I’m trying really hard to find my way back from my depression. But right now my demons are circling around me and they’re not letting go. When Jason told me that I am not covered under my insurance to get to my doctors appointments, I think that was the straw that broke this camels back. First they deny me the only thing that will save me, Acute rehabilitation, and now they’re literally keeping me from my doctors. How do people that are bedridden afford to get to the doctors? I cannot pay $400 to $500 every time I need to see my doctor.￼￼ The following picture is something that I never really wanted to share but these are my legs. I cannot bend my ankles so my feet are what I call, ballerina feet. I cannot straighten my knees. And as you can tell my legs flop to the sides and I cannot turn them so that they sit properly. This is what six years of being trapped does to you when you have doctors that don’t help you and insurance companies that keep you from getting the care you need.
Let me explain how painful it is when my legs decide to tense up. My feet get even straighter and my toes start to curl and there’s nothing I can do to stop it because I cannot sit up to grab my leg or to rub the area that’s hurt. Because I can’t sit up on my own. As I’m talk texting this it’s hard to see because I haven’t been able to stop crying since I was told by Jason basically, fuck you bitch. I mean basically we’re not gonna help you get your legs back in order. Without rehab nothing is ever going to change for me. ￼I’ve had people ask me how come I didn’t realize this was happening to me. I’m not a fucking doctor dickhead. It wasn’t just one thing that led to this. ￼The following pictures happened soon after I became bedridden. The surgeries for my colostomy and urostomy fucked up. I’m still pissed off that they saved me because I was really hoping they just would’ve let me die when it went bad.
I had the surgery June 10, 2014. it took about four days I guess for a nurse to realize something was wrong so they opened me back up and ￼￼I had to have a wound VAC to close the hole in my stomach. So for 11 months after the depression was completely and utterly consuming￼. Because of the problems they had with the colostomy they ended up giving me an ileostomy. That was probably the worst thing that could ever have been done to me. I told them that if they did not fix it when my first wound heals up, that I was leaving earth because there was no way I was going to live with an ileostomy. Now if I were able to move and do things I might not of felt so drastic about it but when you’re trapped and everyone else has to fix it for you, maybe you’d understand. 11 months after they redid the surgery, and it worked but that surgery also needed a smaller wound VAC￼ and the depression again was fucking terrible!￼￼￼ ￼So let’s recap…￼ I fell on October 10, 2013 (became bedridden) ￼the following year June 2014, I had the surgery which I wish had killed me, then in 2015 I had the surgery to fix the fuck up.￼ So for the next two years I thought I had to come to terms with having a colostomy and urostomy. Unless you’ve been there you have no fucking idea what it makes you feel like. I still to this day do not like to look at my stomach. You really have no idea how badly I wish I had died in that original surgery. ￼ for the more graphic and full story you can check out my post here.￼
I know that some of this makes no sense at all because it still doesn’t make any sense to me. I now have no fucking idea how I’m supposed to get to my doctors. They canceled my bladder stone surgery until April 29. Of course I knew that was going to happen, but now I have no way to get to the pre-op appointments for the bloodwork, x-rays, urine samples, everything they need before surgery.￼￼ I really believe that this is independence blue cross’ way of telling me fuck you bitch we don’t give a shit whether you live or die. Basically we’re not going to help you. We’re not gonna help you get the care you need, we’re not going to help you get to your doctors appointments, and even if you do get to your doctors appointments we’re not going to give you the care that your doctors want you to have. I know that was a huge run-on sentence, but I talk text so it’s as if you and I are sitting there talking with each other. ￼￼￼
I’m really trying to hold on here. I’m really trying to find my way back to the light, but my demons have their closet me right now and they are not letting up. Unfortunately for my demons they don’t realize that it’s when I’m pushed to my limit, when I am shoved headfirst into the ground, that I will rise again like a phoenix. It may take me a minute but I’ll get there and God or the universe or whatever you believe in, help anyone that has tried to keep me down. ￼￼Because when I come back, I will come back with a vengeance.
