Ramblings

Finding the light at the end of the tunnel…

Tracy15 Comments

No matter how hard life can get, and it can get hard, I always try to find the light at the end of the tunnel. There really is that light if you look for it. We can wallow in our pain and self pity, or we can look for the good. And, I know there is good somewhere.

MS sucks, big time, but I have it and only I can choose how to ‘live’ with it. I hear people complain how a remodel is going bad or how their kids are back home with them after college. Well, be thankful you have a home and the money to remodel. Be thankful your kids are safe and finished college. I would love to remodel my bathroom and doorways so I could actually shower alone and get through doors without leaving scratches or all out dents in the walls. Sometimes, I hate my home as it is not handicapped accessible for me. I spend most of time in my bedroom as getting through the doors is a pain in the butt in my chair. When I turn my chair on the carpet it lifts and moves, would love to redo that as well. Sadly for us, we do not have the funds to do this right now. BUT, I am thankful to have a home and have a roof over my head.

Again, as I have said in previous blogs, it’s all in how you choose too look at your life. Is your glass half full or half empty? I like to think of mine as half full.

I spend most of my days stuck in my four walls of my home as I no longer feel comfortable driving. We are going to get hand controls one day for my van [when and if we can afford it], but until then I am a ‘prisoner’ in my home. BUT, again, at least I have a home and a handicapped accessible vehicle for my wheel-chariot!

Do not get me wrong, there are days I get pissed off and curse this fucking disease. Ask why the hell me? What did I do to deserve this? I look at people able to walk and want to scream, “Do you know how lucky you are to be able to walk?” I get angry, depressed, and downright mad at God. Then, eventually, when I calm down I see the light. I see a husband who would do anything in this world for me and truly meant his vows, in sickness and in health. I see children who love me no matter if I can walk, be in the sun, run with them, or not. I see parents and siblings who would stop everything [and have] to help me if I ever needed help.

So you see, there is always a light at the end of that tunnel. I guess it is how you choose to look at it!

Blessings and peace!

Craziness · Movies

An Adam Sandler and crew day!

Tracy7 Comments

On the days when the depression hits and it feels like nothing can make me smile. I get out my Adam Sandler Movies. Why, because he and his buddies crack me up. Some do not like his kind of humor, and that’s cool, but I love it. I love anything that makes me laugh. I love off kilter humor, raunchy humor, stupid humor, really any humor. For me laughter is the best medicine!

I also have a couple of his dramatic roles which I think are amazing. Reign Over Me was wonderful. Now, Punch Drunk Love is not a fav, but it still was well acted and a bit off kilter which I like. I have many of his movies. It is hard to find a favorite. I also love Grandma’s Boy. He did not act in it, but worked on it. His friends are all in it. I think that is also why I love his movies. All his buddies are in them as well. It’s like a family affair!

Today I watched Mr. Deed’s, Happy Gilmore, and am about to watch 50 First Dates. I always joke to my hubby I could be the total goober in the wheelchair in an Adam Sandler Movies!! rofl Honestly, just to meet him and all his friends would be a cool thing. They really do seem like cool people. Hey, maybe they are pricks in person, but I doubt it. And really, I am hardly ever wrong! 😛

What’s funny is each movie does have a moral, a good story behind it. They are about family and being there for your friends no matter how stupid you have to be! lol I guess it’s all in how you want to look at it, your perspective! They are just funny! From The Wedding Singer to Bedtime Stories, they are just fun movies! And who can forget The Waterboy! OMG, that one kills me!

Even my hubby likes his movies. For my hubz to actually sit and watch a whole movie it has to be good. Grandma’s Boy [Adam Sandler is Executive Producer] is hubby’s fav. Although last night we watched Little Nicky, and hubby was dying. I had to keep shushing him as he was laughing to friggen loud. Between Rog and Austin I could not hear a thing. Not that it mattered as i know the movie by heart! lol

After watching Mr’ Deeds my favorite line became, “I’m sorry, All I heard was blah blah blah, I’m a dirty tramp!” And sadly for those around me, they hear it all the time! lol

So there you have it, I’m an Adam Sandler and crew junkie! rofl

In all seriousness, with my disease it is hard to find things that really make burst out laughing. His movies are one of those things. So keep on making them Adam and friends, and I’ll keep on watching them…over and over again!! 🙂

Blessings and Peace!

Ramblings

How do U blog? What’s your personality?

