to read I’m just trying to get out what I’m feeling. We are going to attempt a shower today and I’m already having anxiety. But I have to do it because PTA bed baths are not doing it for me. 😋
I just don’t want to roll over or get in that fucking Hoyer sling. It hurts so much even when I have a nice supply of cannabis on board. 😉
Some of you know I have another fracture in my back at L3 and I was supposed to see a spinal surgeon like last month, but I can’t. I don’t want to go because I don’t want to get up. And the worst part about that is, I really want to get up! I know that does not make any sense. LOL

Without help I don’t know how I’m going to ever be able to get out of this bed. But, I will keep doing what I’m doing like wiggling in the bed LOL I have some serious dance moves for someone who is in bed. 💃🏻 I just want out of it. But when I’m lying down or even when my legs are up and I’m elevated I don’t have any pain. So thankful for my adjustable bed. 🙏🏻 The minute someone moves my legs I literally want to die. It feels like my hip is going to snap and my leg is going to fall right off. Sounds like something out of a criminal minds episode. Childbirth wasn’t as painful. I will take a contraction over this any day. 😳


We rolled a couple of pillows and taped them and put a cover on to jam them on the outside of each leg to roll my hip as I’m lying down. Oh holy man! The first day I could only tolerate about five minutes because the pain was intense. But yesterday I actually kept them there for a few hours. I’m hoping that eventually I will be able to get my legs moving without pain. I don’t care what the doctors say and what my MS is going to do with me because I know if I can get rid of this pain I will be up again. I may never walk again but I will be able to transfer if I can just combat the pain. And thanks to my colostomy and urostomy I won’t have to worry about running to the bathroom every five minutes anymore. 😂 Statistically the odds are against me but I’ve never been a fan of statistics. LOL Do not tell my daughter that because that is what she graduated with honors in. 😜

I’m putting on my little arm weights more because I totally slacked off on doing my arm exercises because depression hit it once again. But my little inner child showed up and beat the crap out of depression. Hopefully it’ll stay away a little longer this time. 🤞
When things got really bad after my surgery in 2014 and I completely fell into a very dark place. The surgery almost took my life and at that time I wished it had. I think a lot of people thought that it was getting to the point where I was nearing the end. I felt it, I even had a doctor tell me my outlook was grim. It wasn’t until February 2018 that I woke up. That anniversary is coming up and it scares me. But it also reminds me that I can fight and can get better. I just want people to know don’t give up on yourself no matter how bad it might be! I have been to the depths of hell and I’ve tried to leave a couple times. For some reason they didn’t want me. LOL

Well now that I’ve written a book and I probably lost most of you after the first paragraph I am going to get myself pumped so I can take my shower and not be afraid. 💪👊

I’ll be back… Said in my best terminator voice. LOL
Have courage and be kind!

Animal Rescue · Animals · Death · Faith · family · Happiness · health · hope · joy · love · Ramblings · sadness · silly · strength

My Angel in Heaven – Carolyn B. Baker

Taking a small break from my journey to pay tribute to the woman, who I know, helped to save my life.

Madame Carolyn B. Baker March 2, 1948 ~ January 30, 2018

Her love, Splash, that she got for the love of her life, her God-daughter Barbara.

We ‘met’ July of 2012. Both of us were/are big on animal rescue. I was commenting on a post regarding some asshole rescue. I noticed two disgusting humans attacking Carolyn in the post. Carolyn was holding her own, [she was and will always be fierce] but I could not pass by without defending a woman I did not know…yet. I went in and began to rip these two asshats apart for their disgusting name calling and attack on Carolyn. Needless to say, we became instant friends. We messaged each other and soon would be talking on the phone. We saved many babies that ended up in the pound by cross-posting and annoying the shit out of people. LMAO

Her love, her God-daughter ❤

Carolyn was someone who loved the Lord and was not afraid to share her love. I had lost my faith and she knew this and never made me feel bad about it. She would always let me know it was okay, but she would still pray for me every day. She said a prayer for me over the phone one day, and I felt chills all over my person. People pray for me on the daily, and I appreciate it, buy I never felt a presence like I did that day.

