Tag: illness

Health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Talking Positive…

Tracy21 Comments

Now, while I know a positive attitude is ‘healthy’ that does not mean I have to be positive all the time. My friend Vicki pointed me to fabulous blog;
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/02/cancer-positive-thinking-barbara-ehrenreich

Lines like ‘enough of all this positive shit – let us just adjust and rage and kick ass if we want’, had me peeing myself…literally!

I am so happy for people that can be honestly positive and happy. I think it’s awesome. I was there once. But, sometimes in life, shit happens and sometimes it’s not positive. I’m positive I have primary progressive MS. I’m positive it helped to cause my degenerative disc dis-order, fatigue, incontinence, tremors, spiders [feeling like something is crawling all over me], migraines, depression, eye problems, constant  numbness, oh and the little issue of no longer being able to walk. So I’m positively pissed off and angry. Is that really so very terrible?

Just because I am not always positive does not mean I’m not happy. Does not mean good things don’t happen to me. I am happy, most days, and good things do happen to me.

But when well meaning [idiots] tell me maybe if I was more positive I could heal my body. Really??

HA!

Don’t get me wrong, most people do mean well. But some are just psycho, new age, get stung by bees, snake oil sales people. And those people can be ‘deadly’ to someone with a true illness. People told my friend Vicki to drink her own urine for her cancer! WTF is that about. My sister had stage 3 breast cancer, if she had listened to these morons, she would not be here right now. We all know and hear that many hardcore medications are poison, but it saved my sister. She is in her 6th year of remission. Drinking urine would have killed her. She is an R.N. and knew what she had to do to survive, like Vicki. I’m very glad they did, and they are still here!

Others told my friend Carol maybe her cancer came because her faith was not right/good. WOW!! I was told the same things. Or like the moronic book, The Secret, I intended it. Really??! And people believe this shite? I’m thinking they must not be the brightest stars in the sky! I’m POSITIVE they have mental illness! There, some positivity for you! 😛

I’ll get off my positive soap box, for now.

Blessings and Hope!

PAIN · Ramblings

You want real…

Tracy14 Comments

I’m pissy, bitchy, and full of negative energy today. Everything and everyone is irritating me in some way. Some, it is all them. Some , it is all me. I have no patience at all today for ignorance or even the tiniest bit of ‘stupidity’! I have so much to do it seems, but can never find the time or the energy to get it all done. I was always a ‘if it can be done then do it now’ kind of girl. So, now not being able to just do it anymore highly irritates me. I look at those around me and wonder why they cannot just get up and get it done. If I was well, I would. So, why the hell don’t they??

I look at my house and cry. It is not my house!! My house would be clean, all the time. Dusted, vacuumed etc. Now, it is not that way. It’s tidy, but not spit spot clean like I always did it. My yard is awful, grass dead and not many flowers or nice landscape. If I was well it would be amazing like it was at my old house before I got sick. My kids do more than most kids and my hubby is always doing something. But, I still get so angry that they cannot just do the things that need to get done. The things that look like crap around my home. I know that it is my issue, my problem if you will. I am pissed off and mad at myself for not being able to do the things myself. Sadly, I project it on to those around me. I know it is wrong to do so, but it hurts too damn much to know it is my fault it is not getting done. The fucking disease that has taken me from me and from my family and is continuing to take. The greedy MonSter that wants my soul.

Every day it steals more of my life from me. DON’T tell me it could be worse!! It is going to get worse. It’s progressive and I am sick to death of people saying such an asinine thing to someone with a chronic [any] chronic disease. Until you walk, err roll a mile in my chair then please just shut up!!! This is ‘my’ worse. When you make such a hurtful statement like that to someone you downplay their pain. If you have a cold, allergies etc then yes, quit whining as it could be worse and your problem is going to go away. Chronic illness’ do not go away. And most times they progress for the person. So, until you have a clue of what you speak…do not speak!!

This has been eating me up for so many years. I had someone tell me once that it was all in my head. [a relative, not on my side] For once, she was right, well sort of. It is actually on the nerves on my brain and spine, but some are in my ‘head’. If I was the type to put my family on egg shells, I probably would have punched her in the mouth. But, you can’t help ignorance I guess. So I just kind of laughed and looked away. It took all my energy not to scream!

Every day I feel bad. Every day I have fatigue. Every day I have anxiety. Every day I get weaker. Every day I cannot walk. Every day I have pain. Every day I cry. Then…I get up, I put on my mask for those around me, I smile through my pain, I laugh at my shakes, I make jokes about my incontinence, I lend an ear to anyone who needs, I am strong for my kids, I tell my husband I’m ok. Then when the night-time comes, I sit in the silence, the only light from my bff, my Mac. I cry in silence for what has been lost, I cry in silence for the wife and mommy that has slowly been taken from my family, I cry for what is yet to come…I cry.

Blessings and Hope

 

Ramblings

It’s all Relative!

Tracy6 Comments

So, how are you? Really…

A simple question, but for me a loaded question. How do I answer this question? Truthfully, partially true, or do I lie my ass off. People mean well, but in my experience when they ask you how you are, it is only to be kind. Many do not want the ‘truth’ for the real honest truth is on many occasions, depressing. Not for me really as I live it, but for them. So, what do you say?

My usual answers are, “I’m OK”, “I’m alive”, “I’m breathing”, or “I’m good.”

On any given day I have pain, fatigue, shakes, spiders [inner tremors], migraine, weakness, incontinence, eye floaties, depression, and always the ‘walking’ issue! lol Now 90% I do not have these all at the same time. [Thank God] But there is the 10%. For me, this is just my life. So it is easier to say things are OK then, “well I am having the shakes and a migraine” or “I feel yuck, bad MS day!” I hate bringing others down, and I can hear it in their voices when I am ‘honest’ about it. I always say that losing my ability to walk wouldn’t be so bad if all the other things did not come with it. [explained above]

I miss having energy the most. The fatigue causes the depression which in turn cause stress, which in turn causes flare ups! Sometimes you just can’t win for losing. But, again, this is my reality and I am learning to deal with as best I can. Do I always deal with it well? Sometimes…not so much! rofl But we are all allowed our ‘bad’ days, aren’t we? Hey, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! lol

I also see things as relative to the person dealing with it. I have a close a friend [Amers] who has had tummy issues for a long time now. She deals with pain and vomiting. At times it was a daily issue for her and she dealt with it like such a trooper. She is also an Army wife and has had to deal with deployments and the fears that come with it. She also deals with parental [adult] abuse. Which after 33 years, she stood up and took charge! [Amers, if you are reading, remember…I am soooo proud of you!!] Yet, after dealing with all of this, she would always say how she felt bad for complaining to me because of what I go through. I would always tell her it is all relative to the person dealing with the issue. Like when some say, “It could be worse.” Really? This is happening to me, this is my ‘worse’! I hate when people say that! And the ones who say it, usually are the ‘healthies’. So shaddup please!! And yes it could be worse, I could lose all my abilities totally. So, again, SHADDUP!!!

Now, with that being said…if you have a cough, a cold, a touch of the flu, remember it will go away! You will be back to your normal, so try not to complain too much! OK! I’ll trade your issue with mine any day. So take your cough medicine, see your doctor and get over it! I know at the time it seems like the end, but again, it will go away. Sometimes I just wanna say, “Should I call the whaaambulance?”, “Would you like some cheese with that whine?”, “Need a Mt. BooHoo?”. I could go on, but you get the point! rofl

So, the next time you ask someone how they are doing, make sure you really want to know!

Blessings and Peace!