Tracy9 Comments

1. Do you get and idea then think it out and write your blog?

2. Do you write the blog, save the draft, and then edit before publishing it?

3. Or do you just fly by the seat of your pants and just blog?

I’m a 3. I get so many thoughts going at any given time I just start typing and whatever ends up on the page, is my blog. My iBot blog started out as something completely different, and just took on a whole new meaning. I am your typical type ‘A’ personality. I have a bit of ‘B’ as well, but lean more towards ‘A’. For better or for worse that is me.

From Wikipedia:

Type A individuals can be described as impatient, time-conscious, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, aggressive, having difficulty relaxing; and are sometimes disliked by individuals with Type B personalties for the way that they’re always rushing. They are often high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays. Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as “stress junkies.”Type A individuals can be described as impatient, time-conscious, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, aggressive, having difficulty relaxing. Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as “stress junkies.”

So according to that, basically I dislike myself for always rushing! lol

Now, i have slowed a bit on some of the traits, due to my illness. But, I still find that I thrive on pressure, stress if you will. I actually call friends at times to ‘talk me down’ from going after someone who is, well for lack of a better phrase, pissing me off. Sometimes people ASSume I am not an educated woman. I learned when I started using the WC more people talked to and treated me differently. My legs may not not work and I may have other health issues, but I am still a College educated, intelligent woman. But, I refuse to have a battle of wit with and unarmed person!! 😛

I think is this is where the mind goes racing and thoughts and ideas come rushing out. It has a lot to do with my sleeping issues as my mind will not shaddup. As you can see, I tend to ump back and forth and all over as I do not want to miss a thing. When I want something done I want it done now. Not late, not in an hour, but now. I am still working hard on becoming less of the ‘A’ as it can cause me a lot of fatigue. But for the years before my illness this was me. I could multi-task better than anyone. I thrived on difficult problems as I knew I could do it better and quicker. Now, the times they have a changed!

This, for me is a learning process. I know my faults and need to work on them. I need to relax and realize whatever needs to be done, will get done. It may take a bit longer, but it will happen. For me I get stressed as I know I have so much to offer, yet no way to do it. But, for those who do know me, they know in the end I will figure it out and get it going.

For some this is probably a mindless blog, hence the category mindless thoughts. But this has been floating all over my brain for a bit and here it. It’s a thought process for me and helps me to see the areas I may need to work on and by going back over my blogs I can see where my mind is at the time.

I guess the bottom line is, it’s my blog and I can write if I want to!! rofl

Blessings and Peace!

Ramblings

It’s all Relative!

Tracy6 Comments

So, how are you? Really…

A simple question, but for me a loaded question. How do I answer this question? Truthfully, partially true, or do I lie my ass off. People mean well, but in my experience when they ask you how you are, it is only to be kind. Many do not want the ‘truth’ for the real honest truth is on many occasions, depressing. Not for me really as I live it, but for them. So, what do you say?

My usual answers are, “I’m OK”, “I’m alive”, “I’m breathing”, or “I’m good.”

On any given day I have pain, fatigue, shakes, spiders [inner tremors], migraine, weakness, incontinence, eye floaties, depression, and always the ‘walking’ issue! lol Now 90% I do not have these all at the same time. [Thank God] But there is the 10%. For me, this is just my life. So it is easier to say things are OK then, “well I am having the shakes and a migraine” or “I feel yuck, bad MS day!” I hate bringing others down, and I can hear it in their voices when I am ‘honest’ about it. I always say that losing my ability to walk wouldn’t be so bad if all the other things did not come with it. [explained above]

I miss having energy the most. The fatigue causes the depression which in turn cause stress, which in turn causes flare ups! Sometimes you just can’t win for losing. But, again, this is my reality and I am learning to deal with as best I can. Do I always deal with it well? Sometimes…not so much! rofl But we are all allowed our ‘bad’ days, aren’t we? Hey, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! lol

I also see things as relative to the person dealing with it. I have a close a friend [Amers] who has had tummy issues for a long time now. She deals with pain and vomiting. At times it was a daily issue for her and she dealt with it like such a trooper. She is also an Army wife and has had to deal with deployments and the fears that come with it. She also deals with parental [adult] abuse. Which after 33 years, she stood up and took charge! [Amers, if you are reading, remember…I am soooo proud of you!!] Yet, after dealing with all of this, she would always say how she felt bad for complaining to me because of what I go through. I would always tell her it is all relative to the person dealing with the issue. Like when some say, “It could be worse.” Really? This is happening to me, this is my ‘worse’! I hate when people say that! And the ones who say it, usually are the ‘healthies’. So shaddup please!! And yes it could be worse, I could lose all my abilities totally. So, again, SHADDUP!!!

