Category: Ramblings

Craziness · Ramblings · Stupid Stuff

Blankety, blank ,blank, blank…

Tracy4 Comments

For the past two nights my mind has been blank. I’ve been reading the Twilight books. Finished Eclipse in 6 hours and am half way through Breaking Dawn. Loving me some Vampires!! lol

The kids are finally back in school after a 3 week vacation. It figures their first day back, and my first day alone in 3 weeks, I was not feeling well. My kindle has been keeping me company. I was all ready to get out to my jewelry table and create some new things, and BAM could barely move. I so know that when ‘Aunt Flow’ visits, it affects my MS in a yuck way. And what do you know, the bitch came to visit yesterday. I know… TMI!!  😛 So, reading and sleeping was my day.

Today will end up the same, it seems. Other than a conference call meeting at 10am, I’m off for the day for more Kindle time and sleep. I hope this [aunt flow and the tireds] ends soon. I have been designing things in my head for days now and so need some ‘jewelry’ time. It clears my head and makes me feel like I have some purpose. I finally purchased my domain name, so stop by and check it out. A Fabulous Flair It is still a work in progress. Still deciding on backgrounds etc.

Well before I start rambling about more stupid stuff, I’m out!

Blessings and Hope!

Ramblings

In Dreams – Darkness

Tracy2 Comments

The darkness falling, silence, floating, light. She looks down, the dress, black lace over a blood red shell, she’s beautiful. Pale skin, jet hair, crimson nails, still floating. People, statuesque, glowing eyes. Trees, going on to nowhere. Fire, dancing. A chill runs slowly down her spine. Where is she, who is she, why is she here? She wants to run, run away, no stay. Screams in the distance, laughter, pain. Blood. What does this all mean? She closes her eyes, nightmare. The hands on the clock spin in circles faster and faster. Eyes open. A familiar picture, her bed, blood red sheets and golden blankets cover her freezing body. A dream, only a dream. A sigh, a smile. Her hands…crimson nails, pale skin. Shudders, afraid to move. Gently pulling, pulling the safety of her covers back. She rises. Looks down. The dress, black lace over a blood red shell…

© 01/10/2010

**********

Blessings and Hope.

Health · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings

On the soapbox…

Tracy9 Comments

IF there was a way to cure my progressive MS and/or control it, I’d have been the first one to find it!! There is NO cure for MS. Yes, it can be controlled, remission in Relapsing Remitting MS [rrms] Yes, the right diet, exercise etc is good for me and everyone else. Sorry, I cannot exercise like everyone else. I have to use a motorized pedaler for my legs. I CANNOT pedal without help!

Protein shakes, diet shakes, whatever you wanna call em are NOT real food. They are processed ingredients. Whey protein is dairy based, and in my research the less the dairy, the better I feel. [less dairy is better for people with MS] Aspartame, Stevia, Splenda not good! What do you think makes their appearance white, bleach! Our bodies need real sugars, good sugars, raw sugar. It really is common sense. Things man made are not natural and do not belong in our bodies. I believe food is a big part of all the disease in our world today. You can go with me or not on this one, I do not care. I’ve done the research, hours and hours of it.

I’m jazzed if putting this crap in your MS filled body works for you, but do not tell others they can ‘heal’ their bodies by doing it. Shakes will not your body heal!! Especially if part of your miraculous discovery goes along with someone buying this product off of you. RRMS people can be in remission forever, there is no telling why or how, it just happens. I pray that they remain there and this lifestyle works for them. But do not ‘sell’ false hopes to others.

Again, I’ve done the research and eaten the RIGHT foods with minimal exercise, lost the weight and felt tons better. But, for some of my MS symptoms, I need the medication. Do, I want it, no. It’s a necessity. I tried going off of all of them and almost took my own life. No shake or workout is going to heal my progressive form of MS. I do appreciate the thought of ‘go check this out’ but not when the advertising gets dangerous.

So please people, do your research, find the best route for you, but do not act as though it is the only route. And inevitably, if they want you to try the product and they receive some kick back….well, nuff said!

Soapbox off!

Blessings and Hope!!

Craziness · Fear · Ramblings

In Dreams…

Tracy8 Comments

She was in a daze, looking around, everyone she knew was there, parents, children, friends, in a large chair, people touching her face, fixing her hair, makeup, this is a gift to you they say. People she did not know, brushing, coloring, cutting her hair. Don’t touch my hands, I just did my nails. No, stop, do not touch my feet, they hurt. Darkness.

Her eyes open slowly, she sits up and sees the mirror. She looks into the mirror not sure how she got across the room. She is crippled, yet she is young and beautiful again. Thin. A wig? A long curly wig sits atop her head. Take it off. Her hair is red again, and long. But they were cutting it. Extensions? She shes her young body in the mirror, thin, sexy, she wants to hide.

The people come in the room. ‘Ah, you are awake now!’ She glides across the floor to them, looking down at her feet skimming atop the wooden floor. How did I get up here? Who put me in these clothes? Laughter fills the room, whispers. Come out and see all who love you.

