Depression · family · Happiness · hope · humiliation · lonliness · love · multiple sclerosis · Pain · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · Wheelchair

No Walk for the Wicked… err, Roll!

I know I know, you’re all dying to know if i made the walk.. Well, by my title, nope!

My legs are swelling so much and the pain is seeping in. Been lying in my bed with my legs elevated and watching Grimm on DVR. Roger and Shelby went to the walk, which makes me feel better. I’ll get my t-shirt!! 😉 Hoping they get some good photos I can share of my fabulous team, Tracy’s MSkateer’s!

I know I’ve been kind of a bummer in a couple of my blogs… don’t mean to be. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I can’t shake the blues off of my shoulders. Believe me, I fight them every day. On the up side, even when I’m down… I’ll never stay down for too long!

Truth!

I’m lucky, as no matter how bad it gets I have the best support system behind me. My family and friends rock and always make me smile no matter how hard the tears are falling. That, in itself, makes me one of the luckiest people in the World! Now if only I could win the Lotto! 😛

Love and Light, Tracy

mindless-thoughts · Ramblings

Memories of a love lost…

They were apart, it was her doing. Come back she cried. No, he was through. Her insecurities and cruel comments were too much to take. He tried to understand, but it was over…this time. She could not breathe. How could she live without him in her life? How could she show him it would be different? She was so scared, scared he would leave her so she figured she’d be cruel. That it was her making him go. She could not understand why he loved her. She was nothing, he was everything. He would cheat someday, didn’t they all. Now he was gone. Her love, her life.

They were young. She knew from the moment she saw him, she loved him. Tall, dark hair, hazel eyes. Her heart. But it could not last, would not last. She trusted no one. And her fears inevitably would push him away. She had loved before, but never loved to her soul. Her first love. Words spoken. Some can never be taken back. He told her once she made him feel important, loved. And she did love him, with every ounce of her being. But, now he was gone. He was not coming back. How was she supposed to live, to go on?

She’d smile and laugh in public. In private, her tears burned her cheeks every day. They talked, she heard him drive by. Run to the window, please stop. Her heart beating fast, anticipation. She’d watch him drive away. He stopped once, came to the door. She had someone there, no one really, but he just looked and walked away. She wanted to run, to run and tell him she loved him. Without him she could not survive. But, she stood frozen. He had said to leave him alone once, so she did. Letting go she hoped would show him how much she loved him. It was all she had to offer.

Months passed, he found someone new. A child on the way. Her heart broke that day. Would her tears ever end? Would her heart ever mend?

One last time, at a friends. They ran into one another. She tried to be so strong. She saw it in his eyes, he did still love her. But it was too late. As the song says, ‘Letting go, is just another way to say I’ll always love you so.’ She had to let go, she had to find herself again…could she. Has she now?

*********************

She has love now. She loves for the last time. But, sometimes in the night she sees his face. Did he ever really love her? She was told once, she was his first love as well. Then why was it so easy to let her go. Does he ever think of her? Does he ever wonder, what if?  Does it matter anymore? A part of her heart disappeared that cold day never to return.

Letting go…

Blessings and Hope

Ramblings

My iBot…

The night is my time to come alive. My family is home, safe, and asleep in their beds. The sound of Rogers snoring brings a peaceful feeling knowing he is here with me. In a way it makes me feel ‘normal’. [whatever normal is] I do not feel useless in the night. There is no reason to get up and go. Being in my bed, blogging, playing games, requires no walking.

The daytime brings feelings of emptiness. There are so many things I want to be doing, so many things I want to accomplish. Those things must be forgotten now and a new story has to be written. I miss being able to work outside of the home. I loved working, being around people, the excitement of it all. But again, a new story must be written. How do we write that story?

I once had a chair, a chair that brought me back to life. It empowered me. I went through all the training for the chair. My insurance paid for the months of training, but then denied me the chair. So my father made it possible for me to purchase the chair. I cannot tell you how full of joy I was when he told me we would get the chair. My insurance company [Pacificare] called it a luxury item and therefore they would not pay. The chair is/was called the iBot. It could go into a 4 wheel drive mode so I could get up curbs and thresholds. It could rise to 6′ on two wheels using a gyro system. I was able to reach things again, go to peoples home and actually get in the door. But, it was a luxury.

Then after everything, within one week we got a notice saying they would no longer be offering the iBot. The cost was too high [26,000] and insurance companies would not pay so it was not cost effective for them. They would offer 3 years warranty but after that you are on your own. We chose to return the chair as if something went wrong the cost to fix it would not be worth it for us. A certain part costs 5000.00 and that is not covered after 18 months.

I remember going to Sam’s club and feeling so empowered. I went up in the two wheel function and was tall again. Instead being looked at and asked what happened, people stopped to ask about the chair. Not to pity me. The chair gave me my independence, my life back.

I remember the day the rep came to take the chair back and return the money. It felt like I was being told I had MS all over again. My independence was leaving through the front door. I tried to smile and make it ok, but the tears slowly fell from my eyes. This chair, considered a luxury by the insurance company, gave me back hope. I could reach things in my house again, I could get a glass on my own, cook on the stove w/o burning my arm. Now it was gone. As he drove away with my chair, a part of me went as well.

In Walmart yesterday an item I needed was on the top shelf. My first thought was the iBot. I was so embarrassed that I could not reach it. Luckily an adorable associate came back to the aisle for me and got it down. I thanked her and rolled away with tears welling up in my eyes. Independence lost!

We ended up using the money to purchase a handicapped accessible van. We did need one, so there is the positive. But, I miss that tiny bit of freedom I got back. Even if it was only for a short time. I miss my iBot!

I still get angry at their comment that it is a luxury chair. Is it a luxury to go up a curb? Is it a luxury to be able to reach things? Is it a luxury to have a chair that can get you on grass so you are able to see your child play soccer? Is it a luxury to have a true quality of life? I truly wonder how these people would feel about it if someone they loved needed one. Bet they would get it paid for.

The iBot would have been my new story of independence. But now that story must be re-written as well. So, tell me, how do we write that story. I truly need to know.

On a lighter note… if you know any millionaires that have money to spare and are looking for a cause, look no further! Here I am!! 😛

Blessings and Peace!

UPDATE! OK, so my hubbies snoring is now like razor blades going through my brain!! Where is an iron skillet!! If I have to roll him over one more time it will off the bed!! rofl