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Positively unsure…

I’m positive that I’m unsure about everything right now. Day in and day out I lie in this bed and wonder if things are really going to change. When I say being positive is new to me, it’s a true story. I never realized that it’s very hard to keep a positive attitude. And when your life takes a turn like mine took two decades ago, it’s fucking hard. When I found help on February 23, I believed my life was going to change for the better. I’m still hopeful, but it’s much harder than I thought it would be. While I can move my legs and feet a little bit, I still am unable roll on to my side. I cannot sit up without something supporting my back. As I sit/lie here all I have this time. I’m looking at this blank page before me with tears in my eyes not even sure what to say. I miss the girl I was. I’m so angry at everything and everyone and at nothing and no one. Half the time I don’t even know what I’m saying or thinking anymore. I’m alone and I’m lonely but I don’t want anybody around me.

Most days I just want to scream at the top of my lungs for no apparent reason. The highlight of my day is watching the hummingbirds drinking the glorious nectar that keeps them going. Sugar water, go figure. I can stare at them and keep staring praying that they won’t fly away too quickly…

Is it so wrong two want to escape from this prison that is my body? I don’t want to sound negative or sad but nothing really is changing. We can’t afford a caregiver and I can expect my family to spend every free minute they have aside from what they’re already doing to help me. The whole physical therapy aftercare is a fucking joke. I can only call so many times without a return call. And in reality, if they do call I have no way to get there… So does it really matter. My husband cannot keep taking off as much work as he already does take care of me. My kids work and they shouldn’t have to take care of me. They have done that their whole lives already. And then there’s the pain… the pain that never goes away. The physical and the mental pain Is exhausting. I’m trying so hard to stay strong to keep that positive light flowing.

No one understands that when just sitting like a normal person causes so much pain, it makes a person not want to get out of the bed. The minute my hips go to the proper sitting position the pain latches on and won’t go away. My legs have plopped the side [frog legs] for over four years [11/2013] and when my hips rotate it’s excruciating. Pain meds, muscle relaxants, cannabis, CBD, nothing stops it. I’ve l earned to grit my teeth, quietly let the tears flow, bare it, and warrior on because I have to! I have orders to get ultrasounds on my legs to check for clots, an order to have x-rays of my hips and lower back to check for arthritis aside from my degenerative disc, an order for a mammogram that I’ve put off for the last 2 1/2 three years. Breast cancer took my sister from me I miss her so much…

And I digress. So as I said, I have all of those things I need to get taken care but have no way to get there. I know that my husband will take another day off work to get me to these appointments and that is why I don’t want to make them. It’s also going to suck big hairy donkey balls because of the pain that’s going to happen when trying to get me out of my wheelchair to lie flat for the x-rays. I hope they have some strong men working that day and maybe even a chaser of morphine.

On the outside looking in people probably think I’m lazy. Although I don’t know how I can do much more from my bed. I fought for the last two decades against MS and it didn’t change a thing. I Just kept progressing to where I’m now. But don’t worry, I’m still going to fight and do what I can from this bed to keep going.

I’m going to put my arm weights on every day and do my exercises. I’m going to have my family help me move my legs when they get a free moment. I’m going to keep moving my legs as much as I can even if it is only a little. I know right now I can’t move them very much, but with hard work it can only get better. Or it won’t. But even in the dreary depressed mood I am in at this moment, I will never quit. I will never end up in the hospital again after trying to take my life. [2/2017] I will never end up in the hospital again contemplating taking my life. [2/2018] Because what that month of physical therapy DID give to me was a glimpse in to what might be. I know now I was just a body in bed but while I was there I learned the tools to better myself. I have all the paperwork showing the specific exercises; I know what to do. And even if nothing changes, no one can say I didn’t fight and fight hard! One thing I learned and I’m still learning is there truly is something beautiful in every. I didn’t see that before. That’s how I make it through now. As I’m reading through this I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. But, I’m in here and I’m saying it and that alone is strength.

Have courage and be kind.

