Have courage and be kind.
** if you are or know the artist of this picture, please let me know. Thank you!
Category: Health
Round and round and round we go…
I am in a mood and somehow I can’t find my way out of said mood. Still awaiting Physical Therapy to be covered by my insurance company. Is it any wonder that I’ve heard nothing from Independence Blue Cross? I barely reimbursed half of the money back from the transport company they told me to use. At this point they are denying me the ambulance trips with AMR and the hospital visit. I’m getting bills from that amazing time that I’m going to collections for it. 😳 Sorry but you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip… or some shit like that. I guess they don’t feel suicide is an emergency. I’m sorry, attempted suicide.
Months would’ve been easy, my waiting is moving on into my seventh year. That light at the end of the tunnel that was starting to come into view, is now flickering. I truly believe I have to keep fighting but I also understand that things may never change. I have to learn to be able to wrap my head around how my life may have to be. I’m not giving in, but I do have to be a little more realistic. I’m tired. My mind is tired. My body is tired. My soul is tired. 
Fuuuuuuuuck
Have courage and be kind.
How do you know how to feel when you don’t know how you’re feeling?
Lately when my alarm goes off in the morning I’ve just been lying in my bed for a good hour or more debating… do I actually open my eyes and wake up or do I go back to sleep?! My days run into each other and as of late I’ve been a day off. I’m still waiting for the Physical Therapy to get back with my insurance. I’m very thankful that my mom is paying for private sessions while I wait, but she should not have to do that. Independence Blue Cross is yet again sitting on their thumb and twirling. I’m jumping through their hoops and doing in-home physical therapy. The pain is horrifying. Unfortunately I don’t have the medications I would get if I were in an actual rehab facility. I just keep gritting my teeth and going for it. We should not have to deal with this crap when we pay good money for actual healthcare insurance. Our country has gone to hell in a handbasket over the last 3.5 years. I’ve never in my life had this much trouble with insurance. I feel like I’m in limbo.
Although I will say that in a way it’s good that I am stuck in my room in my bed right now. We have so many idiot privileged Americans that think they don’t have to wear a mask. Look asshole, you MUST wear a fucking mask. And please don’t tell me you have a medical condition that makes it impossible for you to wear a mask. If that is true, you should keep your sick ass at home during a pandemic. I know brains are in short supply right now with everyone that follows the idiot in chief. And now we have another shit show starting with Kanye West thinking he’s going to run for president. I really hope everyone realizes this is just a ploy, most likely between him and the orange Cheeto to take away votes. But, the orange guy only got in because of the electoral college. He did not win the popular vote! So just like the south losing the war, he lost the popular vote. 
You ignorant people are the reason countries are banning Americans right now. Our country is the laughingstock of the world. And please don’t call yourself a patriot and say you love your country! If you can’t wear a mask to protect others in your wonderful country, then you’re nothing but a piece of shit! I’m sure it’s quite obvious that I despise the idiot in the White House. Not because he’s a Republican but because he’s a vile disgusting human being. If you can’t wear a mask to help your country you are no patriot!
I know my blog is going all over the place today because that’s where my head is. I’m numb right now and I’m not sure why. I am deeply saddened by everything happening in our world right now. My heart breaks with all of the hatred from certain groups of people RACISTS that are being caught on video all over the place. Again I’m probably better off being trapped in my bed because if I were anywhere near these racist “Karen” bitches, they would be laid out on the concrete. I have no time for those disgusting people.
And please don’t come at me with all lives matter. No shit Sherlock we know that. But right now in our country black lives are in jeopardy. And quite frankly all lives don’t matter until Black Lives Matter! I will no longer sit by as a white woman and be complacent about this issue. I have friends that are hurting and I will stand next to them and fight with them! ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿
Unfortunately those people running around saying all lives matter really only care about life in the womb. The minute it comes out, you don’t care anymore. I won’t debate anyone on this because it’s right out there for you to see. People are out celebrating the Fourth of July while children are sitting in cages in the United States of America. For those people that think that’s acceptable, you’re a piece of shit. (we seem to have a lot of shit in our country right now don’t we) Plain and simple! I know I know you’re gonna blame their parents. I’m sorry if I lived in a shitty country I would do anything I could to get my children to a better place. If you are a parent who wouldn’t do that, I feel sorry for your children. Well shit, right now I do live in a shitty country. That’s a thought to ponder. 
Let’s see, have I missed anything or anyone?! I think I’m good to go right now. I swear lately I have eye rolled myself into oblivion with all the ignorance that I’m seeing. 🙄 I am sorry, but it’s no longer that we have a difference in opinion, we have a difference in morality!
As always, have courage and be kind! 🖤

The human body truly is an amazing thing.
