Tag: PAIN
Ain’t it nifty Tracy’s 50!
On March 12th, I turned 50. I told myself that on this day I would be able to stand up again or at least be able transfer to my wheelchair. Well, didn’t happen.
I’m sitting here, on my bed, listening to my baby Gatsby cry. When everyone left the house, they left him in the from of the house. I can’t do anything to get him in here. It’s killing me that I am not able to get out of my bed. I’m so pissed off right now!!!! Frustration Central here!!!
This was’t supposed to be my life! And for those who might say that life’s not fair… Fuck You! I know this first hand. The funny thing is that the people who usually say that, have no health issues or anything else for that matter! I think I’m allowed to be be pissed!! Since my fall five months ago, I’ve been bed-ridden, unable to get get up w/o using the 900.00 lift I had to buy, and utterly alone.
I do put on a ‘happy’ face most days, or at least I try to. This is why I have not blogged for some time. Even when I’m angry and depressed I usually add a dash of humor or attempt to be funny. I make fun of my illness to get through… but ya know, it’s NOT funny, there is no humor in this. I’ve been fighting since 1986 according to the MS specialists at UCLA. I’m fucking tired. I’m trapped in a body I hate, ummm, scratch that… I’m trapped in a prison that is my body. Try spending 24/7 in bed, relying on, begging people around you for help. No privacy, no independence, feeling like a burden, in constant pain. [knees, back, chest, shoulders, neck, etc.] Thankfully not usually at the same time.
Next month I go back to an MS specialist to get on a new poison err medication to try and help me get a lil something back. Those who know about this wonder why I’m not excited. Why? Well the last 4 MS meds actually helped and I got excited… but the excitement faded when the side effects were killing my liver so I had to stop. The more excited I get, the bigger the fall. So, excuse me for erring on the side of caution. I’m tired…
I truly wish I had something funny to end with, but it’s just not in me right now. Think I’ll take something to help me feel no pain so I can get through the shit that is my life. Call me the pity party Queen if you will. Frankly I don’t give a shit. Hmmm maybe I’ll go buy some shoes I won’t wear anytime soon…
BTW… being 50 sucks!!!
Time Heals
There are so many times I cannot put my life, my emotions into the right words. In my head it comes out clearly, but when trying to express it into words it comes out jumbled. I tend to use music to to let my feelings known. [as shown in my blogs more than once]
Many of the songs I post will resonate with others who deal with chronic illness’.
Todd Rundgren is an amazing artist and his songs show real emotion.
This is the Music video for Todd’s 1981 song “Time Heals”.
If I’m not mistaken it was the third video ever played on MTV, when MTV was actually music videos… ah the good ole days!
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If you’re bleeding,
Then everyone can see you’re bleeding
They can call for the doctor,
Who’ll provide what the diagnosis says you’re needing
Then he’ll take away your pain
But if your heart,
Your heart has been broken
And you don’t wear it on your sleeve
No one can tell,
Your hell goes unspoken
But there’s one thing you must believe
Time heals the wounds no one can see
Time heals the wounds that no one can see
If you’re crying
Then everyone can see you crying
And they all sympathize
But it just doesn’t matter
Though they may be trying,
They can’t feel the hurt inside
You can’t go on,
You’ve gone to the limit
And your life seems to slip away
You’re on your own
Alone you must face it
And tomorrow’s so far away
You got to hold on baby
Got to give it time to heal
Time heals the wounds that no one can see
You must believe what they say is true
It do’s wonders for ya, yeah, yeah
Peace out!
Another day…
The waiting for ‘the better day’ is taking too long. This lingering headache is sofa king annoying and cause me so much stress. The pain in my arms and legs is beginning to really bother me too. I learned last night that my Norco for pain is no longer for me. It helps with the pain in my body, but then cause me chest pains. [esophagus issues] Normally I can take them with no problems as long as I sit up for 30 minutes or so. Now, not so much. Was on the phone with my Ruby girl and had to get off quickly as I thought I was going to be sick. I shut my Mac and put my head down for a bit and the yuck feeling finally went away. Is it too much to ask for just one day of feeling good?
Now, too change the depressing subject… my bathroom is coming along. They finished floating the floor into a ramp for me. I did get a nice laugh this morning as my lil boy Dexter left tiny puppy paw prints in the concrete. 😛 I hope it does not hurt the tile laying! OOPS! lol
As for me, today, it’s going to be a movie day. Need to re-generate. As I type that, I laugh. All I do is movie days and lie down and rest. Such is life right?
It is TIME!!
I have been hoping that the hell hospital would actually care about how I was treated there. Not so much!! Yesterday I received a letter from their Director of patient and guest relations. A basic, “We are sorry we did not meet your expectations, the nurse has been spoken to, and in the future we hope to meet your expectations.
