I made this last night and posted on Facebook because that was the type of day/night I was having. Sometimes I will literally put my pillow over my face and scream at the top of my lungs. It really does help. 🤷🏻♀️￼
The word fuck has so many different meanings. It can be used for pleasure, anger, sarcasm, jokes. I will admit, it’s my favorite word.￼￼ I’ve heard that people who are sarcastic and/or use profanity are more intelligent than those that don’t. I mean hey, I fully believe that. 😜 No, I really do believe it.
I’m pretty sure I did a blog about this sometime ago, but I’m too damn lazy to check. And I don’t care. LOL I feel if I wanna do the same blog post every fucking day, I can. 😂
I’ve been told to act my age, grow up, etc.… Fuck that. I’m 55, soon to be 56 in March, I can do what I fucking want. I tell people that I’m level 55 or 30 with 25 years experience. I mean, I’ve never been this age before, so I’m not really sure who I need to look to for age ￼experience. My body feels like it’s 1 million years old, my mind is that of a teenager. I never want to lose that part of me. That’s the part of me that gets me through the nights that I don’t want to get through. ￼
I’m learning that I can no longer care what people think of me. I’ve done that my whole life and I haven’t been happy. I’ve been judged by so many people and when I look at the people who are doing it, glass houses… I’m done conforming to what people want me to be. Like I’ve said, I’m going to be unapologetically me. Those that do not like the new me, can fuck off. My real family my real friends will embrace this me. The other people don’t matter. I am still a work in progress regarding this. But I’ll get there.To anyone reading this, be unapologetically you as well. You’re the only one that lives your life! ♥️
Bahahaha you know this is true! There are no more presents to wrap because by now they’ve all been unwrapped. People are deciding if they should take down Christmas immediately or if they should wait and take down on New Year’s. The malls are still pretty crowded because people are doing returns and/or finding what they think are deals after the holiday. People in the work force are praying that their company will also give them the day before New Year’s off. Who doesn’t want a four day weekend?
Then you have people like me who can’t distinguish one day from the next. I still use an old-fashioned calendar to mark days off as they go so I don’t get lost. 😂 I would love to be able to blame this solely on multiple sclerosis, but I can’t. I mean I have become more scatterbrained but I’ve always been a little off. LMAO just ask people that have known me for years. Trust me they will tell you the truth. 🤔 I am not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
I think the five days between these two holidays are quite similar to the feeling you get when you’re sitting next to a stranger and you’re not really sure where to put your arm(s). You know that feeling… You don’t want to touch them but you also don’t wanna look standoffish or rude so you fiddle with your arms as you’re not sure how to hold them. What ever will you do…
And with that please remember to always have courage and be kind! 🖤
I can’t help it, I love that movie and that part of the movie. One of my favorite movie lines! #MrDeeds
My blog title has nothing to do with how I’m feeling though. Living with so much uncertainty in life sucks! I’m always waiting for that other proverbial shoe to drop. I ask myself every day why do I even bother getting up in the morning err waking up because I don’t really get up at all. 🤔
Most people have something to look forward to they can make future plans. I don’t have that option. I have no way to a slow or stop my progression of my MS so I really do wonder why I bother. But, I will wake up every morning and lie this bed and figure out a way to get through each day lying in this bed. I think I need to invest in a good mattress LMAO but that won’t happen until pigs fly out of my ass. 😂🤣 Good mattresses are too fucking expensive. What a rip off.
That is all for now… I know you’re happy about that. Remember, have courage and be kind!
Seriously, some days I wonder why the hell I even bother waking up. No, I don’t mean the alternative. It just gets harder and harder it seems, to be trapped in this bed. Three months ago I was at the point where I didn’t care anymore. I kept my self medicated so I didn’t have to think about being in this prison. But then, I got help. My mind set changed and I saw that there was some hope left. In a perfect world I would’ve been able to remain there until I could actually get up on my own. And no, I don’t mean up being a dancing fool, just able to transfer myself from my bed to my wheelchair. In this world, insurance would have none of that. 😳
So I’ve been lying here for the last two days, angry and a little bit lost. It seems that since I had a glimpse of what might happen, I am not handling being trapped very well anymore. Hell, without the help I need, nothing is going to change. I feel like I’m fooling myself in a sense when I say that I can do this on my own. I want to keep that positive facade going so everyone thinks everything’s great… but it’s not. And no, I’m not giving up, but I am looking for alternatives. 🤔
I’ve been mindlessly watching movies for the last two days. Anything to keep my mind off of everything that I cannot do anymore. As I’m watching I constantly wiggle my butt 😏 move my arms 💪🏻 and try and strengthen myself. But in all honesty, that’s not going to change very much for me. Right now while I’m talk typing, I’m wiggling my hips back-and-forth. Just keep moving is my new motto, and moving is what I will keep doing as much as I can. If only my dogs 🐶 had opposable thumbs and could understand me and be able to talk and be strong enough to lift me up, everything would be aces. 😂 It could happen.
