Anger · Fear · FUCK · Health · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Strength

The Strength Inside – part I

I truly believed that my life was only my MS. I was no longer Tracy, my new name was MS. For years I was told that with my type, Primary Progressive, that there was nothing I could do. I would slowly progress and there was nothing that would stop it. For some reason I actually believed the people that told me that, hell they were doctors. Basically, I gave up. On January 30th, someone I loved very much, passed away. I don’t remember much after that until February 16th when I came to a crossroads. During those 2 weeks I lost the use of my left arm, and most of my right. I had told my family that when my arms went, I’m going too. So on that night, with the only hand that was working, I opened a bottle of my pills, and was ready to go be with my beautiful friend, Carolyn Baker. Then something amazing happened. You see normally my dogs sleep with me. That evening none were in my room. At the moment the bottle touched my lips my beautiful girl, Soloh, jumped on the bed came to me and snuggled. I could hear Carolyn’s voice telling me to STOP, that I’m strong, and to get the HELL up and get some damn help!! I knew it was Carolyn that sent Soloh to me at that moment. She loved my lil’ PitMix. I looked up, and smiled through tears, and put the top back on the bottle and set them down, and said ‘ok, girl…I hear you’! I called to my husband to take me to the hospital. He said we could wait until the next day. (Note: My MS has tried to break my family. There is much anger because of it.) At the time, my urine was very very dark almost black. I knew I had an infection for at least 3 weeks by then. So that’s why my husband thought I wanted to go to the hospital. I didn’t fill him in on the real reason…yet. I told him, “okay” and I found an ambulance that took our insurance, and called. About 5 minutes later there was a knock on the door and my husband came in and asked me if I called an ambulance. I laughed and said, “yes”. He smiled and let them in…

survive

In this moment, my life has been changed forever…

My arms are getting tired, part 2 will be up tomorrow. Please stayed tuned. And, miracles really do happen.

Have Courage, and Be Kind

Anger · Family · FUCK · Health · HELL · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Strength · Stupid Stuff

Happy New Year 2018

65041E5D-1C67-4A85-B6A7-06D09B848B18

 I guess it’s better late than never. 2018… The only change for me will be that I will progress. I’m a realist, I have to be. I still hope every day. Yet, hope can become very paralyzing.  As most people now, I was diagnosed in August 1997. My second opinion specialist said it began in 1986 and that I am primary progressive. In reality I’ve had this my whole life. I was genetically predisposed for it. I can look back and see issues I had from the time I was little and through my teen years into adulthood. It lay dormant for a very long time. I guess when it showed up, it needed to make itself known by literally taking away everything I held/hold dear.

But, seriously, what you gonna do? I literally can’t “do” anything by myself.  I try to keep A happy face because nobody wants to hear the truth. And that’s OK, I probably wouldn’t want to hear it either. So really, what are you gonna do when you end up like this. Basically you just have to take it. I cry so much I could end the drought. 😂  No, seriously, I could. LOL You just have to find the humor.

It’s just that some days there is no humor to be found. It’s been four years and three months now that I have been confined to a bed. I get up for doctors appointments and for showers and that’s about it. The pain is so intense that if I sit for too long… I’m better off in bed.

That’s all I have right now. Happy fucking new year! I’ve just got nothing.

Peace ✌️

 

 

Anger · Health · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

When?

 Primary progressive multiple sclerosis, end stage. There is no medication for it, there is no remission, there is no cure. So when do you say enough?

 I lie in my bed 24 hours a day seven days a week. When I do get into my wheelchair the pain is so bad I can’t sit for more than 30 minutes to an hour. So I don’t get it my wheelchair. Even lying in my bed I have pain constantly.

 I no longer have the caregiver as I cannot afford one. Hospice won’t even take me. They don’t consider what I have terminal. I guess it’s OK that I live another 20 years lying in a bed in constant pain. If that’s not terminal  I don’t know what is.  Fuck you hospice!