Now, with that being said…if you have a cough, a cold, a touch of the flu, remember it will go away! You will be back to your normal, so try not to complain too much! OK! I’ll trade your issue with mine any day. So take your cough medicine, see your doctor and get over it! I know at the time it seems like the end, but again, it will go away. Sometimes I just wanna say, “Should I call the whaaambulance?”, “Would you like some cheese with that whine?”, “Need a Mt. BooHoo?”. I could go on, but you get the point! rofl

So, the next time you ask someone how they are doing, make sure you really want to know!

Blessings and Peace!

Craziness

A True OMFG moment!!

Tracy3 Comments

[August 19] I do most most of my shopping online. I needed to return some things, so Courtney and I went to the mall here in town.

We parked in handicapped so I had the blue line box on my cars right side for my ramp for my wheelchair to exit/enter the van. The reason the blue lined box is there. Hello!!

We go in, return the items, did a lil shopping and then we went and had lunch at Red Robin. Can you say yum!!??

We left the mall around 2 or so and it was around 100 degrees or so. [ewwww] We get to the van and the person parked next to us was parked along the blue lined box area diagonally, the the rest in the parking spot. It was one of those “I am a small man” kind of trucks. If you get my meaning. tongue out I’m 6′ tall and would have needed a crane to get in this particular truck as it was so high off the ground.

We tried to lower my ramp and it would not give me any room to get my chair up my ramp as this truck took up MY blue lined spot area. By now I am very hot, my energy draining and highly pissed off. So Courtney got in the van to move it over into the [luckily] vacant spot on the other side so I could get in.

As she did this, I wrote a lil note for the truck: “The next time you use disabled parking, park correctly. The blue area is for those truly disabled that need a ramp to exit and enter their vehicle. Remember this for future reference… ASS!!!!!!”

Now, maybe I did not need to use the last word, but it was better than keying or spitting on the truck.

I have now made up lil business like cards with this saying. Am I being rude, probably. Am I being childish, oh I hope so. But most people do not know just how hard it is to go anywhere, just getting ready, showering, dressing, takes it all out of me.

All I ask is a lil COMMON courtesy for the disabled.

First: if you really do not need to use a placard, don’t.
Second: do not borrow placards. RUDE!!! And most likely you need the exercise! HA!
Third: if you do use them and need to, be respectful and do not use the lined areas, they ARE there for a reason!
Fourth: Do not bring the disabled person, park in handicapped and then leave them in the car! What are ya stoopid!

I got my placard when first diagnosed with MS. I had it for quite some time before I ever used it. Why? At the time I was still able to walk and would never want to take up a spot for someone truly in need of one. So, use common sense and be a bit more respectful of others…then you will never find one of my lil cards on your vehicle!!

Blessings and Peace!!

Ramblings

Victim or Survivor

Tracy7 Comments

This is a question I think we all need to ask ourselves. Whether we are disabled or healthy. I know many ‘healthy’ people that act the victim. Life is not fair to them, they got dealt the wrong hand. Why do some get everything they want when they do not?

I prefer to be in the survivor category. Do I get down on myself and feel angry at the cards I have been dealt? Of course I do as my hand is a shitty one. But I refuse to stop playing. One day I my get that royal flush. The only way to know is to survive. I am not always the strong one people think I am. I cry quite easily, I yell at G [God], I get angry watching people who are able to walk. Maybe not so much anger, but sadness at what I have lost. I have always been tall, uber tall. Growing up in my day being 6′ for a girl was not the norm. I hated it so much. I ‘slumped’ when I walked. I remember thinking G finally listened, how much shorter can I be, being in a wheelchair! Crazy thinking, right?

A few weeks back I got so down. Being a ‘shut in’ can be terribly depressing when you were once an active mom and woman. Each time I progress a bit I have a kind of ‘memorial’ for what I have lost. I grieve the loss of strength in my arms, or the weakness in me legs, or the worsening fatigue. It almost as if I am hearing the words, ‘You have Multiple Sclerosis’, all over again. So, it is a process for me. I have my grieving period, cry , scream, and then pull those boot straps up and get on with it.

There have been a couple times, more than I like to admit, where I have held a handful of pills and thought I can end the pain. That is when my inner strength has always found her way to the surface. I see my children’s faces and realize what that kind of action would do to them. That is not a legacy I want to leave them. I see my husband’s face and the pain it would cause him. I see my family and how it would hurt them all to the depths of their souls. She has come through, she has shown me once again that I am  a survivor. This is my strength.

