FUCK · Health · HELL · Hope · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM

Bravery…

I downloaded a couple of apps for motivational quotes etc. This one popped up today and it instantly sent streams of water down my cheeks. I am brave. I go to bed at night knowing that tomorrow nothing is going to have changed for me. That’s not being pessimistic, it’s being realistic. I go to bed at night, many times, asking whatever entity is out there to please take me home… Wherever that may be. I go to bed at night knowing that there really is nothing of quality there for me when I wake up. And to me, that is bravery. The picture above is one of my most favorites. I never before thought of myself as being brave. I never before thought of myself as being strong. I have always second-guessed everything I have ever done throughout my life. I have never felt good enough for anything or anyone. My only New Year’s resolution (which is pretty new to me as I never make them because I never follow them 😂) is to be unapologetically me. I am no longer going to hide away my feelings of my past, my present, or what my future may hold.

This is definitely going to be a new ride for my blog, a new adventure if you will. I’m scared every night before I go to bed. I’m always scared…

As always, have courage and be kind! 

Anger · Fear · Health · Ramblings · RANDOM

Money, Money, Money…

They say money can’t buy you love, happiness, etc. I beg to differ, but not in the way most would think.

I need, I want...

In my situation money would buy ‘comfort’. Money will not cure me, but it would make my life and my families much easier. You see the stars with MS and other chronic illness’. Montel has his own cook, nutritionist, physical therapist, child-care. Trust me, if I had that it would make life much easier and less stressful. So in this case, money would buy ‘comfort’! Most of he people on these shows with chronic illness depict the success stories. The ones who run the marathons etc. Their MS is the less severe form, and being in remission is a great thing and I am happy for them. But, where are the stories of the those with the severe forms, who have families and live on modest incomes with no extras like a cook, a nutritionist. You get the idea.

There are treatments out there that insurance will not cover, so in those cases money would buy me better health care.

Not sure where this is coming from tonight… maybe because I tried to take a shower in my partly done shower and realized it is not going to make that much of a difference. Roger got the seat and a couple of bars installed, which help. But I have to be careful as it is not all grouted and we have to be sure the water does not get all over the place. The shower itself was fabulous the aftermath, not so much. I am coming to the realization that even bars and a higher chair do not help me get up. My legs are near useless and I sat there and cried, why??? This was not supposed to be my life. Why not strike those who commit heinous crimes and those who do to want to be a giving part of society. WHY? And yes it is my right to ask why. There is no reason for this. I did nothing to deserve this, as many of my friends did nothing to deserve their illness’. So why?

I’m not naive and I know there is no answer for this question.

I sit here, again, wondering if I will be able to get in to my bed tonight. Will I be able to get up easier in the morning? I know these answers will not be ones I want to hear. I hate feeling this way. I am no quitter nor am I a whiner. But as of late I read people complaining about their colds and allergies and runny noses and want to scream at them, “Your piss ant issue will go away, mine wont!! So shut the fuck up and get over it!!” And that is not me either. I hate being this bitter, this angry. I think from all the times I hold it in, it is finally too much to take.

I’m lost and am slipping away from me more and more and I’m scared…

As Always…

xx, Tracy...
Fear · Hope

What if…

I cannot sleep. Hubby is sleeping peacefully beside me softly breathing. I am sitting here with thoughts flying all over the place. What if  the medication doesn’t work? What if it makes me sick? What if I get the bad side effects? Then back to, what if it doesn’t work? I have waited for so long to find something to help me. I hate my wheelchair, I hate my non-working body. I hate MS!!! What if it doesn’t work? I’m so scared right now. I’m not expecting a miracle as those do not happen to me. I try to remain strong, be positive, keep smiling, hide the real pain. I’m afraid what it will do to my psyche if it doesn’t work. Will I find the inner strength like I always do, or will this be where I finally say no more? What if it doesn’t work and they cannot find anything else for me? What if by the time they do I am too far along in my disease?

This is an overwhelming feeling for me to be so full of fear regarding myself. I usually can put on the happy, silly, sarcastic Tracy face and keep on plugging along. But this, this is a huge breakthrough right now regarding walking for those with MS. I’m not complaining, I’m scared. I have a roof over my head, my hubby has a job, my kids are taken care, so I’m not complaining. I’m just scared.

What if...

It’s almost midnight here and my back is burning in pain, I can’t sleep as way too many thoughts are floating around in my head. My back pain will subside thanks to my meds, so I’m not complaining. I’m just scared.

I want to walk again so bad I can taste it. I know I cannot expect it to happen fully for me as my legs are pretty much useless, but even some strength back would suffice. OK!! Bullshit, I want it all back, but I have to be realistic. I’ll still have the fatigue, degenerative disc disorder, tremors, weakness, migraines, and all the rest of the joy that is MS. Even a little leg strength will help. Right? Then I think will walking even matter? I do not remember how and with my hyper-extended knee will I be able to? Shit, I need to stop over thinking don’t I?

I guess tomorrow, err today is another day…

Blessings and Hope!