 Dr. Kevorkian  knew what my type of illness did to a person. He helped them die with dignity before they became so bad that they could do nothing for themselves.  I’m already there I can literally do nothing for myself. Except talk text and look at my phone and use a remote control to watch endless hours of television until my brain goes numb.

 I have a hard time holding utensils now. But I guess it’s OK if I just become a head in a bed that is in constant pain. People say tomorrow’s another day.  Not for me, tomorrow is the same thing, every day for the rest of my life.

 The new so-called medication for progressive MS is a big farce. Maybe it will help secondary progressive but that’s not even in the same league as primary progressive. Ocrevus, The manufacturer, when I called them basically told me I’m too far gone. On the disability scale I’m an 8.2. So I can’t take the medication. But they don’t really give you a reason why.

 I’m not looking for pity I’m not looking for any ones I’m sorry’s, I’m bringing about awareness to a disease that is looked at as a basic, oh well you have MS, disease.  It’s not basic it’s like living in hell.

I’m off, as I can barely talk without crying anymore. I just want to  have some control over my own life and not die a rotting shell of the person I once was.

Health · Hope · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS

Possible Multiple Sclerosis Breakthrough…Not

 Update: this is why I don’t get my hopes up. Just found out this is another media hype or as I like to call it a hoax. It’s very sad playing with us like this.

————–

I won’t hold my breath, but please make it so!

Always hoping

——————————————————

Breakthrough in multiple sclerosis research as scientists discover possible cause of the disease

 Scientists found a protein called Rab32 in the brains of people with MS

Telegraph Reporters

24 April 2017 • 12:01am

British scientists have discovered a potential cause for multiple sclerosis, in a major breakthrough that could pave the way for new treatments for the disease.

Scientists have found a new cellular mechanism which may cause the autoimmune disorder. Multiple sclerosis affects around 2.5 million people around the world.

Typically, people are diagnosed in their 20s and 30s, and it is more common in women than men.

Although the cause has so far been a mystery, the disease causes the body’s own immune system to attack myelin – the fatty “sheaths” which protect nerves in the brain and spinal cord.

This leads to brain damage, a reduction in blood supply and oxygen and the formation of lesions in the body.

Our exciting new findings have uncovered a new avenue for researchers to explore. It is a critical step, and in time, we hope it might lead to effective new treatments for MSProfessor Paul Eggleton

Symptoms can be wide-ranging, and can include muscle spasms, mobility problems, pain, fatigue, and problems with speech.

Scientists have long suspected that mitochondria, the energy-creating “powerhouse” of the cell, plays a link in causing multiple sclerosis.

Using human brain tissue samples, researchers at the Universities of Exeter and Alberta found a protein called Rab32 is present in large quantities in the brains of people with MS – but is virtually absent in healthy brain cells.

Where Rab32 is present, the team discovered that a part of the cell which stores calcium gets too close to the mitochondria.

The resulting miscommunication with the calcium supply triggers the mitochondria to misbehave, ultimately causing toxicity for brain cells in people with MS.

Researchers do not yet know what causes an unwelcome influx of Rab32 but they believe the defect could originate at the base of the celThe finding will enable scientists to search for effective treatments that target Rab32 and embark on determining whether there are other proteins which could pay a role in triggering MS.

Professor Paul Eggleton, of the University of Exeter Medical School, said: “Multiple sclerosis can have a devastating impact on people’s lives, affecting mobility, speech, mental ability and more.

“So far, all medicine can offer is treatment and therapy for the symptoms – as we do not yet know the precise causes, research has been limited.

“Our exciting new findings have uncovered a new avenue for researchers to explore. It is a critical step, and in time, we hope it might lead to effective new treatments for MS.

The research has been published as part of MS Awareness Week. Dr David Schley, from the MS Society, said: “No-one knows for sure why people develop MS and we welcome any research that increases our understanding of how to stop it.

“There are currently no treatments available for many of the more than 100,000 people in the UK who live with this challenging and unpredictable condition.

“We want people with MS to have a range of treatments to choose from, and be able to get the right treatment at the right time.”