I never even spoke to this person and she didn’t seem to feel the need to contact me personally. I have not slept a full night since my time there. I cannot leave my home. I can barely exit my room. I have been living in my pj’s and sleep most days since my nights are full of bad dreams. Here is the new one from last night:
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As she awakens she feels pain, her arms sensitive to the touch. She looks down and sees small blood ‘spots’ from all the IV’s that did not work. Please no more. They laugh at her from the end of her bed. Their laughter is deafening and she wants to escape. Her wheelchair is no where to be seen. She drops to the floor and tries to crawl away from them. She feels hands all over her body, pinching, blood, laughter. Their faces are hidden by shadows, she closes her eyes so not to see. Wake up she tells herself, wake up, it’s just a dream, they cannot hurt you anymore. But like monsters under your bed, they will never leave. She opens her eyes, they are gone, she falls into the darkness…
March 5, 2010
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That one woke me up around 2 am. Falling back to sleep was impossible. I feel so lost.
All I asked was that they find a way for people having these types of procedures to be allowed a private area for the cleansing process. To re-train nurses for IV insertions. To take care of my part of the bill for my hellish stay. [which is not going to break their bank] Not to charge my insurance for the 1st colonoscopy that they knew would not take and the IV insertion that was not even in my vein. I was told that someone would get back to me and my concerns would be taken to the proper sources. This was on February 22, 2010. Yesterday, I assume, was my answer. A generic, Sorry.
I have left message for two Attorneys thus far. I did not want to have go here, but they leave me no choice. I guess they figure people will give up as they do not have the time, the energy, or the support. Well, I have the time, energy [maybe not], support, all kinds.
Blessings and Hope!
Hell Hospital – Part 5 going home…
January 29 – February 4 – Antelope Valley Hospital, Lancaster California. Second Floor East.
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Once back and settled in the nurse came into her room and said she was discharged. Her last meds were an anti-D, tummy pill, and a uti pill. Since she was discharged, no more for pain. And she was in some pain. The nurse tech, K, brought her some jello. [had not eaten much in 3 days and was starving] She had asked for, at least, a soft meal before she had to leave. Finally a meal, a regular meal, was brought to her. She had a few bites, but it was making her a tad ill. What part of soft meal did they not get? Bottom line, she was discharged so they could give a shite. After a mix up over a facet block she had thought they were going to do for her degenerative disc disorder, she just wanted out of there and fast!!
Her hubby had to go back home and get their van and her WC. Once he got back, he packed her up and got her into the WC. They said it would be a few before someone could take her out. ROFL!! NO NEED, I have my own chair and am out of here!! Her hubby could not roll her out fast enough.
When she got home she fell into her bed asleep for 6 hours. Upon awakening she had chills, skin crawls, and fear. Withdrawals from 6 days of Dilaudid IV injections every three hours and no weaning down, just sending home. It only takes 3 days to cause this and she was on it for 6. She wanted, needed more. She had Dilaudid pills so she took one along with a Xanax to calm her nerves. After some research on her hubbies part, he found out that Valium is used to help withdrawal sxs from this type of medication issue. In her case, she was lucky. Due to her MS she had Valium to help her sleep when needed. She took it from Thursday night until Monday morning for the withdrawals to finally subside.
Her issue is this, what about those that do not know this or have help for it? Even with the Valium it was a very scary feeling. How can a hospital, any hospital send people home without weaning medications down?? Irresponsible.
But that part of her nightmare was over, she was out of Hell Hospital, through the withdrawals, and home with the people who love her. She felt lucky, but what about those who do not have the support? What do they do? Who helps them through?
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This is the reason for these blogs. I will not back down and they will have to make changes.
I have spoken to the hospital representative and the head of nursing. I’m not sure what they think. They have not contacted me to let me know if anything is being done. I WILL be contacting them back as this is not going to go away. De-humanization, incompetence, and straight out uncaring service should never be tolerated. If I have to talk to the Head of the hospital, I will. If They need me to come in because S says it is not true, I will come in and face her with the truth. I am not under medication anymore, I am still having issues in my heart with the treatment I received, but I will face anyone who says it is not true. The truth WILL prevail.
I am finding me way back day by day. Will I ever be the same ‘me’ again, no. Being de-humanized takes part of your soul from you. Does this make me a weak person? NEVER! I will be strong with the truth and will do anything I need to do to stop this treatment. I will take this all the way.
I just want the ‘nightmares’ to stop…
Blessings and Hope!
***NOTE – my Dilaudid pills have been crushed and put into used coffee grounds to soak the med out and thrown away. After taking the one at home, I wanted them gone!
Hell Hospital pt.4a the Colonoscopy [2nd and last time]
January 29 – February 4 – Antelope Valley Hospital, Lancaster California. Second Floor East.
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This is the day I have dreaded. This is the blog where I will be ‘naked’. We will call the nurse tech in question ‘S’, so as not to use names. This blog, again, may have some TMI moments, so do not read if you cannot handle it.