Angels-Among-Us · anger · Animals · Darkness · Death · Depression · Faith · Fear · FUCK · health · hope · lonliness · love · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · Pain · Pit Bull · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · strength

The Strength Inside – part I

I truly believed that my life was only my MS. I was no longer Tracy, my new name was MS. For years I was told that with my type, Primary Progressive, that there was nothing I could do. I would slowly progress and there was nothing that would stop it. For some reason I actually believed the people that told me that, hell they were doctors. Basically, I gave up. On January 30th, someone I loved very much, passed away. I don’t remember much after that until February 16th when I came to a crossroads. During those 2 weeks I lost the use of my left arm, and most of my right. I had told my family that when my arms went, I’m going too. So on that night, with the only hand that was working, I opened a bottle of my pills, and was ready to go be with my beautiful friend, Carolyn Baker. Then something amazing happened. You see normally my dogs sleep with me. That evening none were in my room. At the moment the bottle touched my lips my beautiful girl, Soloh, jumped on the bed came to me and snuggled. I could hear Carolyn’s voice telling me to STOP, that I’m strong, and to get the HELL up and get some damn help!! I knew it was Carolyn that sent Soloh to me at that moment. She loved my lil’ PitMix. I looked up, and smiled through tears, and put the top back on the bottle and set them down, and said ‘ok, girl…I hear you’! I called to my husband to take me to the hospital. He said we could wait until the next day. (Note: My MS has tried to break my family. There is much anger because of it.) At the time, my urine was very very dark almost black. I knew I had an infection for at least 3 weeks by then. So that’s why my husband thought I wanted to go to the hospital. I didn’t fill him in on the real reason…yet. I told him, “okay” and I found an ambulance that took our insurance, and called. About 5 minutes later there was a knock on the door and my husband came in and asked me if I called an ambulance. I laughed and said, “yes”. He smiled and let them in…

survive

In this moment, my life has been changed forever…

My arms are getting tired, part 2 will be up tomorrow. Please stayed tuned. And, miracles really do happen.

Have Courage, and Be Kind

Angels-Among-Us

The Unknown Angels

Once upon a time there was a girl who got tickets to go to the Soap Opera Digest awards at The Universal Amphitheater. She invited her other mother, her sister, and her babies nanny. She was so excited as at the time Days of Our Lives was and had been her show for some 20 years. She even named her first born son after one the characters on the show, Austin. This was going to be a night to remember, for very different reasons than she expected…

The night started out perfectly. They all met up at the hotel her family was staying at. The nanny drove the girl as driving more than a few miles had gotten to be hard. The girl had been diagnosed with a progressive form of MS some years prior. She was still doing well and still walking with the use of a crutch cane. But this night, none of that mattered, she was going out!

As they drove from the hotel to the amphitheater parking was crazy and they were sent to a parking structure where there was handicapped parking. Never being there before they had no idea just how far away they were. As they entered the city walk they realized they were on the other end from the amphitheater. But, the girl felt she would be ok. She had her cane and new comfy shoes and she looked gorgeous, as did they all. Halfway there she could feel her ankle starting to drop [drop foot] but she kept on. She is a bit of a stubborn one, so she knew she was going to do this. Nothing would stop her.

As they entered the line of beautifully dressed people heading in, she knew something was wrong and her legs began to give out. There were people everywhere, those going in and all the looky-loos awaiting the stars. All at once she felt her leg go out and down she went to the ground. The tears flowed almost immediately as she bent her head down and tried to hide away. Being 6′ tall it was a long fall and a bit painful on concrete. All she remembers saying to those with her, was to call her husband to come get here. [he works there at nbc/uni] It was futile for the smaller women to try and lift her up. Her legs were gone, rubbery now and of no use. The people just stared and walked right on by. None offering to help in any way.

Then, it happened. She felt strong arms under her that lifted her off the ground as if she was a feather. She laid her head down on his shoulder as she cried how embarrassed she was and how sorry. How everyone was staring at her. She had never wanted to be invisible like she did at that moment. Then she heard the beautiful deep voice of her ‘Angel’ saying they were only staring as she is beautiful and on the inside of the ropes going in. His voice began to calm her and somehow she knew it was going to be ok.

Meanwhile, an employee had gone to get a wheelchair for the girl. When the chair came she looked up at her Angel only to have the sun in her eyes and all she could see was his outline. He gently put her in the chair and was gone. She asked, who he was, what did he look like? She was told he was a very handsome tall black man and his beautiful wife.

She searched through the crowd the whole evening hoping to catch a glimpse a small look at her Angel. The night went on, the awards handed out and then the night ended.

She never got her glimpse, her look. She never has forgotten him, and his kindness for stopping when no one else did. Somewhere out there is her Angel. She send blessings to him and all his family even though she never saw his face.

She will never forget the kindness of that one stranger!!

Blessings and Peace!