Trish Deykin, who suffers from MS, welcomed the research.

She said: “Finding a cause will help everyone who has MS – even if that’s just knowing more about what’s going on in their own brains.”

The paper, Rab32 connects ER stress to mitochondrial defects in multiple sclerosis, is published in the journal Neuroinflammation.

Fear · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Religion

Why do we blog?

Really, why do we? Why do so many put their thoughts and emotions out the for the world to ‘read’? For me, it breaks the monotony of my daily bed-ridden life. It allows me to bitch, if you will, at the world and not my family. lol I have a story, it may not be much to some, but it’s my life. I hope that in some small way others in my position can find some hope, or at least have a laugh.

Even in my more depressing blogs, I think it helps others to know they are not alone. It’s ok to cry, scream, and lose it… once in a while. 🙂 We don’t always have to ‘hold’ it together and be strong every second. Sometimes a good cry is cleansing for the soul, and I’m talking ugly crying! lol

I also hope to bring awareness to others on how we can fight back against those who try to hurt us. Hospital treatment and the treatment we sometimes have to endure by big companies, i.e.; Insurance Companies, and big Pharma. We have to be tough and find our inner strength so these people do not run over us like we are nothing.

We are the strong. We deal with more in one day than most deal with in their lifetime. We smile through the pain, the losses, and the inhumanity of some. So believe it, we are the true Warriors!!

There are days I want to give up. There was a time, not long ago, I tried… When I awoke I was angry, I wanted to be free. Then I realized, maybe I am here for a reason. If I am able to help even just one person, maybe that’s why I am still here. I’ll be honest, the thoughts linger in my head every day. I fight like hell to never let them ‘almost’ get me again. It has nothing to do with any God or higher power. It’s my will, my power and inner child that keeps me going. We all have the inner child of strength. I truly hope you can find yours and hold on tight.

Love and Light to all

Anger · Animal Rescue · Fear · Health · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

To Live, To Exist

Living and existing are two very different issues. I believe most people just exist. I find this quite sad. In my situation I am only able to ‘exist’. How I wish I could truly ‘live’.

My life, ninety-five percent of it, is spent in a bed. I’m a prisoner in my own home/body and I didn’t even commit a crime. Constant back pain and edema make it hard to ‘tool’ around in my wheelchair. We can no longer afford a caregiver, so most days I’m on my own. Thank the Universe for my rescue pups.

If I sound miserable… it’s probably because I am! lol I know, not funny. The old adage, you don’t get it until you get it, is so true. I’m a realist…I have to be. I’m not going to get better or go in to remission. If I am unable to try the new medication, Ocrevus, I’m fucked. I talked to a department of my Blue Cross ins. regarding the medication and if they will cover it. I was told no at my neurons office, but figured i’d go straight to the proverbial horse. It may not even work, but I have to try. But, like my one blog says, I may not even qualify for the medication. That’s on the maker of the medication.

It is all bout the numbers, not our well-being. It’s more important to keep the percentage up then to get the medication to those of us who have severely progressed. The GREED that is America!!

For those of you [healthy peeps] reading this, just existing, get the fuck up and LIVE!!! Go on that trip you keep putting off. Wear that ‘dressy’ outfit to the grocery store. Play hooky with your kids and get to the beach or hit the park. Get out of your ‘safe’ zone and go skydiving… you know what I’m saying. LIVE PEOPLE!!! You do not know what tomorrow may bring. I NEVER thought I would get ill. I wasted so much time. Please, I beg of you, don’t make the same mistakes I did. If you can do it, do it now…

Peace out!

notdead

Anger · Fear · FUCK · Health · HELL · Medical · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

Ocrevus – my thoughts

They promote this new medication for MS as the first medication for the progressive forms of the disease. Really? I don’t buy it. I was not able to qualify for any of the trials because,  as they explained, I am too far progressed in my disease. So, I was waiting for it to come out on the “market”. For my last blog, as you know, insurance won’t cover it, for me and many others. But as I did more reading I realized that not everyone will qualify for it either way. If you are too far along in your disease you will not be able to get on the medication. Why, because we will screw up their percentage;  Bring down the numbers. So really this new wonderful medication they are promoting all over the place is nothing more than another medication for basic MS.  It’s not a drug for the progressive forms if we can’t and/or don’t qualify for it while having the progressive form.