I am no victim! I am an intelligent, beautiful, strong woman living with MS! The day I was diagnosed the internet truly became my friend. I researched every medication, every type of MS, every natural alternative, eating habits, foods, etc. Anything I could find I read. I no longer take medications for my MS as I have not found one that has had enough research done for those with the progressive forms. This is for me only. I am no doctor, so for others they do what they need to do. I only use medications for pain that may become uncomfortable. And not always on a daily basis. This works for me.

I am not a victim of MS, I am a woman surviving and living with MS!

We all have some sort of battle in our lives, it is how we choose to perceive ourselves in that battle. So, who are you? The victim or the survivor?

Blessings and peace!

Ramblings

The Unknown Angels

Tracy5 Comments

5E2EAABF-5862-4E31-9F9D-617CA1D9A3C9Once upon a time there was a girl who got tickets to go to the Soap Opera Digest awards at The Universal Amphitheater. She invited her other mother, her sister, and her babies nanny. She was so excited as at the time Days of Our Lives was and had been her show for some 20 years. She even named her first born son after one the characters on the show, Austin. This was going to be a night to remember, for very different reasons than she expected…

The night started out perfectly. They all met up at the hotel her family was staying at. The nanny drove the girl as driving more than a few miles had gotten to be hard. The girl had been diagnosed with a progressive form of MS some years prior. She was still doing well and still walking with the use of a crutch cane. But this night, none of that mattered, she was going out!

As they drove from the hotel to the amphitheater parking was crazy and they were sent to a parking structure where there was handicapped parking. Never being there before they had no idea just how far away they were. As they entered the city walk they realized they were on the other end from the amphitheater. But, the girl felt she would be ok. She had her cane and new comfy shoes and she looked gorgeous, as did they all. Halfway there she could feel her ankle starting to drop [drop foot] but she kept on. She is a bit of a stubborn one, so she knew she was going to do this. Nothing would stop her.

As they entered the line of beautifully dressed people heading in, she knew something was wrong and her legs began to give out. There were people everywhere, those going in and all the looky-loos awaiting the stars. All at once she felt her leg go out and down she went to the ground. The tears flowed almost immediately as she bent her head down and tried to hide away. Being 6′ tall it was a long fall and a bit painful on concrete. All she remembers saying to those with her, was to call her husband to come get here. [he works there at nbc/uni] It was futile for the smaller women to try and lift her up. Her legs were gone, rubbery now and of no use. The people just stared and walked right on by. None offering to help in any way.

Then, it happened. She felt strong arms under her that lifted her off the ground as if she was a feather. She laid her head down on his shoulder as she cried how embarrassed she was and how sorry. How everyone was staring at her. She had never wanted to be invisible like she did at that moment. Then she heard the beautiful deep voice of her ‘Angel’ saying they were only staring as she is beautiful and on the inside of the ropes going in. His voice began to calm her and somehow she knew it was going to be ok.

Meanwhile, an employee had gone to get a wheelchair for the girl. When the chair came she looked up at her Angel only to have the sun in her eyes and all she could see was his outline. He gently put her in the chair and was gone. She asked, who he was, what did he look like? She was told he was a very handsome tall black man and his beautiful wife.

She searched through the crowd the whole evening hoping to catch a glimpse a small look at her Angel. The night went on, the awards handed out and then the night ended.

She never got her glimpse, her look. She never has forgotten him, and his kindness for stopping when no one else did. Somewhere out there is her Angel. She send blessings to him and all his family even though she never saw his face.

She will never forget the kindness of that one stranger!!

Blessings and Peace!

Ramblings

My iBot…

Tracy9 Comments

The night is my time to come alive. My family is home, safe, and asleep in their beds. The sound of Rogers snoring brings a peaceful feeling knowing he is here with me. In a way it makes me feel ‘normal’. [whatever normal is] I do not feel useless in the night. There is no reason to get up and go. Being in my bed, blogging, playing games, requires no walking.

The daytime brings feelings of emptiness. There are so many things I want to be doing, so many things I want to accomplish. Those things must be forgotten now and a new story has to be written. I miss being able to work outside of the home. I loved working, being around people, the excitement of it all. But again, a new story must be written. How do we write that story?

I once had a chair, a chair that brought me back to life. It empowered me. I went through all the training for the chair. My insurance paid for the months of training, but then denied me the chair. So my father made it possible for me to purchase the chair. I cannot tell you how full of joy I was when he told me we would get the chair. My insurance company [Pacificare] called it a luxury item and therefore they would not pay. The chair is/was called the iBot. It could go into a 4 wheel drive mode so I could get up curbs and thresholds. It could rise to 6′ on two wheels using a gyro system. I was able to reach things again, go to peoples home and actually get in the door. But, it was a luxury.

