Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Strength

MS Awareness Month day 29

I know that living in the past or thinking about the past is something that we should not resign ourselves to do, but I really do miss who I was before. I was someone who loved working. Grocery shopping, in my book, was one of the best things to do. I know, I’ve never said I wasn’t a little strange. But, laundry is what I really miss doing. And no, I’m totally serious about this. I think it’s all about the fresh smells, the warm clothes right out of the dryer, and even the act of folding things was fun for me. The weird thing is before I never thought about any of these things. I never realized why I did not mind doing these things. So I guess MS has taught me to look at things in a different light, a different perspective. Out of all these things I miss, driving is definitely the one that kicked me down the hardest. Driving was an escape, freedom, something I loved doing. When I lost that privilege, I was broken for quite some time. I could say that I will never drive again because at this point it’s probably true. Instead though, I can keep wishing and hoping that one day I may drive again. Yes, again I’m pretty sure I’ll never drive again, but it’s always so lovely to dream. 🖤

So as I wrote the above I kept thinking to myself, what I really miss is being able to do ‘anything’. We’ve been trying daily for a shower and it still has not worked. I did have a really good bed bath though, so I do get clean. 😇 We are starting slowly with my husband rolling me over on my side for 20 minutes to a half hour. It really fucking hurts, but each time it seems to be getting a little easier so maybe one day it won’t hurt at all. When I talk about what we’re doing my mind starts taking me to that bad place inside that discourages me. The feeling that it’s never gonna happen no matter how slowly we go. I’m thankful that I’m feeling it and acknowledging it straight away, but it’s still scary for me. You see, in my mind, when I see myself I’m not trapped in this bed. I see myself rolling over and sitting up and walking. It’s almost like a dream, but that’s what I see in my mind, my heart. I’m going to keep dreaming and maybe one day it won’t just be a dream.

Have courage and be kind.

2 thoughts on “MS Awareness Month day 29

Leave a Reply to Mary Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.