And remember, “My tears are not a sign of weakness!”
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She was wheeled back to her room in her bed and slid back into the bed 4 slot. Her minded raced as she knew she was going to have to go through the another Colonoscopy tomorrow morning at 8 am. She also knew this meant drinking more of the cleansing drink. Bed 4 was the first bed on the right as you walked into the room. No one was in the bed 2 slot, so she asked to be moved to there as it was by the window and had a bit more privacy. The commode could be put against the wall, not next to a person’s bed, and she would be far from the door there. The nurse checked and said they would move her. She asked for them to roll her bed to the spot. One of the nurses asked why she could not just walk to the bed there already!! OK, Really! What part of, ‘I have MS and am unable to walk’ haven’t you understood since I have been here 5.5 days already!! Needless to say, the rolled her bed from bed 4 to bed 2.
The nurses got her all set up and moved her things over to bed 2. Commode against the wall, far away from all. In the bed next to her was a pregnant woman, approx 34 weeks. This confused Tracy completely as the hospital had spent lots of money in the previous years for a fully equipped Maternity ward. Not enough room at the Inn, so they shove this poor girl in a ward with sick people. [Tracy still scratches her head over this today]
On her mind now was getting mentally ready for the ‘drink’. She told the nurses in no uncertain terms she would NOT drink the go lightly!! She wanted the sour tasting drink from the 1st night she had to cleanse. It was not much better, but it was less to drink and she could stomach it.
There was one amazing moment, when her husband brought her newly 16-year-old son to visit her. She was in the hospital on his birthday [Jan. 31] and they would not let him in as he had no ID saying he was 16. He’s only 6′ tall and looks every minute of 16. Somehow daddy got him on this night. Even sitting on the commode, covered up, her baby hugged his mommy and told her he loved her. This was the one light in her stay. They only stayed for about 10 minutes as it was getting late, but that 10 minutes was worth a lifetime!
She had drunk the drink a bit before her hubby and son had come. Her cleansing [she thought] was pretty much done. Strangely, she was still not running clear. For a moment she smiled and laughed to herself that when the next time someone told her she was ‘full of shit’, she could say ‘yup I was’!! 😛
Her neighbor across the way awoke and started vomiting, badly. She grabbed the call button and told them that the woman needed help now. After a few minutes, she hit the button again, this time not really needing it as she is sure the whole floor heard her. GET IN HERE NOW, SHE IS SICK AND SEEMS TO BE HAVING A HARD TIME BREATHING!!!!! They finally came and helped her. Tracy was pissed off and disgusted by the treatment she was receiving and the treatment of others. She heard a man’s cries almost everyday for help. Was she in a horror movie, where were the cameras?!
At this point she was exhausted and figured she could finally get off the commode and go to sleep until the next day. She cleaned herself, got into the bed, and fell asleep.
She awoke in complete terror and humiliation. She thinks it was around 1-1:30 am or so. She knew she could not clean herself this time. Tears streamed down her face. She knew she had to hit the call button, but how could she? She was horrified and shaking. How could this be happening to her? She slowly reached for the button and pushed. A voice asked her what she needed and she said she needed some help. She could feel the burning and finally S came in to the room, to her bed. She quietly told S that she thought there was a problem. As S removed the sheets and protector covers she knew there was by the sound from S. S would have to go and get some things to clean her. She heard S making a gagging noise and a eeech sound as she walked from the bed.
She tried to hold back the tears from flowing, but after that she was fighting a losing battle. She kept apologizing as she felt so de-humanized and humiliated by this person. S came back with a bucket of warm water and cleaning cloths. She haphazardly wiped Tracy down quickly to get her off the bed and back on the commode so she [S] could clean the bed. As she got on the commode she took off her gown and fumbled with the snaps on a clean gown so she could put the new one on. S was more concerned with getting the bed cleaned than getting Tracy cleaned.
Again, she apologized to S. The comment back stung in her ears, ‘Well there is still a lot more to clean!’ Tracy took some of the wipes she had and tried to wipe herself in the spot she knew S had missed and was not planning on re-doing. By now she knew she would not get back into that bed. The fear was too much for her to handle. Once S got the bed made she asked her to help set up her MAC on the bed so she could play games as she did not want to fall asleep again. S leaned over Tracy and they grabbed the MAC and set it all up. Tracy was not to see S again!
The next thing she remembers is waking up on the commode [3:45am approx], legs numb, pain in her back, and her game over. Her bottom was burning from the negligent cleaning S had done and she reached gently for the call button. S did not answer the call, but the RN did. She took one look at Tracy and went and got a new bucket of warm water, cloths and ointment. She gently helped her to her feet, leaning over the bed and thoroughly cleaned her. Her legs, her lower back, her bottom. Then she applied and ointment to the burning area. Tears fell from Tracy’s eyes, she felt dirty, De-humanized, humiliated. The RN’s were not supposed to do this, but S never returned. [probably better for S not to return!]
