Criptastic!!!

August 20, 2010August 20, 2010 Tracy11 Comments

That’s what I am!! lol The past few days I have felt accomplished. Each morning after the kids leave for school, I’m up and washing the dishes, tidying up, etc.. Some may say, “Big Deal, ooh you tidied up”! Well it is a big deal. Dishes take a lot out of me. Trying to reach up and over the sink to get all the plates, silverware, and glassware is tiring. It’s amazing how a dish can feel like a 20 pound weight. I have bruising on the upper back of my arms from the counter. But, to me it shows I’m moving and trying to do things. I’m slowly trying to de-clutter. It’s all about baby steps. After getting all the dishes done and things straightened, I’m ready for a nap. 😛 When I was well, my house was spit-spot. You could eat off the floors. Now, not so much. One of my OCD issues I have had to learn to deal with… slowly but surely.

I’ve been on the Ampyra for almost one month. I’d like to say I’m running marathons, but not yet. Ok, never ran them when I was well either! 😉 Do I notice anything different, better? I want to say that it seems easier to rise up from my chair to transfer, but I’m afraid if I do I’ll jinx it. I am going to get out my walker tonight when the hubby comes home and try to at least use it to get to and from the tinkletorium. Wish me luck!! I have not been able to use it since my Hell Hospital stay. That place fuckered me up. But, it would take a lot more than those fools to keep me down!!

Sarcasm

It’s a Pity Party and you’re invited!!

August 14, 2010August 14, 2010 Tracy20 Comments

For those who do not want complaining, or moaning and groaning, or just plain bitching… do not read any further. You have been warned.

Being crippled sucks, and no tomorrow is NOT a new day. Ok, well it is a new day, but won’t be any different than today. I’ll still be crippled and still be pissed. If that bothers you when I say that, then move on. I envy other criptastic people that can ‘deal’ with their illness and be shiny happy, but that’s not me. Sorry!! I really wish I could, but then I look at my power chair and am slapped back into reality.

I had to do a hooker bath tonight. You know, when you get some towels and wash yourself. Yup, that. Then had to wash my hair in the sink. Luckily I have hospital type body cloths with aloe even. 😉 So that does help. With my shower under construction I have to use the guest/kids bath/shower unit and it is too stressful. Yes, stressful. My shower chair fits in sideways and trying to get my leg up and over the tub sides scares the shit out of me. By the time I get done I am anxiety ridden. So, it s easier to do it like a hooker does. Come on, you know they do sometimes, please!!

After the shower and feeling more crippled than ever I decided I want a friggen’ beer. Corona with lime to be exact. Hmmmm How to ask hubby [recovering addict/alcoholic of 13 yrs] to go buy me some. See, thanks to being crippled, I cannot just ‘pick up and go’ like most can. Now hubby has no problem doing this for me, but it bothers me. **He just called to tell me they only have regular Corona… bring it baby!!** lol Isn’t he sweet. Yes he is, but I want to do those things. I want to be able to just get up and go. Sadly my get up and go done got up and went a long time ago. The next time you get pissed that you have to ‘run’ to the store for something, GET OVER IT and be glad you can do that. Those are more of the little things I took for granted before I got this fucking MonSter MS! What I would give to be able to have to run all over the place and go to a job I hate!! lol

George_Bush_No_Strategy — This is just for shits and giggles!!

Sorry, but ya know it’s funny!! Thank God he is out of office… Shit, did I type that out loud. Man, I do need a drink!! lol

So, hope you come to the party. Feel free to bitch away. For those that do not like that, then you should not have read this blog, I warned you!! HA!

Blessings and Hope!!

Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Stupid Stuff

My Hororscope… or HoRRorscope

August 10, 2010 Tracy4 Comments

PISCES Your health may feel like a major concern today — so do something about it! Change your dietary or exercise habits, schedule a checkup or do some online research (using credible sources, please).

Now why didn’t I think of that!! rofl

Blessings and Hope!

Health · Multiple Sclerosis · Sarcasm

One Bathroom does not a happy mom make…

July 17, 2010July 17, 2010 Tracy8 Comments

Here is where we are at:

It’s a bit slow going but in the end it will be worth all the stress. I hope! lol The guys doing this for me work in 100+ degree weather and are beat after a 10 hour day, so coming by after work is not happening. And to top it off, they got their tools stolen at their job site! What fucking loser steals another person’s tools? I hope they catch the prick…I wanna watch!! lol

Thankfully for us we have another full bathroom.

The problem is me! Shaddup! lol Getting in to the other bathroom is a chore for me. My chair only goes in so far and then it is hang on and shuffle in. The bathtub/shower unit barely fits my shower chair, so I have to sit sideways. Getting my leg up and over the bathtub is comical in itself! Getting out, well I’m glad I’m still limber! All I’m sayin’! 😛

I must be spoiled as well, as I do not know how anyone can have 5 people in a household and share 1 bathroom. It’s making me crazy!! Seriously, how do people do it? Growing up we always had at least 2.5 bathrooms in our home…sometimes more. OK, I was/am spoiled. What can I say… I need my bathroom!! 😦

Hey, I know it’ll happen and the guys are doing the labor for free, so I’m content with it all. [on the outside] 😉 Thank God for medication!!

