Tag: Depression

chronic illness · Depression · healthcare · mental health · Primary Progressive MS

The depression is strong today

Tracy6 Comments

I really dislike sharing these type of emotions because I know we all go through it. Today it’s different. I can’t seem to find my happy today. Most days I can. I’m just now getting so much more frustrated with all the things I cannot do. I know I should focus on what I can do, but quite honestly, that list is very short. I’m getting angry that all it would take is for my insurance company to allow me the time in a Physical Therapy rehab center. Literally that’s it. But we know it’s all about money. Independence Blue Cross is taking my life from me to basically appease their rich shareholders. I can’t even blame my multiple sclerosis anymore. It is so much more than that.
I get people who ask me well then how do you go to the bathroom if you haven’t gotten out of your bed in three years. I have stomas I don’t need to get out of my bed. And I hate that so much.
Just can’t stop the tears today. I have so much life still ahead of me, but what I’m living now is not life it’s existence. I get so tired and mainly hurt when people question why I can’t just get in my wheelchair, so I have to explain that it’s because my hips and legs are so frog legged that when I go to sit and my hips turn, I cannot handle the pain. When I fell October 10, 2013 that is when my legs stopped working and my doctors basically did nothing to help me. At that point I was in my bed, 80% of the time. Then I had the wonderful surgeries for my stomas, which put me into a two year depression.
In 2018 I really thought my life was going to change when I was in that rehab center for 30 days. Then insurance kicked me out even though my doctors said I needed more time. Independence Blue Cross said it wasn’t medically necessary. When I got home, they barely gave me physical therapy because again it wasn’t medically necessary according to their doctors, who have never met me or seen me. When I was sent home my depression was really bad and that’s when everything went downhill.
Most of you know, and I’m not ashamed of it, that I tried to leave this earth three times. Again, trapped in the bed is not a life it’s just existence. I think the depression today is because I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t feel I have the strength anymore to light it up myself.
But please don’t worry, it’s just a really really bad day today. I will get through it but I need to get it out because I don’t know maybe somehow someway there will be someone who will be able to help me.
I think that’s why it’s been really hard missing my daddy right now. Because he did have connections and he would’ve had me in a place getting the help I need by now.
And now, I will try and pull up my big girl panties and my boot straps, and any other metaphor for getting my ass together. For anyone that has read this, thank you and again, don’t worry about me. I am a fucking warrior, and I will pull through this!
Also, thank you for always supporting through the good and the bad. Again, I’ll get through this.
As always, sending out love, hugs, and all the mushy shit to anyone who may need it! 🖤

Have courage and be kind…

chronic illness · healthcare · Medical · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

They don’t know who they’re dealing with.

Tracy5 Comments

It’s been a long time, again. I did get a TeleMed with UCLA, which went quite well. I am still trying to figure out where, and how to get the MRI he would like. Of course, it’s insurance issues. But that’s another blog. 😜

I had an appointment, 12/20/2023 with my primary care doctors. We got x-rays of my hip, I had another DEXA scan, urinalysis, and a few other issues. I did all these tests and on 01/17/2024, I had a TeleMed to go over those tests. My DEXA scan showed that my bones are still really bad. I asked if they were any better from the original DEXA scan in 2020, but they didn’t know because they did not have all my records. That’s number one… Then we went over the hip that had previously been broken at the hospital, because that hip has caused me pain since the surgery. They had no idea that my hip had been broken. That’s number two… Then they asked me why I was confined to a bed! That’s number three… I’m sorry, but I’ve been going to these doctors for a long time and they knew nothing about my MS and that I was bedbound. No original DEXA scan to compare this DEXA scan that had to be done in order to continue the medication and get refills. And they have my records. How did they not know about my hip? 😳

At the time I should’ve said something, but when you have to be transported in a gurney, for me, I have no confidence and I would rather just hide under the covers. Also, at the time no one was wearing masks. I was dumbfounded. This is a doctors office for fucks sake. And wouldn’t you know it, I got Covid for my very first time, thanks to that visit. I went to the hospital about three times in 2020 when Covid was in its hay day and never once did I get it. That’s when they were wearing masks and sanitizing and doing the things that need to be done especially if you are going to be around people with chronic illness. I’m sorry to go off track but that will be another blog. 🤭

Today, 01/22/2024, I got up my courage and called the doctors office and said that I needed to know what the difference is between my 2020 DEXA scan and my 2023 DEXA scan. I told them I need to know if I should stay on the medication, or if there’s a medication we can change. They had spoken to me about Prolia on my gurney visit, 12/20/2023, and I explained being bedbound I can’t be on that as you have to be weight-bearing. That’s when they asked why I was bedbound. Really!! Read my charts. I said I really needed to know what the comparison is since they told me that my bones are (still) really bad. I have to say the young lady on the phone was very good and professional. She called me back after speaking with the doctor, and told me that there really is no real change. I then asked what I should do about medication. Should I stay on the one I’m on, since it doesn’t seem to help, or change to something else. I guess the doctor didn’t have any other information so she’s going to have to get back to me again. I don’t understand why they said nothing about my medication and if I should keep going with it.

I am trying really hard to stay positive. Since being told on the 17th that my bones are (still) brittle I’ve been afraid to move too much. If I’m truly being honest, I’ve been afraid since 2020 regarding my osteoporosis and having such brittle bones. I have four back fractures just from sitting up and a broken hip just from being rolled over for a surgery. Since receiving the call, saying there’s really no change, I’m scared. I think now I’m going to be even more afraid to move at all.

