Hope · Love · Quotes · Ramblings · Strength

You’re not alone

Short and sweet. Have courage and be kind!

Craziness · FUCK · Health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Stupid Stuff

The word FuCk…

I made this last night and posted on Facebook because that was the type of day/night I was having. Sometimes I will literally put my pillow over my face and scream at the top of my lungs. It really does help. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The word fuck has so many different meanings. It can be used for pleasure, anger, sarcasm, jokes. I will admit, it’s my favorite word. I’ve heard that people who are sarcastic and/or use profanity are more intelligent than those that don’t. I mean hey, I fully believe that. 😜 No, I really do believe it.

I’m pretty sure I did a blog about this sometime ago, but I’m too damn lazy to check. And I don’t care. LOL I feel if I wanna do the same blog post every fucking day, I can. 😂

I’ve been told to act my age, grow up, etc.… Fuck that. I’m 55, soon to be 56 in March, I can do what I fucking want. I tell people that I’m level 55 or 30 with 25 years experience. I mean, I’ve never been this age before, so I’m not really sure who I need to look to for age experience. My body feels like it’s 1 million years old, my mind is that of a teenager. I never want to lose that part of me. That’s the part of me that gets me through the nights that I don’t want to get through. 

I’m learning that I can no longer care what people think of me. I’ve done that my whole life and I haven’t been happy. I’ve been judged by so many people and when I look at the people who are doing it, glass houses… I’m done conforming to what people want me to be. Like I’ve said, I’m going to be unapologetically me. Those that do not like the new me, can fuck off. My real family my real friends will embrace this me. The other people don’t matter. I am still a work in progress regarding this. But I’ll get there.To anyone reading this, be unapologetically you as well. You’re the only one that lives your life! ♥️

Have courage and be kind! 

Fear · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sadness

Thoughts lost…

This quote is so true, and in its own way, scary. 

I said I was going to be unapologetically me etc. and tell my truths. A big truth and a very scary truth, is that in this moment I have no idea what or where I was going with this blog entry. The thought completely left my being. I just can’t find the words. 😪 Logically I know that it has something to do with this picture, But no matter how hard I try I cannot remember. So, I think I’m going to go and cry for a little bit…

Have courage and be kind!

Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM

Multiple Sclerosis Fact – my itsy-bitsy spiders

I call this issue my spiders. It feels like thousands of teeny tiny little spiders are running all across my body. But alas, there is nothing there. Although, one night, I found an ant on my arm. 🤔😂

Unfortunately there’s not much you can do for it. It’s just another issue we learn to ‘deal with‘ 😢  And that is why we are WARRIORS!! 🖤💪

Have courage and be kind!

#MSWarrior #TheBedriddenLife #MarchIsMSAwarenessMonth #NeverGiveUp #PPMS

Ramblings

I’m the great pretender

Even when it’s not OK… It’s just easier. Either way I don’t like telling how I’m feeling because it’s just too depressing.

Right now not much is OK. We think that I may have a possible fracture in my right hip from when we were doing my leg exercises. Our doctor appointment with the pain management doctor was today and I couldn’t go because the moment I’m rolled over to get in my Hoyer lift the pain is just too much. So I was hoping that the pain management doctor would possibly help me by getting an ambulance to pick me up get me to the hospital for x-rays. I guess they don’t do that. He really wants me to get to the hospital but there’s no way he can help me do it. Unfortunately we cannot afford an ambulance bill because our insurance thinks they’re out of network. AMR charges about $2000 a trip for a 4 mile drive. Now eventually my insurance pays for it after I appeal it one or more times. I’m tired of having to do that every time so it’s just easier not to get the ambulance. Then if I go to emergency the  emergency room doctors are always out of network, so I have to fight the insurance company again. And usually for a two minute interaction with the doctor it’s anywhere from $1600-$2400. I am so fucking tired of having to fight every time.

So now I don’t know what I should do. I’ve been let down time and time again by these doctors out here say that want to help me and then just passing the buck or don’t go out of their way at all to help me. All my pain management doctor had to do was make a phone call but I guess that’s not his job.  Who knows maybe things are different now… the way our country is going right now everything is fucked up.

So now I am going to try and find an ambulance that takes my insurance because I know AMR does not.  But then I run into that catch 22 of having to deal with the out of network doctor at the emergency room. I just can’t fucking win. 😳

There was an article about another celebrity and her anxiety due to her multiple sclerosis. Now while I feel horribly bad for anyone being stuck with this disease celebrities will never know the real struggle. They will never know what it’s like to not have money for help. They will never know what it’s like having doctors drop the ball on them because they can afford the good doctors. So yes I feel very bad for anyone with this disease, but please if you’re a celebrity don’t act like you know the struggles and how hard it is. You have the luxury of being able to get help. I know I sound like an asshole and bitter, but if I were a celebrity I wouldn’t have these issues.