From her page. Something she always said. ❤

I knew she was an amazing soul, I just never knew she was also the most humble soul I would ever meet. She never talked about her past. One day while on the phone, I asked her about a picture I saw of Ray Charles and her. She laughed a lil’ [how I loved her laugh] and said, “Yes, I knew him!” laughing Knew him… she not only knew him, she produced records for him. She was a Warner Bros. Record Executive. She was an Associate Producer and Talent Agent for the ‘Dinah Shore’ show. This is just a small part, and I mean small part, I nicked from her page:

CBBaker
TALENT EXEC · April 1971 to June 1977
Talent Exec:/Producer
Grammy’s,
Motown Returns to the Apollo,
Showtime at The Apollo,
Dinah,
Dick Clark Productions,
etc.
etc
MTV
Founding Principal · June 1979 to March 1982 · New York, New York
development and launch of channel
Developed Talent and Acquisitions Dept; set up acquisition deals with major labels and other content providers.
Carolyn B. Baker llc
Chief executive officer · 1981 to 1988
1977 to 1978
TALENT EXEC, Marketing Kool and Gang , Grammy, Emmy (music), Smokey Robinson show, Motown Returns to the Apollo (85)

I could brag about this brilliant beautiful woman for days. She deserved so many kudos in life. If I had not asked, she never would have said anything. Like I said, HUMBLE, truly humble. There are parts of her story that will remain with me. Just know that she was STRONG, A WARRIOR, and A GODDESS!!

I bet she burst out laughing after this shot!

carolyn

A few years ago her trusty Mac died on her. Times were tough at that moment, so I gave her my old MacBook Pro. My husband took it to work with him at NBC/UNI. She didn’t want us to have to take it to her, especially in the shape I was in at the time. Typical Carolyn. She needed no directions as that girl had been there before. 😉 She pulled up in her Vintage Benz, got out, went to my hubby, and hugged him hard. She stepped back, looked at him, and hugged him hard again. She told him, “Take care of my girl!” Now, for the kicker… I was so jealous that my husband got to hold her and see her, because I never had. ☺ We made plans for the six years we knew each other, but health issues and life always got in the way. Yet, I loved her like she was family, and she loved me back. In her last couple weeks on this Earth, she fought hard. She called me during that time and said, “God is good, I’m getting better. We are going to get together young lady!” Then, just like that, she was gone.

I will never be able to do her life justice. I know she is the reason I’m alive today. I know she was in my room when I came to my crossroads. I know she was with me on the day of her service, that I watched via live stream in the rehabilitation center. I felt her presence then and I feel it now. She was bold in life and she is bold in Heaven!!

I miss her laugh, I miss her voice, and I will miss her forever.

My Angel in Heaven

She once told me, “Girl, things always happen for a reason. We found each other, didn’t we?” Followed by her beautiful, infectious laugh.

Have courage and be kind.

CD · Celebration · dreams · fun · music

I love you Barry Manilow!!

I’ve loved Barry since I was a teenager. Such emotion in his music and complete love. I just added a music player to my blog. It’s on the bottom left side. The first song, of course had to be, I Made it Through the Rain. The main reason for my blog’s name. I was starting out blogging and listening to Barry in my iTunes. Then BAM, it hit me! Making it Through the Rain. I haven’t ‘made’ it yet, but I am ‘making’ it through the rain.

Hit play and make your heart happy!

Many moons ago I was invited to see his pre-concert, concert at Sony Studios, for his upcoming tour. It was invite only with maybe 100 people. They had it known, unbeknownst to me, that I would get up and sing, Can’t Smile Without You, with Barry. I am sad to say I did not do it. My one and only true regret in my life. 😦

 Oh how I wish I had said yes. I was wearing leg braces and using crutch canes. I was petrified about falling and having no confidence in myself, I felt I had to politely decline. **bashes head against wall…

If only life had a re-do button. Sadly, it does not. NEVER, say no to something you are able to do, because the chance may never come again.

