Ramblings · Silly · Stupid Stuff

Always find the funny!

I needed something to laugh at, and this fit the bill. 😂🤣

To those that see this, I hope it gives you a smile. We must always try to find the humor.

Have courage and be kind.

mental health · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

Letting go…

This is tough for me. I can see myself sitting up and moving around my room. When I see myself, I still see the kid that I once was. I have cried so many silent tears for all that I’ve lost. Believe me, I have tried to move forward and truly accept my new normal. It sounds easy enough, but it’s so very hard. I think the boredom gets to me after a while. It’s almost seasonal in a way. It feels like every three months or so I fall into a depression. I’m trying to recognize the signs of my downward spiral(s).

I constantly fight with everything that I feel I should have done when I fell in 2013. Why didn’t I scream at them for rehab, why didn’t I try harder, etc.? I’m learning to forgive myself for that. There was nothing I could’ve done as I’d never been in that situation before. My doctors dropped the ball. I’m trying to let go of the anger.

I’m going to discuss this with my therapist on Thursday. I think it’s something that has been festering for so long. I have to get it out. I feel like I’m all over the place right now, so I will end here. 🖤

#LettingGo #ChronicIllness #PrimaryProgressiveMS #TheBedRiddenLife

Have courage and be kind.

Fear · Health · Medical · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

You’ll get through this!

I have made it through a couple times where I didn’t think I was going to make it. I wish I could say that it’s going to be OK, but I don’t know. I’m trying really hard every day and hoping that something is going to give. I just can’t go another 6+ years in this bed. I’ve had to learn patience, which has never been one of my virtues. I really want to stay positive but I don’t see me getting the help that I need. I’ve been in this bed for over six years and my body has, well, died in a sense. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of hard work to make my legs go back to a normal position. Unfortunately, we don’t have the money or the good insurance to get the help I need. And in this moment in my life, unless you’re trapped the way I am trapped, I understand you’re not going to understand. I know, blah blah blah. I just needed to vent it out. I’m struggling, but I’ll get through this. I’ll get through this to wake up trapped again. But, I’ll do it because that’s what everyone wants. OK, that didn’t come out the way it was supposed to, but I think some of you understand.

My legs are jacked the fuck up. I can’t straighten my knees or bend my ankles properly. I’ve been stuck in this bed for so long as I sit up, in my adjustable bed, I get dizzy. My body has literally died being in this bed. Ten to twenty, and I’m being generous, physical therapy visits won’t do anything for me. I can’t sit up unless I have help or something is behind me. But like I’ve stated before, Independence Blue Cross took me out too soon from the rehab. I was sitting up on my own. But when you get kicked out of rehab and you get no good in-home physical therapy, it all goes away.

Yes I know it’s obvious I’m struggling. I just am not sure how to wrap my head around it all. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore and that’s what scares me. But I’ll keep fighting and hopefully one day it will take me to where I need to be.

I’m sorry if it’s all over the place right now. But I can’t get my thoughts in order so, there it is.

Have courage and be kind.

Medical · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings

We have to keep going!

We must keep going… I know that know. Although, it can be so hard to do. The home health nurse came over last week and now I’m waiting for the physical therapist to call for an appointment. We are not sure how many appointments I’m allowed through Independence Blue Cross. Sadly, it probably won’t be enough. Again, I’ve been in this bed for over six years. The damage done is much more intense than a few at home PT appointments. All about the money and giving their higher-ups bonuses at the end of the year. Meanwhile, I’m trapped in my bed thanks to, in part, Independence Blue Cross. they kicked me out of inpatient acute physical therapy in 2018 too soon, and now they won’t give me any proper care. According to Independence Blue Cross doctors, it’s not needed. My family does as much as they can, but without real help… I really feel like I’m going to be stuck in this bed for a long time. Unfortunately in the world we live in today, insurance companies run our healthcare. Profits over people. I’m still waiting for them to give me my money back for the transport services. With everything going on the world right now, we could really use that 900+ dollars back. Greed prevails… 😳

I’m trying really hard to keep going. I believe I will, but I just need help. My counseling appointment went really well last Thursday, and I will be talking to him again this Thursday. So that’s a plus.

I’m still feeling quite a bit lost but this time I am reaching out. It’s gonna be a long process but I have to keep going. 

Have courage and be kind.