While I await more rehab through my insurance, I am having a private Physical Therapy. It really sucks when you have to pay for some thing out of your pocket to keep it going when you pay thousands to have healthcare insurance. I’m hoping this will be taken care of within the next couple weeks and my insurance will pick it back up. I knew I could not stop for the little bits that I’ve gained would be lost. I’m very thankful to my stepmom or as I call her, mom, for taking care of private sessions for me.
I really believe that I will be able to get back into my Hoyer lift and into my chair within the month of July. I’m realizing there are some medical issues I will have to get taken care of as well. Both of my knees have frontal torn meniscus’s. This causes some serious pain when bending my knees. But we are taking it slowly and the pain is lessening. I should’ve had these problems fixed years ago, but they would not fix the issue that caused the problems. My doctor told me insurance would not cover it because of my illness and the fact that I spent a lot of time in a wheelchair. So basically every couple years I would just have to get these surgeries to put a Band-Aid on the issue. I had already had one surgery to fix the issue and now I was going to need another one… That’s another story for another blog.
My body lets my physical therapist know when it’s had enough. My leg will literally stop any movement. If that makes any sense at all. It truly is amazing how the human body works to protects itself. I am learning the saying, move it or lose it, is so very true. I’m doing everything I can on my own to move my legs as much as I can, and my husband is also trying to help as much as possible. He has his own back issues and it causes him a lot of pain helping me. So it’s a lot of moaning and groaning going on as he moves me around. Old people problems. 😜
Patience is something that I have to work on. It really isn’t one of my virtues. I am learning and I know that it took 6 1/2 years to get to this place so it’s not going to be fixed overnight. This time I will not give up. This time I will not give in. This time I will fight for my life!
Have courage and be kind. 
Oh the pain… the pain!
I had my FaceTime neurologist appointment and PT yesterday. Both went well. But… I am paying for the PT today. 😳
I so hope this is true for me. We actually got my right leg into a 90° angle. That was crazy. My left side, not so much. Today Roger (hubby) rolled blankets to keep my knees and legs a little more normal. It hurts quite a bit, but no pain no gain! Thank the universe for cannabis. 😏
Stretching everything is going to be a painful process, but the outcome will be phenomenal! Now here is the shitty part… No more visits per Independence Blue Cross. 🙄 I have to call Monday and get the pain management doctor to call in more visits. WTF!!! My concern is all the work we have accomplished last week will fade away waiting for Insurance to allow me more visits. I really don’t understand how they have the right to run my healthcare. It’s mind boggling. The worst part is that it will start all over. What that means is, I will have to have an admission visit again, then an evaluation visit again, and then the PT visits start. What a fucking racket. All the while people like me are screwed. I just keep telling myself to keep breathing. This will work out, we will find a way. Sadly this just proves to me why people do give up. We have to jump through so many hoops, it weakens our soul.
^^^ I say this, I just wish I could truly believe it.
Have courage and be kind. 
The light at the end of the tunnel perhaps…
I had my first in-home physical therapy appointment today. I’m almost afraid to be as happy as I am about it. Muscles were moved today that haven’t been moved for 6+ years. My right leg knee hip ankle, yeah the whole thing 😜 after a few minutes, didn’t hurt as badly. The left leg, on the pain scale a 10. He was almost afraid that my hip was out of the socket. Thankfully it’s not. I realized how the body protects itself today when at a certain point my leg went tight. It basically said, no more! Some of the problem is the knee. I have a frontal torn meniscus and wow!  It’s something that was never taken care of because it was the second time it happened. That’s a whole other story. A good thing is he is going to let them know what I need for my legs. Starting with a knee brace for my left knee. He was so helpful and even did the breathing with me. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but a couple times I thought my leg was going to snap.
He will be coming back Friday. The problem I may run into is, of course, Independence Blue Cross. At this point I have four visits. Technically the first nurse visit to fill out the paperwork, and the PT visit just to assess my situation, along with the last visit when they sign you out of rehab whatever, and the visit today, that’s already four visits. 😳 Now that he knows the range of motion and what it’s going to take to help me, I should get more visits. I think I’m going to have to send an email to Jason at Independence Blue Cross. * I know there are many run-on sentences. I’m a little medicated as the pain right now is pretty high. Kind of like me. 😏
After PT I actually felt positive. That is kind of a strange feeling for me. I am going to go with it and see where it takes me. I just hope that Independence Blue Cross will allow me enough visits. I am definitely going to need a month or two since it’s only a couple times a week. If we can get everything stretched out then I’ll be able to get back in my wheelchair. Right now, that’s really all I’m pushing for. Once that happens, I can possibly get Physical Therapy to help me be able to transfer on my own. It could happen…
Have courage and be kind.
The Coronavirus and You!
From a Very Wise Friend
Let’s say you wake up with a terrible cough, fever and body ache. You immediately go to the doctor and unfortunately you are diagnosed with covid-19. In the last two weeks you were not aware that you were infected, and you ignored “the rules”.