Speaking of medication… still waiting on the Ampyra. Fucking insurance, as usual, does not want to pay for it. Bet if one of their loved ones needed it, they’d cover it. ASSHOLES!! I will get it, just hoping by the time I do it might still be able to help me…

Ah, this is life!

Blessings and Hope!

Hope · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Silly

Clarification…

June 7, 2010June 7, 2010 Tracy4 Comments

No, for those who have asked via email, I’ll never become one of those ‘shiny-happy-people’!! ROFL

Not that being a ‘shiny-happy-person’ is bad, but it’s just not me. There will still be days when I want to scream and whine, I’m sure, but hopefully not as much. I do kind of think that ‘shiny-happy-people’ must be a little off though. I mean really, how can anyone be that way ALL the time. Everyone at some point has had a ‘bad’ day. Well, maybe if you are medicated and have no clue of the world around you it may work. hmmmmm Might be a plan. Bellevue hospital maybe? Think about it, room and board, food fixed for you, linens changed, any and all meds you may need, can it get any better than that.

But, seriously… I still look at my wheel-chariot and feel bummed every day. I’m just going to try and not let the feelings take me over. Not being able to walk is so frustrating for me. My mind feels like I can just get up and get moving, but my body says, “NOPE!”, loudly. This is something I will need to work on and learn to cope with. It will take time, but I will get through it. Sometimes when I watch movies, see people walking, I can feel my eyes tear up and the moisture roll down my cheek. Funny thing is at that moment I do not even realize it until the taste of salt hits my lips. The fatigue, the DDD, the tummy and colon issues, and all the rest, even the incontinence are not what make me blue, it’s losing my ability to walk and have the strength I once had. I do not think I have ever realized where the pain comes from deep inside. I’m trying to look and see my triggers and recognize them so that I do not lose myself again.

I’m hoping by working on my legs with the pedaler, and my arms with the hand job [shake weight], that I can get a bit of strength back. I decided on a 2 day on 1 day off plan. 2 days of the exercise and 1 day off. I thought long and hard about when I fell of the wagon, so to speak, almost 2 years ago. It was when I got to feeling better I over did everything. It caught up with me and I crashed. So this time I am going to watch and learn my limitations. Kind of like, on the third day she rests!! lol

Hope your today was a good one!

Blessings and Hope!

RANDOM · Sarcasm · Stupid Stuff

A Funny!!

June 5, 2010 Tracy5 Comments

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost
overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’

‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’

The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’ The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’

The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Anger · Family · Health · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm

What?

May 30, 2010May 30, 2010 Tracy12 Comments

For those not wanting a ‘pissy’ read, then move the fuck on. Sometimes life sucks REALLY bad. I listen to all your, waahhhh gotta tummy ache, waahhhh gotta cold, so you can listen to my fuckin’ waaaaahhhhhh I have Primary Progressive MS. Your tummy ache and cold will go away, my MS is only getting worse.

Part of my today is depression. Mama Jean has been gone for 2 years today. She was my Alanon sponsor and she saved me many times. I miss her so much my heart hurts. I cannot seem to get a grip today. I add my lil sarcastic quips, music videos, etc to cover my pain. Acting like life is O.K!! But it’s not.

My favorite wind chime broke today. So, having good tools and figuring an easy fix I took it apart and readied it for some Tracy fixin’. It went ok in the beginning, then my hands just stopped working right. I kept dropping it and that just got me depressed even more. WHY!! Fine, I have MS, but why the fuck does it have to keep getting worse. WHY the fuck me? And DO NOT say, ‘why not you’. All you’ll get back is well then why not you ASS?!

Most people can just get up and go, do things, parties, see friends, etc. I can’t, not anymore. Long drives, not easy. I have to make sure wherever I am going is REALLY crippled accessible. Just ’cause it says ACCESSIBLE, does not mean it is. Sitting in the same position for too long causes the shakes and pain. My legs swell and hurt. And for us, it’s me that needs to stop every hour to pee. Let’s just say ‘rite aid’ brand pull-ups rock. Oh ya that’s fun, being incontinent. Nothing better!!

Funny, not even sure where I am going with this blog. The need to vent here instead of at my family maybe.

I do not even understand why the fuck I am here. Life is about quality, and I have none. I am taking up air someone else could use. Please do not give me the ‘there is a reason for everything’ crap either. There is no reason for this. If there was then the criminals in prisons should be the ones dealing with chronic illness’. And no ‘religious’ comments either please. Faith left me a long time ago. I have my own personal relationship with my God. Right now we aren’t speaking. Well, I speak, but me thinks I’m on terminal call waiting.