Then after everything, within one week we got a notice saying they would no longer be offering the iBot. The cost was too high [26,000] and insurance companies would not pay so it was not cost effective for them. They would offer 3 years warranty but after that you are on your own. We chose to return the chair as if something went wrong the cost to fix it would not be worth it for us. A certain part costs 5000.00 and that is not covered after 18 months.

I remember going to Sam’s club and feeling so empowered. I went up in the two wheel function and was tall again. Instead being looked at and asked what happened, people stopped to ask about the chair. Not to pity me. The chair gave me my independence, my life back.

I remember the day the rep came to take the chair back and return the money. It felt like I was being told I had MS all over again. My independence was leaving through the front door. I tried to smile and make it ok, but the tears slowly fell from my eyes. This chair, considered a luxury by the insurance company, gave me back hope. I could reach things in my house again, I could get a glass on my own, cook on the stove w/o burning my arm. Now it was gone. As he drove away with my chair, a part of me went as well.

In Walmart yesterday an item I needed was on the top shelf. My first thought was the iBot. I was so embarrassed that I could not reach it. Luckily an adorable associate came back to the aisle for me and got it down. I thanked her and rolled away with tears welling up in my eyes. Independence lost!

We ended up using the money to purchase a handicapped accessible van. We did need one, so there is the positive. But, I miss that tiny bit of freedom I got back. Even if it was only for a short time. I miss my iBot!

I still get angry at their comment that it is a luxury chair. Is it a luxury to go up a curb? Is it a luxury to be able to reach things? Is it a luxury to have a chair that can get you on grass so you are able to see your child play soccer? Is it a luxury to have a true quality of life? I truly wonder how these people would feel about it if someone they loved needed one. Bet they would get it paid for.

The iBot would have been my new story of independence. But now that story must be re-written as well. So, tell me, how do we write that story. I truly need to know.

On a lighter note… if you know any millionaires that have money to spare and are looking for a cause, look no further! Here I am!! 😛

Blessings and Peace!

UPDATE! OK, so my hubbies snoring is now like razor blades going through my brain!! Where is an iron skillet!! If I have to roll him over one more time it will off the bed!! rofl

Ramblings

Adoption…

Tracy9 Comments

In the news: is Elton John and his partner going to adopt a toddler from A Hungarian orphanage? Katherine Heigl and her hubby adopting from Korea. And we know Brangelina adopt from all over the world. And do not forget about Madonna!

How will our own Country ever be strong if our own children are forgotten? We have orphans here in the United States in need of of families as well. Many of them are in awful circumstances and could use a loving home. Many of them are lost in the system and feel unloved and forgotten.

But, if an actor adopts from another Country you are headline news. If an actor adopts from the USA they get a one day small article. EX: Sharon Stone adopted a child from the U.S.A. How many knew that one?

We have babies here whose parents have died from AIDS in our Country as well. Whose parents have died from tragic accidents. What about them? Is it for the bigger headlines? Really, why?

Until we help those in need here in our own Country, we will never be strong again. Why are our babies forgotten? I feel for the babies in the other countries as well, but until ours are taken care of how can we ever be strong again. We too have white babies, black babies, asian babies, and more here in the USA that would love to have a home.

We cannot help any other country’s babies until we save our own and become the strongest Country in the World once more. We have to help our babies, here at home to become strong once again. Why is that so hard to see? I know many of these children come from horrible places, but our orphans do as well. Why is it different?

I am NOT saying these children do not matter. I am saying we cannot help others until we heal our own! Our babies are fostered out, and not always to loving people. They can be thrown around from home to home one day being out on their own. Some run away. Some end up on the streets with no means of taking care of themselves. Some may join gangs, some may turn to the streets and basically end up selling their soul. Just one of these babies may not have ended up this way if someone in their own Country had choose to adopt them and love them.

I’m sorry if some do not agree, but this is my blog and my feelings. If I did not have this MonSter of a disease I would love to adopt a child or two to add to my family. I always wanted to adopt one day. But, now, I am not able.

I know that ALL children are special and important. Maybe if all of our own babies got a good home with love one day they may adopt from another place. In a perfect world I guess…

Blessings and Peace

Music

Unwell Lyrics- Matchbox 20

TracyLeave a comment

I just love this song and Matchbox 20 rocks!

——————————————

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why

[Chorus]

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me

I’m talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I’ve been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away

[Chorus]

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I’m just a little unwell