For me, being someone that truly needs it, it’s just another big hype of another medication that won’t help me. For those that are able to be on it, I wish you well and hope it really works for you. For the rest of us that are truly progressed, may God help us…

But, don’t hold your breath.

Anger · Fear · FUCK · Health · HELL · Hope · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

Ocrevus – hope lost

For over a year I have been waiting and hoping for this medication. The very FIRST medication for those of us with the severe form of MS. We are the 5-10% that have had nothing available to help, if even in a small way, our progressive form.

When i first heard of it tears streamed down my face. Then we got the news it was being fast tracked for January 2017. FDA approved and ready. We know sometimes shit happens, and it did. We were then informed March 29, 2017. Ok, thats doable. I made my neurologist appointment with tears and such hope to get the ball rolling…

What ball, there’s no rolling. My one hope, to literally save my life, is in the hands of insurance who will not cover it. This drug slows and/or stops the constant progression the few of us with MS are burdened with. My hope was it would stop my arms from being taken from me, my hands, my sight, my voice, my sensation to touch, my ability to breathe on my own. To give me a chance…

I see people talking side effects etc, they will keep the MS if they can have the Benz!!! ARE THEY FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I will deal with the side effects, hell I’ll deal with anything if my Primary Progressive MS slows and/or stops progressing.

I’m out of options here. Once my arms go, I’m done. Yes, I said it… I’m done.

So a big FUCK YOU to the 1% who run the pharmaceutical companies. You are disgusting individuals and I pray karma comes knocking at your door… and she will!!

So, thank you, for taking away my only hope to save my life. May you all rot in Hell!

ocvrevusjoke

Craziness · Multiple Sclerosis · Music · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Silly

Games people play whilst painting

I know, two blogs – one day.

Just a mellow check in. lol Mellow, as in me… mellow. Listening to an amazing mix my daughter Ashley made for me. Playing games on FB. I found some I forgot I had. Bubble Witch Saga for one. It’s fun. I’ve been playing it for over and hour. It has me mesmerized.

It’s 1:30 am and, as usual, no sleep in sight. To medicate, or not to medicate? That is the question. At this point, I’m not even sure of the question. Are you? Doubt it.

I really need my room painted something other than white. Some fun colors to match my personality. And no, not black. lmao Although…

paint

My daughter Shelby is itching to paint the interior. I explained the concept of money to her, and explained that we have none. 😛 Yet, it would be a nice change for me. Believe me, I need some change. Feel free to donate to, the help me paint house fund. [donate button on the left] 😉 I actually want my room in pale grays/blue colors. Muted and simple. The rest of the house in light mochas. The girls painted their own rooms in the colors they wanted. Turned out wonderfully. The boy hasn’t painted his room yet. I’m thinking black. Just kidding… or am I.

I’m kinda thinking being up most of the night is okay for me. Not sleeping may be the way my mind is protecting me. Let me explain; during the day people are bustling. I hear cars going by and read about fun things people do. I feel I’m missing out on life. At night, my house is quiet, the road is quiet. Most are in bed, like me. So, by sleeping in the afternoon, I sleep through the sadness of dreaming of lives I will not lead. Being awake at night, the house is quiet, the road is still. I can take it all in and not feel broken. I know, it sounds quite mad. It’s just hard to put to words. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. go.figure.

Do you ever hear a song that takes you back to a time and place forever in your heart? Does your heart ache? I literally either cry for a loss, laugh at fun time, or get ‘oh Hell no’ angry. lol Listening to music is one of the things that keep me sane.

2:15 am and all is Unwell. Love that song.

Back to my games! Peace!