I’m tired here. I can barely get from my bed to my chariot anymore. Takes me 5 minutes just to get up [sit up] in the morning if there is no one home to help me. So now we are going to figure out some sort of contraption that will hang from the ceiling that I can use to pull myself up with. Hopefully I have the strength TO pull myself up.

Shit, have no clue where I am going with this. Just needed to purge…

SWwhatever_mzt_ — who really gives a shit?!

Craziness · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Stupid Stuff

Thursday nothings

May 27, 2010May 27, 2010 Tracy7 Comments

Had our ‘The Padded Room’ show today. All about being a burden. We did get off track a bit, but hey that is real life on real life radio. We do not do scripts as that’s not real life in our opinion. So we just kind of wing it. We always find our way back, so it’s all good!

: even Borat gives us 2 thumbs up! woot!

So after the show feeling a bit blah, been a week ya know. Watched ‘Land of the Lost’. Yes, stoopid movie, but I like stupid funny movies. Anything to make me laugh. And there a few parts that crack me up. We also have a ‘Sleestak’ bank signed by Sid & Marty Croft. Hubby did the lighting rentals for the movie. It’s kind of cool and will one day be a collector’s item I’m sure. NRFB [never removed from box]

: in’t he cute…

Now, Scream is on the TV!! I love horror flicks. My fav is ‘Thirteen Ghosts’. Finally a good plot, not a typical horror flick. Scream is also pretty good in my book as well. I’m getting sick of the all the 1980’s horror flick re-makes. Writers want all this money yet they can not come up with anything new. Fire em and find new writers. And they are going to strike again? Assholes!

Lately all I want to do is sleep. I so need to get motivated and get some new things in my shop. I did buy a SHAKE WEIGHT… kind of like a a hand job for your muscles. rofl Seriously. Check out the vid:

Just trying it one night, I could so feel it. Although, I will not use in public! A bit cheeky looking and a lil pervy really! 😛

Anywho, not much else happening and my meds are finally kicking in. So CYA!

Blessings and Hope!

Anger · Fear · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Insanity…

April 17, 2010April 17, 2010 Tracy12 Comments

She can hear the laughter and can imagine the smiles on all the faces. It’s a party, a birthday party for her neighbor. She was invited, but she knew she would not go. Not because she did not want to, but because of the chair she could not rise from.

She cried in the shower so no one could see. She is mad, mad at the world. Her wonderful husband feels the brunt of her anger. The old saying, ‘You always hurt the ones you love’, seems to apply. She knows what she is doing, but she can not stop.

She is sad, she is angry. She hears the music next door. She longs to be there. She can’t. She knows they would move things around to allow her in, but she can’t. It is embarrassing, humiliating, to her. She knows no one would care, but she cares. So, she will not go, will never go.

She hides her pain behind her smile, behind her sarcasm. It is not pride as she has no more pride. It is her pain, her pain of remembering how it used to be. She will get through this, she always does. Or does she? She’s not sure.

Pain

Anger

Sadness

Hatred

Envy

She is filled with all of these. Want, the want to walk again. To be able to drive again without fear. To simply stand up without falling to the floor. To be able to hold her bladder. To not have migraines every week. To be able to sit up by herself without help or severe struggles. To not feel guilty for not being able to do things. To not feel pain all over her body. To be whole again. To not be angry. To not be sad. To want to live…

She is insane. Insane because she knows this is her life, but she thinks it will change. She asks over and over, WHY? Insane, because she expects an answer, an answer that will never come.

She…is me. And she wants to live again…

Blessings and Hope!

Craziness · RANDOM · Sarcasm

Thoughts…Ramblings…and Other Who Cares Stuff

April 3, 2010April 3, 2010 Tracy9 Comments

So we had our debut of ‘The Padded Room- unlocked and unplugged’ and we actually made it through. We do need to work on the sound for us, as we have gotten feedback that we are a bit hard to hear. Ruby is soft spoken, so why she is hard to hear. She is the soothing voice behind the padded room. I’m, well, not so soft spoken but even I came across low at times. I cannot hold my phone for too long as my hands go numb and get weak, so I need to find a good quality telephone headset. Add one more item on my list of things to do! lol But, all in all, we are proud of the job we did and cannot wait for our next show…April 8, 2010 on the Real Life Radio Network at 1 pm Texas time!

PhotoFunia-4cd8f5 — The Ladies of the Padded Room

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After getting some things done for the show, and skyping with Ruby, I started feeling a bit out of sorts. It was like a light bulb going off in my head…I had forgotten to take my anti-d for 2 maybe even 3 nights. Soooooo not good. And nutty me, we just discussed this on our debut show about depression and medications. It was one of those ‘slap me upside the head’ moments. So duh me!! Now I am back on track and hope to not forget again. I even bought a morning/evening pill box for my meds. I’m thinking the key is to actually add the meds in it and take them on time. Ya think! rolfmfao

Then, the coolest thing…my Sybil doll came.

It’s kind of hard to tell as it was a quick pic, but she is wearing a straight jacket. So awesome. She is one of MANY dolls from the Living Dead Dolls line. I now have 5 and am hoping for one more.