Tag: Fear

Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN

In Dreams – Falling / Doctors

Tracy3 Comments

She is falling, her dress flies all around her, she sees no end, not stopping, no slowing down. Visions pass by her eyes as if she is seeing her life all around her. Pictures in her mind of days long ago. Smiles, laughter, anguish, fear, so many feelings. Faces she remembers, faces that have no meaning. Are they of people to come or of those from a past time? Falling still, has time stopped or just slowed down to let her see. She reaches out to certain pictures, places she wants time to stop and bring back to her. The dress tickles at her face as it flows around her. She cannot help but laugh.

Faster, faster she falls. It is much to dark here. Fear hits, she can feel the blood flowing through her veins. No more laughter, she wants to stop falling. She cries out, no one hears, no one is there. The faces she sees flying by her are no longer smiling. They’re distorted, angry, scared. She closes her eyes, no longer wanting to see. Two words go over and over in her mind… ‘Save me!’

© 01/16/2010

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I went to my neurologist yesterday. Every time I go, I think part of me feels that this time will be it. There will be a new medication, a cure. See, sometimes I do think positive thoughts. 🙂 But, alas, not. I am falling more on my 18.2 foot trek to the potty with my walker. I spoke to him regarding a medication I have been reading about, Low Dose Naltrexone [LDN]. It is a medication used for drug overdoses, addicts, etc. in high doses to help the addiction or jump start the heart from od’ing. In small doses [1.5mg – 5mg] it has been found to help the sxs of MS, Fibro, and other autoimmune disorders. It brings the endorphin levels back to normal which help the immune system to recover and do what it is supposed to do. It is not a cure, nor does it reverse the damage already done by these disorders. But, It has been found to slow or in some cases stop the progression of the disease.

I printed out all the info I found and gave it to my Neuro. It is not widely used in the US as of yet. He is going to do some research into this, contact a highly regarded pharmacy, and hopefully get me started on it at a low dose to see if it helps me in any way. Since our insurance has changed [shitty blue cross] and we have to pay almost 3500.00 out of pocket until full coverage, we have to be careful what I try. He offered me a clinical trial for Tysabri, but that medication still is not my drug of choice. And the side effects scare the crap out of me. So, we will see what we can do about the LDN and take it from there.

I do not expect any miracles…but it could happen!

Thanks to Kathy for the heads up on this medication [LDN].

Blessing and Hope!

Ramblings

In Dreams – Darkness

Tracy2 Comments

The darkness falling, silence, floating, light. She looks down, the dress, black lace over a blood red shell, she’s beautiful. Pale skin, jet hair, crimson nails, still floating. People, statuesque, glowing eyes. Trees, going on to nowhere. Fire, dancing. A chill runs slowly down her spine. Where is she, who is she, why is she here? She wants to run, run away, no stay. Screams in the distance, laughter, pain. Blood. What does this all mean? She closes her eyes, nightmare. The hands on the clock spin in circles faster and faster. Eyes open. A familiar picture, her bed, blood red sheets and golden blankets cover her freezing body. A dream, only a dream. A sigh, a smile. Her hands…crimson nails, pale skin. Shudders, afraid to move. Gently pulling, pulling the safety of her covers back. She rises. Looks down. The dress, black lace over a blood red shell…

© 01/10/2010

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Blessings and Hope.

Fear · Ramblings

I’ll be dreaming…

Tracy8 Comments

So, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night,  and have some seriously weird things going on inside my head. So, lately I have been jotting them down. [there is no real order as these are quick thoughts]

#1 “The room was suffocating, people everywhere, must get out, where is the door, the red door. She darts to the door, she flees through the red door. She turns to a blank wall, the door is gone, she is pulled into the darkness.”

© 12/24/2009

Red Door

#2 “She runs through the woods, something is following her. Is something following her? She cannot stop running, running to nowhere. Is she running? She falls and everything turns to fog. Her eyes open, she sees familiar faces, she’s home.”

© 12/27/2009

#3 Smiling faces, tearful eyes, angry frowns, a wheelchair sits in the distance, she reaches for it, she cannot grasp it, she tries to stand and the floor comes up to meet her. Laughing, whispering, soft childlike giggles, all eyes on her. She cannot move, she bows her head in tears.”

© 01/05/2010

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Yes, I see the resemblance to me in each of these bits! Maybe I’ll write a horror story or something. 😛

Blessings and Hope…

Craziness · Fear · Ramblings

Hey Mr. Sandman……

Tracy13 Comments

So, another ‘Sleepless in California’ night going on here. At least no snoring issue! Poor hubby is in sofa city tonight. Thankfully, for him, it is a nice pullout bed with a nice mattress pad thingie. He can snore until the cows come home without fear of waking up with a headache! I actually have my room and my bed all to myself too. Usually when dad is in sofa city one of the girls come on in and bunk with the mom. They worry about mommy being all alone. [not knowing mommy loves to be alone…sometimes] I’m watching “Bride Wars’, playing in FB and blogging. Does it get any better than this, I think not! I was going to watch ‘Silence of the Lambs’, but figured maybe not when I am all alone! lol That movie freaks me out.

Chance [Border Collie] is sleeping on the bed right next to me and Sadie is on her bed on the floor. Dexter is in with the girls, so all is quiet on the western front.  Every now and then I hear Austin yell at his computer game. This is how I know he is here and alive. 😛

As I watch the movie [Bride Wars], I feel sad. I see such an amazing friendship and cry for one like that. I know it’s a movie, but I have heard others talk about their BFF’s and I feel detached  from it. I mean, I feel very close to a select few of my friends, but wish we all were closer to create the bonds of those who have grown up together and live near one another. I am probably not making much sense here. Shoot, I do not even know what I mean. Here I go, rambling yet again.

I mentioned in a blog before that I tend to write what I’m thinking and how I am thinking it. So, many times my thoughts are out-of-order and all over the place. If you can understand me, then you might be a bit nutty like me. lol Or like the song says; ‘I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell’. I have all these ideas and thoughts that pop in my head, but most of the time they make no sense whatsoever. They must be medication induced or something. I know some of my dreams [when I actually sleep] are. lol I just cannot pinpoint why I am all over the place lately. Usually I can focus on things. Now, not so much.

I truly hate leaving my home. Kind of scares me as at home I am safe and in control. When I go out, I am at the mercy of others and my wheel-chariot.  Others for help in reaching items on high shelves, my WC if the power dies. Others drive my van with me in it, as even though I am still able to drive, I prefer not to. I have this nagging fear in the back of my head that all of a sudden my right leg will go, like me left, and I will not be able to brake or accelerate. That has not really ever happened before, but the fear is there. And it is terrifying.

I keep having one dream that is the same. Maybe why I am having a hard time sleeping. I dream that I wake up and am completely paralyzed. Like the woman with MS that Dr. Kevorkian helped. So, ya, that might why I am having trouble sleeping. Hmmmm, think I’m on to something. I know that progression is in my future. The rate of progression is not known, and I am praying it is a slow(er) progression. Oh shit blah blah blah.

So, my train of thought has left the station.  Peace out!

Blessings and Hope…