People are everywhere. Where is my husband? In the fields. The fields? Kittens everywhere… not to worry I know who to call to save them all. Blink…

Back in the room, alone. She looks in the chipped black framed mirror and smiles. Awaken!

_____________________

Blessings and hope…

© 01/08/2010

Fear · Ramblings

I’ll be dreaming…

Tracy8 Comments

So, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night,  and have some seriously weird things going on inside my head. So, lately I have been jotting them down. [there is no real order as these are quick thoughts]

#1 “The room was suffocating, people everywhere, must get out, where is the door, the red door. She darts to the door, she flees through the red door. She turns to a blank wall, the door is gone, she is pulled into the darkness.”

© 12/24/2009

Red Door

#2 “She runs through the woods, something is following her. Is something following her? She cannot stop running, running to nowhere. Is she running? She falls and everything turns to fog. Her eyes open, she sees familiar faces, she’s home.”

© 12/27/2009

#3 Smiling faces, tearful eyes, angry frowns, a wheelchair sits in the distance, she reaches for it, she cannot grasp it, she tries to stand and the floor comes up to meet her. Laughing, whispering, soft childlike giggles, all eyes on her. She cannot move, she bows her head in tears.”

© 01/05/2010

——————————–

Yes, I see the resemblance to me in each of these bits! Maybe I’ll write a horror story or something. 😛

Blessings and Hope…

Health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Talking Positive…

Tracy21 Comments

Now, while I know a positive attitude is ‘healthy’ that does not mean I have to be positive all the time. My friend Vicki pointed me to fabulous blog;
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/02/cancer-positive-thinking-barbara-ehrenreich

Lines like ‘enough of all this positive shit – let us just adjust and rage and kick ass if we want’, had me peeing myself…literally!

I am so happy for people that can be honestly positive and happy. I think it’s awesome. I was there once. But, sometimes in life, shit happens and sometimes it’s not positive. I’m positive I have primary progressive MS. I’m positive it helped to cause my degenerative disc dis-order, fatigue, incontinence, tremors, spiders [feeling like something is crawling all over me], migraines, depression, eye problems, constant  numbness, oh and the little issue of no longer being able to walk. So I’m positively pissed off and angry. Is that really so very terrible?

Just because I am not always positive does not mean I’m not happy. Does not mean good things don’t happen to me. I am happy, most days, and good things do happen to me.

But when well meaning [idiots] tell me maybe if I was more positive I could heal my body. Really??

HA!

Don’t get me wrong, most people do mean well. But some are just psycho, new age, get stung by bees, snake oil sales people. And those people can be ‘deadly’ to someone with a true illness. People told my friend Vicki to drink her own urine for her cancer! WTF is that about. My sister had stage 3 breast cancer, if she had listened to these morons, she would not be here right now. We all know and hear that many hardcore medications are poison, but it saved my sister. She is in her 6th year of remission. Drinking urine would have killed her. She is an R.N. and knew what she had to do to survive, like Vicki. I’m very glad they did, and they are still here!

Others told my friend Carol maybe her cancer came because her faith was not right/good. WOW!! I was told the same things. Or like the moronic book, The Secret, I intended it. Really??! And people believe this shite? I’m thinking they must not be the brightest stars in the sky! I’m POSITIVE they have mental illness! There, some positivity for you! 😛

I’ll get off my positive soap box, for now.

Blessings and Hope!

Music · Ramblings

Do You?

Tracy10 Comments

As I was trying to sleep this just kept going through my head. Figured I’d write it out.

Do You

Do you hear me cry…
Will you turn away…
Pretending you don’t hear me.

Do you see my pain
Will you turn away…
Pretending you don’t see me.

———————-

All I ask of you, if you chose to walk away
Is please don’t let me know…
Baby please….. just go.

———————-

Do you feel my fear
Will you turn away…
Pretending you don’t feel me

Do you know my heart
Will you turn away…
Pretending you don’t know me.

———————-

All I ask of you, if you chose to walk away
Is please don’t let me know…
Baby please….. just go.

Just walk out the door
Please don’t look my way
My heart can’t bear the pain
My heart can’t bear the pain…

Do you, miss me now…..

———————-

Tracy Radford
01/03/09

Blessings and Hope

Ramblings

Snore-EX

Tracy16 Comments

So, I purchased the Snore-EX from Amazon hoping that it would stop my hubby doing the buzz-saw at night. And oh mercy it has!! Now I’m not saying it will work for your ‘snorer’, but for mine it did. No longer will he have to sleep in sofa city, or with one eye open. [in case the skillet ends up in my hand]

My Savior

The first night it fell out, and he snored. He woke up, got it back in and no more snoring. He molded it to fit him, and wallah, SUCCESS!! He had slight jaw pain last night, but nothing bad he said. He also said he felt more refreshed in the morning from not snoring. So, for us both, it is a win-win situation.

For the price, it was a gr8 deal!