Okay, back to the real world. I think the worst part for me is that in my mind I can see myself moving my legs enough to be able to get transferred to my wheelchair. I can’t explain it properly. Sometimes as I’m lying here I can almost feel my body move on its own. I know that sounds like some crazy psychotic shit. LOL I wish I had the proper words for it. But I am literally drawing a blank. It’s like I can see myself outside of myself. Okay, now I’m really going in to the realms of crazy psycho woman. 🤣 And I think I just said back to the real world. Welcome to my mind. 😳
I am now going to bid you farewell for the night. You can thank me later. 💋
Yesterday I went to see my neurologist. I finally got to use my new wheelchair.
When the doctor came in the room he looked at me and said, “You look so good!! No one would know you have primary progressive MS.“ I’m never really sure what to say when I hear something like that, so I just smile. We discussed the infusion, the newest DMD (disease modifying drugs), Ocrevus. He said he would get an appointment for me and the drug rep as soon as possible. He is very worried about the ‘serious‘ side effects. We all know that the medications for MS do come with very serious side effects. The problem for me, is my urostomy. I am prone to kidney and bladder infections as well as kidney and bladder stones. Because my immune system is overactive, it’s fights off some of the infection. If I am put on a medication that suppresses my immune system, I could very easily become septic. So I’m kind of screwed. At least he is giving me the option and I will be talking to the drug rep about it. Hell, I haven’t had a cold or a flu for so many years thanks to my overactive immune system. The only time I have gotten sick was when I was on a couple of the DMD‘S many years ago.
Then I did my normal, “I need prescriptions“. The main medication I need is the daily antibiotic I have to take, twice a day, for my issues. Rapture! LOL and we definitely cannot forget my antidepressants. Without those no one wants to be around me. 😈
After that we went to Walgreens to pick up my new prescriptions and then we went and got some dinner. I was only up for about three hours, but it totally kicked my ass. Today I am running on empty.
Sadly that is what MS does to us… At least the majority of us. It’s very rare that we can go and do things, and then be able to go and do things the next day. It’s very depressing, especially when you were someone who was always on the go. This disease changes is and takes away everything we once were. That is why we must be stronger than our MS. We must fight it every day, which sucks hairy balls, but that’s what we have to do. And we do it because we are warriors!
Have courage and be kind
** I will be back with my positivity journey very soon. So much love to all! ♥️
It’s been so long. But I found a spot, even if only for a moment, there was no pain. It could be the adjustable bed, it could be the medicinal meds. ✌️ Whatever it is, it is AH-mazing!!! I can’t lay on my side or move that much, so for the last four years I’ve literally been on my back. (minds out of the gutter) and now as I am talking this blog in to my phone, I’m starting to feel a little bit of pain. It’s mainly the butt bone!! 🤪 If my butt had a voice it would probably tell me to get the fuck off of it!
So I’m watching ‘Grace and Frankie’, season four. It’s freaking funny as shit! And yes that is how my mind works, it flies from one thing to another. I can’t keep up with it most days. That’s probably why I do not sleep easily. My mind goes from 0 to 60 in about a fraction of a second.
So, hey, I just adjusted my bed and now the pain is gone again… Hooray! And now I have one dog sleeping between my legs under the covers and my adorable little pit mix, who is as sweet as the day is long, lying next to me.
^^^ And this is what happens when I am bored, unsupervised, and highly medicated. Snapchat pictures with filters. Does it get more boring than that??!! You have to admit they are fun and they make you look adorable. So why the fuck not.