This must’ve been written for me…
I’ve been dead inside for years. 

I realized today waking up at 12:30 PM that there’s no real reason for me to wake up. I do nothing all day but watch TV, play games on my phone, and watch people living their lives on on social media sites… and I continue to lie in this bed. Six long years going on seven. Is that really living?
Have courage and be kind…
My MonSter is relentless and won’t let me go. I have no way to fight it anymore. There is nowhere to run when it’s your own mind and broken body that scares you. I truly am drowning and there’s no water in sight. I am fucking lost.
I tell people all the time I think I’m going to little crazy. Most people laugh a little because they think I’m kidding. Do you have any fucking idea how it feels to have been lying in the same position for over six years? You have no idea where my mind goes. I’ve had people tell me that I am lucky I still have my mind, my breath. Yeah it’s great having your mind when your body is dead. It’s wonderful to lie here 24/7 – 365 days a year when you have nothing to do but think. I actually had someone tell me that it (being in bed for that long) wouldn’t be possible. They actually made a comment about, “sure how do you go to the bathroom?” Well genius it’s only all over my blog and on my Facebook that I have holes in my stomach for that purpose. The surgery that almost killed me. But if you wanna know how I went to the bathroom before I got the stomas, sure ask me again I’ll give you all of the gory details. Fuck I’m so angry right now. So fucking angry!
The worst part is, my nightmare is never going to end. How many more times can I explain how Independence Blue Cross has killed me? I’m realizing it just doesn’t matter. Trust me, I know that no one wants to hear it about anymore. Fuck, I don’t wanna deal with it anymore.  I am sick to fucking death of all of it! and frankly, the way the US is, I’ll never get help. I’m realizing with everything that’s going on in our world right now that human lives are disposable. It’s money that counts the most. No one is going to have the rehab that I need to have because it costs too much money. My body is slowly curling up onto itself and I have no way to stop it. Without rehab there is no life for me.  without acute care rehab I will never get out of this bed. So really, I’m already dead or I have truly lost my mind. You choose…
Have courage and be kind…
My favorite quote was once:
When do we finally say enough?
I’ve been trying for six years to get out of this bed. I thought I had a chance in 2018 and as you’ve heard, Independence Blue Cross took that away from me. I have to let go of hope because it has broken me. It has, paralyzed me. I was taken right up to the edge of hope and slowly watched it all fade away time and time again. How much longer do I lie in this bed? How many more nights do I cry because of the pain in my legs? It’s a torment I can’t break away from. It’s a nightmare that I can’t awaken from. I just really want to get off this ride because I don’t really like it anymore.
Then I see these quotes ^^ and think, I get it but for some of us our present situation is our whole life. There is no best yet to come without help, and I can’t get that help. I get it, I have breath, but breath is not life. It’s an existence that I’m tired of living. I am a literal, head in a bed. I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m so so very tired…
Have courage and be kind.
The month is winding down and as we all know it’s been a crazy one. With Covid-19 floating around we all have to be a little extra careful thanks to our wonderful autoimmune disorder. Especially those of you on a DMD, please take extra precautions. My heart, hope, and love is with you all!
And with everything going on, I think we need a little humor from time to time.

Have courage and be kind.
I know that living in the past or thinking about the past is something that we should not resign ourselves to do, but I really do miss who I was before. I was someone who loved working. Grocery shopping, in my book, was one of the best things to do. I know, I’ve never said I wasn’t a little strange. But, laundry is what I really miss doing. And no, I’m totally serious about this. I think it’s all about the fresh smells, the warm clothes right out of the dryer, and even the act of folding things was fun for me. The weird thing is before I never thought about any of these things. I never realized why I did not mind doing these things. So I guess MS has taught me to look at things in a different light, a different perspective. Out of all these things I miss, driving is definitely the one that kicked me down the hardest. Driving was an escape, freedom, something I loved doing. When I lost that privilege, I was broken for quite some time. I could say that I will never drive again because at this point it’s probably true. Instead though, I can keep wishing and hoping that one day I may drive again. Yes, again I’m pretty sure I’ll never drive again, but it’s always so lovely to dream. 🖤
So as I wrote the above I kept thinking to myself, what I really miss is being able to do ‘anything’. We’ve been trying daily for a shower and it still has not worked. I did have a really good bed bath though, so I do get clean. 😇 We are starting slowly with my husband rolling me over on my side for 20 minutes to a half hour. It really fucking hurts, but each time it seems to be getting a little easier so maybe one day it won’t hurt at all. When I talk about what we’re doing my mind starts taking me to that bad place inside that discourages me. The feeling that it’s never gonna happen no matter how slowly we go. I’m thankful that I’m feeling it and acknowledging it straight away, but it’s still scary for me. You see, in my mind, when I see myself I’m not trapped in this bed. I see myself rolling over and sitting up and walking. It’s almost like a dream, but that’s what I see in my mind, my heart. I’m going to keep dreaming and maybe one day it won’t just be a dream.
Have courage and be kind.
Every person that fights multiple sclerosis is an MS warrior!
Have courage and be kind! 
Oh how I miss the person I used to be.
Have courage and be kind.
I am sure I have shared this before, but it is a quote I hold very dear. Most nights I go to sleep, I pray I don’t wake up… 
Have courage and be kind.
With everybody freaking out about being quarantined to their homes and not being able to go out to dinner, go shopping, etc.… This is nothing new for some of us. I’m not sure how to feel about it. It’s actually quite depressing. So for everyone whose lives are being up-ended over this, please get over yourselves. For some of us it’s life as usual.
Buuuuut… I get it, it’s hard. Really I’m sorry that by doing this you’re protecting the elderly and those people with chronic illness and autoimmune disorders. I completely understand that it’s affecting your life. And I’m sorry that people like me have to take extra precautions.  I mean seriously, bless your little hearts. But, again, get over your damn selves and just deal with it. 😏
Have courage and be kind.
The following photograph pretty much sums up multiple sclerosis. Lately this is exactly how I’ve been feeling. I’m literally drowning here. Will someone please throw me a line?
And here’s another little fun fact for you:
UGH! 🥺
Have courage and be kind.
Making it Through the Rain 