Fear · hope · lonliness · medications · sleep

What if…

I cannot sleep. Hubby is sleeping peacefully beside me softly breathing. I am sitting here with thoughts flying all over the place. What if  the medication doesn’t work? What if it makes me sick? What if I get the bad side effects? Then back to, what if it doesn’t work? I have waited for so long to find something to help me. I hate my wheelchair, I hate my non-working body. I hate MS!!! What if it doesn’t work? I’m so scared right now. I’m not expecting a miracle as those do not happen to me. I try to remain strong, be positive, keep smiling, hide the real pain. I’m afraid what it will do to my psyche if it doesn’t work. Will I find the inner strength like I always do, or will this be where I finally say no more? What if it doesn’t work and they cannot find anything else for me? What if by the time they do I am too far along in my disease?

This is an overwhelming feeling for me to be so full of fear regarding myself. I usually can put on the happy, silly, sarcastic Tracy face and keep on plugging along. But this, this is a huge breakthrough right now regarding walking for those with MS. I’m not complaining, I’m scared. I have a roof over my head, my hubby has a job, my kids are taken care, so I’m not complaining. I’m just scared.

What if...

It’s almost midnight here and my back is burning in pain, I can’t sleep as way too many thoughts are floating around in my head. My back pain will subside thanks to my meds, so I’m not complaining. I’m just scared.

I want to walk again so bad I can taste it. I know I cannot expect it to happen fully for me as my legs are pretty much useless, but even some strength back would suffice. OK!! Bullshit, I want it all back, but I have to be realistic. I’ll still have the fatigue, degenerative disc disorder, tremors, weakness, migraines, and all the rest of the joy that is MS. Even a little leg strength will help. Right? Then I think will walking even matter? I do not remember how and with my hyper-extended knee will I be able to? Shit, I need to stop over thinking don’t I?

I guess tomorrow, err today is another day…

Blessings and Hope!

mindless-thoughts · Ramblings

Memories of a love lost…

They were apart, it was her doing. Come back she cried. No, he was through. Her insecurities and cruel comments were too much to take. He tried to understand, but it was over…this time. She could not breathe. How could she live without him in her life? How could she show him it would be different? She was so scared, scared he would leave her so she figured she’d be cruel. That it was her making him go. She could not understand why he loved her. She was nothing, he was everything. He would cheat someday, didn’t they all. Now he was gone. Her love, her life.

They were young. She knew from the moment she saw him, she loved him. Tall, dark hair, hazel eyes. Her heart. But it could not last, would not last. She trusted no one. And her fears inevitably would push him away. She had loved before, but never loved to her soul. Her first love. Words spoken. Some can never be taken back. He told her once she made him feel important, loved. And she did love him, with every ounce of her being. But, now he was gone. He was not coming back. How was she supposed to live, to go on?

She’d smile and laugh in public. In private, her tears burned her cheeks every day. They talked, she heard him drive by. Run to the window, please stop. Her heart beating fast, anticipation. She’d watch him drive away. He stopped once, came to the door. She had someone there, no one really, but he just looked and walked away. She wanted to run, to run and tell him she loved him. Without him she could not survive. But, she stood frozen. He had said to leave him alone once, so she did. Letting go she hoped would show him how much she loved him. It was all she had to offer.

Months passed, he found someone new. A child on the way. Her heart broke that day. Would her tears ever end? Would her heart ever mend?

One last time, at a friends. They ran into one another. She tried to be so strong. She saw it in his eyes, he did still love her. But it was too late. As the song says, ‘Letting go, is just another way to say I’ll always love you so.’ She had to let go, she had to find herself again…could she. Has she now?

*********************

She has love now. She loves for the last time. But, sometimes in the night she sees his face. Did he ever really love her? She was told once, she was his first love as well. Then why was it so easy to let her go. Does he ever think of her? Does he ever wonder, what if?  Does it matter anymore? A part of her heart disappeared that cold day never to return.

Letting go…

Blessings and Hope