You hung out with some friends to eat a pizza, you invited people home and you even went to a park and a beach. You thought “I don’t feel sick. I have the right to continue living a normal life. No one can tell me what to do. ”
With the diagnosis of Covid-19 you spend the next few days on the sofa in your house quite badly, but soon you feel better, because you are young, you are healthy and you are strong. How lucky you are!
But you infected your best friend during that visit to your house, and since she didn’t know she was infected, she visited her 82-year-old grandfather, who uses oxygen to help him breathe because he has COPD and heart problems. Now he is dead.
Your co-worker, who has asthma, also caught the virus from you. Now he is in the ICU and he also infected his family members, who will not know it for two weeks yet. The boy who charged you for the pizza at the restaurant took the virus home, his wife has multiple sclerosis and this makes her immunosuppressed, she is not as lucky as you, so they take her to the hospital because she cannot breathe. They may need to induce a coma and intubate her. You may not be able to say goodbye to your loved ones. She may die surrounded by machines, without her relatives around her.
And all this because you were uncomfortable wearing your face mask or you did not like to stay at home or change your routines for a little bit over all other rights, and you wanted to continue living your life normally; You also believe that no one, no one, has the right to tell you what to do. But:
#socialdistance – NOT for you!
#usacovers – NOT for you!
#stayathome – NOT for you!
IT’S FOR EVERYONE! Responsibility and empathy is called. IF YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, 😷 you take care of the ones you love the most. Think about it! 🤔
Copy and paste it! That’s how I did it.
Have courage and be kind.
Baby steps
Today’s fun is trying to get my ankles used to wearing my Forrest Gump shoes again. 😂 It’s been a while and I think my legs are going to be pissed off at me tonight. 🤷🏻♀️
Tomorrow we will be trying to get me in the chair again. My lower back is still hurting really bad so we didn’t want to push it today.
And now I’ve had these on now for 2 1/2 hours and I think that’s long enough for today. 
Baby steps… 🖤
Have courage and be kind.
We can’t do it alone…
Since my husband’s been home thanks to the corona, we’ve been moving my legs more and more. It’s all been leading up to getting me into my chair. Today was that day. I wish I could say that it worked and I got into my chair. But I can’t. The pain in my lower back, my hips, and my knees was so excruciating I couldn’t do it. I was scared we were going to fracture another bone in my back. I’m so angry and bawling like a little kid. I’m angry at myself that I just didn’t bite the bullet and have them throw me into my chair. The pain was/is worse than the contractions I experienced giving birth to my son. 😢
We will try again, hopefully tomorrow. But after today, I’m scared… so scared. It really feels like I’ll never get out of his bed. I am bedridden in every sense of the word. I know I say it all the time, but wow, did my doctors drop the ball in 2013. And wow, did Independence Blue Cross fuck me in regards to Rehab. It just sucks knowing that there is no way to get help. We can’t do it alone. I’m thankful that tomorrow is my counseling appointment as I’m falling apart right now. I’m so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t do it. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am.
Oh well…
Have courage and be kind.
You’ll get through this!
I have made it through a couple times where I didn’t think I was going to make it. I wish I could say that it’s going to be OK, but I don’t know. I’m trying really hard every day and hoping that something is going to give. I just can’t go another 6+ years in this bed. I’ve had to learn patience, which has never been one of my virtues. I really want to stay positive but I don’t see me getting the help that I need. I’ve been in this bed for over six years and my body has, well, died in a sense. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of hard work to make my legs go back to a normal position. Unfortunately, we don’t have the money or the good insurance to get the help I need. And in this moment in my life, unless you’re trapped the way I am trapped, I understand you’re not going to understand. I know, blah blah blah. I just needed to vent it out. I’m struggling, but I’ll get through this. I’ll get through this to wake up trapped again. But, I’ll do it because that’s what everyone wants. OK, that didn’t come out the way it was supposed to, but I think some of you understand.
My legs are jacked the fuck up. I can’t straighten my knees or bend my ankles properly. I’ve been stuck in this bed for so long as I sit up, in my adjustable bed, I get dizzy. My body has literally died being in this bed. Ten to twenty, and I’m being generous, physical therapy visits won’t do anything for me. I can’t sit up unless I have help or something is behind me. But like I’ve stated before, Independence Blue Cross took me out too soon from the rehab. I was sitting up on my own. But when you get kicked out of rehab and you get no good in-home physical therapy, it all goes away.
Yes I know it’s obvious I’m struggling. I just am not sure how to wrap my head around it all. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore and that’s what scares me. But I’ll keep fighting and hopefully one day it will take me to where I need to be.
I’m sorry if it’s all over the place right now. But I can’t get my thoughts in order so, there it is.
Have courage and be kind.
Making it Through the Rain 