After she got her all cleaned up, the RN got her back in to the bed, and gave her something for her pain. She tried to fight sleep, but she could not.
She woke up to a new batch of nurses, shift change. The NT she liked, K was there. Again, still not running clear, so time for a fleet enema. K was caring and compassionate and helped her through it, and cleaned her when needed. They had postponed the procedure from 8am for about 30 mins or so. After the fleet and a warm water enema, she ran CLEAR!!
This time a gurney came for her. They asked her to scoot over to it… Really!! I’ve been here 6 days now and you still do not get I need help doing this. OMFG!! Finally, with help, they got her on the gurney and headed to the GI part of the hospital. The two amazing nurses she had the day before were not on her procedure. She was very sad by this. When they came in they change the chart so they would be in on her procedure. This made it things so much better.
The next thing she remembers is waking up and the GI nurse telling her it worked and all was good. She was so relieved! They came and took her back to her room. By now she was hurting and a bit thirsty and hungry. Almost directly after she got all settled in, her hubby got there the Nurse came in and said she was being released. Nothing for pain, no food…
**to be continued**
Blessings and Hope!
Hell Hospital pt.2
January 29 – February 4 – Antelope Valley Hospital, Lancaster California. Second Floor East.
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Plumbers?! Yes plumbers! Come on in and see the women sick, half dressed, sitting on commodes, needing help.
I guess a sink was leaking in our room against the opposite wall from me when i was in bed 4 [sink next to bed 1]. So, men [plumbers] were coming in and out of the room like it was nothing. NICE!!!!! Try sitting on a commode with strange men entering and exiting your room praying no one opens your curtain. Or going to use the bathroom whilst holding your gown closed so your backside does not show. Humiliating!!
My husband told me they were talking between themselves through the wall into another room on the other side of the wall fixing that sink as well…REALLY!
What the Hell were they thinking?? Either shut off the sinks until we are gone from the room, or move us to another room while the work is being done. I truly am at a loss with this one. Cannot get my head around it at all. WTF!!
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Below are a few more pics for documentation of my bruises I came home with.
I have never been so happy to be home in all my life!!
I called their ‘Patient Relations’ today and am awaiting calls back from the director, head of nursing and a CEO!!
***to be continued***
Blessings and Hope!!
Ah Life!
So, the 4 day pain in my head has quieted…now just an agonizing throbbing. My neuro called in a script to Rite Aid for me and they said they would not take it over the phone!! WTF! By the time they let us know it was too late for Rog to drive and pick up the prescription from the neuro. All this went on I was sleeping, or I would have said to call CVS or Walgreen’s. I have been a customer at this Rite Aid for 7 years. They now have lost a customer, and I will be calling to let them know it!! rofl
Not much sleep last night, serious back pain. I’m thinking it is from lying down for the past 4 days or it may be an infection. UTI, Kidney, Bladder…one of those. Sadly can not go to the doctor as right now can not afford it. We have to pay 2000.00 oop before the 80/20 kicks in, then 3500.00 before full coverage. Thanks to an illness, that I did not ask for, and the greedy people behind Blue Cross. My doctor uses lab corp but they [ins] do not cover lab corp [Quest], so I need a new doctor now too. NICE!!
I’m afraid to tell my neuro too much of what’s going on with me as he will put me in the Big House! lol Then he’ll have them hook me up to some IV Solumedrol. He knows how much I love that stuff. I’m actually thinking it may be a good thing, as the pain is becoming too much for me. Thanks to Rite Aid, I ended up having to take more than one of my pain killers which dummied me up enough for the headache to go but brought on serious tummy issues. Ah, the joys of being me! [for bad serious esophageal pain, white bread de-crusted – pain is gone] Seriously!
So now I sit [back pain too much to lie down] wondering what today will bring. Sorry not more positive, bit it’s hard when life hands you all the lemons and your juicer is broken! 😛
Blessings and Hope.
Headaches and Spasms and Pain…Oh My!
Three day headaches does not a happy Tracy make!!
It is like water torture; constant pain, split second relief, you smile and bam it comes back. Then due to lying down for the past couple of days, my lower back is on fire, and that makes my legs spasm. Happy, happy, joy, joy!! My whole body feels weak and my parts will not work they way they need to.I’m drained an my body feels ‘floaty’. Rog said, ‘that’s cool'[gotta love him]. hmmmm No babe, not so much. 😦
I called my neuro as I am hoping he will prescribe me something for the pain[s]. My pain med. is not working [figures], all it does is take the edge off. Not acceptable. 😛
So just a quickie! lol Off to lie back down.
Blessings and Hope
Making it Through the Rain 