Always remember just like a realtor, it’s all about location location location. The more you know…￼
Have courage and be kind.￼￼
There really are not enough. I’m in a pretty dark place right now I’ve never been afraid of not being able to get out of it. But my problems at this time start with MS and of course that disgusting corporation Independence Blue Cross. I am very angry right now… SOOO angry. They are literally killing me right now by not allowing me the medical necessity rehab and the ability to get to my doctors.￼￼￼ How do you people that are bedridden get to their doctors. I know, they go broke trying to pay for it on their own, ￼Because Independence Blue Cross won’t. I’ve barely able to wake up the past few days because the fatigue from the stress and the depression is taking over right now. Fuck Independence Blue Cross fuck, the people that work for them that deny life-saving care just a big fuck you! I really hope Karma finds every last one of you and does her thing. Because you truly deserve what’s coming to you. I’m sorry but to work for a corporation where consciously know that you will be denying people life-saving care, you already have something fucked up in your make up. Because I know I could never work in a place like that, so yes, you’re already fucked up in the head.￼ So sorry if this hurt anyone’s feelings… ￼bahahaha no I’m not! I only speak the truth.
I’m sorry it’s a little dark today, but I can barely keep my eyes open and when they do open the tears just stream down my face. I’m angry and I’m broken and no one gives a fuck.￼￼￼
But no matter how I feel always, have courage and be kind.￼ 🖤
I’m finding myself in the rabbit hole that is depression. Many of us struggle with this on a daily basis. No matter how strong we are, no matter how brave we try to be, depression can punch us in the stomach like a wrecking ball.
Hope has become paralyzing…
Have courage and be kind.￼￼
I am sure I have shared this before, but it is a quote I hold very dear. Most nights I go to sleep, I pray I don’t wake up…￼￼ ￼
Have courage and be kind.￼
With everybody freaking out about being quarantined to their homes and not being able to go out to dinner, go shopping, etc.… This is nothing new for some of us. ￼I’m not sure how to feel about it. It’s actually quite depressing. So for everyone whose lives are being up-ended over this, please get over yourselves. For some of us it’s life as usual.
Buuuuut… I get it, it’s hard. Really I’m sorry that by doing this you’re protecting the elderly and those people with chronic illness and autoimmune disorders. I completely understand that it’s affecting your life. And I’m sorry that people like me have to take extra precautions￼. ￼￼ I mean seriously, bless your little hearts. ￼￼But, again, get over your damn selves and just deal with it. ￼￼😏
Have courage and be kind.￼￼￼￼
I would love to say that Independence Blue Cross is actually ‘working’ for me and that we have gotten my non-emergent transport taken care of￼. Unfortunately that’s not the case. I’ve actually been to a couple appointments using the non-emergent transport. Sadly I see future problems with this. When I called to get the pre-certification for transport I was told I wasn’t the one that should be calling￼ 😳⁉️ I was informed that my doctor needs to call every and explain that I’m bedridden thus needing the gurney transport. ￼Are they fucking kidding me? My doctor has to stop his practice to contact this ridiculous company to tell them that I am in fact, bedridden and need this service. Again, are they fucking kidding me?￼ So I put a call in to Jason to see what we could do about this. We spoke for a couple days as he was trying to find out the correct information for me regarding pre-certification. On March 6 I was told he would call me back on Monday, March 9 and let me know how I go about it. ￼￼￼My doctors appointment was for March 13 and he never called me back during that week.￼ 🤔 My appointment at my doctors was on Friday the 13th. I was not going to cancel my appointment, so I ￼went ahead and got my transport and will definitely be billing them for that trip as well. The total now out of my pocket thanks to no help from my insurance company, is $940. ￼￼
Should I have called him and asked why he wasn’t calling me back? That’s a big no. When someone tells me they’re going call me back, that’s what they’re supposed to do. I’m shocked at the incompetence of Independence Blue Cross and they are rent-a-docs and their employees.￼￼ The worst part about all of this is it’s seriously is fucking with my health. I know I sound like a broken record, but without rehab I have nothing. I think it’s finally time I either, shit or get off the toilet… I know that analogy is not the best but 😂￼￼ I really am not over exaggerating when I say this is life or death for me. I think maybe it’s time I go public. I think it’s time I show people what companies like Independence Blue Cross do to people who truly need their help. I think it’s time I take back my life, adjust my crown, and remind people who the hell they’re dealing with.
I know this blog is kind of all over the place but I really feel like I’m losing my mind. I know I’ve said this before but I really feel like I’m on an episode of punked. Real life really is stranger than fiction. I just want to get better. I just need the proper medical help that my doctors feel I should have. Sadly no one gets it until they get it and the way these people are making me feel, I hope they do get it. 🤭 I really don’t like feeling that way but I do believe that for every person that is keeping life-saving medical care from me, because they’re putting money first, ￼Karma will be introducing herself at some point. Good luck! ￼￼￼
Have courage and be kind.￼￼￼￼