But… The evening was so amazing. I still had the time of my life. Just meeting him for the quick minute is a moment I will never forget!!

Thank you Desi for taking me and thank you Barry Manilow for your amazing talent. A true fan for life!!

And look…

To Tracy with love

barry

Ramblings

Warm Fuzzies!

TY Jenny for sharing this with me! Sending you some warm fuzzies!

————————————–

The story goes:
Once upon a time there was a village. All of the people in the village got along very well. There was kindness, love, compassion, and justice. Every person in the village owned a special bag. It was given to them by their parents at the age of 3. Inside this bag were hundreds of warm fuzzies. Warm fuzzies were soft, cuddly, cottony little puffs. When you gave someone a warm fuzzy, they felt warm and fuzzy inside. People in the village gave each other warm fuzzies anytime they wanted to let someone know they were loved. When someone received a warm fuzzy, they put it in their bag.

One day, an evil sorceress came to town. She saw that everyone was giving out these warm fuzzies from their bags and she didn’t like it. She went up to one villager and said, “Why do you keep giving away your warm fuzzies? Aren’t you afraid you’re going to run out? Here, take this bag of cold pricklies and give these to the people in your village instead, and keep all your warm fuzzies for yourself.” The villager took the bag because he believed the sorceress’ tale. The next time he ran into a friend, he handed him one of the cold pricklies from his new bag. A cold prickly made someone feel cold and prickly inside, like they were swallowing a pin cushion. Soon all the villagers went to the sorceress and asked for their own bag of cold pricklies since they didn’t want to be the only people handing out warm fuzzies if everyone else was going to hand out cold pricklies. Once you had a cold prickly, you wanted to give it away to someone else as fast as possible.
The sorceress was pleased. Her plan was working perfectly. Now the village was in a state of fear and panic. Everyone started avoiding everyone else so they wouldn’t be given a cold prickly. People hoarded their small supply of warm fuzzies and didn’t give them out to anyone anymore. But no one was happy anymore either.

One day a prince arrived in town and almost immediately someone handed him a cold prickly from their bag. The prince, recognizing the cold prickly, refused to take it. The villager was surprised and tried again. The prince handed the person a warm fuzzy from his bag. The villager was surprised, and a little ashamed that he had tried to give this warm prince a cold prickly and instead received a warm fuzzy.
The prince addressed the crowd and said, “Why do you give each other cold pricklies?” One villager said, “Why should we give away all of our warm fuzzies? Shouldn’t we keep them for ourselves?” Other villagers agreed. But the prince said, “Every time you give away a warm fuzzy a new one is created in your own bag. Don’t you see? The more you give away, the more you will have.”
To demonstrate, the prince had everyone put down their bag of cold pricklies and retrieve their bag of warm fuzzies from their homes. He asked everyone to take out a warm fuzzy from their bag and hand it to a neighbor. This they did, but warily. Then the prince told them to notice that they all still had the same amount of warm fuzzies in their bags as before. People started giving away more warm fuzzies and noticed their bag was never empty. There were indeed enough warm fuzzies for everyone.

The sorceress was very upset and tried to interrupt the prince and get everyone to give out cold pricklies again. But the villagers didn’t want to listen anymore. They threw all their bags of cold pricklies into a wagon, set the sorceress inside it, and sent her out of town.

The villagers realized they’d learned a valuable lesson.
When you give someone a warm fuzzy, they in turn will give it to someone else. Eventually, it will come back around to you.

sharing some warm fuzzies!

Note from Jenny: Tracy, you have given away more warm fuzzies to more people than you will ever realize. I give my entire bag to you today~surround yourself in their warmth and just smile and snuggle.

xx, Tracy...