Now that I got all that out… I will keep fighting. The only way any of this will change is if I get the help I need. Real help, not the help that the Independence Blue Cross doctors think I should have or not have. I need to be somewhere, such as an in-house physical therapy rehab, so there’s people there that can help me and that will understand that we need to be careful because of my bones. I know it will never happen because my insurance will not pay for it, and my doctors sure as hell won’t fight for me. It will probably take 2 to 3 months to be able to get back in my sling to be able to transfer to my wheelchair. As we all know from previous blogs, that’s not gonna happen. Now I will have to figure out how to do this on my own. I truly believe where there’s a will there’s a way and I will not stop trying and fighting for myself. Today, is not a good day, but it is not a bad life. Always remember, hold on!

Remember, have courage and be kind! 🖤

Anger · chronic illness · healthcare · HELL · Medical · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

Long time no see…

Tracy4 Comments

Life has been crazy. I wish I could say it was the kind of fun crazy, but sadly no. I’m still dealing with Independence Blue Cross regarding my hip surgery and the subsequent hip draining surgery. Now my husband is also dealing with Independence Blue Cross and their horrible service.

Independence Blue Cross actually approved some procedures for my husband and now they’re saying that we are responsible because the anesthesiologist was out of network. Excuse me Independence Blue Cross but are there monkeys working for your company? Although monkeys would probably be more intelligent. You approved it and if there was a problem with out of network doctors you should’ve said that. When you’re having procedures/surgeries you have no choice as to what doctors/Specialty doctors are used. So in essence Independence Blue Cross should pay for this. It has happened to me more than once and they went ahead and paid for it after my first appeal.

The amount of mental anguish and anxiety that Independence Blue Cross has caused us is unfathomable. Stress is not a friend of multiple sclerosis and I can feel myself getting worse. This past week I received yet another bill from the hip doctor stating I need to pay $4300. From what I’m finding out it’s because of the Precertification that the hospital is supposed to get before the surgeries. I was told by Accolade that this had been taken care of but obviously it has not. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance and they immediately admitted me due to the infection that was brewing in my leg. This was an emergency… An emergency… An emergency! How dare they say you should’ve gotten a precertification. I guess the doctors in the hospital should’ve just waited and see what happens. Hell Who cares if the infection takes over and you lose your leg, you’ve got two right! 🤦🏻‍♀️ BTW, Accolade is the go-between so Independence Blue Cross doesn’t have to talk to its members. My morning has been writing appeals through tears. The tears are not from sadness the tears are due to unmeasurable anger.

I believe what angers me the most is not the fact that Independence Blue Cross always tries to make me jump through hoops… It’s that now they’re doing this to my husband who has never had a problem before getting the neck and back injections that he so badly needs. What angers me as well is the fact that Comcast/NBC Universal does not make sure their employees have better healthcare! My husband has worked for that company for 23 years and this is the treatment he gets. Independence Blue Cross is based back east so most things become out-of-network. You also have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to be able to get a hold of anybody because we are three hours behind. It is absolutely disgusting that Comcast/NBC does not have insurance in our time zone to better help us get in touch with people. I guess we better hope that nothing bad happens to us at 2 PM or after because they are gone and out of the office at that time. I really believed when a certain person called me from Independence Blue Cross that I was going to finally get the help that I deserve since we pay good money to have their insurance. But, alas, nope! That person stopped taking my calls. A couple words come to mind… Spineless, unprofessional.

At some point something has gotta give. What I do know is if you have other options in getting your healthcare and Independence Blue Cross is one of your options, do not choose them, run as fast as you can, because unless you’re healthy and you don’t actually need insurance, they are the worst company in the United States of America. Medically, professionally, customer service wise, employee wise, you name it they are the worst! They treat you with nothing but disrespect. So please if you have other options choose those because I guarantee you will have better luck with anyone other than Independence Blue Cross.

I know I always sign off with have courage and be kind, and I do have courage but I can no longer be kind to those despicable people. I’m now off to look at legal options because I’ve been told by many through my Facebook channels that I have some. So we will see where that goes.

As per my health and regarding my hip and the hip contractures that are getting much worse, that’s not going very well. Because Independence Blue Cross does not allow me proper physical therapy I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get out of this bed. That’s not to say I won’t keep fighting and keep trying, but it’s looking more grim as the days go on. So if there’s any wealthy philanthropist that wants to help a girl out, hit me up. I’m a good listener because that’s about all you’re going to get. 😜

Tata for now… Have courage always! 🖤

healthcare · mental health

Happy Freaking Holidays!

Tracy6 Comments

Independence Blue Cross has decided that it wasn’t an emergency when I needed the ambulance for my attempt on my life as well as the ambulance ride from the hospital after my surgeries to the nursing home. I guess I should’ve hooked up my bed to my husbands car and he could’ve rolled me over. Then I got an explanation of benefits saying they’re not paying for anything from my two surgeries and my hospital stay. I may be billed for $168,000 +. It gets better, I got my first bill for my hip surgery. But wait… there’s more, the ambulance company is sending me to collections because I haven’t paid for those two ambulance rides. 😳 I know that all of these issues are because of pre-authorizations and pre-certifications that were not done properly. I’m trying not to stress over this too much as I know it will all be taken care of at some point. Thankfully my deductible’s have all been met so I have no worries there. It’s just not right that we have to jump through these hoops to get the care we need. As we know sometimes jumping through the hoops doesn’t work.  I mean, I jumped through 1 million hoops and they still denied me the life-saving care of acute rehab. That type of facility is the only way I will ever be able to get out of this bed. I am not giving up. In fact, I’m just getting started.

I’m sorry I have been absent for a bit. It’s just become so overwhelming dealing with Independence Blue Cross. 

I’m a little late, but… I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and I pray that 2021 is kinder to us all.🖤