Into the Abyss

wallpaper abyss (4)


Love and Light

Fear · Hope

What if…

I cannot sleep. Hubby is sleeping peacefully beside me softly breathing. I am sitting here with thoughts flying all over the place. What if  the medication doesn’t work? What if it makes me sick? What if I get the bad side effects? Then back to, what if it doesn’t work? I have waited for so long to find something to help me. I hate my wheelchair, I hate my non-working body. I hate MS!!! What if it doesn’t work? I’m so scared right now. I’m not expecting a miracle as those do not happen to me. I try to remain strong, be positive, keep smiling, hide the real pain. I’m afraid what it will do to my psyche if it doesn’t work. Will I find the inner strength like I always do, or will this be where I finally say no more? What if it doesn’t work and they cannot find anything else for me? What if by the time they do I am too far along in my disease?

This is an overwhelming feeling for me to be so full of fear regarding myself. I usually can put on the happy, silly, sarcastic Tracy face and keep on plugging along. But this, this is a huge breakthrough right now regarding walking for those with MS. I’m not complaining, I’m scared. I have a roof over my head, my hubby has a job, my kids are taken care, so I’m not complaining. I’m just scared.

What if...

It’s almost midnight here and my back is burning in pain, I can’t sleep as way too many thoughts are floating around in my head. My back pain will subside thanks to my meds, so I’m not complaining. I’m just scared.

I want to walk again so bad I can taste it. I know I cannot expect it to happen fully for me as my legs are pretty much useless, but even some strength back would suffice. OK!! Bullshit, I want it all back, but I have to be realistic. I’ll still have the fatigue, degenerative disc disorder, tremors, weakness, migraines, and all the rest of the joy that is MS. Even a little leg strength will help. Right? Then I think will walking even matter? I do not remember how and with my hyper-extended knee will I be able to? Shit, I need to stop over thinking don’t I?

I guess tomorrow, err today is another day…

Blessings and Hope!