Another ‘no sleep in sight night’ for me. But I wonder…is it because I cannot sleep or because I do not want to sleep? I had mentioned a while back that the night is my haven. It is dark and quiet. [the way I like it] My kids call me momma Vampyre. I am normal. No need to get up and go. No need to do anything at all. The house is ‘asleep’ and I can be whole, if only for a short time. Hubby is buzz sawing in sofa city again. The kids [off school] are quietly playing video games. And, again the big dogs are sound to sleep in here with me. Life, for me, can not get any better than this. As I read this, I realize it  may sound kind of  pathetic to those who do not know me. In all actuality, it is quite awesome. I can hear the occasional loud ‘snort’ from sofa city, and the kids pop in from time to time to get a hug and tell me they love me. That’s wicked cool if you ask me.

If I was well, life would be sooooo much more different. But, I wonder, would it be better? Would I be happier? The initial answer is HELL to the YES!! But, really, would it be? My husband would have a better wife, my kids a better mommy.  So for them, yes, I feel it would be better. Sadly, we will never know. Would I give my right arm for my legs to work again, fatigue to stop, MS to go the fuck away…YUP!! Cut it off, no anesthetic, whatever, just give me back my legs and take the MS back!! Hmmmm, ok maybe use anesthetic. lol I mean, I’m left handed…

I have been watching a buttload of movies and get so depressed sometimes. I hate people that can walk!! Ok, not the people so much, but their ability to walk. I get very jealous. Yup, I said it, I get jealous and yes anger plays a part as well. I’m human, it happens. I’m also honest. When I used to pick up the kids from school, I would sit in the van and cry watching all the moms standing around and getting their kids. Some holding babies or their toddlers. I barely got to do that with my girls because by the time they were born the weakness got very bad. I was much too afraid to carry them for fear of falling and/or dropping them. Even with the boy, I was afraid to fall and/or drop him. By then he was 2yrs 4mos. It really sucked! What they did get, was a mommy home with them all the time. Helping with homework, reading to them, being there for them 24/7. So, sometimes I feel they got more from me than from the ‘healthy’ moms. My time was for them. If anything, hubby got the worst of it having to do all the things I could no longer do. Aw hell, it builds character! lol

I used to get mad as for years I knew something was wrong. I was dx’ed with CFS in 1986. I guess they figured a 6′ tall, thin, healthy woman, did not need an MRI or anything then.  I was working and going to college. No wonder why I was tired. Then I wonder if I had know, would I have had children? Would I have married? My answer, most likely NOT! It’s now a tad late for the what ifs. So, I just keep on keeping on and wear whatever mask is needed for the day. My masks are my protection from the world. Those close to me know when my masks are on [sometimes]. Those not close to me do not need to know. It is better for them they do not see the real pain behind the mask. My way of protecting others I guess.

As 2009 comes closer to the end, I wonder…will 2010 look brighter? I guess the real question is, will I look to 2010 as brighter? Just like ‘how many licks to get to the center of a lollipop’… the world may never know! HA

Blessings and Hope …