As always you lovely people… Have courage and be kind! 🖤

Ramblings

Fight over Fear

This popped up in my memories on FB and I really needed to see this today. I’m starting to not feel very strong and the last couple of nights I can not get comfortable at all. At night my legs become very heavy I guess that’s how to describe it and there’s moments when I can’t feel them and it scares me. I have become very anxious and ready to let go but then something happens and I make it through. I’m starting to really hate being trapped in his bed. It’s been five years and two months and I’m seriously fuck I’m not even sure anymore. 😂
I really do believe I’m going on a little mad. LOL oh well life goes on and so will I. 🖤😘

I think the hardest part is I know what needs to be done but we don’t have the resources to do it.  And when I said above that I’m going a little mad, there are times I really think I am. 😜 I’m having issues again with sleeping and falling asleep  because I really believe my body doesn’t know what it is supposed to be doing. It’s always at rest so how does it distinguish between when it should be asleep or awake. We are using pillows to slowly help keep my legs in more of a proper position but I don’t even know if it’s gonna work. They have been flopped to the side for so long trying to put them back in the position is  horrifically painful. The key here is baby steps.

I don’t want to sound like a downer but I just don’t know if I can do this for another five years. When I say I’m bedridden I don’t mean that I can transfer into my chair and get up and cruise around I mean I’m trapped in this bed. The only way to get out of this bed is with the  Hoyer lift. And being lifted up and that is so painful I think that’s what’s keeping me trapped in this bed. Just don’t know anymore. I’m scared, I’m angry, but at the same time I’m ready to kick some ass and fight. I just hope my fight stays stronger than my fear.

Have courage and be kind

Anger · Fear · FUCK · Health · HELL · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM

Broken

So this post might be a little long. And you don’t have to read I’m just trying to get out what I’m feeling. We are going to attempt a shower today and I’m already having anxiety. But I have to do it because PTA bed baths are not doing it for me. 😋
I just don’t want to roll over or get in that fucking Hoyer sling. It hurts so much even when I have a nice supply of cannabis on board. 😉
Some of you know I have another fracture in my back at L3 and I was supposed to see a spinal surgeon like last month, but I can’t. I don’t want to go because I don’t want to get up. And the worst part about that is, I really want to get up! I know that does not make any sense. LOL

Without help I don’t know how I’m going to ever be able to get out of this bed. But, I will keep doing what I’m doing like wiggling in the bed LOL I have some serious dance moves for someone who is in bed. 💃🏻 I just want out of it. But when I’m lying down or even when my legs are up and I’m elevated I don’t have any pain. So thankful for my adjustable bed. 🙏🏻 The minute someone moves my legs I literally want to die. It feels like my hip is going to snap and my leg is going to fall right off. Sounds like something out of a criminal minds episode. Childbirth wasn’t as painful. I will take a contraction over this any day. 😳


We rolled a couple of pillows and taped them and put a cover on to jam them on the outside of each leg to roll my hip as I’m lying down. Oh holy man! The first day I could only tolerate about five minutes because the pain was intense. But yesterday I actually kept them there for a few hours. I’m hoping that eventually I will be able to get my legs moving without pain. I don’t care what the doctors say and what my MS is going to do with me because I know if I can get rid of this pain I will be up again. I may never walk again but I will be able to transfer if I can just combat the pain. And thanks to my colostomy and urostomy I won’t have to worry about running to the bathroom every five minutes anymore. 😂 Statistically the odds are against me but I’ve never been a fan of statistics. LOL Do not tell my daughter that because that is what she graduated with honors in. 😜

I’m putting on my little arm weights more because I totally slacked off on doing my arm exercises because depression hit it once again. But my little inner child showed up and beat the crap out of depression. Hopefully it’ll stay away a little longer this time. 🤞
When things got really bad after my surgery in 2014 and I completely fell into a very dark place. The surgery almost took my life and at that time I wished it had. I think a lot of people thought that it was getting to the point where I was nearing the end. I felt it, I even had a doctor tell me my outlook was grim. It wasn’t until February 2018 that I woke up. That anniversary is coming up and it scares me. But it also reminds me that I can fight and can get better. I just want people to know don’t give up on yourself no matter how bad it might be! I have been to the depths of hell and I’ve tried to leave a couple times. For some reason they didn’t want me. LOL

Well now that I’ve written a book and I probably lost most of you after the first paragraph I am going to get myself pumped so I can take my shower and not be afraid. 💪👊

I’ll be back… Said in my best terminator voice. LOL
Have courage and be kind!