I’m doing the happy dance here!

woo hoo

Blessings and Hope!

Ramblings · Sarcasm

I have a food confession…

Tracy4 Comments

I try so hard to live by my paleo lifestyle. It helped me to lose 20 pounds and feel better. It did not allow me to walk or ‘cure’ my MS. [MS CANNOT be cured, but it can be controlled for some] What the paleo lifestyle did was help my fatigue, my dizziness, my IBS/colon issues, and an array of other little issues. As stated before, it even helped me to lose weight with minimal exercise.

So, what is my confession you ask?  [I know u r asking] I have fallen off the wagon for a bit as of late. For the last 3 nights we have McD’s. The most evil food in the world. I am so mad at myself for eating it and for allowing my kids to eat that crap!! The breads alone will make you sick.

I know better, which is why I am so pissed off at me. I know I feel better when I eat the right way. So WTF is my problem??  I eat this crap and then hate myself for it. HELLO…wake up Tracy!

I quit smoking 3.5 years ago.

That was [so far] the hardest thing I have ever given up. Do i feel better for it, YES. Do I miss it every day…YES. But, I do not pick one up and start again. So, why can’t I quit the shitty foods?! And yes, they are shitty for EVERYONE!! Why do we think The USA is the ‘fattest’ Country. We are made to believe that it is ok to eat fast food. They have nutrition guides and use better oils!!  Ya, and I fell off the turnip truck yesterday!!

Ok, ok I’ll get off my soapbox… for now! We will be discussing this at a later date in my ‘Living with MS’ blog series anyways. Bet ya cannot wait!!

Anywho, I needed to come clean and confess my food splurge!! Even though it is all I ate on those days, it is still the worst things I could have put in my body. I will be paying for it for the next few days. It is already starting. Time to water up!

Blessings and Hope…

ps…if you need to find me, I’ll be in my bathroom!

Craziness · Fear · Health · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Yup, you guessed it…

Tracy6 Comments

Another ‘no sleep in sight night’ for me. But I wonder…is it because I cannot sleep or because I do not want to sleep? I had mentioned a while back that the night is my haven. It is dark and quiet. [the way I like it] My kids call me momma Vampyre. I am normal. No need to get up and go. No need to do anything at all. The house is ‘asleep’ and I can be whole, if only for a short time. Hubby is buzz sawing in sofa city again. The kids [off school] are quietly playing video games. And, again the big dogs are sound to sleep in here with me. Life, for me, can not get any better than this. As I read this, I realize it  may sound kind of  pathetic to those who do not know me. In all actuality, it is quite awesome. I can hear the occasional loud ‘snort’ from sofa city, and the kids pop in from time to time to get a hug and tell me they love me. That’s wicked cool if you ask me.

If I was well, life would be sooooo much more different. But, I wonder, would it be better? Would I be happier? The initial answer is HELL to the YES!! But, really, would it be? My husband would have a better wife, my kids a better mommy.  So for them, yes, I feel it would be better. Sadly, we will never know. Would I give my right arm for my legs to work again, fatigue to stop, MS to go the fuck away…YUP!! Cut it off, no anesthetic, whatever, just give me back my legs and take the MS back!! Hmmmm, ok maybe use anesthetic. lol I mean, I’m left handed…

I have been watching a buttload of movies and get so depressed sometimes. I hate people that can walk!! Ok, not the people so much, but their ability to walk. I get very jealous. Yup, I said it, I get jealous and yes anger plays a part as well. I’m human, it happens. I’m also honest. When I used to pick up the kids from school, I would sit in the van and cry watching all the moms standing around and getting their kids. Some holding babies or their toddlers. I barely got to do that with my girls because by the time they were born the weakness got very bad. I was much too afraid to carry them for fear of falling and/or dropping them. Even with the boy, I was afraid to fall and/or drop him. By then he was 2yrs 4mos. It really sucked! What they did get, was a mommy home with them all the time. Helping with homework, reading to them, being there for them 24/7. So, sometimes I feel they got more from me than from the ‘healthy’ moms. My time was for them. If anything, hubby got the worst of it having to do all the things I could no longer do. Aw hell, it builds character! lol

I used to get mad as for years I knew something was wrong. I was dx’ed with CFS in 1986. I guess they figured a 6′ tall, thin, healthy woman, did not need an MRI or anything then.  I was working and going to college. No wonder why I was tired. Then I wonder if I had know, would I have had children? Would I have married? My answer, most likely NOT! It’s now a tad late for the what ifs. So, I just keep on keeping on and wear whatever mask is needed for the day. My masks are my protection from the world. Those close to me know when my masks are on [sometimes]. Those not close to me do not need to know. It is better for them they do not see the real pain behind the mask. My way of protecting others I guess.

As 2009 comes closer to the end, I wonder…will 2010 look brighter? I guess the real question is, will I look to 2010 as brighter? Just like ‘how many licks to get to the center of a lollipop’… the world may never know! HA

Blessings and Hope …